I whispered through the night
Wishing things would end
Because if they aren’t
I don’t know where I’m heading

I wrote a letter
To my family
Friends and unknown lover
That if i disappear
I swear on my life
I am not dead
Maybe I just couldn’t
Find my way home
As i have never been
To one

If happiness is free
Then why do we
Have to give up things
So others can feel complete

My father can fix anything
But not my depression

We all are fighting
Invisible war
We don’t know who’s winning
But we all see everyone losing

I’m sorry
If my worries
Control me
I’m sorry
If my depression
Wins over me
I’m sorry
If you think
I’m an adult
And smart
But I ain’t that
I’m just 26
And anxious

You will not get to know me
Based on my poetry
Because everything you've read
Isn't even half with what's in my head

In the past
You wished the sun never set
But now
Most days
You wish the sun would never rise

You live in places
You thought you belong
You feel hope and joy
Then one day
You don’t feel it anymore
You don’t belong anywhere

I wanted to die
Planned it for weeks
I have to do it
But on the night
Of my death
I got lazy
And sleepy
All because of work
I couldn’t bring myself
To get up and do it
So i fell asleep
And wrote this the next morning

We cry on bathroom floors
Win arguments on the mirror
But when we step outside
We cannot even speak out
But our inside voices
Are screaming for help

Maybe i should stop
Giving myself another year
I’ve been trying for three years
And thought i was getting better
I am getting worse
I could still hear death
There’s still no happiness
Perhaps I should end this
So I wouldn’t be stuck in this maze
I can’t win anyway

I still feel empty
One word and I’m back at it
I can’t cry anymore
I wanna scream at them
For not seeing through me
How many more years should I pretend
How many more years should i suffer
How many more years should i fake it
How many more years should i tell myself
Just one more year
Let’s end this here

I haven’t had a pen for so long
I’m trying to scribble
Words I cannot form
Feelings I cannot recognize
Faces I cannot remember
My mind is on a lockdown
Trust me I’m trying
I just can’t untangle the chain
That’s keeping me from
Making something
Out of nothing

how can the sunset be so beautiful
even when it means
the day is over
i hope i can be as beautiful as the sunset
when everything for me is over

I used to have fun talking to people
I enjoyed their stories
But suddenly
I felt distant
I’m not conversing anymore
I’m just merely answering queries
And i see this reflection standing beside me
Rolling her eyes
Saying
Come on, let’s get out of here
You’re not having fun anymore
Your anxiety is the one talking
And not your interest
When can I finally say
I am completely healed

They say I'm pretty
But the mirror says no
They say I have fair skin
But all I could see are bruises
Knives from my back
And bullet holes
They say people can only see
What they want to
And show what they only want to
Maybe it's true
They say I'm perfect
Because that's what I want them to see
Not the ugly and dark clouds
Inside me

I am angry all the time
God I am ******* angry
I think I’m going nuts
My head is going to explode
I get angry over small things
God I hate how I feel
I get anxious and sad
And then I’d get angry for feeling sad
I wish I could explain it to you
How I force myself to smile
How I fake my calm
I just want to be as pure as the sun

I’m just 3 years away
From being 3 decades old
Surprisingly, I feel at least nothing
For the first time since turning 18
Managed to keep my cheeks dry today
My head isn’t foggy
My heart doesn’t hurt
I’m far from being happy
But at least
I acknowledged turning
A year older
I don’t look forward to anything anymore
The sun rose today
And it will set
As it did yesterday
At the very least
I didn’t feel like a disappointment today
And somehow
People remembered me

The things we want the most
Are those that are too far from us
And the things we never wished for
Come to us freely
Without even a single warning

I searched for years
For a love that would love me back
But I never found it
I should stop looking for it
And mind my own business

Depression is rain pouring so hard
Lightning and thunderstorms
Big waves and sinking boat
All at once inside of you
It can be sunny sometimes
But you’re trapped in a room
with no door and windows
Walls are hospital gray
With words spray painted
Only you can see

Put on your rose colored glasses
The one that matches your skirt
As well as your blush
And your hair curled perfectly
See the world through it
And say
What life could’ve been
If we lived in a rose colored planet

Someday, these bullets
Are going to melt inside me
And become flowers
Someday, I'll bloom
And nobody would ever
Dare to touch me

This might not make sense
But I’m trying to tell a story
My story

Lately, I have been enjoying life
But in between my smiles
There’s this tiny voice
That reminds me of how sad i become
When i am alone
My thoughts eat me up

This still might not make sense
But as cliche as i sound
This is happening to me

What if i just disappeared
What if i just end all of these here
What if someone sees me lying on the floor
And my soul has already left me
What will people say

I am sad that this is how my life has turned out
I am sad that i keep getting sad
I am sad that even on my worst times
I still tend to seek for everyone’s approval

How far does this “i want this to end” go
How long do i have to ask myself
We’re going to make it right?

My bathroom mirror broke this morning
I wasn’t there when it fell
I just noticed the broken pieces when I opened the door

My broken mirror reminded me of all the bad things in my life
I stared at it
Contemplating on whether or not
I should do it
And i would get scared
Because everytime the thought crosses my mind
I would freeze
And i would get scared more
Because in this fraction of time
I cannot seem to control myself
What if i actually do it
I’ve imagined it a thousand times
I know i will regret it
When my soul is slowly crossing to the afterlife

Do i apologize
To everyone
I’ve hurt
For hurting me?

The flower will bloom
Wither and die
Without anyone noticing

How can you bring flowers
To someone’s grave
When you can’t even water
Your garden back home