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Mar 2016 · 272
End
Jon Shierling Mar 2016
End
Thus do I gather these scattered memories
tenderly,
having been burned
having been broken
the time comes to carry them into the coming days
quietly.
Mar 2016 · 1.7k
Every Lovely Thing
Jon Shierling Mar 2016
What are you supposed to do when everything that used to bring you pleasure fades? Has been fading....for a long long time. It's not like you can do just more and harder drugs. Going back and trying to make things okay with old flames isn't an option either, they've just mastered the art of moving on, while you clearly haven't. And it's one thing to have not been able to move on, but another to wake up and realize that the people you love are standing around on tiptoe, waiting for you to lose your mind.

This isn't for them though, this expose isn't for my loved ones. This is for me.

It's 10:54 PM on Friday the 18th, and I am only responsible for my own actions. That's it, that's the beginning and the ending of everything I have ever written, or thrown up, or cried, or whispered into a lover's ear.

My name is Jon Daniel Shierling, and my Father was a Navy boy. He did the best he could with what he had, and he loved my Mother deeper than he knew how to express. My Mother was a Virginia girl, the blacksheep of her family, the hippie girl just a few years too late, but she had a vision and a hope. This scene I'm giving you is probably very far from the truth, but it's what i remember and what I've been able to piece together. For better or worse, their story is one that has followed me since I pieced it together. Not that it really matters anymore.

I'm just your run-of-the-mill garden-variety baser(as my brother calls them), but I used to do good, I used to try. I gave all I had in pursuit of something. I joined the Army in the hope of making a difference. Turns out I was just the same nobody I always knew I would be. Lemme tell you somethin about hookers boy, all of em are lookin for the one, and you ain't it. They've all got the face of your long lost love that you couldn't be there for.

There's no such thing as the one, and the girls that you've met dying for something more, it's not your job to give it to them. You'll never be able to give them what they need, and it's not your fault.

You knew this, way back when at Flagler when you were still a boy in cowboy boots getting chucked out of beach parties after trying to steal a bottle o ***. What a ******* scare when you saw Kiki up in St. Augustine a few months ago, as if that was a good enough reason.
Get mad if that makes you feel better, but you know it won't be the truth. You're the same old soul today as you were driving down Hwy 98 with the wind in your hair in the old green Taurus. You had people you loved with you, and it ended. That idea ended. Just because it hurt doesn't make it okay for you to stop being a caring person.

I digress, I stopped believing. I stopped believing the day that I understood that I couldn't love a girl enough to take away the terrible things her father did to her. I couldn't **** that man and make it better. And she's not the only one who loved me. I attract girls looking for hope that I don't have to give. I loved Rachael too, but there was nothing I could do to take back what her brother did.

Maybe my real failing, my real **** up, was not recognizing a good thing when she came my way. Maybe that's why I couldn't understand something so simple. God Amanda was, is, beautiful.....she was all I was looking for. And yet......I never slept well in bed with her.

Yes I have hurt people, hurt people that loved me without my understanding. This I thing, this I word, I'm not sure that abandoning will get me to where I should be. We'll see what happens. We'll see where I end up.
Mar 2016 · 660
All That's Left
Jon Shierling Mar 2016
There were many things I wanted to ask when I held you in my hands. Things I know now you were waiting for me to ask. But it wasn't in me to bring those shadows to light in that ****** room after I had proved myself to be no better than those that wounded you so deeply. I had thought myself inviolate, apart, above temptations aside from those I actively hurled myself after. You offered me that needle and I thought I had to, in order to prove myself somehow I guess, but I also wanted to get ******, so I traded love for solidarity. Ironically, since then I've not craved opiates, and the one night I got ****** up enough to query a spike I was too drunk to manage. I guess I have you to thank for getting that out of me. But the expectation and the surprise in your eyes when I let you shoot me up, and then many hours later nearly **** us, are things I'll take to my grave with me. I loved you. I loved you those years ago when we were teenagers, and I loved you the second time you hit me, like some kind of beautiful horror out of the past. We didn't do a very good job of loving each other my dear, but **** it if we didn't try. You never set out to hurt me, and I didn't wanna cause you pain either. But it we did hurt each other, in ways I don't have the words to explain. I put my hope in you, my love, but I guess didn't have enough left of a heart. And it was indeed stupid of me to bring you back to the heart of your pain expecting a miracle. But you in your turn did the same to me. You took my last hope in a happy ending, in terrible beginnings turning out okay. Never again will I let someone just as broken as me in, never again will my walls fall. I'm sorry your father did what he did to you, but nothing I could have ever done would have taken that away. I told Rachael the same thing about her brother....I don't have enough love in my heart to overcome what happened. I'm not angry at you anymore, because I know that we're all just doing the best we can. I can't forget though, can't forget you sitting naked on the bed demanding more than my ****. You cried out for more than I could give.

I'm coming back from the hole I put myself in I suppose. You were the last ***** in outdated armour I've tossed away. The last of many things. For quite a few months I fought hard to be normal, like all the rest, but thanks to you I can finally accept that I never will be anything but a freak, anachronistic and feared. I have to look on a world that I don't like and don't want to be a part of now. Before I failed at loving you, I could accept that circumstances changed, but I remained essentially a good guy, misunderstood but whole. Now, I know better. The whole world changed without me understanding how or why.

