I remember the days when you wanted to die
When your face was on the verge of cloudbursting
Into such a storm
I could feel the traffic jam of the sound in my own throat
Creeping up to tell you I love you

But the words dragged too slow
And I gagged
And vomited in my mouth
Swallowing all the words that should have come out

I know you stained that razor red
And I know rope burn scars when I see them
And I should have known that the safety was off
On that loaded gun I never realized was
So much determination

If I had known
I would have held your hand
And fallen with you
In the same way I fell in love with you

Split second to pavement
Split hairs over who died the longest
Because
I am still here

In the split second between the moment
You laughed at something disgusting I said
And then kissed me for no reason
I knew how this was going to end

She sang lullabies like a driveway

The gravel rolled off her tongue

And sounded like steady rain as it hit the cement

It’s the only sound sympathetic enough

To touch your black and blue

Without causing anymore ache than you already have

The sound holds me like a blanket

Made of black velvet draped over my mother’s arms

It hurts like nostalgia reminding me

That I am too big to ever be held like that again

Even if we weren’t in a cemetery

Anyone would be stupid to stop it

I felt like I walked in on something I wasn’t supposed to

But I watched and listened

As the sounds of back-country

Flowed from the mouth of this woman

Who did not know I was watching her

Her bated breaths were a sermon

Beggin’ her practitioners to accept death

I would have marched to it

Even if it led me to the edge of a cliff

I’d have stepped off careless

Holding on to the idea of home

She finally realized I was listening

And stopped long enough

To shake her finger at my nose

Before continuing

To let the gravel pour from her mouth

Onto a block of cement

Probably the same size as the casket it marked

It begged me to stay

Like a lullaby

Placing me back into my mother’s arms

Reminding me

I am way too large to ever be held that way

Again

I watched you turn into

A punching bag

Until the sand worked to settle in pit of your stomach

It’s the kind of love so heavy and jagged now

Like a kidney stone that you thought would never pass

Until it passes

Painful and ******

And you think

“How could such a small thing like that

Hurt me so badly”

And you finally understand forgiveness

Like the pinstripe scars on your back

You have to feel the metal leave you

Before you can let anything go

And you have to remind yourself

Someone is always going to love you

Despite your broken record

Skipping at the spot where

Your song hits its chorus

You have to remind yourself

That eventually

The thin metal fibers will

Find the next groove

And then you can groove

Into the beat breakin’ happy

Of your constantly confused smile

And settle your doubts

Into the arms of someone

Who doesn’t have all the answers

But knows exactly when to hold you

You have to remind yourself

How often the right thing to say

Is sitting between a bitten lip

And deep breath

And finally a smile

A laugh

A tear

Don’t offer answers to the questions you never wanted to be asked

Don’t tan the leather

Of the thickest parts of your skin

Even punching bags break

Don’t hang your head to watch

How your feet pace towards the end

The end is always gonna be there

And remember

Someone

Is always going to love you

When I wanted to be a superhero

I forgot how important it is to have a sidekick

I forgot that when I tried to go into that good night gently

I did not have to go in alone

That when I fell face first into mud thick puddles

In places so dark it feels like drowning

You could have been by my side

I forgot that I am only human

That the only weapon I’ve ever held is a pen

And the notebook I keep in my breast pocket

Would burn up at the thought of a bullet

Superheroes don’t wear pocket protectors

So when my editing pen broke

I saw what a bullet wound might look like

But I still let you fall behind

The voice of reason

Of clichéd comedy sayin’,

“Holy Ginsburg crazy man

Poets don’t save people

They just look for reasons to cry”

And if you had gone in there with me

I might have come out alive

Gone back to my day job

Loved you proper

With 9 to 5 weekday normalcy

And nights so silent

I’d have to press my ear to the wooden floor

And listen to the sound of the cold expanding

Just to fall asleep

I made it to the other side of the city

I’ve since removed my armor

It sits wrapped in slowly thinning paper

Trapped between the lines I secretly wrote you into

I never had any powers in me

Just a lot of passion in me

But I still keep forgetting

I can’t do this alone

Stop your stuttering heart

And attempts to explain how this is complicated

Let me lap the language from your mouth

Until the words become sound

There is nothing complicated about a moan

Or trying to catch your breath

Let me love you primal

Let me rewind your dizzy gut

So I can love you backwards

So we can start at the end

And you can see that we both die happy

There are no words to explain your presence

How I know that at least

One of those hits on my poetry page is you

Even then

You’d need a stethoscope to hear the subtle changes in my heartsong

So don’t give me reasons why this won’t work

You should know by now

That I was born to surprise people

I’m an underachiever

You can let slide by this time

We both know how this ends

Let’s get past this and

Go straight to the good part

Where I turn your doubts into sounds

Even a baby can understand

Adults coo sometimes

Let me be a quiet sigh of relief

In order to mask the mumbles

Of your fear

Let me turn you into a sound

A moan

A sigh

A quiet breath

And then

Let me love you

I am too patient to hold my anger for long

But I’d hate you forever if you let me

My short fuse diffused

By your apathy

Just the other day my cat brought me a mouse

Its legs kicked trying to catch invisible ground

So it could find someplace to hide

I watched it die slowly

Because I never learned ******* anything

I think of days where I have been filled with fear

Days where the bubbles in my butterfly gut

Burst the psalms of some unrequited

Love song with the title of your name

The gentleness of your other cheek

Remind me that those are

The same days where I try to catch ground that melts beneath my feet

And I have nowhere to hide

And how I wished someone would have put me out of my misery

Put me out of my misery

There are days where

It would be easier to forget

That I ever loved you

Than tryin’ to hold on to the anger

I create

In order to forget that you don’t love me

Anymore

It is similar to when you get so drunk

You eat just to feel yourself eating

Or you ****

Just to feel yourself *******

There is this thin glove covering

The memories of us

And I am ashamed knowing that

You fell asleep in my arms

And I can’t remember what it felt like

I tried to sleep in the shape

Of a hollowed log

So that I could feel like

I might actually be able to protect somebody

That the thin shell of myself might at least keep the rain out

I know we kissed

Through the thin veil of inebriation

And you laughed saying that my beard tickled

I want to remember what you smell like

But through the buzz

My olfactory

Became an old factory

That shut down

In the morning my mouth tasted like copper

From biting my cheek in my half sleep

And you smelled like a perfume shop

From the distance of subtlety

Still beautiful first thing in the morning

And I felt just shy of *****

And mostly ashamed

That I couldn’t remember

What you felt like