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John Apr 2016
What if

We feel

So deeply

We can't

Possibly deem

Anyone, anything

Worthy of

Our Love?
John Oct 2015
You go
from
wanting to
puke
your guts up.
To
wanting to
live
forever.
John Feb 2012
Oh... Oh oh
What they said
What they said
What they said about you
What they said

I didn't believe it
Because I believe in a little thing
Called giving a chance
But you took my word
Went and smeared it, I just can't
Let it happen again
No, I can't stand the thought of it

But the saddest part of it
Is that you don't see the fault in your trangressions
I tried to talk and tried to sit
But nothing would put a stop to your passive aggressions
So I just went and left
I could'nt see us moving mountains
In my thoughts where you once crept
Now bears a black liquid spewing fountain

No, I don't harbor any bad feelings
I just feel like you don't know the meaning
You're so shallow when you're sinning
All you know is death, your life's been waning
Now it might sound insensitive
But when I walked away from you
I never felt better
No, no
No, I never felt more free
John Nov 2014
I see those pieces of you.
They fit me just fine.
So lets walk together.
Lets pop this bottle of wine.
But you're so you that you
put me straight to shame.

You are so young and so free
that I'm afraid I might not let you be.
You bring that feeling that I don't want to leave.
I get too excited when you say you want to be with me.

I just want what I want
and that's a selfish thing.
I know you've got yours
and that's why I'm singing.
Not because this is how it is
but because of what this could be.
John Jan 2013
It's what you say
It don't make sense
It's what you mean
Keep it present tense
It's what you don't know
It's what you believe

Looking up at you through
Cloudy eyes on a hazy day
It's forming something
That can be in the greatest way
Because when I touch you
I know you get goosebumps
Put your hands on me now
Let me know if you think you're stumped
I'm here to help
To be felt
Inside and out

You call me on the phone
I can hear the hesitation in your sound
I can pick up on it from a mile away
Baby, you're not the only one who's bound
To do something completely new
But if I've learned anything
It's that I'd rather have you
On a new plane
Heading to that plateau
I know it feels insane
But trust me to be the only one you know
For sure
John Oct 2014
All these years have passed me by.
You smiled at me as you cried.
It never struck me like it has now,
that I'd been searching for your love
for so long.

Looking high and low.
From the sky to the ground.
The affection that you showed
flew by my heart at high speed.
But now the time has come,
when things aren't so muddled.
Don't know where you came from
but now I realize.

Like the lookout on the tower,
I check my watch hour by hour.
Peering out over the bridges
and patching up my old stitches.
It's just now that I've found
what I thought could never be.
With both feet on solid ground,
now I've measured pound for pound.
What you've got for me
isn't just a love story.
John Oct 2010
I felt a tugging
So I looked back
To find you looking
Back at me

I'm sorry
But this can't be
I'm on my way
I'm traveling roads I've never dreamt of

You let go of my string
And left it hanging out of my chest
Blood slides down and drips to floor
My heart beats with nothing more
But curiosity and wonder

I take another step down the newly paved road
Look down to find my foot prints in the drying tar
The blood still drips
Leaving a trail in my wake
John May 2013
God damns you in the sweetest way
With those six inch heels
You're on so much fire
The smoke drifts through the steering wheel
Lit up like the strip
Where we go on nightly field trips
You know what's good for you but you don't care
You're a ******* wild one and I know it
You know how to get things done
And you keep the place jumped up and lit up
With those green, green eyes you light it up

You clearly got no worries
Nothing really gets to you
It's the way you grew up
If you had let it get to you
You would never have made it through

So I condone such mischief
Keep doing you like you do it
I ain't got no complaints
Just make sure you stand before you sit
Taking things too fast is never a good thing
All you know is fast life
Never back down from no fight now
You're just the realest
They're just the weakest
It's the way it goes
Nobody really knows
Where you came from
No, they never even ask
Where you come from
Been listening to a lot of new r&b; lately. So this is the type of stuff that comes out of it.
John Nov 2012
The pitter-patter of words
From the next room
As the rain comes down
Outside
From the rooftops you can see
For miles
Getting soaked is worth
The price
Of getting out

