I appreciate the way things fall together. However, most times I ignore the simple beauty of things and always look for a purpose.

Ken and I were driving the afternoon streets of Lincoln. Contemplating how prefect things would be if a chauffeur got behind the wheel and we wouldn’t have to balance a lighter fumbling between finger tips. We got a road filled with daily routines and places people need to go. Where do you need to go?

We were burning our way east down Vine street when girls turning from 33rd decided it would be nice to look our way and wave, “hey”. Now you know me…The woman driving the car was obviously paying her attention on the road (as she should be), but she wasn’t very attractive so things worked out. However, passenger and backseat were occupied by pretty girls looking eighteen with wide eyes and hands waving.

We tried passing phone numbers by illuminating fingers to clarify digits. This is where a chauffeur would come in handy because I can’t drive a car without any usable hands. But, like most things, it didn’t work out and they needed to leave left on 48th while I knew my car needed to keep going. They turned. And it was poignant. I went straight.

About five blocks later I turned around. Often times in life these good things linger for a while but then eventually pass. I’m part of the later party who recognizes its existence far after the time has been spent like most of my money on material moments. So don’t look me over while I’m trying to look for you. This is so like me. I turned on 48th street looking for something that I knew was well and gone. I couldn’t find a purpose…I’m not obsessed and this shouldn’t be looked upon as creepy, but I couldn’t understand the reason for these girls so, if you’re looking for me I’m on 48th street seeking a reason. There’s a tragic flaw for ya.

I appreciate the way things fall together, however most times I ignore the simple beauty of things and always look for a purpose.

Ken and I were driving the afternoon streets of Lincoln. Contemplating how prefect things would be if a chauffeur got behind the wheel and we wouldn’t have to balance a lighter fumbling between finger tips. We got a road filled with daily routines and places people need to go. Where do you need to go?

We were burning our way east down Vine street when girls turning from 33rd decided it would be nice to look our way and wave, “hey”. Now you know me…The woman driving the car was obviously paying her attention on the road (as she should be), but she wasn’t very attractive so things worked out. However, passenger and backseat were occupied by pretty girls looking eighteen with wide eyes and hands waving.

We tried passing phone numbers by illuminating fingers to clarify digits. This is where a chauffeur would come in handy because I can’t drive a car without any usable hands. But, like most things it didn’t work out and they needed to head left on 48th while I knew my car needed to keep going. They turned. And it was poignant. But I needed to keep going.

About five blocks later I turned around. Often times in life these good things linger for a while but then eventually pass. I’m part of the later party who recognizes its existence far after the time has been spent like most of my money on material moments. So don’t look me over while I’m trying to look for you. This is so like me. I turned on 48th street looking for something that I knew was well and gone. I couldn’t find a purpose…I’m not obsessed and this shouldn’t be looked upon as creepy, but I couldn’t understand the reason for these girls so, if you’re looking for me I’m on 48th street seeking a reason. There’s a tragic flaw for ya.

I appreciate the way things fall together, however most times I ignore the simple beauty of things and always look for a purpose.

Ken and I were driving the afternoon streets of Lincoln. Contemplating how prefect things would be if a chauffeur got behind the wheel and we wouldn’t have to balance a lighter fumbling between finger tips. We got a road filled with daily routines and places people need to go. Where do you need to go?

We were burning our way east down Vine street when girls turning from 33rd decided it would be nice to look our way and wave, “hey”. Now you know me…The woman driving the car was obviously paying her attention on the road (as she should be), but she wasn’t very attractive so things worked out. However, passenger and backseat were occupied by pretty girls looking eighteen with wide eyes and hands waving.

We tried passing phone numbers by illuminating fingers to clarify digits. This is where a chauffeur would come in handy because I can’t drive a car without any usable hands. But, like most things it didn’t work out and they needed to head left on 48th while I knew my car needed to keep going. They turned. And it was poignant. But I needed to keep going.

About five blocks later I turned around. Often times in life these good things linger for a while but then eventually pass. I’m part of the later party who recognizes its existence far after the time has been spent like most of my money on material moments. So don’t look me over while I’m trying to look for you. This is so like me. I turned on 48th street looking for something that I knew was well and gone. I couldn’t find a purpose…I’m not obsessed and this shouldn’t be looked upon as creepy, but I couldn’t understand the reason for these girls so, if you’re looking for me I’m on 48th street seeking a reason. There’s a tragic flaw for ya.

Everyone I’ve ever talked to has said they’ve held hands with ghosts at one point in time. That’s why it’s so easy for me to tell you, I don’t sleep at night because I’m haunted. Neighborhood kids don’t even come around me no more and if you walk to my door you’ll be so thankful that it’s closed because if the outside looks like hell, you might want a ghosts hand to hold if you want to look in.

When this place first started to feel haunted I didn’t believe it till I walked outside and said to myself, “wow it looks like it too”. Every board holding me up feels like a memory and that broken window looks like a miracle. Something isn’t leaving this ghost heart and it’s the reason I’m barely alive with a barely connected ribcage.

She broke that window. She’s gone now but still around. It’s like she vanished into the ceiling only holding on to white balloons, telling her they were clouds, tricking her and taking her; a chunk out of my heart. I can hear her breathe when I turn my back, it doesn’t scare me I kinda like it. When it’s too quiet I hear her say “boo”. She drops glasses and picture frames reminding me of where I am. Rattle your chains and scream. I believe in you and I believe that this ghost heart is haunted too.

She had this tattoo of closed eyes reminding everyone she’s a dreamer. And when I’m dreaming I’m seeing her. Feelin’ her, the pressure on lips, have you any idea what it’s like? Ghost lips folding over mine? Well, it feels like it wasn’t even there. Though it looked real it’s just something some people still believe in. And I believe in a portrait I hung on my ghost heart because people were forgetting to look for it. As if it never really was there.

I don’t close them but my eyes are starting to play tricks on me. In a wispy white apparitional haze I see you. I abandon the idea of a ghost and just call you pure. But baby the truth is all in this manifestation. You’re the traditional ghost of my hollowed out soul. Necromancy I’ll speak to you. Hear me and if you heart me speak me into the callings of those who are no longer with me. Where are you? You haven’t been lurking within the walls of this house but rather in the veins of a ghost heart. Pumping your face into arteries. Haunting my beats. You follow me like a demon. I’ve never been a man of faith but that word means different things to different people. People need to have faith in the pulses of ghost hearts.  I’m beating although you may not see it. I’m alive and you don’t believe it. I am haunted. By a beautiful ghost who lives in my disgusting ghost heart.

