I sent you an e-mail

But purposely got the address wrong

Just so I could see your name in my inbox

I mean

imissyousofuckingmuch@thiswouldonlybeeasierifyouweredead.co­m

You get a reply back

That says

“Being gone is beautiful

Try it sometime”

I don’t know where to go

The newfound balance in all the chairs I sit on throws me off

Put a level on my shoulder

Watch the bubble

It doesn’t know which way to lean either

I mean

Sitting up straight and proud

Has only even been for people who

Don’t have a shoulder to cry on

The density of your presence

Is big enough to make me walk funny

How I would have push back so hard against

Your shoulder leaning, I dare you to walk straight type, hand holding

So as not to walk into strangers

My left shoulder is boney bump bruise resistant

And I crash into the edges of things sometimes

To keep it that way

I mean

You’ve made me so much a slap stick version of myself

And I miss you

Because the world feels funny now

Because I am still learning what it means to have a true center

True balance

And I miss you

But I don’t want you back

If I were going to change for the better
I’d have changed by now
The end is a wasted incentive
A new beginning is for those who believe

I’ve cashed in all my second chances
And am burning up all my passion

I’ve derived my devils into
The salvation of saliva
When our sweat is not enough wet
To anoint our ***** sacred

Let me leave here without a language
Because my idea of living for tomorrow
Is found in the stories I leave behind

You can’t be chaste and live forever

I have learned in LIFE IS FICTION 101
The endings of all stories need closure
For the reader and the character

Let me leave my legacy
In the places you are afraid to touch

Because
I’ve always been that guy who went a little too far

Let me take you a little too far
Just to the tip of forever and I’ll pull out
I promise

I may not die at the end of this year
But I will be dead someday
And the fear of being forgotten
Is enough to make me stay
And car crash my mouth again

Take a good long listen rubbernecker
And later you can tell your friends
There is this guy you met
And he said some things you’ll never forget

I mean
Really really really
Nasty things

But you liked it

I mean
I never wanted to be the best poet/storyteller/dirtytalker ever
I just wanted to be someone’s favorite
Enough to not forget me later

Because it may not be at the end of this year
But I will leave someday
And the fear that you might forget me
Is hell enough to stay

Forgive me for my lack of articulation
I don’t speak as retardedly prophetic as I used to
Or welcome death because no one knows it
When the fear of leaving
Is hell enough to stay
And the finish line is miles away

We will all meet it
At exactly the right time

We’ll both come in first
I promise

And

You

Well mouthed
Keeper of my darkness
Forgive me if I war trench your back at night
I’ve just never really known safety

Surprised at the size a man can be
When pressed to someone’s back
As the night covers all fronts

I know
I got love’s lashings scarring up my liver
When I drink myself to sleep at night

This morning
I awoke shortly after midnight from a text message
That took me an hour to respond to

Forgive me
I was thinking in dreams again
You were there
Watching me steal a pineapple popsicle and a Dr Pepper
From a vending machine

We then hopped in an airborne submarine
Only it was really a long broomstick between my legs
And your legs
And the legs of two others I’ve never met before
And we weren't ever really airborne

Even the figments of my imagination have to humor me
At times

And my ghosts are kind enough to leave before I awake
Playing poker over my body as I sleep
As I dream
As I startle
***** Drunken Poorly Invented Modern Sanskrit
Into the thick air

So cold I have to chisel the sweat away

I don’t sleep as soundly as I used to
Or speak as well
Or think as thoroughly
I just know what feels good when I don’t want it to

And I don’t know any other way to tell you
To slow down and wait for me
Because I am sure that
We’ll get where we’re supposed to be going
Exactly when we’re supposed to

For Christmas

I want a bible with all blank pages

I want a butterfly butter-knife
For surprise attack sandwiches

I want a time machine
So I can go back to when I was a ******
To my first cigarette
And my first lover
And my first broken heart

To where my eyes didn’t have the green tint of jade
Lightening up this solid brown
My favorite color

I want a new harmonica inhale
And exhale
I want to breathe heavy into your wind instrument
CPR your song back to life

I want to slow dance on dying yuletide embers
And regift your laughter til I am not funny anymore

Don’t be mad that I recycled the stockings
You made me remove so slowly last night

They are stretched out now
And filled with crumpled photographs
And candy
And sticky notes full of bad one-liners

Like

“I thought I loved you until I loved you
And now I’m not sure of anything”

Forgive me
It was all I could afford

I want
More than just blankets to keep me warm at night
I want you to keep me warm at night

I want a type-writer big enough to run myself through
So I can rewrite the rough drafts my parents never finished

I want to bring the stars back west
So I can wish some more

I wish I knew how to be quiet
When beauty demanded silence
So her feet could echo proper
Drawing eyes to follow her sound

I want the trillions of miles my mind has traveled
To finally stop somewhere important

Like right here

Near the end of this poem

Where I tell you
I want so much
And need so little
Just the promise of tomorrow I guess
Until there are no more tomorrows
Then just a fair warning
Long enough to make you laugh maybe
That’s it

Doing laundry at night
A place down the street from me
In between a liquor store and a save-a-lot foods
Eyes buried in a new poetry book
and the washing machine’s timer
In my periphery
A little blonde girl sits next to me
And says very clearly,

“I wish someone had a quarter
For some candy”

She opens every metal spout
Tries every blocky butterfly key
Repeats herself, repeats herself, repeats herself,

She is with two men who keep calling her over
Until they don’t notice
And she comes to me again

This time her hand to her ear
Whether there really is a phone there
I can’t tell

She says,
“Yeah mommy
I really just want a quarter for some candy
Uncle J won’t give me one
And daddy isn’t listening
I wish you could have stayed in San Diego longer
I miss you already
Can you tell daddy to give me a quarter?
Are you coming back soon?
Mommy
I still want to talk to you
Just a quarter
Just a minute
Don’t hang up
K?”