The gentle exchange
Escalates
Climbing the ladder
Of fear and confusion
Footsteps begin to take the reigns
Heading for the door
And that's when the initiative kicks in
Just as the doorknob's touched
The back door is flung open
And outsteps the man
You thought you knew

On the way
On his way
Out
To the place
Where your eyes
Where your ears
Are free
John Dec 2012
As I lay among the dead
Lounging in pools of red
My heart raggedly beats
Contemplating ultimate defeat
And vision becomes a tunnel

Then a white light
No fight
Just floating
Skipping, skimming, showboating
And the tunnel shows me what it is

What I am
John Feb 2012
Only been around for nineteen short years
But I've witnessed too many
Friends lives cut short by ****** garden shears
Little boys and girls
Who's legs have been severed at the knee
Been taken for a whirl
Around the block without eyes to see

The guilt I feel isn't natural
I just walk the Earth
I see dead people I once knew
Taken for the lone ride in the ******* hearse
Something isn't right
When the wrong path is taken for granted
Didn't know the meaning of the fight
Or the truth behind the disbanded

Beautifully departed
Like the angels with the glowing wings
The one's who fell to the dirt
Coughing and spitting up horrible things
No one seems to care
When you're on the inside looking out
It's just the one's I can't bear
Because I've always been the outsider looking in

What I'm trying to explain
Is that the words I'm speaking
Have fought pain and been stained
By the happenstances of this big blue mystery
Why is it that the kids who go usually know?
Drowned and pummeled with the incendiary
Devices that cause your mind to go up in flames
Up in flames, up in smoke and no one wants to take the blame
John Feb 2012
Only been around for nineteen short years
But I've witnessed too many
Friends lives cut short by ****** garden shears
Little boys and girls
Who's legs have been severed at the knee
Been taken for a whirl
Around the block without eyes to see

The guilt I feel isn't natural
I just walk the Earth
I see dead people I once knew
Taken for the lone ride in the ******* hearse
Something isn't right
When the wrong path is taken for granted
Didn't know the meaning of the fight
Or the truth behind the disbanded

Beautifully departed
Like the angels with the glowing wings
The one's who fell to the dirt
Coughing and spitting up horrible things
No one seems to care
When you're on the inside looking out
It's just the one's I can't bear
Because I've always been the outsider looking in

What I'm trying to explain
Is that the words I'm speaking
Have fought pain and been stained
By the happenstances of this big blue mystery
Why is it that the kids who go usually know?
Drowned and pummeled with the incendiary
Devices that cause your mind to go up in flames
Up in flames, up in smoke and no one wants to take the blame
John Dec 2012
They're children
They're just children!
He yelled at the camera
And they're forced into this
Living Hell with no way out!

He tried his best to raise
Whatever awareness could be aroused
It was wrong
These children
They were writhing
In their own
**** and ****
Curled up in little *****
Without an inch of clothing on them

When he came in
The orderlies avoided him
And his camera
They couldn't be held responsible
For the atrocities that were taking place
In the buildings where they secured the little income they had

The nurses shot ***** looks
There were few of them
Only about one was assigned to a room
Which housed around fifty children apiece
When he asked them
Can you spare a moment?
For the camera and the lives of these poor kids?*
They're eyebrows pointed down in a sharp line
And they quickly rushed away

He couldn't believe it
Children
Not older than ten years
Running about
Bare naked
Covered in the foulest of substances
Emanating smells you couldn't imagine
Yelling incoherently
And
Just as the orderlies and nurses did
Running in the opposite direction of the camera
And the reporter
That would expose the place they called "home"
For the snake pit it was
In the 1980s, Geraldo Rivera did an exposé on the Willowbrook State School in Staren Island, New York. This writing is based on the images they captured during their trip to the "snake pit".
John Dec 2013
Lay next to me stare into the abyss/
Hearing you breathing, a heart beat I did not miss/
Just relax babe while I set the record, play the hits/
      Drift away, lay away, they stay away, we have our fits/
                                                                ­ Tell me about your family, when was the last time you saw your little sis?/
You **** your shotgun skirt, lift your shirt and ******* to bits/
                                                          Puttin­g our clothes back on and you look at me, make it clear you're still a wicked witch/
John Feb 2013
I saw her light fading
Through veiled window shades
That unbelievable glow
Kills everything else the Earth made
I don't know where she came from
Heaven, Hell or in-between
All I know is that what she does
Is shock me, thrill me, rope me up and **** me