Your spit on my lips tightens like
Shackles on my wrists
I cant wait till you burst through your skin and realize
The critical shape my skull is in from dreamin’ memories like dark tides
I could forget this memory
But this is what built me
It built me and built me and without it
I’d be significantly less then what I used to be

Can you see what I see
Because I got portraits of water colors made from angel tears
And it’s pouring images of you out from under my ribs

Your feet could be in sand
"Lay it to rest"
I say, because you must be awfully tired
You’ve walked at a steady pace for one hundred and fifty days
While I’ve gone one hundred and forty nine, you always
Manage to somehow be ahead of me daily

You can
Let your face fall into
My hands

What a sight to see
I want to be buried next to you but not in caskets
I want our bodies to be about three feet apart covered in soil
Growing with the earth my hand will push though dirt and holding yours
We’ll grow while dying

You’ve got eyes like winter I freeze
Your breath is cold as I swallow it
The wind in my hair
Could easily be your hand
I lay my head upon stones to crack my skull
Picking up imagination to show you what you’ve given me
And right now your hands on my temples feel like rocks
You feel solid
Like you’re the hardest dream to leave alone

You can
Let your face fall
Into my hands

Love On Walls

My son has been learning how to breathe for six years now and
Last night I caught him drawing on our living room walls
With his blue and red Crayola markers
Initially,
My first intention was to yell
Let him know he did something wrong
Then on the wall I saw a blue stick woman wearing a red dress
I said “Son, what are you doing?” he said,
“drawing.”
I said, “Who are you drawing?” he said,
“Mommy”
I said, “Why are you drawing mommy?” he said,
“Because she’s never around and I can’t find pictures.”
The room got so quiet, I almost whispered to the drawing
I miss you
Then he asked, “will mommy come back?”
And by now this conversation had become so human
I told him, “No, she wanted to leave.”
Then he said, “Will you leave me too?”
That was a stamp
Dipped in the ink of wasps
Stamping and puncturing my heart

I sat next to him by the wall and told him how much I loved him
My feet are within the concrete of his heart and I’ll never leave
I look at him with love
My eyelashes go up and down
Pouring out stars
Forming constellations to tell him bed-time stories
I’ll always be here
We can go to your favorite fast food restaurant and I’ll let you have my fries
We can go outside and play catch with your new baseball glove
And if you don’t like baseball that’s okay
Instead of learning how to throw a change up, I’ll teach you how to live
You can ask me all the question you have in your tiny beautiful head
And I’ll answer them with all the leftover imagination I have stored up in mine
He said we could make silly stories and he loves me
I picked him up in my arms and asked him what he knew about love
He said, “you shouldn’t say I love you unless you mean it. But if you do mean it, you should say it a lot. Because people forget. And I think you forgot dad.”
I told him I did.
And now the only reason I pulse is to make him remember every day

The rest of the night we drew on the walls
We made cars, boats, helicopters and airplanes
Beautiful clouds, long squiggly lines that would go down the stair case and doodles

Around two o’ clock in the morning
We finally grew tired of illuminated art from our fingertips
But he didn’t want to sleep until we played with his action figures
I was batman
From my bat-belt I removed sand man’s sweat grain
and sprinkled dreams upon my boys forehead like
Fertilizing his mind with Polaroid’s of family vacations
And that one time for his piano recital
He was too scared to play until I stood up in the crowd, smiled and waved
I’ll always be there

They decided to carpool for work
Business Women working nine to five
They buckled up and ignited the van
She was in the passenger seat
Being a mile away from home
Never seemed so far away

Some people end at five
While others begin
By the time six came around
He was already stumbling for his car keys
To get to a destination
That he really didn’t know how to get to
It’s like his brain simply just shut down
He buckled up and ignited the car

They were resting at a stop sign
Not far off from a community
When they decided to move forward
While fast forward was coming from the right
Going past 35mph signs at 85
And I’m not scared of most things but…
He was flying
She was in the passenger seat

The powerful pressure lifted her off the seat like hands
Tore through the seat belt like claws
Crashed through shattered glass like the beautiful miracle of a spider web
Picture a body suspended in air floating like a cloud
Except with a lot more velocity
Teeth and skin grinded on pavement
I can’t walk on my hands for five yards
But somehow she managed to slide three blocks on her face
She finally rested when God himself
Personally came down from the sky and held her
Looked into her brown eyes that weren’t even there anymore
And he said, “This is enough.”
Now a tulip grows under concrete

She came from a family of twenty-two
So the hospital was full and weak
The lobby was filled with too many strangers to host a meeting so
The doctor took the warm-hearted family into a room
And they poured in so brightly that the door couldn’t even shut
He told them not to remove the blanket because they wouldn’t see
Something that should be on shoulders resting on a pillow
They have to shut the casket
Like folding hands over one another
Hiding a dying butterfly from it’s most beautiful worn out moment

Then there were loud shouts of profanity coming from outside the door
As a family was inside learning what it meant to come together
They could hear everything
“How much longer do I have to ******* wait you mother *******? Ahh **** come on! Someone ******* help me, for **** sake! Doesn’t anyone give a **** about me!”
This room was a TV set not turned on
The doctor needed to excuse himself
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” he said
“That’s your drunk driver outside, he broke his arm.”