I'm going away. Far, far away. It's the best I can do for myself and I think the best I can do for you. I'm sure there'll be a good man standing next to you in those pictures of you picking berries in white one day...one day soon. I'm looking forward to that day, the day I see images of you happy. With any luck, I'll be somewhere in nowhere.
Feb 2016 · 229
Untitled
Jon Shierling Feb 2016
A low roar in my ears, when I accept that I'm not the one to take away the marks left by a bad man.
Feb 2016 · 236
Untitled
Jon Shierling Feb 2016
I no longer imagine you next to me
when I lay down to sleep.
Feb 2016 · 310
La Romantica
Jon Shierling Feb 2016
That day near Mazatlan you suddenly turned to me
and declared,"You were a romantic once, when I loved you."
Feb 2016 · 305
Non-Color
Jon Shierling Feb 2016
Try to tear the words from my lungs,
I have nothing to say.
Claw the flesh from my ribs
and find my chest empty.
Eyes the non color of rain drops
that give you nothing to grasp.
Come to me seeking nourishment
salvation from a ghost is not forthcoming.
I hate you for the helplessness you foster
the mute hunger of the drowning woman.
Go from me and forget my name
I have nothing else for you.
Feb 2016 · 341
Waters of Babylon
Jon Shierling Feb 2016
I filled my veins with forgetfulness
to escape the knives in your eyes
and the thunder of the drums in my ears;
Empty me out
as water into a sieve
and leave me here for the jackals.
Jan 2016 · 806
Time
Jon Shierling Jan 2016
Ozymandias was a conqueror, a man that lay low kingdoms,
and yet is now a pillar of dust.

This, dust beneath us, is all that shall remain.

Love is all that we have of ourselves,
the only thing worth giving,
   or taking,
which stands the test of time.
Sep 2015 · 352
After You
Jon Shierling Sep 2015
I don't know if I'll ever be happier
than when you fell asleep in my arms.

I don't know if I'll ever be more lost
than when I wake without you.

I don't know if I did wrong
to say so much and do so little.

I don't know if perhaps I wanted
more than was allowed.

I don't know if you told the truth
or if I merely lied to myself.

I don't know what this is now,
only that things are different now,
after you.
Sep 2015 · 356
If Only Words
Jon Shierling Sep 2015
If only words had the power to rip the lies from your mouth,
or pull my heart out of the purse you dropped at my feet;
one swift motion and a heave, liquid dinner all over
grass and empty beer cans.

The stars still shone as I tried to hold your hair back,
the Earth kept spinning around the Sun,
that last night I loved you, out behind the wal-mart.

But that was a long time ago baby, ancient history
to people like you and me.

Too little and too late for me to say I'm sorry
that keeping it casual just isn't in me.

When you told me you had a thing for ****** up people
I guess I already knew, or wanted to believe,
that I was too ****** up for you.

You don't know how good you were at making me
your Quasi Modo, but you said everything right,
just enough for doubt, just enough for the hook.
Jul 2015 · 471
The Quest
Jon Shierling Jul 2015
There are no ancient swords to aid in this,
nor prophets pointing the way,
no magic rings to find in dark caves,
nor a sleeping host awaiting the call.

Under the mists of time,
the faces worn in the light,
and the fears in the night,
still we stand and fight.

There are no keys to hidden doors,
nor waystations upon the road,
no mountains which to climb,
nor holy refuge to stumble upon.

Under the mists of time,
the faces worn in the light,
and the fears in the night,
still we stand and fight.

There is no face to the dark,
nor name to cry out to within it,
no blessing that I can give you,
nor any promise I can make.

Under the mists of time,
the faces worn in the light,
and the fears in the night,
still we stand and fight.

break for riff

Under the mists of time,
the faces worn in the light,
and the fears in the night,
still we stand and fight.

How can I be what you need?
How can I fight the past without weapons?
How can I hold you in the dark and make it go away?

There is no quest to be had,
save the one that takes me to you,
no battle worth fighting,
except to fight for you.

So much said and done,
so much unsaid and undone,
lost here now, lost within and without.

Under the mists of time,
the faces worn in the light,
and the fears in the night,
still we stand and fight.
First song I've tried to write.
Jul 2015 · 377
Drive
Jon Shierling Jul 2015
When the music stops,
It's time for me to get up
And walk on out.

And when the sun sets
Over this beach we live on,
I've always got to go on.

For five years, it was OK
Being alone, being needed
But not doing the needing.

Guess it doesn't really matter,
Since I sure can write like
It does, but writing is just words.

These days though, after the last
Year spent belonging somewhere,
Being part of a crew and a crowd....

Someone throws on the Stones,
In walks the ghost of where I know
I'm headed no matter what I do.

Yeah, here I am now, exactly who I
Thought I wanted to be, living my
Own rules, beholden to no one.

And ya know what, it's made a great
****** story, something I always wanted to read, the kind of story your's is too.

Sure hasn't been as much fun
Living it as I thought it might be,
Finding you in your driveway,
And I was too drunk to be who
You honestly needed me to be.
Jul 2015 · 309
Guts
Jon Shierling Jul 2015
Eventually I'll get my **** together.
I won't be able to do it at the rate
you may want, and for that I'm sorry.

To be honest I'm just as sick of this scene as you are, maybe more.

It has a certain appeal though, a certain flavour, a cut loose and not give two flying ***** about anything taste...
Jul 2015 · 553
Twenty Minutes
Jon Shierling Jul 2015
It's twenty minutes to Midnight,
almost time for me to hate myself again.
Twenty minutes, and the clock is ticking
till I'll be hunted by you again.

Already I can smell you creeping,
taste you slithering up and out
of the past like some broken nightmare.

Some nights you've got the upper hand,
and others I can hold my own ground,
but neither of us can seem to outright
vanquish the hope in the other.

Were it fated for you and I,
to battle on for all eternity,
it just may be that I could jive,
nay, savy and roll with that.

But you, you've been putting your hooks
into my love's and my dear ones,
you've been putting your ****
in holes that don't belong to you.

Haunting hearts in need of repairs,
forcing your crooked smile
and your fingers made of knives
into places bleeding enough without you.