The genesis of such a creature
Is a mystery to me
Did she crawl out of a hole
And sprout like a flower?
Or was she always there
Will she always be as beautiful as she is now?
I know something like that
Is in the eye of the ******
But how could you refuse to admit
That this thing is special?
That it's not normal?
That you've never seen such witchcraft?
John Oct 2013
You put me down
You pick me up
You wear a crown
As I drink up
You walk on over
You say goodbye
I've blown my cover
Please don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye

You're in your car
You fiddle with your hair
You say you wanna hit the bar
As I just stare
Looking at you
And peering through
I'm looking through you
And now I know you
Now I know you better than before
And now I know you

With a sigh
I look away
Say goodbye
And I'm on my way
My eyes may be damp
But then soon they're dry
Never thought I'd date a *****
But no one can say I never tried
No, no, no one can say that
No one can even say I didn't try
Just been doing a lot of thinking and reminiscing and this is what came out.
John May 2014
The howls of wolves rang through the night
Warm air and regret hung o'er my brain
Never was a peacemaker, jus' lookin' for a fight
Always knew a silver lining traced the pain
But then I stumbled on a mangled animal
Breathing heavy, my body just stalled

But this wasn't your usual wild dead
The legs moved and it turned its head
I stepped back as it scrambled, bleeding
Never had such a dreaded feeling

Woke up at the bottom of Old Green Hill
Looked around to find nothing but confusion
Teeth marks riddled arms and then I felt ill
As I stumbled back to my cabin, I felt the protrusion
Of teeth, but no not on my arm this time
My mouth was suddenly the home to primal
                                                                                                          pearly whites
John May 2014
You're just a-walkin down the street
Just a-rovin down on and to the beat
So sweet, never knew a love I could bear
Nope I never seemed too easy to really scare
It's just when someone gets under this skin
And I'm so down deep on the hole, you can't win
So I just lay there as she applies the pins

So then I'm stuck there wonderin'
Moving around and just flounderin'
But it always just gets me nowhere
Standing tippy-tied on my on-edge hairs
Just wonderin' and flounderin'
No, it seems I can never win
Nope just doomed to this life of sin
But I think that I handle it well
Yeah as far as I can tell
I handle it pretty well
John Sep 2017
you were looking at me
with that glint in your eye
the glint that caused me to cry
so many times
before

you were saying things
that i couldn't make out
i looked up and looked down
at your broken crown
on the floor

i tried so hard to compose myself
but my knees kept buckling
under the weight of your suffering
i know you were dying
to tell me that

sometimes all i can think of
are the words i couldn't hear
that ring so loud in my ears
after what seems like years
you're so broken

all i know is i love you
and i'm here for whatever you need
for you, i would bleed
let you take the lead
i will follow you
John May 2013
So I start my shift  
At 10 AM
Hours upon hours
Of nonstop movement
And running down to the basement
Bringing up boxes
Of candy
And cups
And popcorn bags

Constant flows
Of people
Customers
"guests"
So we have to call them
"You don't call over the next CUSTOMER
To your register
You call over the next GUEST."
So says my manager
OK, *****
"Next guest, please,"
I utter with a smile

Can't wait to leave
It's around 5:30 PM now
A solid
7 1/2 hours
Through
My 8 hour
Shift
I'm helping my manager
Satisfy guests
Not customers
Filling bags
When they say popcorn
And filling cups
When they say soda
"I'll just have some nachos,"
A man says
His wife stands next to him
She smiles at me
I smile back
He looks at me then
"And John, too,"
He says
"John looks like a nice kid."
I can't help but beam
Some type of dumb grin
I look down at my nametag
Adjust it a bit
The next guest steps up
And then I remember
How much
I just want to leave already
True story.
John Mar 2012
Today there's a smile on my face
For everything I've learned and everything I've yet to
Nothing can shake the feeling
Of being small but knowing, growing to be big