It’s tough to be at a party with a girl you like
Who doesn’t feel the same exact way towards you
She got dolled up with her girlfriends
Before she came here
And she looks **** as **** right now
Time runs; you forget about the drink in your hand
And start counting all the ones that pass through hers
People holding red party cups that are filled with
Foam and beer
Or maybe ***** and mountain dew
It really doesn’t matter all that much because they all end the same way
Empty

A lot of these faces I don’t recognize
I introduce myself to everyone just in case I get
Brought up in one of your conversations and they can tell you
How cool I am through drunk speech and loud ****** expressions

The bass bumpin’ music in this house starts to feel quiet
So I can concentrate on her voice
Which is already music to me and
The loud bass of my heart blew my speakers out last weekend
When I walked her home so,
I don’t expect my speakers to be turned up to
Max volume anytime soon.
There’s a strobe light pulsing along with the music
In this dimly lit living room and it
Reminds me about the childish parties we’d attend when we were ten
I remember one time in a room quite like this
We played musical chairs
My friend, her and I were the last ones standing
And when the music ran out I watched you two quickly sit next to each other
I have that same feeling right now

I’ll hear two things on the drive home
Either really loud punk music or silence
I’ll think of two things on the drive home
How I wish she were in the passenger seat next to me
So I can feel like her protector
Or, I want to be in the passenger seat and have her drive me home
I want her to be my DD for life
Her hands turning this wheel
Turning my world as street lights and stars guide us home
And home can be where ever she lays me down
She’s got arms like warm blankets
That wrap around my body and I call her safety
It’s unfortunate that she has a boyfriend
Riding in cars will always be a fascination
About this time there’s nothing left to do
So I spew my dinner and whatever drinks I’ve downed
Into a perfectly placed white toilet bowl
And the main thing I’m looking for is the face of Jesus
Or the ****** Mary to manifest itself within my chunks
Giving me some faith, some hope
But let’s me honest…
In that toilet, it’s just *****, straight up
There’s no Jesus to be found here
So therefore, I’ll always get back on my feet
And I think to myself
I’m to think to drunk right now
So I’ll have my brain slap five with my heart and tag out
Get back into that party atmosphere with my friends

Now that I’ve gotten you out of my system
I’m ready to substitute it with fun

You were born around the time
When things on the radio sounded groovy
As your mother put you to her chest
Feeling the pulse of a small baby
She didn’t know it then but
She also felt my heart too
Because all my beats were created in you

I should worship you
You tried so hard
With me

So they say,
On the seventh day after creating the universe
God rested
You spent nine months
Painting, sculpting, molding and creating me
Creating my body to feel life like gentle hands
Creating eyes to see a world surrounded in invisible wind
Creating my heart to love as often as breathing
Creating my mind that shines because it’s teeming
Creating creativity
Creating my life
Creating my universe
With me
You tried so hard
I should worship you

Growing up I didn’t have a favorite author
Because I thought you
Wrote every book
You read stories at bedtime
Like taking a spoonful of ideas and
Feeding them to my brain
Your voice can narrate a story so well
I’d close my eyes
Not because I’m trying to fall asleep
But rather trying to fall into the story
You taught me how to dream

All moms have something they can cook well
Some can make the best cherry pie
Others, a mean artichoke dip
Mom, you bake the best Life
Fresh or even the next day for leftovers
Everyone eats it and says it tastes like
Breathing
You make life

Listen to this idea and tell me what you think,

You got a million pictures
In hundreds of albums that won’t fit because
The binding became busted
I don’t get how my body
Can get so big when I
Look at pictures of me so little
Perhaps you thought each photo would
Take days off of my life so we could go back to
Feeling like,
Playing with action figures before you went to work
Feeling like,
Learning to ride a bike was on my to do list
I’m feeling like,
We can start life again
I don’t know about you but,
I’d like that
Simply because,
I had fun

Burrrrrr
This cold weather has got me thinking that
I don’t see you as much as I used to
Which is a shame because I’ve got
Hugs that resemble wool coats and the kiss
Of a fireplace across your face
I’m warm

People often say I don’t show much compassion
Towards the opposite *** and
That’s because I’m saving it all for you
Like a child learning the value of a dollar
Constantly saving up to better my future
Until I meet you
I’ll spend it all on lollipops, teddy bears and
Others things of that nature to make you stay around longer

Striking a match inside my organs that winter when
My tongue froze to a light post and you were the only one who didn’t laugh at me
It seemed logical at the time
It felt like you gave me this fire
And I could conquer abnormal tasks simply by having the idea of you
Linger at the end of everything I touch
This is called “feeling” you told me
Snow drops like days

I was born with a ribcage that resembles wooden logs
With the fire you put in my belly………..
I’m starting to get concerned so,

I need to see you soon
Before my ribcage is ablaze
Before my body is 20% smoke 80% fire and 100% your first name
Girl, I’m about ready to spontaneously combust
So make these miles feel like seconds
I need to show you how close spring is
And what summer
Feels like

burrrr

I’m your favorite kind of rain
That goes down a drain slowly like I can
Mimic your movements
Simply by asking you how you feel

Now, it doesn’t rain your favorite all the time
Most of the time I get this extra burden
But you’re my umbrella that’s keeping me dry
From stress, anger and despair
Pouring out from a raincloud called,  “Thing’s I don’t want to face today”

Let it pour
I know you’ll cover me from my problems
As long as I hold you up from yours

Over the past couple of years I’ve made some new friends
Gay ones
Coming from a small town there wasn’t a lot of that growing up
But I grew up not judging people and accepting my friends
Religion, race and ****** orientation
And then I got made fun of for having friends
They said, “Oh you’re probably gay now too right?”
I am so straight

I am so straight
That I like to listen to classical music because
It makes me feel an emotion I haven’t felt yet
I am so straight
That I cry at the end of really good movies
Because the actor or actresses performance was so believable
Or the story was something that touched me soft
I am so straight
My favorite color is purple
I am so straight
That I watch sports with my gay friends and we
Discuss the color of the team’s jerseys
I am so straight
That I broke up with my smokin’ hot, perfect 10, girlfriend
Because she didn’t have the incredible ability to carry on
A decent conversation
I am so straight
That I like to wear skinny jeans because I believe it shows off my figure better
And you come up to me and say I look gay
And girls come up to me and say I like your style
And then I kiss them
I am so straight
I write poetry about things I like to do
***, THC and partying with all of my friends, regardless of how they love
I am so straight
That I’m not even on this planet
The world is a sphere
Full of bends and curves
I’m straight out suspended in space

I am so straight

All the public pedestrians on main street
See, a business man walking with
A brief case meant for holding important things
They see me and I know they think, that this man has it goin’ on
His paycheck is more than I’ll ever see
And I bet a perfect life fits easily in that brief case
It’s not the case
Let’s get under the skin with injections
To see that
This man is an addict
I’m addicted to I Miss You