I know this is barely halfway between Halloween and Christmas
I also know how long that sweetness really lasts
Not nearly long enough
And as supplies dwindle
It all becomes bitter

I leave a few quarters on the bench where I was sitting
Act like I don’t notice they fell out of my pocket
She acts like she doesn’t notice them there
We watch each other like adults watch the washing machine timers
So no one steals their property when they ding

I leave
And she does whatever she does
And that sweetness
Never lasts

There is nothing more exhausting
And equally refreshing
As crying yourself to sleep

I know this in how much lighter you feel when I hold you

In all that racket
And shaking
And heaving till you are breathless
Something heavy fell out of you

The dust that settles in your lungs needed to be shaken out
It’s okay if it made your tears muddy
Pain is *****
Life is *****

Even when god made us
It was from earth
Damp earth

For all we know
In the loneliness of space
And its coldness
And lack of light
God cried himself to sleep one night
And made us
By accident
From the dirt that settled
On the days he needed to be breathless
And he wasn’t lonely anymore

And you
You don’t have to be as lonely any more
I can hear you
And see you

I understand the sound of weight shedding
Pounds lighter till you can walk head up again
Without gravity workin’ overtime
On your heart
And eyes
And hands when
I try and Heimlich-hug
The heart stuck in your throat

You can never really see anything as clean
Until you see it at its dirtiest first
Because in the end
All we have is the mess that we leave behind
Leave your dirt behind
Where we’re going
We won’t need  it

Hope there’s someone
Standing like a statue
Cold and silver eyed angel
Waiting
I will kiss his feet
And rest my head on his shoulders
The nights he is kind enough to hold me

The floor of the middle ground
Is the softest earth I know
And I sink slowly as I walk
Not even faith will keep my feet above it

It is a vast expanse of lonely
Damp air but otherwise waterless
This is the place my prayers go
I can hear them like landmarks
Echoing my fears back to life

Home is the distance of a sunset
That never changes
Always in my sight
And always sets so far away

I savor it
And I hope there’s someone
Who will hold me
The nights I get so tired
I risk the earth’s hungry swallow
And give up

There’s a man on the horizon
Statue silver eyed angel
And there’s you on every horizon
I miss you

I am afraid of this place
Wasteland of mistakes
And picturesque landmarks of nightmares
You on every horizon

I don’t want to go
Wherever he is leading me
it is not home

You are home
You are sea sick waterbed *******
Fire sizzle sweat steam
Damp rag soaking up my deathbed
Perfect balance to my off kilter dance steps
You are home on the days I give up
And sink into whatever broken bed I have made this time
You are love in the long hours of insomnia
Head in crook of neck
Even though I know my collar bones aren't comfortable
You are sweet smelling
Rough around the edges
But still so much softer than me

And I hope there’s someone
To hold me
When I am tired
When I die
Because I am scared of that place

I don’t want to go

1
This is the song of you leaving
It is the lead finally soaking into my brain
Dumbing me down
This is the de-evolution
To perfection
Turning me into the animal
I knew I always was
Taking us back to the state where
True communication is the sound of something primal
You don’t have to be human
To understand the sound of desperation
It echoes off of lead paint walls
When we are left alone
It is the sound of my heart
Used as a door jamb
A last ditch effort to stop you from leaving

2
This is the song of quaking
The rhythm of helicopter blades over head
Rattling my windows
It is the sound of a faulty foundation
Reminding me all things are breaking down

3
Break me down to beastly
Howl my heart to heaven
You never misunderstood the rumble of my hunger
After the deep breathed sighs of my lust
The salivation of sizzling fat on a skillet

4
I always know where to hide
When the crack of bullets go off again
It is the air raid sirens of ghettos
It is the goose-stepping thunder
Of misled solidarity

5
I always know to walk the other way
When I hear someone crying
To hide my head under a pillow
When I hear weeping coming from another room

6
These pleads for help are wordless
But tug at my heartstrings
As painfully as any music
Only now the speakers are speechless
And the sound is without pattern
And the dancers are still
Fear is the sound of the quiet
Listening for a reason to move
Waiting for nature’s echoing bass drum
Telling you to run

7
Scatter you new found animals to safety
And lose your need for love
This is the sound of my saddened clatter
Keyboard key’s snare drum
It is the sound of a final poetic solo
Because as for being human
I am done

8
This is the song of me leaving
Wordy as it may be
Living a lifetime
Thinking this body is the pinnacle
This body is the tip of the bell curve
Before the hourly gong of descent
This is the song of becoming perfection
The song of de-evolution
It is me
Finally becoming an animal
Again

This is after my fourth near death experience

And she came to visit me

I was still unconscious

So still I could have been dead

And she kissed me

So often we bring people flowers at funerals

But who brings soup to keep people alive?

My lips longed for your love then

As much as they do now

So in the future

Don't wait til I'm almost dead to kiss me

She kicked me out of bed first thing in the morning
I didn’t even have time to make us breakfast
Not that she was hungry
She seemed satiated enough
So I left
and later met a friend for lunch

He was kicked out of bed first thing in the morning
He didn’t even have time to make his new lover breakfast
Not that he would have eaten
He seemed satiated enough
So my friend left
And he met me for lunch

Our attempts at fuckery find us
Not too far from one another
It is the distance of a coffee table in a diner
After we make our way to the wayside again

We both have water
And it washes our pallets clean
Of the liquor
And the cigarettes
And her mouth
And his mouth

Still lingering a little bit bitter
So we sip some more

These are sheets we leave behind so stained
That you hope the passion will stay
Until there are so many it doesn’t matter anymore
These one night stands will never feel any less *****

The spots of sweat and memory
That still won’t wash out
So many
They look like constellations
As the sheets hang to dry