People talk and people walk
But in the end it's just you
What there is to learn
Is that comfort is something you give yourself

A gift from your heart to your mind
They may try to alter a thought, a situation
But you, and only you are the keeper
You are the holder of you and your own
John Sep 2012
Trekking on
Coarse terrain
Muddy boots
Beaten spirits

Whispered words
Exchanged disease
Just some
Reckless abandon
To go
Please


Through wind
And water
Deserts, tundra
Things die
And come
Back to
Life


Time lapse
Heart beats
Feet leap
And
You keep
Me honest

What's more
Than talk
Than walk
Than tears
Than blood
Than life
Than death
Is you
Is us
We are
Spanning
Being
Transcending
John Jan 2013
People on this Earth
Don't seem to notice
When another walks by
Nobody chose this
This stretched rope we walk
Seems to thin out
With each and every step
There's no way out

Either you make a move
Or stay still
Both ways you end up dying
Even by way of pure power of will
That rope is always there
Staring you in the ******* face
Taunting you and telling you you're nothing
All you know is you've got to get out of this place

Get in the road
Rip the engine up
**** that twisted path
Even what's "right" is ****** up
You have to carve your own way
With every ounce of your being
Every drop of blood
Just stop bobbing and weaving
You've got to learn to take the hit
You've got to learn to stop giving a ****
You have to get up and move on, inch by inch, bit by bit
John Dec 2012
Forcing
Things
Only serves
To turn
Desperation
To
Stagnant
Hopelessness
John Jun 2016
i was just a kid when i saw the worst things
the worst that i've ever seen
so please excuse me if my voice cracks when i sing
because it's affected me

you don't owe me anything
so take your leave if i'm too much to bear
in my dreams i've seen things
but i've been awake for so long, i don't even care

i know i should be thankful
so i pretend to be
but right now i'm the opposite of grateful
and i'm pretending not to be
John Apr 2012
When you're walking down the street
And our eyes meet
It's my masculinity
That takes over me
My sights grow keen
And I offer you my shoulder to lean on

Your feminity
Intoxicates and I falter
Your hair shines
Like the sun in the water
I don't believe the lines
Read from the script in your head
John Apr 2013
She gazed out at the setting Sun through drooping eyelids and dripping lashes. She picked up a hand and wiped away the salt water, then looked to me. I turned my eyes from the horizon to her, barely able to twitch a half-hearted smile into permanently solemn expression. The wind blew, the trees bent with it as her hair danced behind her, gracing her head like a mother's loving hands.
"I wish things were different," I choked out. "I wish we could have a life."
She groped her eyes off of me and planted them firmly in the Earth.
"I know," she spoke. "I do too."
Then she looked up and back over the valley and hills toward the almighty setting light. My eyes followed hers and we stood there for what seemed like hours before I gained the strength to flick a finger out. I pushed it into her arm and then wrapped my hand around her wiry wrist. She was kind enough to offer a flickering smile; up and then gone like eraser shavings being blown off of a desk. I appreciated her attempt at gratitude, I knew how hard it was to even think about smiling in a time like this.
"I always wanted to run," she mumbled. "I thought that if, somehow, I ran long enough, far enough..."
Her voice was reduced with each word before she became inaudible.
"That if I could just get away. I could escape. Forever. And then everything would be right. Everything would make sense."
I looked down again and then lifted my arm, settling it over her narrow shoulders and cupping her shoulder with my palm.
"Things don't work like that," I say. "It's incredibly ******* disheartening, I know. But that's life."
She sighs gently, releasing air from her lungs through her nose in a miniscule huff.
"You just have to hold on," she says. And I smile. She's right. She's speaking the truth, as cold and hard as it is, but nonetheless the truth. She's admitted what has to be done. And that's enough to induce an almost enthusiastic look on my face.
"You're right. You're right," I blink. "That's just life."
John Dec 2013
Now I will be ******
If I ***** this up again
I like your pretty words
You ignore it like you havent heard
You've got to know what you're doing
But you like to play the dumb doornail
Coming over to me, your voice washes up
Always, never, your plastic words can't fail