Slowly scratching skin
Gradually getting faster
Like I can wipe away her breath with drugs
Picks scabs off arms like memories
But they bleed and run
Reminding me how worse things get when
I try to help
Try to help the addict, I’m an addict

Look at this syringe and call it her kiss
Punctures skin and inject into veins
All the things that made me better than
What I used to be
What he used to be is when he’s high
And the worlds alright
The worlds alright, for as long as this trip lasts
I’m an addict I’m an addict
I’m addicted to I Miss You

I’m addicted to one thing
Trip LSD then move to ecstasy
Snort ******* and swallow some pills
Because they all lead to one thing
Getting high and remember being with her
Sometimes I can hallucinate so hard
That’s she breathing right next to me
See her moving in a black dress
Holding hands for dancing
1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4
I don’t count or dance anymore because I forgot how
Forgot how her heart beat
This is what I do to see her again
I’m addicted to her voice
I’m addicted I’m addicted to
her name
Could even be a drug
It’s like her first letter is a hit and I breathe
Out the last four letters through smoke

Bongs, pipes, syringes and blunts
Drug paraphernalia turns into vehicles
That all take me to the same place
A small town called Human
Because that’s all I want to be
And there’s a city to the North called Reality
They get mixed up sometimes and it’s tough to find work up there
High is the town I visit the most  
But often times I feel like I don’t belong there
And the big city of Over Dose is just a few miles away
Sometimes you get lost looking for Human and Reality that you end up there
Because the directions on the map aren’t finished
The map maker shot himself when he realized God wasn’t hearing him
God moved to a town called I Miss You
I’m addicted
And the last time I checked his next-door neighbor was you
I really want to go to I Miss You and see you but I haven’t been there yet
So wait for me

I’m done visiting these places
High would be a nice vacation spot but I can’t be there all the time
I swear Over Dose could be enough to **** me
I haven’t found I Miss You yet
And its hard to find a place to live and a job in Reality
So, Ima’ take this last hit and hope I can be
Comfortably human

This is it
This is what I wanted, I just wanted to know
Now that I know, I guess I can move on
I can stop telling myself I need closure
A door just slammed so hard in my face
That my nose broke and I’ve been crossed eye for ten minutes

I can stop looking at pictures
Thinking old thoughts
Trying to see you in dreams
Holding on to things you gave me
I thought once this would happen I’d spiral into a state of depression
But *******, I’m like electricity bouncing between tall towers of this town
There was this pressure of your atmosphere constantly breathing my shoulders down
Now, I feel ten ******* feet tall and like this smile on my face
I keep growing
I’m not even high and I feel amazing

Alone
in the sky
Your breath in
me is like expanding helium

Raised you hold my wire across

All the open air know as this great wired distance


Forget everything hold the wire for every moment
Remember how you breathed into me, You hold on tight
Showing all failed girls before what kind of person it takes
To not let this balloon reach an air pressure point of popping
You hold me suspended at a perfect level next to the sun, moon and God
Everything I’ve loved is at the mercy of a string tied around
The knuckles of a girl one hundred and fifty miles away
You finally give up but won’t let me know
Tie me to a street light then you go

When dark you can see me floating
Judging what would be best
To slowly lose your breath
And hit the pavement
Or cut the wire
Eventually
rise and

pop

Yeah, I fell from the sun
Which seemed to be two miles
Too high
Right now I feel human
Get it together now
Ride this wave that parts
My hair into
What I can take into my lungs and what’s been
Used up
Cover up the light
Lampshade
Push fade physics and rules
Listen to a song with your skin
Take it in
Feel right
Feel human
Human Scream
Levitate over blades guided by a
Human Stream
Of consciousness

Curve, bend, wretched lines into
Pure, perfect circles I can use to dot my eyes
See things and understand them
Vision breaks life into a process
Bit by bit
My lip
Trying to whisper words into pictures
So I can show you in my mind
What that picture we never took
Looks and feels like
Falling from the sun two miles
Too high
All you smuggled from my body
Will be taken in
To feel right
Feel human

Hey how are you
Yeah it’s been quite some time
I haven’t talked to you in awhile
Just thought I’d drop by and uhhh….

I already had somewhat of a voicemail already planned
Because I knew you probably wouldn’t answer ha….

Umm
Where have you been?
Maybe I haven’t recognized the extreme changes of your character
Or if I did something that upset you
I put X’s on my calendar on the days I don’t see you
And you’ve already set the record with a couple of months straight
So I suggest you stop playing

Usually I just hang up when I hear the answering machine
Or wait till the beep because
I still like listening to you say, “I’ll call back”
But this time I knew I had so many things to say
I hope you listen to this but not just the first three seconds
And delete it

Now I can only hope at some magnificent time
My phone will go off and illuminate your name over caller ID
Showing how you’re trying to reach me
For what ever purpose
To ask me how I am….or
To bring me down
And finally lay me to rest
With closure

Hey umm I hope I see you soon
I love you
Goodbye

Last night I looked at something from the summer of 2009.
It was buried in the depths of my “sent” folder. Counterclockwise. Via email. Something small. Barely a few words at all. Feel as though I fell in time. Sent to an address I rarely see. Opened by a girl whose eye color is something I should forget.  Few words exchanged but it still put a dent in my timeline.
Just a couple of letters together, forming words. First it started with
“Hey”
Soon asking about your day
You replied with haste
(Which now seems humorous too me)
Nothing memorable was in your lines
But I put something in my mind
That in this brief period of time. Just a few words from your fingers put a voice between my ears. Conversation now is impossible. Your first name made me feel human. Because I finally cared for someone who wasn’t myself. I didn’t reply to what you sent me because I saw you shortly after. Now, close to 2011, I feel like I should say something back. Catch you off guard. Light a spark. Forest fire in your brain.
I began to construct a sentence. But before I could lay to rest my finger on a period, I gently held down delete.delete.delete. Till blank. Clicked the back arrow. Falling back up this rabbit hole to the present day.
I’m sorry I’ve been rambling on.
I should get back to work.