I imagine they trace out your body
Not just your body
Any body

So generic now
It makes The Shroud of Turin
Look the aftermath of Babylon’s midnight bustle

These are the ways that love leaves you
Hanging you wet to dry
Stained and *****
And equally alone again

Forgive me for the way my mind wanders
I am still with you
I just didn’t want to *** yet

These are the ways my body leaves me
And then you
The morning after I accidentally told you I love you
Even though we just met

I have found and lost love
Enough times to secure my spot in hell by now
I mean
My fear of death his hell enough
To love you as much as I can

Forgive my neuroticism
As I leave again
Finding myself where my fuckery leaves me

At lunch
With a friend
Who is equally awkward
As we make way to the wayside again

I barely went to school
And was baptized underneath a rain gutter
But I promise
Despite my upbringing
I will die a poet

Birds never studied music
Nature never rough drafted its deformations
Including me
I was born perfectly broken
With heart in throat
And head in clouds
And head in ****

And head

Head everywhere else but center
Hands anywhere but to myself

I dare you to stop pumping fuel
Into my mouth’s motor
Dare you to make fun of me
For my special education
For my short bus
******
My education was special

I learned to walk on two feet
When I should have had four
And I learned
How to stop myself from crying
When I found out not everyone is going to love me

I’ve learned the language
Of your laughter
And can translate your sighs
To mean anything
Right now they are the exhalation of ghosts
You no longer wish to hold on to

Let them go
Let go of your ghosts
And don’t settle for anything less
Than the silence of your soul
As it leaves you
Take this poem with you when you do
It is a love note
Sending Saint Peter home

All are welcome here

Especially you

I mean
Nobody’s perfect
Especially poets
I’m not perfect
Which is perfect
Because that means
I can die
A poet

I know I aint much for looks
And you might not disagree when I say
Statues have more substance than this
I know I can’t Stendhal you to a standstill
It doesn’t mean that I can’t make you breathless
Like when I make you laugh

There is so much beauty in your laughter
That while you are wiping tears out of your eyes
Doubled over like you were trying to find your breath on the floor
I forget that I don’t like the way I look when I smile
And I smile

I know the math of aesthetics is lost on me
But you can save your symmetry
For building blocks and butterflies

Bad habits
Scars
And an awkward affinity for lopsidedness
Made me

Come

Balance me out

Because so often I feel like a fat kid
Sitting on a seesaw
Alone

Or a ******
Trying on different sizes of life
In carnival mirrors

Or a Greek artist
Who has chiseled all the wrong parts
To perfection
Before he understood realism

Realism
Is a twin sized bed at 3 am
After the cold seeps through the window pane
It is cobwebs stained black from a house fire
Before
I never realized we had that many
It is a vanity
Reminding me how not to be vain
Unless you mean this poem
This poem is vain

Realism
Is this
It is me
And it is you
Perfectly human
And nowhere near beautiful
Unless beauty is symmetry
And symmetry is when you balance me out
By being the other fat kid on the seesaw
Or the person who makes normal mirrors
So I can see what I look like in my own skin
Not perfect
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have ways
Of making you breathless

Come

Let me make you laugh again
Let me make you breathless

Your heartbreak is as cozy
As the fishbowl I still get dizzy in
After you took me off the back burner
And placed me on the counter to cool
I have to remind myself that
It is not an earthquake when you
Slam the kitchen cabinets
Even though
My world shakes

The thing about fish is
If you don’t put a lid on their bowls
They tend to jump out
Not that it is an attempt at suicide
Just that some of us were born
Without the capacity to understand
Our own limitations
Don’t tell me I can’t breathe on dry land
*******
I am a man
Which means I am too dumb to understand that
Unless I try

How am I supposed to know
That I can’t protect you from everything
Unless I try

How am I supposed to know
That I can’t love you forever
Unless I try

How am I
supposed to know
That duct tape
can’t hold everything together
Unless I try

How was I supposed to know
That we would eventually be
Nothing but gasps of air
On a damp cutting board
When the lashings of love
Have denatured the thickest parts of our skin

Maybe I don’t know how to fix everything
Or love you like a normal person
Maybe saying every thought I have out loud
Makes you uncomfortable
It makes me uncomfortable
My face isn’t always this red
My skin isn’t always this hot
I am not always this dumb

But I am a man *******
And maybe I just
Haven’t learned that yet

I am pretty sure I should have been born a bug
These eyes have never been good for believing
But these hands
Stretch out like antennae
And will hold heartbeats till people make sense

I have never met a lap that didn’t look comfy
Or shoulders too bony to rest my head on
I have never met a bear
That I didn’t want to hug me

I am so much one man sized
Invasion of privacy
That I hand out **** whistles on first dates
Not that I’d **** anybody
I just need a painful reminder
Of appropriate distance
Even though
Distance is painful

I mean
I get lonely sometimes
And if you invite me to bed
And don’t ask me for ***
I will skip straight to the cuddles
Till we sweat salty *** puddles

I mean
Goosebumps is the human kinda Braille
For hold me
I know that
Because
I can read your skin with my fingertips
Every chill
Every pock mark
And scar
Has a translation

And If I were a louse
Or a flea
Or a lone cricket
Chirping cuddle-bug morse code
In the silence of your naptime
I’d take the time
To translate the language of your body

All you have to do
Is hold me

Every word I have ever written
Has been some sad attempt to make you love me
I can’t hide my flaws behind walls of words
These black ink blemishes
Are like smears of blood
When you thought bleach would actually clear the crime scene

Not even the smoky morning rasp
Of my voice
When my spoken word sounds best
Stays steady
No
My brave voice breaks
In the same way my thoughts wander

They take me places
But I will always come back to you

Until you love me
I am showing what’s behind my wordy walls now
Before it is too late

Because years from now
After I have finally convinced you to love me
And I become a ******* again
Because I know you will love me
No matter what

