When my guilt paralyzes me,
when my shame makes me cower
under the piercing lights of discovery,
my shoulders melt.
Bone becomes fluid, leaks into cavities,
pools around my organs in puddles:
puddles that fill crevices, then freeze.
Molecules grow closer, fit to form,
cementing my fears together
like negative space on a statue.
My guilt and shame were read to me
like bedtime stories every night at nine.
My quilt was littered with secret hurts
to cover with shrugs and a stoic face.
I wasn't just taught to take the blame
and accept responsibility for that which I can't control:
I was taught how to bury it in the backyard,
how to papier-mache a mask
over my reddening cheeks,
to soak up my salty woes
and further solidify the facade.
As the years passed and practice made perfect,
my entire body became encapsulated in fear and pride.
Independence burned bright in my self-descriptions,
but all I truly had to offer was an island,
desolation built upon an inevitability.
I was taught to hold secrets like water,
a never-ending flood of pieces of myself.
My reflection once told me to stop:
there was so much debris, I was manic static
over a vital broadcast.
That hunger took hold,
ripped the pain right out of my lungs
like warm breath on a chilly morning.
But self-awareness dissipated just as quickly.
Acclimation; Stockholm syndrome.
I came to covet the shell,
unbreakable like the vice over your heart.
I was taught not to burden;
I was taught not to trust.

I'd give you
My stomach,
just to show you the caterpillars cocooning
into butterflies.

I'd give you
My heart,
just to show you how it stops
every time you smile.

I'd give you
all the moments I could hold in my arms,
Just so you could see frame by frame
how you have frozen every one of them.

And you might think that I am giving you
everything.
You are humble like that.
but you have given me
lengths of golden twine that you have
strung around my heart.
Making sure that everyday that I fall for you,
you can pull me back up
again
and again
and again.
You don't just pull on my heart strings,
you made them.

And when you cry it's like
rain on the wedding day,
that marries you and perfection together.
I could be your umbrella,
You could be my dream.

Because I have watched "Tangled"
way too many times.
And I don't want you to find a new dream.
I don't want you to scale a tower with my hair.
...although something similar would be nice.

But make us a fairytale.
One which makes little kids want to dress up
like us on Halloween.

Let me be your forever.
A fairytale about the girl who gave everything,
even the bones in her fingers.
To write about true love, about the one who gave,
everything in return.

I promise,
to watch you everyday.
To like everything you do,
even when others don't.
I promise to share you to all of my friends,
but tell them I found you first.
When you need a smile,
I will make a gif of yours and watch it loop.

If better,
means making your view count higher,
count me in.....count me in a 1, 000, 000 times.
If worse,
means staying up past 3am to see your new video,
let me be an insomniac.

I will care for you,
when you catch a virus.  
I will never cheat on you,
with another channel of viewers.

I will subscribe to every,
heartbeat,
breath,
and click.
I can muster.

You are my tube.
and I promise to love you,
till we crash.

I stare at her across the bar, between the bottles covering the worn out stained oak
varnish tarnished, wood soaked
from years
of ashed out cigarettes and spilt beers
slopped spirits from over zealous cheers
she's younger than I imagined, aged as a fine wine
her eyes locked on mine
I see the solar system, galaxies
surrounding the
pupils blacker than the abyss of the outer reaches of space
a lovely contrast to the lightness of her face
I pull up a seat beside her trying to spark a conversation
on life, nature, hopes for modern civilization or even space exploration
she says "quiet now my son, patience"
you're to focused on what you're saying
without hearing what you're conveying
her hand pressed to my heart and she said 43 beats I remember
39 when you sleep, but 84 when you're tempered
I asked her the significance
she said it's all about the difference
how my world is at peace when I am asleep
but pointless rage forces the increase
this life can go no faster
and you will know no master
so focused on breaking the mold, or shattering the plaster
when we really need the subtle hand to make the cast first
she said you see me all in your own ways
I saw her as a woman, soft eyes with a caring face
for no man knows the subtle intricacies and nuances that make living worth the fight
I met god in a bar, she walked me home in the beautiful night
we spoke of love, happiness and the pursuit  of this life...

awake and it's hopeless
insomniac and opened
pandora in the corner crying
everything she had is stolen
taken from her in the woods
***** and robbed of all her good
roped and ribbed avoid her, good
not so brave and power gone
boxing gloves no longer on

i wonder why i dream of ******
smoking, lying, dealing in corners
chain chain chain
of fools, that's me
i stop to turn and look
i bleed
i can't keep up i'm my own treadmill
running always up up uphill
constant loop i step on my face
panting wheezing come on ***** pace
ball toe heel for freedom freedom
walking, telling myself that i run

a thousand times a year they say to me
you look like my cousin's best friend's cleaning lady
shut up i dont care, stop stop right there
the old conundrum
never knowing who i am
wake up soldier, break time's over
breaking brakes and driving over
cliffs
and i wonder will i ever be the older
one in a partnership, mentor to a little kid
parent to an alien, wriggling chewing bubble gum
do you believe in a one, 1, One?
do you believe in america, son?

rocking, waiting for chernobyl
melting down and starting over
rocking, forward backward forward
on my mind this pungent odor
why's the light so cold and broken
why's the day time rank and molded
why's the sky so hazy hazy
lie in bed so heavy, crazy
coffee, cream and sugar lady,
eat too much and starving lately
give give give me all you have
be my friend, my soul, my sin
understand it's paper please
cuz i can't go back i'm on my knees

wish that i could keep a promise
one, just one
and i'd be honest
but i lie and steal and break
i ******* **** **** ****
wish i could believe in something
once, just once
and i'd be saintly
i never did pray to god
i pray to the people i love
the people who tear me down
the people who build me back up

hey why's it so hard to glue things
together?
let air dry
and avoid contact with eyes
permanence a concept i just cant realize
never knowing anything at all
paralyzed after the fall
stop stop stop stop stop stop dont call

waiting awake my brain a seussian landscape
pandora and the lorax get it on under the moon's haze
i know that im not comical i box it in
i want it all
check this box, this box, this box yes
give it up come, come don't protest
close your eyes and sleep will happen
ready for lift-off, everybody strapped in?

I see through magnified eyes
the binocular kind out of focus
I see with a telescope mind
but I think that the glass might be broken

your face
is a smear on the lens, a bit blurry
and my house, I can’t see from the ground
I got worries

it’s like why can I see
up above it’s so clear?
but I look straight ahead
everything disappears






the anthills have all gone away
you filled them all up with your problems
but volcanos on mars I can see
and each molecule, and their atoms

well that’s just my beauty
I can’t help what I see,
everything’s just so giant
to little old me

and my eyes
the binocular kind, out of focus
and my mind, that telescope mind
might be broken

it’s like why can I see
up above it’s so clear?
but I look straight ahead
everything disappears

The only thing I did today…

I will never be one of the great ones.
She proclaimed, “Mediocre.”
I have licked the lollipop of
mediocrity, the sweetness pulled me in.

The never trying harder, became easier.
Laying down, lying about laying down.
I will go nowhere, and nowhere will
welcome me.

For I am as mediocre as any member
of nowhere can be. The machine of
dull people will **** me in, another
cog in slow motion doing nothing.

I will never be quoted, nor doted upon
by any hero. Never a leading lady
just the shadow around the spotlight.
Mediocrity is an evil friend,

one who I welcomed into my head.
No matter how much I plod him,
he never pays his rent.
Me and mediocrity are fated betrothed,

but no matter because I’ve forgotten
what light looks like. And striving to see
is forbidden by mediocrity and me.