Did I push you away
With all my heavy words
Accused of stealing
A feather
Blame me for why
You can’t fly

You’re turning mere thoughts
Into marathons
Take a breather
Though each breath you undergo
Absorbs air from my pleading lungs

Do you want me to push you
So you can fall twenty seven stories
And by the time you fall past ten
You’ll understand what you want
Turn my pockets inside
Out of time
Now, just another crack on the pavement

Take the stitches out of
My skin like words
Complicated curves
The mural on my back
Stained by an idea
That grew in your head
It’s now what you believe
And it’s become who I am

How you think, lays boulders on my spine
Give me a break

Ugggh
Why?
It’s a ******* Tuesday
Who does this on a Tuesday
With someone else in the room
Who can hear
EVERYTHING
That’s going on
I know it’s your girl friend and you haven’t seen her in two days
But sweet ****
I feel so awkward

“Shhh, it’s okay. He’s asleep.”
Yeah, *******
I wanna ask him how that test went
Or if he got that hot girls number in the elevator
Something to stir the mood
Something to stop the possible pregnancy
That’s happening twenty feet away from me

Where am I supposed to go?
The lobby?
Sleep on the couch?
Yeah, **** that

I should take a needle
And poke holes in all his condoms….
What kind of human being would I be after
Completing such a wretched task
God, that was such an evil thought

Then, just as quickly as the began…
The springs suddenly grew silent
I was confused
But I didn’t want to turn around and look
I just waited
Till ultimately I heart my roommate whisper
“Sorry”

I seem to be a broken radiator
Not one that generates heat
Throughout the room
But one that used to explode with light

You made me so warm
My eyes would melt and drip to the floor
So I could look at insignificant things
More closely

I found what you thought of me down there
Between the floor boards
It was dusty and unloved
So I left it

It’s 11:57 on a Sunday night
Brunette hair
Sharing a bed with me
Where did it go
Hide and seek with time

Barely a second ago it was 11:56
Must’ve blinked
Time can skip
like
a
record
When you’re not paying attention
11:59
****, it’s almost tomorrow
A new day
And they say,
With each new day hope is restored

12:00
Yeah, no way
The sun will come up again
But everyone remembers yesterday
Hope isn’t restored
Everyone remembers my ****

I long for a time
12:00
On a Saturday
And nobody knows
Where I’m at

This is Christmas. Drowning in your small hometown, that’s so far away from the ocean but somehow it manages to be washed up. In this place that used to hold your baby fists and kissed your forehead when eager eyes grew sleepy. Between arms of friends, whose love limit is infinity and the one you used to love, who didn’t feel like staying anymore. I slit my heart into fractions and gave it to all my friends this year. The year is almost over…but there’s so much time left for fun. This is Christmas.

What if we could see the oxygen
Coming off trees
Like it was this dark blue haze
Particles floating in air
Dance them around your hands
Form them together and give them
To the prettiest girl you know
Yeah,
That’d be worth it

What if we could create or manipulate
Clouds
Change color or formation
Make them white as sclera
Or thunder and pulse
I’d sculpt these clouds like a healer
Carefully and with grace
Move them inches to the left
To get the sun out of her eyes

I’d paint a ceiling many colors
Just so I could witness the hues
Drip down and turn the floor into
A splatter painted canvas
You do this to my brain

Electric receptors run down the veins
Feel a riptide under my skin
You speak; Neurons explode
Kaleidoscope in my pupils
You make my mind drip hues
Splatter paint my feet

The trees give off this dark blue haze
I collected some of it
Formed it into a small sphere
Much like a marble
It’s resting in my front left pocket
…someday, I’ll give it to the prettiest girl I know
Perhaps we’ll make clouds
And she can paint my brain
Yeah,
That’d be worth it

Girl you’re a ninja
Disappearing in the night
I can’t find you anymore
When thing’s seemed quiet
I heard tiny footsteps and a sharp pain
Small blade in the heart
Assassination attempt
I saw you do a back flip
Over a wall that was my self-esteem
Disappearing in the night
Girl you’re a ninja

I want to be with pirates
We’d have fun
Adventure!
My best friend wanted to be a ninja
Stupid
Ninja’s train too much
They can never be loud
They can never be fun

You see us pirates
Oh man we get the party started
And the boats rockin’
No pun intended
With no such thing as time
We have no where to be
Let down the sail
Ocean air breathes life into our direction
We take what we want
And we drink way too much
On a daily basis

Wearing eye patches even though
We have perfectly good eyes behind them
That’s the fun of it
Have you noticed my beard?
It’s seven oceans thick
Seen more battles than history books

Our ship is the closest thing
We have for a soul
Yeah, it’s a little *****
But it’s fun
Nobody has a home
So we embark on what’s in our hearts
We don’t listen to our heads
There’s no fun in that kind of thinking
Our hearts are chaotic
Passion in the form of crashing waves

So,
Show me adventure

Dotting my i's
tying off loose ends
why I wasted my time?
I cant comprehend

Chill in the air
Diamonds look dull
pressure in my brain
crushes my skull

Cant be myself
Contorted at the core
lets go back to "before"

I was happy
so it wasn't a waste
Now it's gone
but i remember
the taste

Maybe one day
While i'm dreaming
My mind teeming
and my smile, gleaming
I'll finally control the wheel
Everything is fine
But nothing can be this real

I want to leave you
Step outside and walk the street
Concrete becomes blue waves
My feet turn into a boat
And arms form paddles
In ten years you won’t even recognize
My first name

I want to say goodbye
Transplant a gun in my spine
So every time you hurt me
I’ll pull the trigger and paint the ceiling red
Make my heart a grenade
So when it does pulse
It’ll ******* mean something
Lay on a floor crafted from
The world’s most fantastic revolvers
Outline my body with bullets and smoke

I wish your fingers were syringes
Every time you’d touch or hug me
I’d overdose like a rock star
Barbed wire bones mix with
Your melancholy tones

Your brain is an atomic bomb
And every time
You think of
Me
Tick Tock

Arms swinging through the air only to touch my own sides. A tiny speck in the distance now defines your essence, it lingers. Look into that cloudless sky while the breeze ruffles through my hair. Deep breathing leading to memory repeating. And out of all those memories, I didn’t have to pretend to be happy…
mostly in the summer.