Please leave me
And take all this poetry when you do
Because believe it or not
Everything I have ever written
Has always been for you

I know there are days
Where this depression gets so strong
It feels like gravity is making up for
All the times it accidentally let you fly
And after pouring yourself a bowl of cold cereal
The weight of the spoon as it goes to your mouth
Stretches time infinite

So you don’t eat
Hoping gravity will let you go
You let yourself go
Let it all go

You and I are characterized by deep breaths
And bad timing
Sick jokes
And a mouth so *****
You have to bite your tongue at times
To keep the flies out

Perfect is unattainable
Just try to be good
Do it for me
No one ever hated a man
Who kept his heart in the right place
Out of his chest
And on a mantle
Away from dust
In between
Bibles and poetry
Coloring books
And old *******

You might not care to be good
But you can’t be complete until you are

I wouldn’t be telling you this
Unless I knew that
Unless I knew what you would become
After making some of the hardest decisions in life
Like making it a point to stay alive

Stay alive
Be good
I love you
And trust me
In the end
You will be so happy

Signed
An ******* from the future

It is grey and snowy here
And I kinda miss the sun
She said

Woman
I am wishing you the warmth only a lover can offer
Via breathy nothings into your ear

Fills you like a balloon
And stands you so still
That your shadow on the snow
Looks more like a stain

I know you
Like the snowy backdrop of my foggy thoughts
When poetry is all that is left
To know who we are
And what we’ve become

It is us trapped in the porcelain distance
Between scalding hot coffee
And your shaking palm

So this is me
Wishing you warmth
And love
And burning belly cinderblock butterflies
The kind that don’t make you tremble
Just settle
Into the comfiest spot you know

Still cold?
I didn’t think so

The best part about waking up with a hangover

Is that I feel like so much ****

That six hours later

After the headache has passed

And solids stay where I want them to

And you suckerpunch me in the throat again

I find comfort knowing

At least

six hours earlier

I felt worse

Her confession for lack of a better word
Was confusing
Like that one time we lived in that house made of paper
And chain smoked
Till the draft came in
Just in case you didn’t know
You have to love someone
Before you don’t love them anymore
And you have to put the hell inside of me
Before you scare it out
It was almost as bad as that one time I was gunned down
On the corner of
Bad luck
And lonely
Maybe love has its casualties
But you can’t be a martyr for it
You can’t say you stuck around
Despite my anything
The door has always been right there
And I have always been right here
Perfectly human

So don’t **** the dawn
For rising the sun
Or expect the earth to stop spinning
Don’t tell me you don’t want me to love you
I’ll do it in secret
Like that one time
I sent you flowers
Signed
That other guy

The current love of your life
Perfect because of whatever
I couldn’t care less

Just
let’s go back a few years in time
So I can write you this note
“Check if you like me
Check if you don’t
Check if you’ll **** me
Check if you won’t”

No?
Too bad
I am two tall cans into this poem already
Least now
You’ve managed to put the hell in me
And as for martyrs
What do they do again?
Really
I just don’t wanna die lonely

Rhyme in my poetry is the kid in me

Having fun with the things

I’m supposed to take seriously

Since when was anything sacred anyway

I’ll let you watch me bathe

If that is the kind of naked game you wanna play

Like *** is sacred

I mean your body is no chapel

I’ll pick your shrapnel with my teeth

And yodel in the caverns of your canyon

Till your hips jive-talk my mouth a mountain

I mean you’ve got the youth-iest fountain

Woman

This is ***** talk

Why you laughin’?

No I don’t remember last time

I slipped myself the roofie

Didn’t think this’d happen unless I was loopy

Not that I’m a catch

Or that me getting you’s a stretch

Or that thing I asked you to do

Is really all that far-fetched

Just don’t ask me to take you seriously

Because like this ***** rhyme

And what we do on any given night’s a crime

And because when these clothes come off

You meet the kid in me

Who can’t take you

Or anything else all that seriously

Probably

I shouldn't have drank so much

At that gay bar last night

Because the hicky on my neck

Is a little too big

A little too purple

And she was so ******* gorgeous

She was

I think

At least I have comfort knowing

We are all beauful on the inside

These are the stages of worship

I pray for sleep
So that it might be tomorrow again
As long as there is a tomorrow
I can have a second chance at not ******* up so badly

Time machines are for those who
Don’t fully understand the paradox of change
I don’t want things to change
I just want a chance to make myself better

There is a vertical scar in the center of my chest
From bad biology
And an awkward urge to live
With just enough texture
That it could be the butterfly key
To a wind-up toy
Its slow revolution
Counts down my heartache till it stops

I accept
That we are inherently selfish
It is okay to be selfish
If we weren’t
we wouldn’t be here

I accept
That we are characterized by an innate
Ability to be inconsistent

I accept you
Perfectly

But I don’t want forgiveness
I know I drink too much
But when I drink I can feel
Without having to think

I know
You might not forgive me
For everything

Don’t

Just trust that my heart
And the heart of whoever made me
Is off somewhere where the right place might be
Wishing good intentions
Until my heart bursts

I know I am not perfect
I don’t want to be
But I know that somewhere along the line
At least
I was meant to be