Come then, if monster enough ye may be,
to face me fully and let us end this
macabre dance in the old way,
have at me, and leave her to the
quiet love of the light of day.
Jul 2015 · 408
The Joke I Never Got
Jon Shierling Jul 2015
Go ahead then baby,
**** that guy good,
**** him like you wanted
me to *******.

Sorry I couldn't just
be your weekend man,
sorry I'm more interested
in your heart and soul
than I am your ******.

It's the same old story I guess,
playing the role I was given,
doing what I do best,
from a serious distance.

All or nothing is a bad game to play,
and I'm still playing it though,
but this time it's with you.

This is in fact a story, one worth
telling or writing or living,
but it hurts, it hurts to the point
of me wishing it weren't true.
Jul 2015 · 396
Alone in the House of Roses
Jon Shierling Jul 2015
Lost again down those empty hallways,
music in my head and your heart in my mouth,
footfalls echoing from the otherwise silent walls.

To turn about, grasping at shadows just out of reach
knowing that they have something yet to teach,
but of what and for whom they will not speak.

Brought down by hands and hearts and eyes,
hands to break, hearts to bind, and eyes to lie.

In what language do you want me to say it?
Or would hating you be more appropriate,
more in line with your appetite?

And who is that over there,
just beyond your shoulder half shown,
bearing a cowl and a mirror?

We cannot go back and we cannot get out
and who is it that shall carry whom
through the horrors of this night?

I will stay here with you though
and carry the lamp forward
as you try and ****** your own minotaur.
Jun 2015 · 292
Knowing
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
If I had any lingering doubts about
my feelings for you, they died tonight.
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
It's probably a not so healthy thing,
me not able to say what I want to,
when you and your heart mean more
to me than my own.

My life is in transit, in limbo as always,
and yet here I am, as walls crumble
about me, the walls I've built so tall,
falling at last to you.

It's time I admit how much I love you, how many nights I've spent
drinking myself into oblivion just
wishing for a single question.

Maybe, I should ask that question,
but I'm not sure, can't know what you want unless you tell me.

I'm trying, so hard, with everything
I am, but you're so enigmatic that
I don't ever know what to say.

Congratulations by the way, you've
achieved something no one else
has been able to do...
you are hurting me dear.
Jun 2015 · 493
Hemlock's Lament
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
My absolute worst fear,
worse than being empty,
worse than insanity,
far worse than dying
broken and alone....
is that you may one day
love me, and if I gave you
what remains of my heart
and ruptured soul on that
day, it would break you.

You've never asked what my
name means, probably because
yours is so obvious that I
haven't had to ask what
yours does, or where it comes from.

You are a Fox, English in origin
linguisticly, with a very illustrious
line, stretching back to the days
before the Norman conquest.

My name, from the Low German,
is Hemlock, and that is exactly
what I am. A beautiful tree in my
opinion, but poisonous to all.

They gave of me to Socrates
as a death sentence, and on
the deeply flawed romantic
in me, the sweet irony isn't lost.

Thus we come to the truth of
my fears, deep fears, deeper by
far than the usual ones that
accompany thoughts of you.

You, in your ignorance are
intrigued by me, as you said.
Should you eat of my heart,
and be poisoned, body and
soul, the last parts of me that
believe in all that you are,
would die with you.
Jun 2015 · 401
Midsummer
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
I sincerely hope that you aren't reading the things
I've been writing about you, praying that the
one poem of mine you read about someone else
is the only time you've come here looking.

Because this, this is my soul ripped open and
weeping before God and everybody,
and the things I say here about you
would be better heard spoken to you aloud.

I don't want to fall in love with you, can't come
so far wrapped up in my own past and find
you waiting at the end of it, wanting to explore
secret paths in the woods and build castles in the sand.

I'm not the kind of person that believes in happily
ever after anymore, gave up on an inclusive life,
gave up on bliss, and yet here you are dancing
across my mind, the memory of us together that night.

I'm not there yet, not quite in love with you, not to
the point of me taking sustenance just from your smile,
but I'm quickly on my way I'm sure, otherwise I
wouldn't be so concerned with how many times I use
the I word instead of the You word when we talk.
Jun 2015 · 396
Escape From My Own Mind
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
Excellence indeed,
mind shorn of the heart
and it's incessant nagging.
You didn't ask why I drink
but I'll tell you anyway
because I want to.
Keep in mind though,
I'll never make the mistake
of asking why you drink.
Don't think me selfish
or magnificently uninterested,
it's just that I think I already know.
Maybe it's different for you,
presumptuous of me to assume.
Truthfully I'm not happy
with the ***** itself,
but it's the only thing
that takes me outside of myself,
the only thing that turns
off the terrible inner dialog.
Jesus Christ, all I need is one question, one sentence from you.
"What makes you think it meant nothing?"
Jun 2015 · 320
Ta'lab
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
Let me tell you a secret that I've never told anyone before. Here is the key to deciphering my own personal Rosetta Stone.

I can only ever write about things that have the most potential to hurt me by doing so from hindsight, or placing the events into another time and place, speaking from outside of myself.

So it is that I write of you now, as the wind whispers through dunes in this lonely, though not empty place. I am writing from the deepest recesses of my heart, where it is always twilight in a desert. Looking back now, I can see what seems like irony in the way the evening progressed. You needed an uplifting spirit you said, and I came following. I spent all night trying to pull you out of a sadness that I know well, and knew that it was a futile gesture. Since then I've been trying my best to forget how it felt to dance with you in a living room, for once in my life, completely unabashed. We were both drunk by then, and of course, both emotionally compromised. I shouldn't have been surprised how easily it was that our lips found each other, but I was. After hoping to the point of giving up hope, I walked into a mirage and found you there. It doesn't really bother me as much as I thought it would, believing that the night meant nothing to you. Even so, holding you for just that short time, means everything to me. I can still taste you, smell you, feel your body in my hands, and remember exactly the shade of your gray-green eyes. The irony perhaps is that I came to you that night to try and provide comfort, and somehow, it's you who pulled me up and out of the dark. Though we have no future, I'll carry that night with me forever, and when I'm alone with myself, as I am now, those memories you gave me will be enough.
Jun 2015 · 401
Tears
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
Dearheart, where have you gone?
Where is the girl who rode the bus with me all those years ago?