I don't know if we're meant for this
But I think I'm ready to try it
Sorry I got so ******
Over such trivial ****
I'll keep my head on straight
If you promise not to be late
John Jan 2017
old men feed on young blood

with the guidance of the wind

the dollar looks down over the mud

on the strength of all their sins


the almost happy look down in disappointment

as their dreams are popped like bubbles

at the parade of the newly appointed

we trust that he'll take care of all our troubles

pop our troubles like you did our dreams,

please
John Jun 2016
when things never go right
it's easy to give up the fight
and you're in the hole with no way out
taking punch after punch in this constant bout
you can sharpen your nails and try to climb up
but they'll break, because you're brittle and you don't really give a ****
John Sep 2014
Picture this:

You're at work
in your little
cubicle.
Doing nothing
too important.
Emailing this,
filling out that.
Talking to Bill,
George, Hank and Ken.
Laughing merrily
about some *****
that Hank ******
on Saturday.
When suddenly
BANG!

It hits you.

That feeling
deep in the pit
of your gut.
No, you're not
hungry.
Well not for food, anyway.
The feeling that slaps
you across
the face,
is the feeling
of emptiness.

It comes out of
nowhere
and stings like ****.
"What am I
doing?"
You ask yourself.
"Where am I
going,
what am I DOING?!"

Ok, maybe not that dramatic.
But it still hurts.
And it still stings.
And you don't know
what to do.
So you excuse yourself.
Head to bathroom
and look in the mirror.
You're sweating.
Your heart beats
at the rate it would
if you were doing
some heavy work.
Lifting a big pile
of clothes
and running down
a
long
flight
of
stairs.
And you don't know why.

But then you
do know why.
It's because you're
wasting your
******* time.
"You're dying, man."
Your brain tells you.
"You're
*******
dying
here."
John Jun 2016
You don't know me like you think you do
Want you to get to see the light shine through
I'm not really as heartless
I'm not really as soulless
As you've been thinking

My words only mean as much as you take them for
So believe me, or don't, just please don't be sore
I begged you to stay that day
And then I threw you away
My life got so ******
Way beyond a pity
And I've got no one to blame but me
I'm a different man just trying to make you see

I'm gonna keep spilling this to you
Like milk gone sour but maybe it's glue
I'm not saying that I need you
Just would rather not live without you
You raised my bar
And now I'm up so far
But when I'm driving my car
I see your face, it's so far
Your face is so far
So far
So
far
John May 2017
the pit in my heart
perforates your halo
floating, broken apart
is it wrong to love you?
i cant help but love you

the hole in my head
has nothing to say
the valley in my bed
judging me smugly
just like everyone else
John Jun 2016
"i wanna stare at the tears, how they watered yr years..."*

how you laid there and smiled up
up at me, smiling too, while your heart was shut
i didn't get it at first, but now i do
your words trembled and were untrue
never thought i'd live to say i loved
but i did, and now i see from above
John Sep 2012
The boy sat
Quietly
Diligently turning
Page after page
Eyes focused on the text
And nothing else
He was ****** in
He was engaged
Everything around him was just a blur
The only thing real
Was the little square book
Gripped tightly
In his hands

A man walked into the room
The boy didn't notice him
So he moved closer
And closer
Until he was standing
Directly above
The boy
The boy still paid no mind
Still completely fixated on his reading material
Too distracted to care about
Anything else
"You shouldn't be reading that, you know."
And the boy looked up
Disoriented and confused
The boy raised an eyebrow, suspiciously

"And why shouldn't I?"
The man sighed
Crouched down
And looked the boy directly
In the eyes
And said with a certain frankness
"Because the author killed himself."
The boy smirked a little
A devious little smirk
And said
"Well, that's because he was crazy."

