You are so much bitter music you dancing devil
Like a last minute psalm for freedom
One that you have memorized so carefully
You don't recite it
You feel it
The buckle of your knees bends you beautifully in prayer
So many words in your perfectly timed gasps for air

Breathe on my neck again
Bitter sweet beer breathed passion
My fingers dance
Because I need so many ways to say unrequited
So many ways to say
Patience is something I can do without

And I stand still like a tree
Like the wrong tree
And I am barking up it

This is hot mess remix love
Through faulty filters
Burning up my coffee lung
Fingertip singe nailbite frustration

This is bitter music
Full of flavor for all the wrong reasons
A happy accident proximity
Of misunderstood gyration

Hands like dead tree branches
Fingertip curl to write
Sounds of late night windowpane taps

The songs dont match
Though the music ends at the same time
Shoulder shrug and careful backstep

My friends are waiting
It was nice meeting you I guess

You broken bone remix
Of passionate smile
Right foot forward fire
Perfect pitch like a ***** psalm for freedom

And bitter music

The best part about waking up with a hangover

Is that I feel like so much ****

That six hours later

After the headache has passed

And solids stay where I want them to

And you suckerpunch me in the throat again

I find comfort knowing

At least

six hours earlier

I felt worse

I come from a long line of bad habits and mistakes

How I have

my father’s train-wreck

And

my mother’s constantly questioning heart

Asking

“Do you love me?”

I will beg you to love me like a train wreck

And I will whistle love songs

At every grinding halt

You never saw the size of the bell tower that birthed me

Never heard when the hunchback chimed the hour

I came out screaming

9:30 in the morning shortly after the start of fall

For us though

It was fire season

And I

am an air sign

Kind enough to fan the coals to bursting

Train wreck building speed

I have my father’s impatience

And my mother’s other cheek

When she turns it

This is how you gut a fish

And this is how you **** a man

This is how to not leave bruises when you hit someone

And this

This is a dead end

Without that darkened tunnel with the light at the end

But I am thankful

Because I have my father’s rust

and my mother’s metal bones

this hand I was dealt

will shiver

Until it’s stuck in place

You didn’t see the size of the train wreck that made me

And you didn’t hear the hunchback’s desperate clatter

And if we’re lucky

You’ll hear me whistle love songs

At that last grinding halt

I want to go back
To when I was a child
And I didn’t know what it meant
To be self conscious

When beautiful was synonymous
To how nice a person was to you

When I used to fit in the smallest of places
Like in the cupboard under the kitchen sink

I never imagined it was anything other than
Underneath the kitchen sink

But I felt safe there
During bouts of my father’s fury

Like a mouse in a jar
When the dog’s tongue could still lick its cheek
Close enough to understand
The severity of teeth

In my living room
there is a hole in the floor
From a house fire
Just big enough for me to fit into
If I took the shape of a ball

I know I could never fill the hole in your chest

But my heart
Is a bomb shelter
Big enough for the both of us

And if beauty really can be synonymous with nice
Then call me gorgeous
‘Cause it’s all I got

No

Call me, Gorgeous
Why don’t you
You should have me on speed dial by now

I mean
I can bullet proof vest your lonely
And if you tell me I am handsome
I’ll probably fall in love with you

I mean
I am too awkward and lunky to fit anywhere nowadays
Other than a hole in a floor
When cigarette ash crop circled my fears back to life
And I realized that being a man means

Really

You have no place to hide

Unless

It’s in a bomb shelter
I built in the back of my heart

Probably

We could be safe there

The sound of you chewing broken glass

The way it crunched beneath your feet after the mirror broke

The best way to get blood out of clothes is
To accept that you can’t

On good days
You are a gumpy smiled
Heavy footed
Head hanger
Curls that branch out like leaves
So much weight your neck branch hangs heavy

And I know there are days you want to die
Like Friday

And I’m glad you are still afraid enough of leaving
That you got your palm instead of wrist

In the tremble
In the passion

We wrestled on broken glass
Until I pinned you down
I’ve never had someone else’s blood on my face before
It tasted metallic and warm
Sprayed a fine mist when I blew it from my lips

Every page in every book
Remembers the tree that it came from

We stole life from the same tree
So many of our pages come from the same story

Of father who left mother
But came back to care for sick son
And made you

Thanks to me
He made you

I think how crunching glass
Sounds so much like ice breaking
And how cold the floor we both lay on is

And how you kept saying

I want to go home
This isn’t right
I hate you
I hate you
I just need to go home

To keep calm
I remind myself how some people
Chew with their mouth open
Sometimes
They chew on glass

My bad choices were borne of good intentions

I just wanted him to hurt a little

So much like a lost boy
I explained to him how things are
And how they are going to be

And he is gone now

He is skinny like water cascading
Down a xylophone ribcage

He is a clumsy song
A constant struggle for a high note

“It’s the thought that counts,” he says

Says, “The cream takes the pain away in my feet
Don’t worry I am making myself better.”

So many days I wish I had his dumb hope
Believed that people are only bad in movies
That everything works itself out

I have the wool
And is eyes
But lack his energy
There are holes he has made
Through bitter curiosity

It comes honest
His head throw-back mouth-agape cackle

“I am making myself better. It doesn’t even hurt right now,” he says.