I am an earthquake

In the desert

Working the rough sand to settle

In my belly

So that the ache in the pit of my gut

Might lose its shape

These shoulder blades feel like wings sometimes

Too bad these hands are prehensile

Not feathered or webbed

Just full of chemo-quake

And tremble

Unless I can hold your hand

Hold my hand

I’ll reverberate your ***** soul to settle

Till we’ve shaken the dust a firmament

Big enough to stand on

I need redemption enough

That stuck in the filter of my cleansing

Is enough dirt to build a hill to stand on

Forget heaven

When I can stand on the land of my past mistakes

And revel in the beauty I left behind

Don’t get left behind

And don’t go to heaven

Just stay with me in the middle

Where I have managed to compact this broken to solid

Like a ghost in a landfill

Haunt these hollow halls of filth with me

Until ***** is all that’s left

***** is all that is left

I understand that you might want to bathe sometimes

Not everyone can live like I do

Not everyone shares my infatuation

With broken things like I do

Let me get you just a little *****

Let me break you too

Let me recycle our fuckery

Till the filaments fit

I am a “found” artist

Making the broken beautiful

What everyone keeps forgetting

Is that even we are recyclable

And there isn’t anything that cannot be rebuilt

So let me make a new heaven

So that I can be like a ghost

Haunting a landfill

I want to go back
To when I was a child
And I didn’t know what it meant
To be self conscious

When beautiful was synonymous
To how nice a person was to you

When I used to fit in the smallest of places
Like in the cupboard under the kitchen sink

I never imagined it was anything other than
Underneath the kitchen sink

But I felt safe there
During bouts of my father’s fury

Like a mouse in a jar
When the dog’s tongue could still lick its cheek
Close enough to understand
The severity of teeth

In my living room
there is a hole in the floor
From a house fire
Just big enough for me to fit into
If I took the shape of a ball

I know I could never fill the hole in your chest

But my heart
Is a bomb shelter
Big enough for the both of us

And if beauty really can be synonymous with nice
Then call me gorgeous
‘Cause it’s all I got

No

Call me, Gorgeous
Why don’t you
You should have me on speed dial by now

I mean
I can bullet proof vest your lonely
And if you tell me I am handsome
I’ll probably fall in love with you

I mean
I am too awkward and lunky to fit anywhere nowadays
Other than a hole in a floor
When cigarette ash crop circled my fears back to life
And I realized that being a man means

Really

You have no place to hide

Unless

It’s in a bomb shelter
I built in the back of my heart

Probably

We could be safe there

The grain of salt I mistook you for
Still tasted bitter on my pallet

Forget that when
We buckled
We never broke
Just bent

Like the tense end of a ruler
Like childhood daring
Teasing the ends to touch
Before the snap
Sent you home for being disobedient

You sent me home
So many times
I got the path back memorized
The same way Ice skaters know
When to move

There is a special kind of cursive
Etched in the dusty back roads
Of my misbehavior

Spells out
Perfect
sometimes

Spells out
Forgive me

Spells out
Last ditch effort to make you like me

I barely know where I am going

Barely know where I've been

Just got this itch to move

I guess

If I were blind
I could still appreciate the topography
Of your smile

Forgive my trembling hands
They do that sometimes

Forgive me for standing too close
For too long

Just that I could’ve sworn
Your halo felt like handcuffs
And I’d like to get stuck in there

I mean
I’d pillar of salt your gaze
To season the earth you walk on
Forget that I’ll **** the plant life if I do that

You’re not a biology major

And I don’t care if I destroy the flowers

This is California

The desert part

I’m takin’ something down with me

I mean
This poetry is its own reward
Even if you never know

I mean
I got laughter on remote control
And I worry that I’ll wear your buttons down

Funny bones aint so funny when they break

I mean
I could love you if you let me
And you are more than welcome to break my heart

I mean
I am just so tired of writing love poetry

Turns out
I am a man sized
Inappropriate
Bad idea machine
And I wish I had someone to blame

Like you maybe

I’d like to cause and affect your beauty
How I drink to stop my stutter
But only when I see you do I stutter

Is that beer on my breath
Beautiful woman?
Or is it the burning smell
Of leftover courage

I found it in a cup
Cost me five dollars

I mean

Chivalry is not dead
He and I just got lost in translation

How I still think it’s cute
To drunk text
Or type

Or

I mean I am drunk right now
Writing this
A six pack alone
And still
I can see you in the fog
Of my memories movies
Just as clearly sober
And just as hauntingly beautiful

Probably I shouldn’t tell you that
But phone in hand
I say

What’s up?

I’m drunk again.

Goodnight.

I mean
Not even fake courage
Could settle obnoxiousness enough
To be truthful

So in permanent marker
On my bathroom mirror
I remind myself

“You are an *******”
Turns out
I’m an *******

“I don’t believe in love”
He said
“There’s just this
Sycophantic idea with forever
And that somehow our passion
Could last exactly that long”

I think about you
And I almost believe him
But I know
I can love you forever

I am too good at bear hugs
And am fully flexible
When it comes to Kama Sutra napping
I can hold you in slumber
From any angle

I know there are days
Where I fall so far apart
The slow drag of my soul
Along the ground
Pieces me back together a little *****

I am a little *****
Especially when it comes to my mouth
I say things sometimes
That surprise the disgusting

I hope you like ***** talk

And I hope you can be patient
Forever is a long time to love somebody

I mean
Centuries from now
After my soul has doubled back
On it’s ***** self
So many times I come back as just a flower
I will still try and smell nice for you

And I will try and stay alive in
Whatever *** you drown me in
For as long as I can

I mean
I can’t live forever
But as long as I do
I am fully capable
Of loving you

Can I trust the eyes seeking mine?
I want to
Because they look like home
Through sepia tones
A bittersweet nostalgia before
We learned how easily people break

I want to trust your arms
They look just big enough to hold me
When I know the only way I feel safe
Is in the shape of a ball

And if you were any more beautiful
I’d be *******
Much like the ten beers I should’a
Said no to
Before you
And they
Had me sycophantic and stumbling
And already
just a little bit
*******

I want the smell of you to linger on my clothes
The same way fire does
After a book burning
Just a little bit shameful

I want you to stop my stammering
With a kiss
To preoccupy my mouth
Long enough to subdue my stupid

I want to let go
Of the fever that makes my back sweat
When I see you
And the worry
That your eyes might lose their shine someday