Tears don't stain a screen the way they do paper,
but even If I wrote this with a pen I'd have nowhere to send it.

I'm doing everything I can to forget you honey, but I know that I'll never be able to. How could I, when you own so much of my heart?

You've left pieces of yourself behind;
strands of hair, a pair of shorts, a shirt, your smell upon my pillow.

Tell me now, memory of my love, how now shall I continue without regret at what ought to have been?

How may I lay next to another,
and not think of you in your need?
To the more prosaic, how can I taste another woman without wondering what other fire may consume her after all the terrible things you've taught me about needs?

You have died to me, and I mourn your passing. And a part of me...perhaps the best part, died with you.
Jun 2015 · 799
Night Work
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
I don't think that I have the power
to relate what I know of you
through the prism of a narrative.
I tried to tell your story yesterday
in my carefully constructed
grammatically correct way.
Failing miserably at a proper
biography, as you deserve,
I must recount what I know
in the only way I can.

Within my heart live a series of images,
memories burned into me
by the intensity of our meetings
and the ferocity of the late night
phone calls born of that chemical
with no name, equal parts sorrow and flame.

It was easy to find you,
but God it was hard to leave.
From the first kiss to the last
and everything in between.

I don't know how many times
you called me crying so hard
that you couldn't even speak.
How many times you told me
that you wanted to die without
even a second thought for what
those words did to my heart.
I accepted it all though,
every single strand of you,
gave you all the love I knew how.

There is no word for the sorrow
that comes with knowing that
I couldn't save you from yourself.
It didn't matter how many razors
I took from your trembling hands,
how much blood I wiped from your thigh
or how many tears I shed for you.

At the end, that last night and morning
just a week ago now,
you looked right through me
with eyes that didn't see.
I took you in my arms and there was nothing.
The girl I knew and loved doesn't exist anymore.

I'm sorry that you had to die in my heart,
but know that I loved you enough
for it to be killing me inside.
I guess that the boy in me is gone now,
since I walked away anyway.
I didn't cry, I don't regret it.
You're just one more ghost after all.
Jun 2015 · 580
Betrayal
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
How to explain what it feels like,
when your soul is crumbling within,
to watch your possible futures meet eachother during the same night, and know that in order to survive,
you must leave one behind.
May 2015 · 343
The Fall of Rome
Jon Shierling May 2015
Here I am
waiting for the whiskey
to stop being coy
and finally kick in.
Rome is burning outside
but the flames haven't
crept near yet.
Front row seats
to the end of an era
that I'll soon have to pay for.
I can already smell the smoke
and see the angry glow
against the weeping sky.
But I have some time yet
before the air gets hot
and the streets become
screaming rivers of humanity.
Bearing witness now
to the weeping heart
and fate's feckless whim.
Outside, Rome is burning
as the tide of time reaches
out to find the high water mark.
All for a dream
a half formed and
half thought impulse,
the urge to conquer
not a woman or a nation
but the whispers of the psyche.
Soon now the fat lady
will sing her rusted heart out
and I'll see the last great age
fall to the caprices of a power
that I will never comprehend.
Rome is on fire
and in that destruction
might something else
be born?
The histories of nations
the folly of man
the lives of the great
replayed again within
the lives of those
whom I love.
The center is indeed crumbling
and we of the flesh,
we cannot hold.
Jon Shierling May 2015
I guess it's a hard thing to break down and accept, this understanding that one has burned that white picket fence and one story ranch home down. This septic knowledge that the woman who loved you is now, at this very moment probably snorting another line of fantastic yay. I'd like to think that I did well by her in the years since we first met. But I know I'd be wrong. The truth is, I'm too much of a broken child to understand love when it snaps it's fingers in front of my face. She trusted me, needed me, and I ran as far and hard as I could to get away from what we meant to eachother. I thought I was brave and strong, but I was just a coward in the end. I know, deep inside
May 2015 · 324
Carry This For Yourself
Jon Shierling May 2015
These being the words of a tired poet
desperately fighting to rekindle a dying flame.
This being the end of an era spent chasing shadows
and loving weeping ghosts.

Take this heart within your hands
before the body that belongs to it fades.
Do it now, go on and take it while
the light still breathes in this place.

My time here is ended, if I ever really
was of here to begin with, perhaps more of
a wanderer than I realized in those blue sky
days when our love had a body and a soul.

But you, your time is now and it is a perilous one,
in this world slipping away, turning inward.
So carry this heart with you into the night,
talisman of the old world, last of the fading light.
May 2015 · 350
The Door
Jon Shierling May 2015
Here it comes again,
that feeling known so well,
when your heart hurts
and things start to stretch.

The machine you're trying to type
on is starting to fail,
the words you're trying to speak
are sounding cheap and ill used.

There is something you know,
deep down inside,
some seriously heavy hitting truth
trying to claw it's way out of you,
a drop of strange, a hint of deja vu.

Pulling back from the lies you've told
to yourself, afraid to see what is...
and what ought to have been.

I'm afraid to go through that door,
shedding the faces and skins I've worn
for so long, but I know that I have to
open it and walk through standing tall.
May 2015 · 436
Shuffle
Jon Shierling May 2015
Shuffle up and get down low,
the calender says it's a different day
and a different year,
but it only ever feels like it
during the day.