Only because I love him

I wish it did

Hurt

Just a little

I

I sing songs

The voice of God trembling in my belly

The songs were always for you

So much love in these hands

I could hold anything like it were a baby

Even you

I can hold you like a baby

Teary eyed and trembling

Gaze down upon you like the moonlight

Kisses the trees

I can kiss you

While you sleep

Give you chills like gentle insect feet

Make you moan like a memory

I

Have veins pumping so much blood

Into my heart

My heart is so big

It breaks my rib cage sometimes

And despite the pain

I can still hug you like a bear

Groan at the weight of my arms

I used to sing songs

About how my father never loved me

And how my mother never loved me

And now

I sing songs

About how much I love you

And

Don’t get me wrong

Sometimes smoke still billows from my throat

And I choke on the love songs

Sometimes I cough up feathers from

The birds

Beating tornadoes in my chest

And I drown

From the beer that I drink

Before I write these songs

And before I text these songs

Blowin up your phone

I wake up some days

Heart strings still pluckin’ away

Fingerpick still diggin’ into my skin

And sometimes

Because I got words

And maybe some paper

I just sing

Something about the smell of rain soaked pavement
Just after the storm settles
Just after the winds whip
My wet hair into my eyes

Something about the gentle slide of tires
Occasionally losing their grip
Because I get lost in the heavy thud of sky
Begging to break in through the roof
And I step a little harder on the gas pedal

The way the earth smells
Just after the storm passes
The way the palm trees regain their height
Despite the hurricane of your sighs
The way the water always finds its way back to itself
The same water that is on my lips will eventually be there again

And it makes me almost believe
That I might actually be able to come clean someday
That forgiveness is the rain pulling the dirt away
Knowing that once it leaves we’ll be ***** again

I tell you this as I drive with the sunroof open
And the windows down
My hand is out the window palm up and cupped
You remind me how stupid I am

So I let the flood in
And we both get wet
And while the rain runs down my face
I secretly cry

And just as suddenly as it started
It stops
I wipe my face and step out

There is something about the smell
Of rain soaked pavement
Just after the storm passes

It was the only year that I got fat

From eating chocolate bars that my mother bought with the left over EBT cash

That way when she did my laundry

she could get mad about the

Chocolate stains on my sleeves

So I ate until I got sick

And bled until I passed out

It was the year that hangs heavy in the hallows of my heart

The same year of my second suicide attempt

You should know this

I know the crash of the gallows hangin’ from your shoulders

Sends thunder through your ears

I know the angel that’s supposed to sit on the other

Looks like a gargoyle sometimes

I know there are days where

You freeze up

Locked in place until someone finally touches you

There were words trapped underneath my skin

So I cut them out

So I could finally makes sense

Of the irregular morse code of my heart beat

There were words comin’ out of my mouth

Always the wrong words

So I tried to lasso my throat shut

What you should know is

There will always be days where gravity tries to trap you here

It’s why I ring doorbells all the time

My angel needs its wings

I want your angel to have its wings

This year

This is the year that

I find the words

To explain to you what my heart’s been sayin’

The year the gallows no longer crash

The year my angel gets its wings

If you didn’t know this before

You are so perfect

You are so amazing

Your smile is amazing

On the days you are happy to see me

I swear I could take your cheeks sailing

We never needed the words

To explain what my heart's been saying

At any given moment

As long as I am breathing

There’s a guy

Thumbin’ doorbells as desperate as impatience

Teary eyed and trembling

Just trying

To get you back your wings

I’d rather die young

Than grow old

I will not follow in the footsteps of deliriousness

Hands trembling

To grasp at the memories

Or names

I refuse to forget my own name

Or stutter at heartache

Until I bite my own tongue

I refuse to grow old like you

To give up like you

I’d rather keep a noose

Tied tightly to my birth

To yank me like a ripcord

The second my voice sounds like yours

Trap the hate in my throat

Keep the old out’a my bones

The quiver out’a my knees

My son

Will never have to carry me to the bathroom

Or wonder if I loved him

He will never grow old like we did

Embrace the cold like we did

Beg people to hold him until he falls asleep at night

Just so he can remember

The warmth

**** going gently

And crying at the light

**** being forgiven

For letting the world fall apart

My son

And my brother

Will be so much stronger than we were

They will know that I love them

And they will know that they are safe at night

They will never carry me anywhere

Even if it’s my coffin

To its grave

A cube of ice resting on my tongue

                       I inhale

                                    It cools my mouth

Press the cube against my teeth until it hurts
           Then gulp coffee and listen for the shatter

                                                        ­                       There is no sound

Only the understanding that pain has layers

                                                         ­           I can hurt in just as many ways as heal

Kiss me bitter devil

I know I will feel guilty when I leave you in the morning
                      
                                                                ­                   But I will leave you nonetheless

You loved the way my mouth tasted when it was cold
                                                
           ­                                                  You shivered

                                                       ­            From the kiss or the cold

                                                           ­                                                     I don’t know

But you shivered
               And I lied
                 So you would shiver again

                                                          ­   And you loved me like a liar


An ice cube on my tongue
                      I chilled you
                                   Killed you a little more than
                                                            ­                                 Le petit mort


Sometimes

                                            Cor­pses can have goose bumps

You cold again?
      Or did you see a ghost
                         After you found my side of the bed empty?