Cover my countenance with a mask, but with you it just arrives naturally. These times have been chiseled into my mind. Though sometimes while my eyes are shut, my dreams are vivid like the breeze that ruffled my hair.
Nothing false fell from my mouth.
The only words that were heard came from the pulse of my disgusting heart.
I miss that cloudless sky. I hate this story book, it makes me feel alone.

There was a presence behind the hands that sculpted my summer. The detail of the sun, the complexity of the simple grass. There had to be… or else my body would fall apart.
This constant twisting in my stomach would become all too real.
I never really liked falling apart, it makes things more complicated.

There’s always that one part to the memory, the end. That makes what ever sweet thing you’re dreaming of so **** bitter…that it’s foul to the mind. Who knew grief comes from beginning smiles.
I wish I was numb, to everything, especially the touch of the eyes.

Nobody can fit this imprint in my body. Your hair on my shoulder as my eye lids collapsed. Breathing as though it was the rhythm of my life…***…***.

I think I am numb now. That disgusting pulse isn’t going out to anyone, mostly because I can’t find it anymore.

Ich fühle mich wie wir in einem früheren Leben erfüllt
(I feel like we met in a former life)
Auch…where are my manners
English, right
I feel like we met not in this life
But before
And by “met” I mean loved

I have no idea how

We share common things
Und our eyes meet whenever we think the other isn’t looking

Maybe I’m going crazy under ******’s hand
I don’t feel like I’m in the right state of mind
But I feel like we’ve loved
Once upon a time



Have I met you before
Because you seem super familiar
I think you were my neighbor before I moved
Because I remember the pretty girl
Next door with brown hair
We played in my back yard and pretended to be aliens
Then made macaroni art
That’s us….on a hill….holding hands
You fell and got a boo boo on your elbow
And I put a dinosaur band-aide on it
We road bikes to the park and we swinged
Remember my best friend Johnny? His birthday party?
Well you were there and I got cake in your hair and you cried…
I gave you a gift on valentines day
It was a flower I put in a purple box
my mom planted in my yard
And later she yelled at me and put me in the corner for digging it up
I shared my dairy queen milkshake with you
Even though It was chocolate and that’s my favorite flavor
And I was really surprised because you said that was your favorite too
Do you remember…
No…?
Oh okay sorry.
You can come over and play with some of my toys if you want
I like your shoes…

I met her in a past life,
In February, new grass reaching through snow
This funeral only reminds me of
Vibrations in my spine when she’d leave
Symphony strings come in
Crushing all my Ambien
Recreating Adam and Eve

I could feel my disgusting old heart pulse
When I became her.
When she took over me.

I remember
Watching life go by like movies
Ich erinnere mich (I remember)
Dancing in ballrooms to records
I remember
Young bodies in ***. Minds dowsed in ecstasy
I remember you

Our dying won’t stop euphoria like this
It’ll just be put on hold for a while
Emotions becoming a straight beaming line
Because I’ll meet her again
All we’ll do is change the date and time

I love Christmas
Although, I’m not religious what so ever
I love the idea of Christmas

No matter what religion we are
We give each other gifts
This universal idea of people coming together
To bring each other cheer

I like it when we’re nice to each other

Right now; War and hate seems like anything but possible

I was eating supper when I saw you
In the dinning hall
Middle of this chilly campus
I saw you beautiful through glass

Walking with two blondes to check in
Red hoodie topping
Black skinny jeans
The only brunette
Intimidation

I got in line to make my own hoggie sandwich and
You and your friends got right behind me
Started talking about the drunken activities of the past weekend
Everything in the marrow of my bones wanted
To turn around and introduce myself
To begin friendship with the physical manifest of beauty
Made eye contact; said “hi”
You smiled

I quickly grabbed my hoggie and walked away to my seat
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll ask you how you are
Then the next day maybe ask for a number
Although, every day it’s just eye contact and a smile

The food I devour here could be a metaphor for courage
I need to keep getting in line
Building up my confidence to actually start an understandable sentence with you
The only place I see you is in this dinning hall
This is the only place where I have supper
You are the reason I eat

Then, you and your friends get up and leave
Throw away your plate like the conversation we never had
And I watch you walk away beautifully through glass

Light peers in through the window
thinking of summer
I bring my wine glass to my lips
Then stop…
Everyone is expecting me to drink
This Predestination of thirst

I drop the glass
From two meters high
Shatters in jagged pieces by my feet
The light from the window
Mixes with the red wine and broken pieces
There’s a prism at my shoes
Bright rainbow of hues
Sprouts like arms
Giving me a hug
That I didn’t deserve

I see my body
In the broken pieces of glass

I dropped it
Out of destruction
Creation
Beauty
I wanted to see this
Simply because,
I haven’t seen anything pretty in awhile

I can make a wave across space
I’ll call it beautiful like darkness


Did you know that in space everything is silent…

All the crushing of stars
Galaxies twisting
Black holes tearing space
The movement of planets

The most beautiful sounds in the Universe(s)

are completely silent

So,
You want to be able to write beautiful poetry
Some say it’s easy
“Put a few words here and there. Hooray! A poem!”
Well that’s all well and good but
If you want to be really good at poetry
It’s harder than that
That stuff previously mentioned
Is a brief gust of wind that catches you off guard
Real poetry, words that hit
Or like speeding stones crashing into your temple
It’s gonna hurt because the poem hurt to write
To be really good at poetry
You have to lose
The only thing you’ve ever loved or felt comfortable existing around
Anyone can write good poems
Once they lose the reason their heartbeat fluctuated
***** up the feeling of being whole
Pealing off the skin to shed a new persona
Burn their bodies as a sacrifice
Paying homage to the only person who could control both heart and mind

You gotta watch your soul mate drown right before your eyes
To write good poetry
Like fishing with your Dad and you got the big fish on the line
He’s excited for you and you really want that fish
Till the line cuts lose
And everything feels a whole lot simpler
Also your father also looks depressed

Whether it’s for the Summer or two years
You have to meet your soul mate
Both of you recognize that you two were meant for each other
Then He/She has to leave on His/Her own free will

Only then will you write good poetry
And with a little more tragedy
You could write better than me
But don’t get your hopes up

That’s how you write good poetry

Hey, step out of the cold
This is home
This is warm

You can leave if you’d like
I’ll keep the light on
Keys under the mat

I can hear you come in at 3 a.m.
I am still
I lie awake
Though appear sleeping

Crawl under warm sheets
And imagine you were here the whole night
If that’s what you want me to believe
I still wake up next to you
So, I’ll believe

Two bears were so in love
Tasted the best of honey
They slept together in this cave
Body huddled close to body
Which almost looked like one giant bear
And they raised two beautiful cubs
They had beautiful brown fur
The kind you’d like to tussle
But being bears
You really wouldn’t want to do that

Men came one day
Carrying what looked like
Big brown and silver tipped sticks
They wore bright orange vests and hats
Seemed almost comically from bears eyes
far from humor

The men’s eyes rested on the bears
First they seemed amazed at this sight
Then they raised their sticks to their heads
Pointed them at the bears
Almost as if to say,
“I’ve been looking for you.”