I want you
In all the ways that
I am probably not supposed to want you
But I do

I want our wrinkles to one day fit
Like ****** up Ziploc bags
It’s that bad
So kiss me
Before I tell you that

And maybe
keep your eyes closed
Until I can trust them
Because I want to

Woke to the smell of smoke
Only to find my family
Standing around our couch which was on fire
Like a group of homeless people trying to stay warm

This is just practice
For when the money runs out

Forget the missing smoke detectors
Forget the old man just standing there
Saying, “I’m sorry” like old men do
Forget four walls
Walls are flammable

There is this distance
The size of apathy
And we
Are in the middle
Huddled around a fire
Trying to stay warm
As our house burns down around us

Until finally
Dry lips whisper water
And ***** lungs
Die for air
And I grab a hose from the porch

As the smoke finally clears
As they huddle in the car
With the heater running
As I learn to finally see my home as broken

Still
I will always have a safe place to cry
And we will always have a safe place
To lie

Breathless and still, he stood there
And still fell the rain
That soaked
Saturating every fabric
A darker shade of lonely

Rain
It’s his favorite color
So he stood breathless

All silent save for a lone heartbeat
Pulse in his ears
Like a sunken head in still bathwater

The steady rhythm reminds him
He is still living
And helpless to stop it
Like the rain
His favorite color
Darkening his view
So it can be brighter again

He knows
Fathers will forget when they get to that age
And brothers will always need rough love
When it is hardest to give

With hospital

And phone

And car

And credit card bills

Still in his hand

Getting heavier

And darker

And wetter

He stood in his driveway
Breathless and broken
Buckled at the backbone of forever
Never finding center
But for as long as the weather permit
He was at least happy

Ugly started the moment air filled lungs

Making breath

That finally became wails

Hollering heavy and hollow

Into an already upside down world

Something completely ugly made us

Unless beautiful is unto perfect

And perfect is unto unique

And unique

Is the pattern of pock marks

A bitter snowflake reminder

Of the days my blemished face has bled enough

A broken pattern of scars

From the cancer

And first suicide attempts

And tattoos

That remind us

Whatever is left behind

And is still standing

Is permanent

Including me

Beauty is unto statues crumbling

Still standing

Despite times blunt chisel tip

Let’s be broken down to perfection

Because there’s all this beauty inside

Inside awkward snowflake patterns

Of nervous breath

Making my voice break

During the days when I need to be the most confident

Like when I finally tell you

I love you

And mean it

This messed up mound of flesh

Was given life for a reason

Even if it is just to love

Whoever is around to be loved

I can do that

Despite the hand tremors

And broken toothed smiles

And bitter snowflake reminders

Of ****** up fingerprints

Smudging everything

I touch

I can do that

Because this

This is as beautiful as any of us are going to get

And I am cool with that

Forgive me for my silence

Just that

My mouth has only ever been good

For ******* things up

I know

The cherry pie you baked your heart into

Still tasted like the lucky side of copper

I know all that sweet

Is the only way to keep it down

I know you might think you deserve this

You don't

These scars are not some secret cuneiform

There are no answers waiting

In the long nights you wish would just end

What we all keep forgetting

Is there is always a place of rest

You can rest here

In my silence I am still learning that

Still learning how to properly hold people

Still trying to get my timing right

Because

When is it ever really a good time

To say I love you

I know we’ve all been told

These types of things get easier

But even if they did

I wouldn’t want them to

We are supposed to be complicated

Like my awkward silence

While staring you down in a parking lot

Wondering again

Why I didn’t say what I was thinking

If you wanted to know

I was thinking

My hands have only ever been good for squeezing

And my heart has only ever been good for pumping

And my mouth has only ever been good

For ******* things up

So forgive me

Just that I wanted to keep you here

A little longer

Forgive me for my silence

Just that

My mouth has only ever been good

For ******* things up

I know

The cherry pie you baked your heart into

Still tasted like the lucky side of copper

I know all that sweet

Is the only way to keep it down

I know you might think you deserve this

You don't

These scars are not some secret cuneiform

There are no answers waiting

In the the long nights you wish would just end

What we all keep forgetting

Is there is always a place of rest

You can rest here

In my silence I am still learning that

His finger fidgeted with the small hole in his jeans
Right above the left knee
It caressed the rust of a healing scab

He knew boyhood was sitting at the tense end of a slingshot
While balancing on a thin branch
Creeping in through the window
Of his tree house

His shins were permanently bruised
From hitting the edge of the bed
After jumping and missing
In order to avoid whatever may be living underneath it

Ten years from now he will regret
Not being in enough family photos
And for placing too many boxes full of old clothes
Underneath his bed
For anything to truly live there

He will know manhood sitting at a red light
Begging the breaks to go out
So his only option will be
To go

When he is old
And so much a baby again
He will beg time to be patient
Long enough to understand

Why when he was a boy
The slingshot band never broke from the tension
Before releasing rocks to break windows
He had to spend the summers working off

But as a man
Trapped at a red light
Why not once
The breaks ever went out
So that he might have an excuse
To go

**** defining heartbreak

Because in the lifetime it takes to forgive yourself for

Not learning to let go sooner

You could have learned to pray backwards

Pulling god inside like an inhale

And keeping him there

Emily could have learned that

After her father left

It is the memories she held on to

That really made her lonely

Every room is an empty room at some point

Just like her throat some days

Felt like a hallway

Stretching like a bad dream to keep

The moans in

She knows sometimes

You gotta let it out

Her shrapnel soul

Is practiced in picking up the pieces

How some days you have to pluck out the shards

Despite the pain

She knows that if she doesn’t

The jagged bits of breath

Still stuck in all the wrong spots

Will fester

She knows

She’ll probably never get to breathe deeper than this

So she counts breaths like steps till she hits her limit

And then she waits

For someone to tell her it’s okay

To cry in public

Again

So **** defining heartbreak

Because you could have learned

To pray backwards by now

Taking in god like an inhale

And keeping him there

Long enough for the pain to stop

The Grand Canyon
Was once a shallow river bed
Until the water wore away the earth
So far down that when you look over the edge
Many have the urge to jump