I never said I’d stay for breakfast

                                                   I never said I’d stay

                                                           ­                                                               Th­ere are just as many layers to hurting

As there is healing

                                                        ­         Sometimes I can’t tell the difference


Hurt me like a lover

Who is frigid and fearful

Until we temper our bones to burning

And listen for the shatter

It never comes

And I always leave
                                                           ­          First thing in the morning

I know there are days
Where this depression gets so strong
It feels like gravity is making up for
All the times it accidentally let you fly
And after pouring yourself a bowl of cold cereal
The weight of the spoon as it goes to your mouth
Stretches time infinite

So you don’t eat
Hoping gravity will let you go
You let yourself go
Let it all go

You and I are characterized by deep breaths
And bad timing
Sick jokes
And a mouth so *****
You have to bite your tongue at times
To keep the flies out

Perfect is unattainable
Just try to be good
Do it for me
No one ever hated a man
Who kept his heart in the right place
Out of his chest
And on a mantle
Away from dust
In between
Bibles and poetry
Coloring books
And old *******

You might not care to be good
But you can’t be complete until you are

I wouldn’t be telling you this
Unless I knew that
Unless I knew what you would become
After making some of the hardest decisions in life
Like making it a point to stay alive

Stay alive
Be good
I love you
And trust me
In the end
You will be so happy

Signed
An ******* from the future

Welcome to this empty house
Looks like it might sell any day
Only it’s not up for sale
The fridge is full of beer
And the doors are always open

In the back there is a room
Full of things you can break with your bare hands
Your bear hands
There are metal baseball bats
And hockey sticks if you need help

Take everything apart
Till you find replacements
For your missing parts
If you have to
We are so much duct tape and makeshift courage by now

There are days where it’s the only way to feel better
Don’t tell me
The ring in your arms as you connect
Doesn’t travel down your spine
And make you shiver like a good memory

Maybe this isn’t you
But some of us were born to break things
Some of us were born
To find our missing pieces
Inside piles and piles of missing pieces
We are so many badly sewn glassy eyes and awkward hinges by now

On the days
Where the murmur in your heart
Has you searching for some new tubing
Or when you need new wires
To reconnect your nerves
Or if you want to tighten your heartstrings
To play a calmer tune
Because there is too much distortion
In your song by now

Know there is an empty house
Stocked with beer
And in the back there is a room that I call a church
And the doors are always open

Woke to the smell of smoke
Only to find my family
Standing around our couch which was on fire
Like a group of homeless people trying to stay warm

This is just practice
For when the money runs out

Forget the missing smoke detectors
Forget the old man just standing there
Saying, “I’m sorry” like old men do
Forget four walls
Walls are flammable

There is this distance
The size of apathy
And we
Are in the middle
Huddled around a fire
Trying to stay warm
As our house burns down around us

Until finally
Dry lips whisper water
And ***** lungs
Die for air
And I grab a hose from the porch

As the smoke finally clears
As they huddle in the car
With the heater running
As I learn to finally see my home as broken

Still
I will always have a safe place to cry
And we will always have a safe place
To lie

I know I’ve always said
I’d make a better puppy than a man

Run your fingers through my face fur again
You sweet demon

Touch my face

I always walk away like the ending of a bad movie
With a dusty roaded hitchhike thumb

Only I can drive myself home

I know I am so much smiles
And bad words

I like bad words
They feel good

So much passion in them
Like a Tourette’s prayer

Let me sing your song of profanity
Like a compulsive howl at the moon

Or we could *******
Or something

I dunno

I just feel more like an animal most days
More than I ever do a man

Touch my face again
With your rough love

And then I can walk away

Dear Devil,

Thank you for sin

Thank you for beer and bad decisions

Thank you for encouraging me to steal that twenty

The old man dropped

It paid for pizza

Thank you for my first arrest

Thank you for my second arrest

Thank you for my ****

Thank you for teaching me how to make bad decisions

And how to be happy I made them

Thank you for selective hearing

When I know someone is begging for help

Thank you for my father’s fists

And my mother’s manipulation

I have taken both with me

And they serve me well

Thank you for inventing rock bottom

If I could fall forever

I’d be in hell already

Thank you for nooses made of bungee cords

I only blew out my knee when I hit the bottom of my dry well

And I gasped at the choke of where I found myself

Before I shot back out

Thank you for self inflicted sand paper refinement of my soul

The grass is always greener after you **** it

I am thankful to see it grow back

Thank you for showing me what not to do

So I can decide to be better

Dear Devil,

Thank you and,

PS

You are a really ****** friend

The Carpenter ants

Walk through the cracks in the wall

The white stucco

lookin’ like the surface of the moon during daylight

It’s what living things do

Make homes in places that are broken

Little ants re-patch the woodwork

Till the tunnels spell home

in slightly destructive cursive

Dust is dead skin

I had cancer once

And it tried to eat me from the inside

There’s a hole in my chest now

Just big enough for your soul to fit into

It’s what living things do

Entropize the edges till we fit

Even if we were never supposed to

We’ve all gotta fit somewhere

Even if we have to chew our way through

There is a hole in my chest now

With just enough space

For you

Reminds me of when I was a boy

  And you’d wake me to a punch in the gut

Say

“Sometimes life knocks the wind out of you”