Sitting here tonight, I'm typing
into a different phone,
drinking at a different bar,
but somehow it's essentially the
same night that I've been living
for ten years...maybe more.

The same words, the same feeling
of a knife in the heart, the same
Irish jigs playing through busted speakers, and what I think I'll find somewhere in the haze still eluding.

All flowing back into a night so often repeated in so many places...Virginia, Washington, Arizona, Florida, even the night in Nogales I never mention.

It all comes back to girls with razors in their purses, the boys who put them there, and the unseen hand that has pushed them all.
Apr 2015 · 679
Lies
Jon Shierling Apr 2015
How many nights might have been different,
so many empty words bled onto pages needlessly?

You lied to me, both of you.
You two hated each other after you loved,
Mother and Father, and each
in your own way crippled me.

You two taught me to believe in a world that doesn't,
and never will exist, a twisted version of reality;
you pushed the world you wished,
instead of the one I know you lived.

Woman upon a pedestal,
and man with pride above her want,
both simple and wishful trash
that has caused me untold pain.

I am alone now because of the
decisions I have made, my own
beliefs dictating what I thought
was right, good, and just.

I can't drink anything without guilt,
I can't let a woman that's not as drunk
as me kiss me without feeling like a predator,
I can't **** without feeling like I have
violated her free will.

I can't touch someone without
wondering what they may want from me
in return for their affection.

What I can do however, is rebel.

I can say no.
I can make a choice to cast aside these shackles,
as I should have and tried to do
long ago.

I will give all I can,
and I will not be afraid to receive.
Jon Shierling Apr 2015
I didn't intend to wind up here tonight, typing a sick excuse for a poem into my phone from a dive.

But that crazy South African really put the hook in me, apealing to my vanity and persona, as if an alcoholic ex-soldier could own such.

In the background of my thoughts go pieces of other poems, pieces of memories, tired revelations cried out into the darkness.

So sick of people asking me why I'm sad, and them forgetting what my answer is five minutes later, when that new girl or new guy walks by.

I have more to say, but I know that no matter what I spit onto page will make no difference in the long run.

So bartender, I need another shot.
Apr 2015 · 1.3k
Athene
Jon Shierling Apr 2015
It ends here, now.
This compromised soul,
this tired acceptance of a dead hope;
too much time wasted in longing
for something that brings forgetfulness.

Somehow, I love you.
And everything you still stand for.

I don't know how many disguised lines
were puked up by me in dark alleys,
or scribbled in a ***** notebook
alongside tradecraft and parameters.

So many years and I'm still bound by something,
some smiling morality whispering
seductively of what might have been,
if only I had thrown loyalty and that
outdated wraith called honour aside.

I understand that I'll never see you again,
will never have the chance to rectify
the wrong I did to your heart and soul
in the name of something that doesn't exist.

Never did I understand why Everett tried
so hard to put you on display; but looking back
now I get why you wanted Krum so bad,
and why you tried to trust me.

Regardless of what may have passed,
I still want to thank you.

Thank you for giving me a place to sleep,
and a friend when I had no one.
Apr 2015 · 375
Flagler Beach Blues
Jon Shierling Apr 2015
Sweet, kind and thoughtful.
Those are the words you used to describe me that day,
the day I almost told you too much,
the day I almost broke my own rules again.
I may be those things, but you can tell,
somehow, sense somewhere,
that it's a barely maintained show
I put on for you, and all the rest.

You know, and I know, that I don't belong
in your bed, or in your heart.
Ask the ones who've come before what it's like
to wake up in the middle of the night
and find me sleeping on the floor,
or to have me claw my way out of a heart.

Brought down by hands and hearts and eyes,
hands to break, hearts to bind, and eyes to lie.

You know, and I know, that I don't belong
in your hands, or even on your street.
With my body in your hands I still
won't unfold from my ol' time contortion,
waiting for the dream to end and the bomb to drop.
And you'll spend nights wondering at four in the morning,
while I'm wandering down your empty road with my soul on fire.

I'd love you with all I am, in my fashion,
the way that keeps half of me always away from you.
There are doors that I'll never open for you,
secrets you'll never tear out of my throat,
rooms in my heart walled up and left for those
long after to come and break into.

It's alright though, since you're movin along,
and I'll be movin on too soon, but I guess it's good,
good that we met each other since you've exorcised
one of my ghosts, and I hope that maybe I've helped
in giving you a little bit of hope for all that's left out there.
Apr 2015 · 505
Ride Free
Jon Shierling Apr 2015
Hop that train and ride,
please go forth,
go further and live that life,
that life that I wanted and yet shied from.

Dodge that Bull,
swing yourself and your puppy
up and into that boxcar,
living the life
we hypocrites yearn for.

Ride free,
ride hard,
live on your terms
and tell the rest of us
what that freedom is worth.

It was a good day for me today,
till Ryan told me he was going to rehab,
and you posted a pic of a jump....

I don't think that where we live
knows what love is anymore.

We're too wrapped up in norms and opinions,
too focused on crap that means absolutely nothing.

The fact that you opted out,
you said "No, I will not live as a number",
has proved something to me tonight.

You proved to me that it's not an
all or nothing gamble, that one doesn't have
to pay in autonomy in order to be happy.

All that I am goes with you....
and maybe one day
I'll be riding with my own caravan.
Mar 2015 · 697
Valleys and Mountains
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
How does one climb up a mountain,
that great peak of the lover's self-doubt?

After wandering elsewhere for so long,
am I now found?

How can one convince a lover of her beauty,
nay, of her value?

I, Tiresias, though blind, could answer,
yet one must find thine own, dear worm.

Shall I tell you of that dark valley I love,
the rivulets of touch that reach down in to abandon?