Loud bursts in the forest
Made birds flee from their nests
The bears ran
Multiple beads cutting through fur
Through flesh
Made them pour out red
Confusion and fear

The two cubs quickly fell
Then the female
The male bear ran
Exhaustion covered up with scars
He crawled back into his cave
Tried to sleep but he was cold and scared

So he told himself
I’m going to sleep for months, years
Perhaps a lifetime
Because I’ve seen what this world brings
So,
He slept

How did we ever come to this conclusion
That the human *****
The Heart
Is associated with the feeling of love

Why not the brain
Because a series of situations must fall into place in order for us to fall in love
We need to understand we are in love
It’s like a process
We have to meet our soul mate
We have to take them out
Spend a significant amount of money on them
To let them know they matter significantly in our lives
You see our brain has to break these things down
Back down a single molecule

We have to understand that we are drawn to this person
For some unknown reason, divine intervention perhaps
When we think about the one we love we get happy
I feel this in my head
Not in my chest

Then when you didn’t return my love
I thought about it with my brain and came to the conclusion that I was sad
That’s when I understood that love come from the heart too
Because when you left, it literally felt like my heart dropped
I didn’t get that sensation in my head
I felt that one in my chest

In a dream I could
Be walking in a hallway
Then be politely greeted
By a giant green giraffe

Or on a boat
On the sea
This is filled with
Small fetuses and catastrophe

They don’t make much sense
Yet other say they do…
I can’t think of the last time
I’ve ever been on a boat
Or for that matter…
Seen a green giraffe

You’re at that point
Where you’re stirring in your sleep
Then just as the dream gets good
You wake up to the sound of nothing

Dreaming makes poets write
It gives 8year old boys a goal
And they make others upset...

While..
I look at them like a story
And each sleep, a chapter

Then I try and put them all together
Just so I can look
At the crazy adventure
That I never had

Why are you here
What is your importance
How were you created
Does it feel emotions
Is it excited that I’m here
He recognizes that I’m living
And that I can interact
Having something else to interact with
I think that makes him happy

He’s running
From the back of his cage
To his wheel
And then he returns to the feed
That’s all we’re doing
Except our idea of a “cage”
Is much larger

He scratches out of the cage
For what looked like a corn nugget
I picked it up and gave it to his hands
And he took it
Sat and ate

I just helped that animal
It couldn’t reach the nugget
And that made him sad
Because it’s something he can usually get
But when it’s out of his reach
His internal cycle missteps
Causing him to break down

He jumped on the side of the cage
Revealing his genitals
Shaking them is somewhat of a snooty fashion
Does he know what humor is
It doesn’t have cognitive thinking
It can’t decide for itself
Why did it do that
For what purpose
What is driving this animal to do anything at all
What is the significance of its existence


How were you made
What the hell are you
Humor, sadness, joy
Can it feel all emotions
It’s so basic
So simple
Does he only feel one emotion
One emotion
All the time
I am such a complex human being
I can’t even image a life
An existence
Where I only have one emotion

And that’s what makes us special
And that’s what makes us human

From one hundred and fifty miles away
You drilled a ***** into my head
These simple encounters collaborated together
And they built an emotion
It was sculpted from past events:
Driving around in your car listening to angsty teenage punk rock music
Everyone looked at us with a face that stated, “They don’t belong here”.
Showing me around your town. Knowing that where I was standing on Main Street,
You stood in that same exact spot ten years ago.
Sitting on your couch watching funny videos on youtube. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn’t wasting my time.
With you watching lighting bugs illuminate their ***** over the corn. Made me realize that you live in Nebraska. And I am happy I live here too.
Midnight. At the golf course. We got lost in stars and found a perfect spot on a bench donated by the “Rodriguez Family”.  If that bench wasn’t there, we wouldn’t had a perfect view, which is why I’m so ******* thankful for the Rodriguez Family.
I should’ve been paying more attention to the road because it was so dark but, looking at the stars and creating constellations from the words that you said to me sounded like a greater idea.
I could just hear this voice, screaming within my rib-cage.
It didn’t know what to scream because it’s never felt this till…

NOW….you don’t even hear it…

No, it’s still there…she just chose to forget
In this stage of solitude, I did some research…

[luhv] noun, verb,
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
To have love or affection; be in love
_

There’s a monster in my room
It has sharp teeth
And it’s taller than my dad
He switches between under my bed
And closet in the corner
My dad checks both places
But doesn’t find anything
My mom says her good night kisses will protect me
Sometimes they work
But I still see him
I don’t know if he’s waiting to come after me
Or for me to come after him

Sometimes you have to do things
That you don’t want to
Like talk to a monster
You gotta grow up from the legos
The superhero action figures
And become a super hero yourself
Because
Super heroes can talk to monsters
The worst thing that could happen
Would be me getting eaten
Which would be sad…
But I already told that blonde girl
Who sits behind me in at school
That I thought she was cute in a note I passed her
I’m happy I got that out of the way

I see the monster
It’s looking and showing its teeth
But now there’s only one thing left to do
I’m gonna put on my cape and mask
Become a super hero
And face it
And be brave

Roll down the car window
And stick your hand out

This is all life is
Multiple things rushing passed
Our bodies
You can’t really catch it
But you can ride the feeling
And…
Yeah, it feels pretty good

Kind of like an acoustic guitar
That makes you smile
When it’s sunny outside
Perfect day on the lake
Let’s go

What drives our bodies
Where do we exactly find “motivation”
And in turn how do we translate it
I don’t really want to wait forever
To find out what I’m meant to do