So when I finally got to scatter you to the wind

   You managed to catch the wrong gust

So that I could choke on you one last time

  Made me hold my breath till my eyes watered

What no one knew

  Was that your mouth was full of firing pins

And that spit sizzled off the empty shell casings you capped over your teeth
  
   *******

If I had a nickel

For every potential broken rib

Or bruise so big it could’a’ been a hole

For every day I looked like dying fruit

  I’d have enough nickels to win your well every time

I look so much like you when I am angry

  I have to remind myself

This is not him when I’m angry

This is me when I’m angry

Reminds me of that time I grew *****

Shot out so fast their weight flung me forward

And I accidentally punched you back

What no one knew

Was that it felt amazing

  And it scared me

  Still scares me

So much that I have to remind myself

This is me when I'm angry

And I can stop

The grain of salt I mistook you for
Still tasted bitter on my pallet

Forget that when
We buckled
We never broke
Just bent

Like the tense end of a ruler
Like childhood daring
Teasing the ends to touch
Before the snap
Sent you home for being disobedient

You sent me home
So many times
I got the path back memorized
The same way Ice skaters know
When to move

There is a special kind of cursive
Etched in the dusty back roads
Of my misbehavior

Spells out
Perfect
sometimes

Spells out
Forgive me

Spells out
Last ditch effort to make you like me

I barely know where I am going

Barely know where I've been

Just got this itch to move

I guess

Justin looks at me from over the counter
He keeps his face in profile
Stops to pace

You know it just ***** because
I can’t see all of me
So I don’t know how to fix it all
It’s like the moon
It can’t see all of itself either

He nods his head as if he’s agreeing with his own thoughts
He steps aside so I can ring people out
Still paces
Still nods his head

Jon,
How do I get girls to like me?
I’m strong and nice,
But what if that’s not enough
Because I can’t see all of me like they can
Ya know?

I know
So tell him that I am still trying to figure that one out myself

I can see all of you
That’s why I come

To him
People are ***** you can hold
Glowing ***** of light
We pulse like stars

And this whole time I thought there was something wrong with me
Because I’ve felt it

Feel it when
Halfway through performing a poem about my brother
I burst into tears

Or how sometimes
I just want someone to touch me
Run your hand across my belly

There is a sun
Swirling fire in my breastplate
I just want someone to see it

It is made of
Fortified bone flint
And the slow breath made between lips while kissing
And is coated in palm skin
Because the only thing I’ve ever been good at
Is holding people proper

And I am happy to hear someone sees it

Sees me as a man
With a decent heart
And a sun in his chest

Even though I spend half my time ******* up

Everything

I tell him this

Justin,
I only know one thing to tell you
It’s the only true thing I’ve ever learned

As long as you want to be better
You will be

And
As long as you want someone to love you
*Someone will

I sent you an e-mail

But purposely got the address wrong

Just so I could see your name in my inbox

I mean

imissyousofuckingmuch@thiswouldonlybeeasierifyouweredead.co­m

You get a reply back

That says

“Being gone is beautiful

Try it sometime”

I don’t know where to go

The newfound balance in all the chairs I sit on throws me off

Put a level on my shoulder

Watch the bubble

It doesn’t know which way to lean either

I mean

Sitting up straight and proud

Has only even been for people who

Don’t have a shoulder to cry on

The density of your presence

Is big enough to make me walk funny

How I would have push back so hard against

Your shoulder leaning, I dare you to walk straight type, hand holding

So as not to walk into strangers

My left shoulder is boney bump bruise resistant

And I crash into the edges of things sometimes

To keep it that way

I mean

You’ve made me so much a slap stick version of myself

And I miss you

Because the world feels funny now

Because I am still learning what it means to have a true center

True balance

And I miss you

But I don’t want you back

It is grey and snowy here
And I kinda miss the sun
She said

Woman
I am wishing you the warmth only a lover can offer
Via breathy nothings into your ear

Fills you like a balloon
And stands you so still
That your shadow on the snow
Looks more like a stain

I know you
Like the snowy backdrop of my foggy thoughts
When poetry is all that is left
To know who we are
And what we’ve become

It is us trapped in the porcelain distance
Between scalding hot coffee
And your shaking palm

So this is me
Wishing you warmth
And love
And burning belly cinderblock butterflies
The kind that don’t make you tremble
Just settle
Into the comfiest spot you know

Still cold?
I didn’t think so

Why does this have to be so difficult
When I just want them to like me?

Why does my mouth not stop when it’s supposed to
When I find myself being disgusting again?

I mean

If I really believed
And you had the chance to die in my name again
Would you?

