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 Dec 2013 John
Roseanna H
I sleep
Waking
Climbing rocks
and mountains
Endlessly searching....
Watching the sun rise,
and set,
while I,
my heart,
remains stationary.
I am looking for you
In the Land of Nowhere
where the water
is so blue
the lavender so fragrant
I can almost remember happiness.
I taste it in my tears
see it in my past
but the days keep pulling me
forward
and my heart I can’t find.
Where are you?
but the wind just pushes the long grass
makes my knees cold
makes me listen for foreign whispers.
When I wake,
it is alone,
and my heart used to cry each time
but it is silent in my ears now
quiet, and
afraid of waking
the screaming child in the next room.|
To the Land of Nowhere,
I faithfully keep returning
but in my quest of failing to find you,
I will find beauty in the world again.
Originally this poem ended sadly, and I was torn between using that ending and this. I think it's good to note.
 Nov 2013 John
Roseanna H
Untitled
 Nov 2013 John
Roseanna H
The summer is hot
but a cold wind blows over me.
I am thinking of you
and all that I've lost
and how !a thousand suns
couldn't warm my heart now.
 Nov 2013 John
Roseanna H
Untitled
 Nov 2013 John
Roseanna H
He killed me at once
then came back to finish me
as though I was whole
 Nov 2013 John
Roseanna H
Often
I
Think of you not thinking of me
My heart stops
swallows
holds itself together with tiny hands.
And you got your license
after the fact -
Us.
You found a job,
probably found happiness
when you lost me.
I washed down
the rivers in your heart
The ones I had thought
were gold and silver fountains that we drank from.
You sit
eating dinner slowly
laughing at the television
licking your knife clean.
But when we both watch the same sun set
I am
quite empty.
I Think of you not thinking of me -
When will I
Think of me.
 Jun 2013 John
Roseanna H
I saw hell
 Jun 2013 John
Roseanna H
And you reached into me with your greedy hands,
so much so that I wasn't sure where your fingers ended and my skin began
So much so that I mistook your livid pulse for mine.

And I thought I was breathing in burning air,
and the world turned cold and you didn't care
And I saw hell in your eyes..
but you were dressed in God's robes...

I saw hell in your eyes..
but it was too late to let go.
 Jun 2013 John
Roseanna H
You surprise me,
so softly,
you wish to see me.
Why?


I am but,
a bundled mess
of pessimism and nerves, and
Him.




Now I am not used to this,
this pushing away and you,
coming back,
asking, ‘when?’
and I,
in my paralysed uselessness say soon but avoid making a date,
but then,
I think of you
for hours
and hours
and hours.


I just wanted,
a ****,
to be honest.
But you won’t let me be that girl,
you make me
something more.
And it surprises me and warms me,
and makes me feel so valued
and that is why,
I’m going to say, 'Yes'.

Yes to that **** date you've been asking me on for a month now,
yes to french kissing, to holding hands, to awkward stares in between movie scenes.
Yes to searching for things to say, to getting to know one another’s ways,
now will you leave me alone?

I have some excuses that need making up.
 Apr 2013 John
Roseanna H
You look so handsome in the sweater you’re trying on,
and,
for a moment,
I look at you and smile my great big smile.
(However you become uncomfortable),
and ask me,
“what?”
because you do not understand it. (like he did)

I tell you,
that I am sad,
and what I really mean is
“I’m absolutely falling apart”
and you,
simply ask,
“What’s up?”
as though it is that simple..

Day 7,
of starting university,
I tell you it is hard
and you,
not knowing the depth of my problems,
make a joke about how hard your day off was.

You do not know an inch of me.
You do not know what my heart sings,
or what it longs for.
And if,
I let you in,
You would but look through the window,
and you would ask,
to see no more.

— The End —