You see, I come with a manual
But like most people
I’m too stubborn to even read it myself
Life doesn’t have instructions
So therefore
Nor should I

Roll down the car window
And stick your hand out

When praying mantises mate
They mate for life
The male dies

We’ve never made love
I want it in the most cliché form possible
To be special
Like if I made a time line of my life
I’d put an important thick hash mark
On the date in time where we got lost

The female mantis is always bigger
That’s how I feel, believe me this is no fat joke
But I think of you as this big important part of my life
So often times, I seem small

I want you to remember it
So if we don’t work out
And you meet someone else
It’s difficult to think about
But when you two have ***
I want you to break up with him soon after
And come back to me and say
“I didn’t feel special”

After praying mantises mate
The female quickly eats the male
****** cannibalism

That’s how special I want it
I want you to devour me
I want this to be the last act
I do as a living human being
Loving you

if I
never drove those roads
Answered the late-night phone calls
Sat and watched the stars
Just to feel human again
Or took walks at night
Just so our footsteps would match

If I
never sat up worried at night
Because somebody wasn’t okay

If I
never played my guitar for you
I wouldn’t think about you every time I play it
Where you sat
What you said to me when I was done
It escapes my mind how something
Can just crumble and fall to the ground

It’s laughable now but
If I
never fell asleep
Well of course I’d be tired
But I’d still be sane
You’re within my sight
When I close my eyes
When I turn off the light

“If” is a word that makes us think
About the past
And what could’ve happened
What would’ve
Or what should’ve happened
If a “if” was a wish
And a wish was a want
And a want was a need
Then I could dream happily
Only if…

I shook hands with God

We made the ocean warm and cold
The waves crash like lightning
Earth rose from the sea
Jagged peaks and flat fields
Tree roots ***** into the dirt; fixated
Spreading branches like arms
dropping leaves like tears
Changing colors like emotions
We were wild man
We made this world
We had fun

Puzzle pieces of beasts
fur, feathers and stone
Some took to the sky
Others laid on the oceans bottom
And a man, adam, who ruled them all
We looked from above
Amazed how they grew
God didn't see euphoria in me
So when i wasn't looking
...so he decided to make you

And you were beautiful
On the 7th day god rested...
But we danced
We jumped on the moon
Laid in craters
I poked my fingers through
this deep black sheet of nothingness
Illuminated bright white light
I called them stars

We jumped
Fell fast from the sky
Wind through our hair
Wind through our bodies
Deep breath in, lungs filled with life
I let out everything I could
And we stopped so softly
upon a mountain of air
Holding hands floating through waves
I called them clouds
We were wild man
I made a world for you...with you

...and God gave you free will
Even though i made things
You chose to leave
dropped you down from heaven
so you could be yourself
God said you and Adam were perfect
I had to agree....

God wasn't looking
I took the form of a serpent
Tricked you and Adam with fruit
Opened your mind like you opened mine
God threw you out of Perfection
Making you and Adam roam the world
Nothing you grew would produce
But you were
.....together

God kept me in this shape
To Always crawl on my belly so you can step on my head
I told him i needed a home
He said, "Lucifer, I give you fire!"
...and here i am
With millions of other people
Who got scared because they lost control
We chose this fire

I shook hands with God Today

You see,
What I hear is loud music
But if you turn it down this house is filled
With conversation and laughter
When you take that away
You can almost feel the good vibes
Weave themselves in-between connecting rooms

I’m coming down from my high
But the drink in my palm will pick me back up
And If that doesn’t work
Then I’m just happy to be where I am

Flashes in the corner
People holding on to memories
Still portraits of how they’re feeling at this very moment
It’ll be something fun to look at in five years

If you carry a party foul attitude when you walk in
Might as well slap and kick yourself out
There’s no room for that amongst friends
There are so many people in the world
And if everyone acted as such…
Then we really wouldn’t get that far

So come on in
Think of that welcome mat
As a hug
Instead of something you wipe your feet on

The front door
Is a high-five or a handshake
From a good friend you haven’t seen in awhile

Oh my God
Yes
There it is
A signal of hope
For all hungry travelers
Those golden arches
Beaming within the night air

It’s enough to make those weak of heart cry
Burst into joyful tears
Open at 2 o’ clock?
They must’ve known we were coming
Thank you, for the all night drive through
Pupils glazed like donuts
Donuts donuts donuts
McDonalds should serve donuts
Back on track
Big mac
Impending heart attack
The pit that is my stomach
Cannot be satisfied
Throw in about
Five McDoubles
Chick nuggets
And fries….
Mountains upon mountains of fries…

Excuse me,
I need to fall asleep now

Light the match
Against the side of my jeans
Let me see your face with
Darkness pouring around

I see how long this match is
Time breathes in seconds

I remember the eyes
Green like you’re excited to go on an adventure
Make note the smile
It feels like I have plenty matches inside me
I am burning from this slow radiant smile
Feel the hair across my arm
Breathing into my shoulder like you were
Transferring what oxygen you had left into me

The match is going out
You’ll vanish into darkness
I want to pour out that warm radiance you filled me with
Let it spew all over and ignite me
Burn fabric and flesh
Lighting the way for you
In this dark lonely dungeon
To me
I am a match
The sight of you struck me so quick
I sparkled for a moment
Then burned

This is a very difficult thing to say. I’ve never had these words fall out of my mouth before so, don’t think I’m odd, strange, creepy or anything like that. Okay..phew..here it goes..
I fell in love with a mascot

A year ago our High schools played each other in football
And I didn’t know it back then but
I saw a wolf doing cart-wheels 50 yards away and I thought
It was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen
To be honest, I thought it’d be a guy
Not to be sexist or anything but it never occurred to me
That the physical manifestation of beauty could find itself
Wrapped up inside the costume of a wolf
Your school won
And I figured that was a metaphor for how you took my heart
When you pulled off the wolf head
Slid brown hair away from your face
And batted eyelids at me like you were shooting guns
Bulls eye

Lead the crowd to cheer
Your motivation is like a beam of light in this dark 20th century stadium
I just want you to be around as long as possible
I wished the game went into triple overtime

If I learned anything that day it was courage
Because I asked a wolf
For her number