I’m only human
There are like
Billions of us

And I was never kingly
Or knightly
Chivalry sounds like something you do when you stab someone
I’ve never stabbed anyone

How come you made all these other poets famous and not me?

Do they serve beer in heaven?
I like beer
But beer is bad for me
Am I bad for me?

What part of me does audacity come from?
How
I survived cancer
But somehow feel defeated
When I can’t get a phone number

I mean

I am only human
But am made from your image
And I know everyone says you’ve got a sense of humor
So I just wanna know what carnival mirror
I fell out of

Careless like a soda stain on an end table
Bitter like my mouth an hour after coffee

Why can’t I sleep at night?

Are ghosts real because I think my house is haunted?

If I was born to do something when will I know?

Or if there really are answers somewhere
Where should I go?

Is my life really just some kind of TV show?

Is it boring?

Is it long?

Is it going to be short?

Hey Hey Hey

Do you hear me?

If I truly believed
Would you tell me?

Because I know for sure I was built funny
My ears aren’t small enough to withstand
The bass drum boom
Of the things my heart keeps sayin?

Speaking with a sound
Like a train
Always heading forward
But never knowing
Really
Where to go

You are welcome to stop reading this
Right
About





Now

Seriously

You wanna see self hate
Then stick around friend
I got so much ugly
I can’t keep it to myself
It spreads
All I wanted was for you to love me
Can’t hide it
Can’t disguise it
Can’t play it off
No
Watch in the way that you hold me
Like a coal
Trying to set fire to more than just your skin
I’ll set fire to more than just your skin
I’ll melt mirrors with this
You wanna feel distance
I’ll push you away so hard with nothin but my crazy
You’ll beg fault lines to sink you into the sea
And scratch until you bleed
‘cause holy ****
I’ll make ya itch
And work you past breaking
Beg you down to knee height frustration
I
am so ugly
I am surprised you can even look at me
Or listen to this poem
Because
I got so much *****
Aint comin out in the wash
Got so many lies workin at my spine
It’s now bent like a question mark
Got the Hunchback’s bells clangin in my heart
Always striking midnight
So keep your distance
And hold your breath if you come near me
Because I am made of so much ugly
It spreads

When you live with someone who has Alzheimer’s
your house feels haunted

Mostly at night

Only ghosts wander like that

            So aimlessly

It is metal pounding in the garage
a knife in my hand
and the deep breathed fear of

         What’s behind door number 2

It is him halfway inside a dryer

             Trying to get out

I sleep with my door open
listen carefully like a ghost hunter
for the way he haunts the halls
for the soft pat of skin on tile collapse
fnd the moaning

I carry him to the bathroom

He is the heaviest ghost ever

              A different kind of dead weight

I light him a cigarette
The cherry glows red in the dark
The tobacco crackles with each puff

He calls me nurse
calls me some other name
one I’ve never heard before

He is just practicing

                  It is hard to be good at being so lost

Even now that I am a man
he still scares me
scares me differently

Startles me in the dark
comes around corners
crawls on the floor towards me

              I am not always ready for that

Before

He scared me
the way a feral dog scares living food
A certain kind of animal inside of him

Now he isn’t so wild

           Taming takes so much away

He is dark spots on tan paper
crusted blood on nose and head
yellow ET cigarette stained fingertips

                He is me in thirty years

He is barbiturate slack jaw
Forward lean balance struggle

And at night he is so much a ghost
I forget about his good days and wonder

               What’s the point?

My house is haunted
by a man who has never not gone
Bump in the night

Who am I?
Not name
Not address
Not occupation
Not body
Not thought
In an instant I can open my eyes
And take you in
And know what is in front of me
And that you are beautiful
And it would take days
For the voice in my head to describe what is in front of me
I am not that voice
I am that instant
I am a series of instants
I am constantly changing indescribable awareness
That feels
I feel **** sometimes
I write poetry
I am poetry
Read this again once I am dead
Feel me?
Feel me
I dare you

I am too patient to hold my anger for long

But I’d hate you forever if you let me

My short fuse diffused

By your apathy

Just the other day my cat brought me a mouse

Its legs kicked trying to catch invisible ground

So it could find someplace to hide

I watched it die slowly

Because I never learned ******* anything

I think of days where I have been filled with fear

Days where the bubbles in my butterfly gut

Burst the psalms of some unrequited

Love song with the title of your name

The gentleness of your other cheek

Remind me that those are

The same days where I try to catch ground that melts beneath my feet

And I have nowhere to hide

And how I wished someone would have put me out of my misery

Put me out of my misery

There are days where

It would be easier to forget

That I ever loved you

Than tryin’ to hold on to the anger

I create

In order to forget that you don’t love me

Anymore

There are monsters eating at your soul

Just a few bites now and then

Just enough to make you wonder

Where the drain is

What tub are you filling when that emptiness sets?

Where does your heart go when you have nothing to pour it into?

Where has all the time gone?

Because you’ve got bags so big your eyes look like caves

At least now you know where all your tears went

And why don’t you sleep anymore?

You’ve never been good looking enough for beauty sleep but still

Didn’t anyone ever teach you what it means to be sacred?

