Sitting here feeling numb
words for poems wont come
Cant think Brain dead
Thoughts racing round my head
Soul has fled and left me here
swaddled in my cloak of fear
The darkened night is closing in
The stomach knots appear again
Head is pounding one,two , three
Please,Oh please just pray for me

Like a clown, walking down past the hotel room
his red-nosed cigarette alight.
The lobbyist winks, he recognises me.

Tap tap I'm leaving. Tap tap.

The train with swollen hearts departs this thawing furnace.
In the corner is the clown;
Comfied round his wearied eyes and weary pride.
Playing with her number like a child with a toy, wondering,

will the embers suffice?
To decoy and employ our tangled kisses and nibbles and bites through the nights.
Or get soaked up in depravity and a bottle of gin?
Excluded in the watered down reality of the phone.

The clown remains without a clue,
Are you thinking about me? I'm thinking about you

Child of mine,
do not hold your breath
for that your heart will become heavy.

Child of mine,
do not clench your fists
for that your bones will ache.

Child of mine,
do not restrict yourself
for that you will never learn.

Please child of mine,
let out your air,
your pain,
your regret.
I am only one of the many
that care about you.
So let out your tears,
let them trickle down your face
and run down our skin.

Child of mine,
take your breath
of cleansing relief.

Child of mine,
open your pale hands
and let me hold them.

Child of mine,
let yourself make mistakes
and be right the next time.

We will help you
carry the ocean of life
and eventually
it will evaporate
to where it's only memories and sand.
Then you can sprout wings
where your fins used to be
and fly to a better world.
But right now child of mine,
let it rain.

these bars of bone
this fence of flesh
this cage that holds me in
i sweat and shake
and cry and moan
it crawls across my skin.

caricature fades
the roles he plays
the act that he puts on
what's underneath,
it's small.  it's weak.
it's dopesick, and alone.

forget the fright
the fear of night,
and all the mares they bring
to gallop through
your frozen frame
and teach you how to scream.

don't try and dream
don't try and think
don't even try to sleep.
just let the horsemen
do their thing.
just lie alone and weep.

and as the war
plays out inside
your body, and your mind
you take the past
you burn it up
you take what you can find.

i welcome you
to hell, my friend.
just dive right in the flames.
learn your demons well,
my friend,
and call them by their names.

I don't remember, any more,
The exact shape of your hands
As I held them in mine,
Caressed them,
Memorized the length of your fingers,
The depth of your calluses.

I don't remember, any more,
Exactly your height, how much
Taller than me
You were, where
My head rested on your chest
When you held me tightly close.

I don't remember, any more,
Your scent, when we lay together
Creating our own
Magic rhythm,
Matching our heartbeats as we
Touched the sky, together.

I don't remember, any more,
The sound of your voice, calling
My name as though
It were a song
Within itself, a precious treasure
You valued with all your being.

And I don't remember, any more,
The color of your eyes, the shape
Of your lips,
Only...
How your eyes crinkled at the corners
And your laugh, as you told me,

"I love you."

The monster has lived there since I can recall,
So long I often forget to remember him at all.

When he does show up, he never knocks,
But rather climbs into my brain as if he belongs.

He leaves me dark and leaves me weak,
He even takes my memories so that I cannot speak.

In my mind, he is always me, whether he resides under the bed
Or in my sleep, or in my head.

One thing I have never tried,
is to receive him in and let him abide.