The man nodded
And smiled
And wrinkled his mouth into a little
Slit
And said
"Maybe. But he wasn't always that way.
Don't you do your research?"
The boy was starting to get
Annoyed
He shook his head
"Of course I did. But he's a great author.
Are you trying to say I shouldn't read this because the man who wrote it
Took his
Own life?"
And the man smiled a little more
"No, no. That's not it.
I just don't think it's the healthiest thing to read is all."
And the man stood up

"Well I feel fine.
If you don't mind, I think I'm going to
Get back to reading, thanks."
And the boy averted his eyes
Back to his story
But the man wasn't finished
"You're only on page forty-three."
He said
"It took the author
The the end
Of the story
To gain his courage
And find the trigger."
And then he shut his mouth
Turned around
And walked out of the room
Leaving the boy
His book
And the story
Alone
John Dec 2013
should have come and gotten high with us
talkin **** like on the back of the school bus
you should have come and smoked with us
no need in the world to come and make a fuss

just wanted to know what was up with you
had me thinking and feeling like a fool
wanted to know what was going on with you
didn't you say you loved me in the hallway at school?
John May 2012
Nothing like it
Not like anyone cares
To care to know
Is like signing your life away
In debt to those who hold your thoughts

The devil laughs in your face
Caps the pen
Swallows the key
And walks off smirking and screaming
Laughing
John Jun 2016
she stayed by me
she fought for me
she got high with me
in the convertible with me
looking at the stars, you'll see

I've been tripping on myself for too long
Time to get up and start new again
I always knew that I was strong
To her, all my love, I send
I know I was a **** the whole time
And you moved to New Jersey for that job
I acted selfishly and tried to reason my crime
But now what I did and I promise I'll stop

I've been tripping ******* my old girl
Trying to convince her to give me another whirl
But this life really isn't no video game
And she's dead convinced that I'm ******* lame
So now I'm climbing out of this dark hole
Running low so I shovel on some more coal
She's living her own life now
And she's got me wondering how

But it doesn't matter to her
She don't think about me
I don't matter to her
But she still matters to me
John Jan 2013
You wake up in a room
It's not your room
Nor is it any room
You've seen before
Not in reality, not in your dreams
Not in your nightmares

You look around
Dazed as can be
Trying to rub the sleep
From your eyes
And you notice the paint on the wall
Is chipping
Then the smell hits you
It's not all that offensive
It's that stale, moldy odor
That you encounter when you enter
Your grandparents' attic
Like the room doesn't see many visitors

You hoist yourself to your feet
And you notice there is no door
No windows
The only light
Comes from a flickering light bulb
Dangling from the ceiling
With each swing the light flickers
And in one instant when it is illuminated
You notice something on the wall that your back was facing
When you woke up
You move a little bit closer
Slowly stepping, creaking on the wooden floorboards below you
And realize that it's writing

"What do you plan to do with the life you've been given?"

You take a step back
Confused and disoriented
And start to scream
Cry for help
But all the noise you make seems to bounce off the four walls
And come crashing, louder than you could imagine
Back into your own eardrums
John Apr 2016
all i wanted was to save you but i could never do that
one thing ive learned in my 24 years is only you can do that
if you ever decide to flip the switch ill be right there
ive waiting all this time but i don't mean to scare you
its just i believe in people and the power of their will
until the time is right ill be here in the middle of the night sitting still
making sure my influence or lack thereof serves you right
i don't mean to get too heavy all ive wanted to be was light
streaming through your ***** windows fighting the dark
let me be the strange rock you find walking through the park
sturdy and strong and representative of everything youre not
let me be the cool wind blowing when the sun is just too hot
when you finally realize that your bones are all that youve got
you can find me waiting for you in that ancient parking lot
John Jan 2014
Oh, leave it be
Let it go, carry on
You can see, you can see
Capable of some love and fun
Things are never all right
But they're always fine
You're never completely tight
But you always pace the line

You know what I know
And I believe it to be
What you make it show
Makes it all seem so free
Everything is dandy, dandy

Comical in your use
Of overcomplication
Phases and phrases
I never get all the information
You open your mouth to speak
And close it just like that
Never ceases to make knees weak
You can make the mountains flat
With your vibration
What a sensation

— The End —