When you die

You’ll see me one last time in this mirror

And I’ll show you everything sacred you missed

Every time you make someone smile

Is sacred

The gloves you wear when you box the hell out of yourself

Are sacred

Every girl you’ve ever wanted to kiss

Their lips are sacred

Every moment you spend reminding your brother and sister how important they actually are

Is sacred

Every morning

Every afternoon

Every evening for the rest of your life

Should be sacred

Your poetry even if it never passes your lips

Even if it never changes lives

Even if no one ever likes it

It is sacred

The time it takes to finally learn to love yourself

Is sacred

I know you’ve got years to go

And scars to heal

Your flesh is not done bubbling from the heat inside of your soul

And the monsters you are too stupid to ask to leave

Are not even close to full

And it might not be long before we meet again

Just know that not everything is going to make sense

Yeah you might have been a mistake

But so many mistakes

Are sacred

You slept on the 3 hour drive home

I didn’t mind the midnight silence

Or the awkward rumble of the engine

The vibrations settled the dirt in our souls

Packed down the memories so we could make more

Like when our mothers used to put us in the car and drive

So that we could finally fall asleep

Sometimes

My mother placed a back massager underneath the mattress in my crib instead of driving

My body is practiced in the art of settling

Settle into this

So that your soul might fit into the smallest spaces

Like dust on a mantle

Or the sand underneath the sand

That holds up the sea floor

Settle into me

Settle into my passenger seat

The way you did when you were little

Know

That you always have a safe place there

While I drive a hundred

In the middle of the night

The roads are empty

And I am wide awake

Know

That one day we will be no stronger than breaths of air

And we will be dust in a box that those breaths can blow anywhere

And find rest in the smallest places

Know

That if you want to

You can always find rest here

These are the stages of worship

I pray for sleep
So that it might be tomorrow again
As long as there is a tomorrow
I can have a second chance at not ******* up so badly

Time machines are for those who
Don’t fully understand the paradox of change
I don’t want things to change
I just want a chance to make myself better

There is a vertical scar in the center of my chest
From bad biology
And an awkward urge to live
With just enough texture
That it could be the butterfly key
To a wind-up toy
Its slow revolution
Counts down my heartache till it stops

I accept
That we are inherently selfish
It is okay to be selfish
If we weren’t
we wouldn’t be here

I accept
That we are characterized by an innate
Ability to be inconsistent

I accept you
Perfectly

But I don’t want forgiveness
I know I drink too much
But when I drink I can feel
Without having to think

I know
You might not forgive me
For everything

Don’t

Just trust that my heart
And the heart of whoever made me
Is off somewhere where the right place might be
Wishing good intentions
Until my heart bursts

I know I am not perfect
I don’t want to be
But I know that somewhere along the line
At least
I was meant to be

Breathless and still, he stood there
And still fell the rain
That soaked
Saturating every fabric
A darker shade of lonely

Rain
It’s his favorite color
So he stood breathless

All silent save for a lone heartbeat
Pulse in his ears
Like a sunken head in still bathwater

The steady rhythm reminds him
He is still living
And helpless to stop it
Like the rain
His favorite color
Darkening his view
So it can be brighter again

He knows
Fathers will forget when they get to that age
And brothers will always need rough love
When it is hardest to give

With hospital

And phone

And car

And credit card bills

Still in his hand

Getting heavier

And darker

And wetter

He stood in his driveway
Breathless and broken
Buckled at the backbone of forever
Never finding center
But for as long as the weather permit
He was at least happy

I watched you turn into

A punching bag

Until the sand worked to settle in pit of your stomach

It’s the kind of love so heavy and jagged now

Like a kidney stone that you thought would never pass

Until it passes

Painful and ******

And you think

“How could such a small thing like that

Hurt me so badly”

And you finally understand forgiveness

Like the pinstripe scars on your back

You have to feel the metal leave you

Before you can let anything go

And you have to remind yourself

Someone is always going to love you

Despite your broken record

Skipping at the spot where

Your song hits its chorus

You have to remind yourself

That eventually

The thin metal fibers will

Find the next groove

And then you can groove

Into the beat breakin’ happy

Of your constantly confused smile

And settle your doubts

Into the arms of someone

Who doesn’t have all the answers

But knows exactly when to hold you

You have to remind yourself

How often the right thing to say

Is sitting between a bitten lip

And deep breath

And finally a smile

A laugh

A tear

Don’t offer answers to the questions you never wanted to be asked

Don’t tan the leather

Of the thickest parts of your skin

Even punching bags break

Don’t hang your head to watch

How your feet pace towards the end

The end is always gonna be there

And remember

Someone

Is always going to love you

When I made Santa Clause cry for the first time

It could have been the expiration date in my smile

Or the Charlie Brown Christmas tree

On the desk by my bed

He brought little blocks of wood

Shaped like

Pine trees

And Trains

And Snowmen

And he brought paints the nurses didn't want us to have

I asked him how close heaven was

To the North Pole

With all that white it had to be close

He said it wasn't far

Maybe a mile into the fog

I asked him if next year maybe I could visit

And then I wondered if that meant

Heaven was cold

You wanna walk with me

Through valleys

And forests and deserts

and hell at sunset

Feet achin’ ****** swollen

Stairways don’t have anything on us

That loosely linked ladder that leads to heaven

Rungs that won’t catch or stop the swelling

Can’t prevent these hands from grippin the firmament

I’ll plant my roots so deep I **** up the foundation

So those gates better open

Because being a good person stopped

The moment you stopped caring

We need more than a miracle *******

We need the end all be all moment of clarity

Where we finally understand that we can be held accountable for the
decisions we make