When you leave this planet

As you rise

You’ll see

Waterfalls are really mountains
Weeping your departure
Tears enough to make oceans

The thought of your ghost
Quakes the earth in shivers
At the imbalanced caused
By your missing weight

You are that important

Tornadoes are just the sky’s
Way of funneling your soul back down
To the ground where you belong

But we both know

You’ll never stay

If the earth is not strong enough to keep you here
Can’t imagine there is any way
I ever could

I could never mourn
As loud as thunder
I don’t have lightning defribillators

And
I don’t sleep at night
Because I am used to sinking to the left

Your weight is that significant

And yeah
Sometimes the earth wins
Tidal waves
And earthquakes
Even tornadoes claim people

But not you

Not when you leave on your own accord
Not when you have the urge to jump
Making mountains weep
And the sky mourn thunder

As I look up at the sun and burn my eyes
I realize the world looks more beautiful when it’s dark
Looks like waves of light against the black
Like a music screen saver on a computer

As I hold the rose she gave me
I realize it is far less beautiful without its thorns
Looks naked and defenseless
Like rusty bear trap dentures

Grandmother always smelled like
The green part of the garden
And bit like the bitter bark she fed me
When she didn’t want to waste soap
On my ***** mouth

She said even my feet were too large
For the garden she tended
So I could not smell the roses
Or pick the tomatoes
Or rub my fingers against the thyme

I could not climb the trees
Or pluck worms from the earth
Early in the morning
Before the sun warmed the soil

So I stood
like a sunflower
Praying to grow tall one day
And stared at the sun
And realized
The world is just as pretty when it is dark

The Carpenter ants

Walk through the cracks in the wall

The white stucco

lookin’ like the surface of the moon during daylight

It’s what living things do

Make homes in places that are broken

Little ants re-patch the woodwork

Till the tunnels spell home

in slightly destructive cursive

Dust is dead skin

I had cancer once

And it tried to eat me from the inside

There’s a hole in my chest now

Just big enough for your soul to fit into

It’s what living things do

Entropize the edges till we fit

Even if we were never supposed to

We’ve all gotta fit somewhere

Even if we have to chew our way through

There is a hole in my chest now

With just enough space

For you

The word “Enthusiasm” comes from the Greeks

Meaning

God within the self

There is a god inside myself

Needling my fingertips when I touch you

I think they had it right

When they said

There is a god inside of everything

There is a god inside my mother’s voice

Calling me back to sleep

And inside

Broken beer bottles

On beaches

Inside the blood that runs from my feet

When I step on beer bottle beach glass

There is a giant of a god

In the ocean

And he’s dying to swallow me

There is a god

Inside every passing moment

His voice as subtle as a whisper

During an earthquake

Reminding you how to be calm

You have to be calm to listen

I have heard

If you play a piano

Tuned to the key of broken

You will hear the voice of

Humility

It is the sound of a god

Reminding you

Every beautiful thing breaks too

Every beautiful thing

Breaks too

There is a god

Kind enough to white noise my panic

Living in every deep breath I take

So that I might have just enough time

To explain how I love you

There is a god in the words of wisdom

Falling short of the ears they were

Supposed to take

Take my ear

Take my heart

Take my breath

And beat the dust of back country

Back into the god living inside the man

Who’s fingertips burn when he touches you

My fingertips burn when I touch you

I am pretty sure they had it right

When they said

That there is a god

In everything

It was nice finally hearing your voice again

The anticipation like staring down the barrel of a gun

Only to hear it jam

It is nice to know you are not some big bang

So that I may finally lay my weapons down

This shield was so heavy from the weight of your motion

My legs grew tired from keeping me faced in your direction

They spelled dizzy

In dirt brown cursive

The grooves I wore into the pavement

The siren’s song singing so heavy

Working the cotton

Pulling it lose

You are not some siren song

Or a stampede when I put my ear to the ground

You are breath and bone

And break

as easily as I do

So let me learn to regret your whisper

Teaching my tongue

The taste of the secret Braille

On your teeth

Breaking my pattern like dancing

With all 4 of our left feet

The distance it takes your voice to travel

Thins out the shape of your longing

I know you

I know you

Like the nights where I thought I could hold you

But then realized my arms

Could never meet the circumference of your pedestal

Until you taught me to hammer

Dull chisel tip to your armor

I’ve finally lain my weapons down

After your voice misfired I love you

You can see my scars

Like a runway sash

From the top of my shoulder

Down to the opposite hip

They say

This Was Supposed to be Beautiful

And let me tell you again

That shield

It was so heavy

You came along as pretty as a nightmare

Some six headed beast

Spittin’ your venom of

Self fulfilling prophecy

You

Darlin’