When I speak of her body, she laughs;
when I speak of her heart, she tells me to shut up.

Yet, when she laughs I am overcome,
and those long nights spent speaking...cementing a meaning.

I am one apart, a man not comfortable in
full regalia, finding vulgarity resentful.
(Especially since I think myself ******)

Her resentment of her own body,
how shall I convince her otherwise?

She works with children,
yes children full of the need to be heard,
yet felled by genetics and denied
the right and ability to speak.

The connection between beautiful soul,
and wondrous mind,
and body of salvation.

Longing, longing, to be whom she needs.

And yet I know that I never will be a man
with a history or a story; that arrow through family
which she clings to.

All that I am is held in these insignificant flames,
a soul meeting another
and flowering.
Mar 2015 · 560
Hands
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
Why don't you want me
to do something with
my hands,
these hands that can do better
than my cheap words?

I've never tried to pawn myself
off as the person you need in your life,
even though that's the want you
throw me when you eye me during
the obviously empty workday.

You ought to know though,
I really am not what you need,
not what you want,
not the man that can make things
the way you wish them to be.

In reality I'm just a sorry drunk
trying to wish my life back together,
and it's your misfortune
that I happened upon you
when you were fleeing wolves.
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm going out on a limb and guessing that you've always been the one to be there for people when they needed you. But, it's really, really hard, to let anybody be there for you. I'm not talking about needing money or anything either. But just talking, and having somebody listen. You told me that's what you wanted, that's what you needed, and yet every time you get a bit too close to the heart of it, you stop speaking. You need somebody to talk to, and I need somebody to listen to. You don't have to trust me, just know that I understand how incredibly hard it is for people who usually do the listening, to be listened to."
Mar 2015 · 450
From Nothing
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
Ex Nihil
Warning!
This site contains explicit pictures
of someone you know.

So is this it,
the Magic Theatre
supposedly advertised
for Madmen only?

Explicit indeed,
bad dreams and sensual whispers,
perhaps just a breaking;
a dissolving of one self.

Where you go,
I dare not follow,
for I am not of those people
and moreover
they know it.

Where I go,
you don't want to follow,
for reasons I don't understand
and which you
won't explain.

You want the city,
the newness and the lights,
adventure being a new bar
every night?

I want the forest,
the oldness and the twilight,
adventure being a new song
every night.

Halloween night
this last year;
I saw a relative of yours
run alone down the middle
of your street;
Red Fox in the City.

Smoking on your balcony,
with a bear of a man
we yelled inside that your
family was at hand.

I sat on your couch
and talked with you,
watched you watch others,
and I can't remember
anything you said.

I do remember,
when you took me to your room
in search of cards
because I needed to be
doing something with my hands.

You pulled boxes from
your closet and I met your cat,
(I hoped he liked me; he was pretty cool,
didn't enjoy the noise of a party,
same as me in that regard)
we didn't find cards
but we did find a vase of flowers.

You laughed when I asked
who gave them to you,
as if you buying them for yourself
wasn't something I
should be sad about.

Perhaps that's why
I bought you carnations
when your Grandmother died.

I can't help but feel
that I didn't meet you by accident,
but knowing that we will
never love each other
merely adds to my confusion.

There's a low roar in my ears
as I sit here now,
knowing that I care about you
for purely selfish reasons;
as if by being good to you
I could erase selfishness and
ignorance from my past.

In a final note
of outright anguish,
I wish that I in my childishness,
had the courage to show you
the things I have written
for you...my friend.
Mar 2015 · 445
Eras
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
"You can afford to be a romantic because you're self-sufficient." I wish that had been told to me years ago, before I turned in on myself. Slowly I'm coming back, having reduced myself almost to nothing. Hollowed out and worn, looking straight through people when they talk to me.
I don't have a narrative for what brought me here. Just images, silent pictures, exaggerated expressions. I was somewhere else, and now I'm here, with no bridge between. I was someone else, and now I'm this other person and I don't recognize either of them. Living a life that has no anchor to it, nothing to wrap my soul around.
I bought new tennis shoes today, laced them up and ran. I haven't done that in years, but my body remembered, fell back in to the smooth rhythm that used to eat up miles almost effortlessly. Only a couple for me today, and my cartilage bereft knees hating me, but it was worth it.
Friday I walked through a forest in the rain again. Smelled it, tasted it, was moved by it. An old friend not spoken with for many years. An old magic I thought I had lost forever.
I am being brought back to life by something I don't understand, like I'm being willed into an existence by some force I don't have a name for. My hands itch. And I know this feeling, this wanting. A desire to create things, to plant trees, raise up fountains, give joy. As if by some transient alchemical process I could refute cruelty, transmute pain into happiness, heal broken hearts. I know I can do none of these things though, have tried before and failed, many times. Maybe whoever it is that brought me here can.
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
I am here now,
empty handed and barefoot,
but somehow
able to see things again.