Phones aren’t filters

Cameras aren’t just methods of documentation

Reasons to hide than fight

You’re not ready to buckle by the realization of purpose

Not ready to save a life

Not even your own

So don’t act like nothing is your fault

Because

Everything is your fault

Including this poem

I let the towel drop and heard the first bird chirp of the morning

Strands of gold melted through the blinds
They warm my skin

It felt good to feel the warmth without actually being touched

Eyes shut
I find myself leaning
praying for the pressure of fingertips

I put my clothes on
Outside a cacophony begins
I think about the fabric of my clothes
How I don’t even notice what it feels like to wear them

I am more aware of being naked

I have been naked in front of you

And now I wonder how long it will take
Before I forget what your fingers felt like

I think of the birds outside my window
I think they live in the orange tree

Their sporadic music sounds like fear to me
Sounds like stress
Sounds like
What you do after you’ve put your ear to the ground
And have heard the rumble coming

I heard the rumble coming
And I waited for it purposely
Just so I could have a little more time

You are the most beautiful stampede
To have ever pummeled me

And to be honest

It felt good to be touched like that

Inside of my throat there is this place I call church

This is how I pray

Through repetition

Of awkward self destruction

The beer in my belly

Bulging with pendulous weight

Adds momentum for fists to strike

Strike walls

Strike steering wheels

Strike faces in bouts of anger

I get lost most days

Inside of my head

And I pray

This is how I pray

On my knees

Inside of a tub

While water washes over me

The steam mixes with my sweat

And takes it away

I don’t believe in god

But I know

With all my heart

That if I did not come from something sacred

Then I could not tell you I love you

And mean it

This is how I pray

With knives in bellies

Cutting out psalms

They look like

Gnarled black tumors

Humming contently

And fade like

Lip shushed fingertips

Begging for the quiet

Listen

This is my church

And this is how I pray

You are welcome to stay

Mostly because I am not fit to judge anyone

I just want you to know

That sacred feels like skin

Draped over bone

Looking like a sad science project

And it’s the closest thing to perfect

Any of us will ever get

He was working the register at Save-a-Lot foods

The line slowly building towards the end of the store

I saw it

In the veins that stood out on the tip of his nose

In his white hair pushed back despite the receding hair line

In the sag of his lower lip

Making his jowls jiggle as he turned his head

I saw how his lower lip longed for the chewing tobacco it used to hold

I stood in line holding a cart full of lonely

And I wanted to tell him

“You look like the kind of man who’s only ever made daughters

And your hands

Are too calloused

for taking money

and bagging groceries

I know you

How the top of your gut is tight from the hunger

Of not having eaten yet

You were never meant for this

Man

You were never meant to work like this

Humbled by the heartache caused by a dime

We got the same change clangin’ in our pockets

Got the same sorrow

For not having made enough people happy

I know the minute the beer is full someone will take more

And the minute you sit down

And rub your calloused fingertips across your eyes

The phone will ring

Man

I know it wasn’t your fault

When the lady got mad that the prices were wrong

The prices are always wrong

I know

You’ve been here too long

We both

have been here too long

When my hair is grey

Today’s change will still ring off the countertops

And I'm sorry

For everything”

But I didn’t say any of that

I said

Hi

I did not use his name

Because I know how condescending it really sounds to do that

It was Patrick by the way

I gave him a twenty

He gave me a penny

It clanged in my pocket like the last bell on a broken wind chime

And then I said

Thanks Man

And left

I just want to not want this

But I do

I want this

Even though I can already see my heart

Dangling above a meat grinder

By a capillary vein

Pumping with the pace of desperation

That our lips might touch

I wish I didn’t want to kiss you

But I do

You are not supposed to stand so close

I can feel your breath

It is sweet when I inhale it

And I know your tongue must taste like

The coffee I am watching you drink

All the right kinds of bitter

I don’t want

To sleep alone anymore

And I don’t want

To continue guessing

What you might be thinking or doing

At this very moment

And because I don’t want anything to be unrequited between us

Right now

I’m drinking a tall can

And wondering how I can make my house not haunted

And am secretly loving you

I am secretly loving you

And all I want

The only thing

Is for you to love me back

In any way you can

Watch me make things complicated

It’s a gift

So much a gift I never got much further than long division

Or tying my shoes

Or learning when it’s okay to touch people

Turns out

Life is not the game of tag I thought it was

Not everyone touches you back

Never learned that

Gets so bad

I break handshakes for hugs

and then I stand there way to long

I can never go back to my dentist’s office again

After he finally pried me from his shoulders

He was kind enough to loosen the foot in my mouth

Told me I got toes for teeth

And I was thankful

For the suction tube

And the Novocain

Asked him for more

And more

Just enough to numb the jabber in my jaw

Took 2 vicadin after to keep my arms at bay

If I could have

I’d’a told him

Every word burnin holes in my brain

And I am thankful

Knowing that I’d’ve at least stopped at long division

And tying my shoes

I never learned how

not to say all the wrong things

Never really learned anything

Your lips tasted like smoke
From the buildings you watched burn
While standing dead center