Hid your devils inside heartbeats

And kissed like promises

Kissed like broken promises

Lied like lovers do in moments of passion

There was passion in your poetry

Sweat that sizzled like the boiling of flesh

My teeth felt like coals from the heat of your breath

And I gag reeled our sunset

To slap stick and circus music

I never felt so awkward

But you saluted the setting sun somethin’ ***** anyway

You

You nightmare

Dressed in gasps of air

And quaking eyelids

Dressed in moments of

Let me turn the lights off before I get naked

At least we are more like insects in the dark

Crawling and feeling

And biting til it tastes right

I was always afraid of what I couldn’t see

And I felt you like a nightmare

Inside the gaping wound that is the time it takes

To love yourself

So that one day

you can love somebody else

And then I awoke like a nightmare

Lungs filling slowly

Like clown head carnival balloons

And the shapeless dark

And the relief

That whatever it was

Is finally over

Inside of my throat there is this place I call church

This is how I pray

Through repetition

Of awkward self destruction

The beer in my belly

Bulging with pendulous weight

Adds momentum for fists to strike

Strike walls

Strike steering wheels

Strike faces in bouts of anger

I get lost most days

Inside of my head

And I pray

This is how I pray

On my knees

Inside of a tub

While water washes over me

The steam mixes with my sweat

And takes it away

I don’t believe in god

But I know

With all my heart

That if I did not come from something sacred

Then I could not tell you I love you

And mean it

This is how I pray

With knives in bellies

Cutting out psalms

They look like

Gnarled black tumors

Humming contently

And fade like

Lip shushed fingertips

Begging for the quiet

Listen

This is my church

And this is how I pray

You are welcome to stay

Mostly because I am not fit to judge anyone

I just want you to know

That sacred feels like skin

Draped over bone

Looking like a sad science project

And it’s the closest thing to perfect

Any of us will ever get

I signed the DNR form
And steeled myself
As if this cancer were a battle I could fight with my fists
I felt like a man
Standing before the open mouth of a cave marked midnight
Like grimaced teeth and the desire for life were enough
To withstand the fire the chemo caused my skin
It made my skin crawl some nights

I was sure I would wake just bone
Until I looked just bone
Like an ill fitting skin sheet
Draped over a science project
And enough voice to remind whoever heard me
That I was somehow still human

I felt like a man
Who could do this alone or die trying
That if I were given a scalpel
I could cut this out of me
Pull out whatever caused this
It would look like a gnarled black ball
Humming contently
Like lip shushed fingertips
Begging for silence

I chewed on my pillow
Until my jaw taught me to sleep

I felt like a man
At the end of a road
Who finally realized
The difference between battles you fight with your fists
And battles you fight with caves marked midnight
And battles you fight in a sweat drenched hospital bed
That smells like bleach
And makes you miss home
Battles that remind you
No matter what sort of man you feel like
There is always something
That can make you feel like a child

Paul Simon says, “There’s angels in the architecture”

I know that they are poised at the edge

Wings hesitant at the idea

That they should not open once the angel jumps from the failure of another building

That babbles the broken laws of physics

Because it could not reach heaven

The angels know now

The only way up is down

Sometime even Angels forget

The only way to make it to morning

Is to survive another night

There was no fire licking their backs

No gun coaxing the plank

Sometimes the chute doesn’t open

Or the wings don’t catch the breeze

Sometimes the fire

Is just a form of depression

The kind that makes you believe

The only way up

Is down

The foam floats in her glass lookin’ like a ***** snowflake

     Her fingerprints still in the frost


No matter what any sober person tells you

     No two lips are the same


No two dances on dimly lit dance floors

     The scuff marks scatter in so many directions


Even the music is a remix

     Of something that could have been perfect


Even if it’s the same bar over and over

     My memory the next morning is foggy


Even the warm spots on the other side of the bed

     Change shape like crop circles


If you ever stayed long enough

     To try my French toast


You’d see how the swirls look like galaxies

     And the thought of spinning might make you miss the flavor


But I know what perfect feels like

     Through so many filters


And every night now is a remix

     Of something that could have been perfect

Why must we destroy language with abbreviations?

In my phone

And on my computer screen

The words lack worth

Lack depth

Lack the luster

The way they taste on my tongue as my jaw works the syllable

ILY means I LOVE YOU

See also: If I had to choose between holding the world up like Atlas or holding you

I’d hold you till the earth shattered.

BRB means BE RIGHT BACK

See also: I am not leaving forever and in a few minutes

You can once again have my undivided attention

*** means WHAT THE ****

See also: I can’t believe you left me like that

I mean WHAT THE ****?

BFF means BEST FRIEND FOREVER

See also: I don’t care if it takes forever for you to say that

Take all the time you need

DTF means DOWN TO FORNICATE

See also: DOWN TO ****

See also: For an evening

I am going to leave my best friend forever

For a girl who makes me wonder

What the **** I am doing with my life

For the chance that she may actually one day tell me

I love you

But the first morning after

As the breeze cools the sweat off our naked bodies

As she finally wakes up

Looking like the safety of bad memories

I kiss her on the forehead and say

I’ll be right back

Only this time

I won’t be

When I made Santa Clause cry for the first time

It could have been the expiration date in my smile

Or the Charlie Brown Christmas tree

On the desk by my bed

He brought little blocks of wood

Shaped like

Pine trees

And Trains

And Snowmen

And he brought paints the nurses didn't want us to have

I asked him how close heaven was

To the North Pole

With all that white it had to be close

He said it wasn't far

Maybe a mile into the fog

I asked him if next year maybe I could visit

And then I wondered if that meant

Heaven was cold

This is super secret loving
Like when my foot accidentally touches yours over coffee
I ask if you want to play footsies
And then move my foot away to make sure
The whole thing isn’t weird
And you tell me I don’t have to move my foot
So I then rub my leg against yours
Like a one legged cricket who’s sure
He’s found the set that plays his song
Only your face turns red
And the song doesn’t play

I look to my super secret decoder
Mood ring that tells me what you’re feeling
Only if I can touch you long enough for it to change colors
So I hold your hand like a zipper
And you shake mine away like a stove linger
I half expect you to **** your finger like a cigarette burn
The ring looks like antifreeze
Caught in the glare of sunlight
With no definite answer
And I don’t know what to think

This is super secret heartbreak
As I apologize
Even though I was being myself
Like a man who never knew a mirror
Like a boy
Who wanted to say something like
You smell really good
I know I should have learned
To keep my hands
And feet to myself by now

But this is super secret loving
And the storm swirling in my super secret decoder mood ring
Is fading to green like envy
And now blue

Super secretly
I say
Let’s try this again
As you stand up to leave
After reading a text message
About how your dog died

Super secretly
I say
stay