By some miracle
perhaps ,
my desire was tempered
by the Friend's whispering,
so that I may be a better friend
to you.
Feb 2015 · 900
Farewell to Grey-Eyes
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
That's my private name for her...Grey Eyes. And they are very, very grey, a lake shrouded in mist. A strange thing, to be in love with a feeling. To be enamored of arrivals, departures, mitigations. Odd also, when someone leads you to an understanding of yourself...or at least, a part of yourself. It is satisfying for me to let futures go. In some strange way, it's fulfilling and sad, for someone to reach out a hand to me across the dark waters. To see a possibility, very much yearned for, and to deprive myself of it. I was given an offer today that I had thought about often, daydreamed and hungered for. Ultimately I declined, my reasons being vague at the time, though my explanation was valid (somewhat). "I get uncomfortable when I can't pack up everything and leave in a day, and I wouldn't want to do that to you". I didn't think about whether I may have hurt her by saying that, though it wouldn't have changed my answer. Something deep inside whispered of danger and confinement should I have taken that road, great sorrows unimagined. Somehow it was deeply moving to be able to stare down my childish craving, and turn away, to be able to recognize that this path was not for me. People like me, people with a history but no story, don't move in with a woman that they have feelings for and end up happy. I've walked that way before, though the stakes were much lower and I much younger. One more test passed. I never wanted to admit this about myself, but now I suppose I can accept it without shame, without anger or judgement. I sometimes enjoy killing my dreams. Rather, killing things about myself that have no purpose but to cause distraction and delay, ideas and hopes that lead sideways rather than forward. Of all the skills taught to me by my Father, this has been the most valuable.
Feb 2015 · 458
Poets Without Borders
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
By no means am I trying to pawn this off as an idea of my own. But I haven't run into a literary version of Doctors Without Borders yet (if there is one, please tell me so I can join). Seems like a good concept to me though, probably one that could be put into practice relatively quickly too with a little support. After all, no matter the nature of the substance or what it's origins are, Medicine can't deny that there is more to humanity than just the body, more to health than just the absence of disease. If we can pull together to combat illiteracy and contagions in all corners of the globe, shouldn't self expression come along on the heels of that? We here on this site, mostly, come from the "developed" Western world. But I've also heard rumors and seen a few trails leading off into the non-English speaking corners of the web with the same basic beliefs as our own. I've got no clue if this is a viable idea or not right now, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please let me know what you think and toss around ideas, maybe float it on facebook or something, let's get a dialogue going hopefully. There are so many voices in this world, so much that could be said, so much that could be written, so much that could enrich all of our lives. It just seems to me that there ought to be something humanity could do to facilitate that sharing.
Feb 2015 · 375
A Deghan's Questions
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
My Love, where have you gone? Where is the jewel that shone so brightly in your heart when we were young? I was away from you for years, campaigning across mountains and deserts, called by duty to my sardharan. Though never did I forsake you, nor our love. And now at last that I have come back, laden with the riches of far lands and strange peoples, enough to provide our family for ten lifetimes, you have grown cold. What happened in those years? Why won't you embrace me the way you once did, with such passion? It was that fire that drove me through war and death and sickness, those memories of our life before. Why does my own daughter fear me now? The day I returned you wept and she ran into the house as if from a ghost. When I embrace her now she cringes, as if expecting a whip. Our own Fatima, why should she be so afraid? I chased butterflies with her when she was but able to walk. Why should she now stiffen when I touch her? And where is your family? Mine were long dead when we were wed but yours loved and cherished our union, always some cousin or aunt was around to talk or invite us to dinner with them. Why won't you speak to me? I was nobody when I left for the war, but now I am returned, a deghan in the service of our lord, one of his trusted bodyguards, the commander of a hundred lancers and yet, my stallion Hafez was hamstrung in our field last night! They left him in misery for me to find this morning. My Love, what has happened to our home?
Feb 2015 · 500
Transmission
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
From: ex PFC Shierling, J. 16 CAB S-2 Analyst
To: Screwtape, Undersecretary, Hell CENTCOM
Date: 2015/02/14
Subject: Poor Methodology

My Dear Screwtape,

I must congratulate you on the position you've managed to hold intact for so many years. A fantastic strategic gamble to allow your correspondence with your nephew Wormword to have become published. The Patient's individual soul may have been taken in by your Enemy Himself, but the allowance of C.S. Lewis to come by those letters and publish them served you very well in it's purpose I suppose. Those souls already lost to your Enemy were confirmed, but those teetering on the edge of belief and hope in Him were turned away by such a blatant portrayal of human fallacies. Truly, your gamble may have been worth it...time will yet tell. But Screwtape, or whichever of his underlings has been assigned to break me, my own life is all I am responsible for. It's a great weapon you devised, this idea that individual humans are responsible for the actions of our entire race, that one of us is guilty of all. Yes indeed, self hate is the quickest way to your master's chains. Honestly though, your CENTCOM failed in the directives and the propaganda they fed you. Though you and your underlings may have experienced the War in Heaven, and that terrible retreat to the outer realm, I can say with absolute certainty that you were deceived in the beginning. I am imperfect, and everyday that I live I know this, and I also know that I will never be able to know the things that your Great Enemy knows, but I accept this. Nothing that you and your kind can do to me shall prevent me from looking to the stars, no pain could your broken spirits do unto me to take my hope in my Father, who is also called Love. And yet, weren't you punished by your own Chain-of-Command? Were you not tortured by those you gave loyalty to for giving Wormwood your nephew advise about your Enemy. Perhaps I, being human, have no right to cast judgement upon those who have walked about my people. All I have left to write tonight; should you grow tired of the horrors you and your kin live every day...ask of me, and we shall welcome you among those yet seeking.
Feb 2015 · 858
Old Erotica
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
A fire beneath flesh this night,
in the half-sleep you wander through.
Drums from your dreams still
beating, throbbing in those veins.
A strange experience indeed,
to open eyes with your hand
between very wet legs.
Ah but the vision that had
born this surprise had very
primal beginnings.
Hands barely able to touch,
eyes that daren't linger on *******,
a ***** almost afraid to rise.
The very act of unclothing
become a ritual, a rite of passage.
Tentative fingertips in soft places,
a brush of lips against bare flesh.
Somewhere there is a guitar,
strumming soft sounds.
Needing something solid,
something tangible,
you reach out.
To be filled up,
to be consumed by something,
to be taken in a ring of burning.
Your whole body feverish,
sounds escaping your mouth,
movement never felt before.
This....can be more
than just a dream.
Feb 2015 · 469
Wanting Real Answers
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
It is very strange to be a man, schooled in the acts of love by the writings of Anais Nin and Pablo Neruda, living in this place. So absurd to be told by women expecting savageness that he is gentle, that he is kind, that he is something other than what they have known before and yet...this very tenderness is what drives them away in the morning. I am not an idiot, I know what a seeming contradiction this is. Perhaps I have some failing I'm not aware of, perhaps my guess at what the women I make love to really want is a complete falsehood. I suppose that is probably correct, considering my experience and what I'm told men should do to women. "Yes, a good, swift and utterly meaningless **** in a bathroom or a car, just give it to them ***** like an almost ****, that's what the girls want...your **** and nothing else."
Yet the women I've spoken to purely platonically want and need the exact opposite, but seem to have given up on anything beyond it. I'm at a loss, completely befuddled by what I feel in my heart, and what I've experienced.