Our bodies are practiced in the art of
Collapsing

If these walls could talk
They’d be livid from your laughter
And semi-suicidal for paint thinner
To cause just enough wither so the broken glass can finally fall out

I will gladly buckle at the backbone
Bulging out my belly to
Reveal all that beauty inside

If it means you’ll forgive me
You can take it

Because I am sorry seven ways to Sunday
Just seven days till Sunday
Seven chances not to **** up before
I have to beg for your forgiveness again

This is the church of falling apart

The church constructed of the things
Tempers make
I am one baseball bat bash away from being broken and saved

You might’ve told me you were trouble
I should’ve noticed
After I saw you smash a
Cinderblock through a car window
Just to take a pack of smokes from the dash

And you could have called my bluff
After I ****** your best friend behind your back
For the fifteenth time

Lemme catch your deer in headlights again
Because our last conversation wasn’t ****** enough
Lemme bend willingly into your bed
And fall into whatever mess we forgot to clean up the night before

Stop quaking my fault lines with your fingertips
I know laughter when I hear it
I can see your sneers in the dark

And I can light a match
Light a cigarette
Burn a house down

This is the church of falling apart

No one ever asked forgiveness while standing

The church where the shape of prayer is a ball
Hands clasped behind neck
Head between knees
And morse code  shivers

Signaling

I don’t really know why you hate me so much
But Please
Forgive me

Got audio published. Check December's entry's for my name.
http://dimestories.org/news/san-diegos-best-dimestories-updated/

This is not a poem

This is a revelation of self

This is me finding the staples that tighten my skin so that I can finally look like
a man

I know this

I love to share what makes me feel good

Especially people

I want you to feel good

I know

That I am afraid to take showers

Because the moment the water starts running there is nothing to distract my
thoughts

I can stand in the tub for days and never get wet

I know

That so many pieces of my heart

Are in way too many back pockets

My love is like a dime store flier

Beggin’ you to throw it away

Go ahead take a number

I’ll never really be whole anyway

This is not a poem

This is a revolution

Where I finally protest my body like a seizure

And give up on my heartbeat that’s beggin’ you to put your hand on my bare chest again

I know this

I am not characterized by the cancer that I thought once wanted to **** me

And I am not some cutting board

This skin is too calloused to be back stabbed again

And I will no longer stay up nights waiting for anyone to love me

And I am not

And never was

Made of anything designed by God

I know

that if you want me too

I will love you forever

And I know how to hold a grudge just as long

Like an egg on the end of a spoon in a one-man relay race

This is not a poem

This is me

Finally putting together the patchwork

And replacing the stuffing

Double stitched

so that I will not fall apart again

If anybody feels like taking a break from poetry, here is a short story I finished last night. It's very short. Feedback would be much appreciated.

http://normanshine.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/a-good-man/

I’m sorry

I know there are days where I burn at both ends

And not even your cool waters can subdue these flames

I

Regret every word that’s burned past these lips

I didn’t mean to take you for granted

I swear

I didn’t mean to point out your stretch marks and laugh lines

I didn’t mean to forget your birthday  

I

just lose myself sometimes

Like

Last night when I laid in the darkness of our bedroom

And stretched out to feel how cold the other side of the bed was

And I

could hear your voice keeping me awake like white noise whispering
from some other room

And I just can’t seem to turn it off

I know that this is broken and left for dead

Forgotten in a box in an attic in some house

somewhere

Nostalgia’s never seemed so bitter

Because sometimes I smell you

And my heart breaks a million times a day

I got a box of red confetti here

Barely beats

Buckles my knees when it does

Beats me breathless

Holds me under

Keeps me back

Makes me wonder

Where everything turned sour like milk

Mighta seen your face on the side of that milk carton

I’d’ve known

I should’ve let you go

But I couldn’t

Not so soon

If I had my way it’d been never

Now all I got is this sound

White noise coming from some other room

Sounds like laughter sometimes

Sounds like music

Sounds like my heart shatter confetti burst

Feels like crawling skin

The lightest touch that almost tickles

Press harder if you could

I can almost feel you

Sounds like a match being lit

Lettin’ me burn at both ends

Forgive me for my silence

Just that

My mouth has only ever been good

For ******* things up

I know

The cherry pie you baked your heart into

Still tasted like the lucky side of copper

I know all that sweet

Is the only way to keep it down

I know you might think you deserve this

You don't

These scars are not some secret cuneiform

There are no answers waiting

In the the long nights you wish would just end

What we all keep forgetting

Is there is always a place of rest

You can rest here

In my silence I am still learning that