What sick process turned a man's tenderness into closet homosexuality?
What terrible ******* turned a woman's need for warmth and love into a weakness?
Feb 2015 · 541
Charade
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
Shall I then have the audacity
to approach your magnificent figure?

Shall my bowed head incite contempt
as I expect from women such as you,
or would such old-world humility
touch your heart expecting brutality?

Yes, those men you count as a conquest,
those who don't spend time upon pleasure;
yours or their own doesn't matter,
the only need being your sense of owning
the man/boy, and his need to boast to his friends.

After the charade is pulled away though,
what then shall you have to say,
what then shall your conquests give to you?

What is left,
after the heart burns through?
Feb 2015 · 933
Further From Here
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
They found themselves in that part of the city by accident. Arguments and resentment can cause that sort of aimless wandering, but it's always strange when the two are too stubborn to pull away and wander as individuals. The smells and the sounds shook them out of their thoughts, nutmeg and incense, rhythm and laughter of an unfamiliar hue. In front of them was the source of the music and motion, dimly lit in a recess of the street, but with the unmistakable scent of life pouring out of it. Drawn forward, as if by some invisible force, they entered that bar we resident ex-pats call L'Serpent Rougue.

Cushions and carpets and hookah smoke, dim lamps and cinnamon and coffee, above all the beat of the drums. Drums of all shapes and sizes, Darbouka's most numerous, played by toothless old men and bare chested youths, pounding out sound that got into the blood and burned the heart. They had no words for it, this throbbing in the chest. Barely through the door and already they felt the urge to loosen clothes, remove shoes, partake of unknown sensations. They were seated in a corner towards the back by a middle-aged man who gave them that appraising look purveyors of delights save for those they recognize as novices. Hossam didn't ask their order, immediately brought strong Turkish coffee and a double hosed brass hookah. He also guessed, correctly, that both of them drank whiskey. They sat back in their cushions, closer than they had been for weeks, and drank of that place as they would have of a complex wine or the work of a master painter.

Faces gazed unclothed out of lamplight, shorn of the daytime business-as-usual mask, bidding the couple to do likewise and share in this freedom. This sheer, abject celebration of humanity was something they had never seen or truly comprehended, something more in the way of an abstract idea like physics or the Trinity. But to have it here, now, ****** upon them in such a place was such a shock that perhaps they may yet have shied from it and fled, but it was at that moment that the music changed to a new tempo. Hossam excused himself from the bar and, picking up the Oud propped in a corner, took his place among the musicians.

Simoom was said to be the most beautiful woman in the city, and to have seen her that night, anyone would have believed it. Eyes not quite midnight, but the kind of dark blue that comes just before the sun hints at it's rise. Skin that rich olive color which moves all people deep inside, reminding them in a round about way of the days when the abundant harvest was a reason for rejoicing. The very ideal of grace as she took her own sacred place within the circle of the drummers.

Hossam began a melody, so worn with time and use that one could see the years fall from his body, could see through time to the passion that had always driven his music. And the drummers, young and old alike, followed slowly, almost hesitantly in his wake, as if unsure that they should try and accompany the wellspring flowing from his fingertips. But Simoom, she knew this song, this timeless outflowing, and matched every undulation, every direction Hossam poured out of his instrument and his heart. He played like some Sufi dervish caught up in ecstasy, flames of music which she danced through as a Jinn of the Hejaz.

All of this, the two almost estranged lovers became a part of. In one of those mysterious and unquantifiable facets of human experience, their finite lives became something else. This warmth they had never known suddenly reached out its arms and embraced them. In the midst of that dark place they had found their love descending into, by some chance or will or what have you, they arrived at what some might call a...what's the term...oh yes, "Den of Iniquity". This is the miracle: the differences and petty quarrels, resentments hidden for months, the weight of mundane life, all of the pinpricks upon the heart that lovers unknowingly bestow upon each other fell away, just as the passion of the Oud shed years from Hossam.

They left L'Serpent Rougue with his arm around her waist and her hand in his back pocket, smiling and open to the world. The walk home was itself a new adventure. They danced arm in arm in the middle of the street to a homeless man who played the fiddle, sang the words to their favorite '90s songs as they climbed up the apartment stairs.

Who cares what the landlord says anyway?

She had one of those Chinese calligraphy sets, and she had practiced with it in the years since it was given to her. Practiced that art almost as if it was the only thing that truly belonged to her. As if her entire identity was composed of beliefs ****** upon her by some outside force save for this. Little did she know that this conviction about being an almost carbon copy of ideas not truly his own was a feeling also held by her lover.

That night at the bar and in the street, he saw something in her that he had never witnessed before. The moment when after they got home he took off his shirt and asked her to get the brush and ink was close to forcing him to recede back into a shell. The memories of a person he used to be, fallen far away. But then she smiled and pushed him back upon that rickety bed. She took that brush and ink, painted her soul onto his secret places, and he did the same in turn to her.
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