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15.9k · Jul 2012
Tubular Boobs
Joe Jul 2012
I've never been a boobtube man
On me or on others
Stand up against these tubular *****
My sisters and brothers
2.3k · Jan 2012
You Are...
Joe Jan 2012
You are a poet lacking poetry
A composer who never penned a symphony
A clown plagued by misery
A broadcast not shown on T.V

A duck pond missing mallard mates
A panda without panda traits
A perfectionist who makes mistakes
A pacifist who fights and hates
_
2.1k · Aug 2012
On Dartmoor
Joe Aug 2012
Poorly built Jenga towers
Polka-dot the moor
The cows and sheep, for centuries
Have wondered what they're for

Perhaps they're ancient ladders
Leading straight to heaven
But the last young lamb to try it
Fell down and smashed his head in

The cows tried them as markers
To work out where they are
But in their field that's useless
As they never travel far
1.9k · Jan 2012
Scissors
Joe Jan 2012
The word springs from my mouth
Lips part just like blades
Tongue bounces north then south

Scissors was the first word
My infantile-self uttered
Since that day, my vocab
Has grown increasingly cluttered

Using my favoured blades
I resign to cut a few
But Scissors, sacred Scissors
I shall never sever you
1.6k · Aug 2019
Gorilla Gardening
Joe Aug 2019
I met a gorilla
Gardener
In a jungle
Of native species

She kept her oxeye
Daisy on me the whole time

A cowslips past unnoticed
By the blush red columbine

Lily of the valley was
Sporting a fox’s glove

The cornflower and the cardinal
Seek guidance from above

A swamp of soured milk weeds
Seeps past your eyes

The firmly rooted ragged robin
Looks up awestruck at the skies

The bergamot was wild
Running circles round the yarrow

Black eyed Susan moped along
With her bluebell filled wheelbarrow

Good dogwood sets paw after paw
Creeping through the common nettle

As lance-leaved coreopsis
Charges in to test his mettle

I left a gorilla
Gardening
In a jungle
Of native species
1.6k · Jan 2012
Acka-Acka-Acks
Joe Jan 2012
When something snaps
The ****** all bolt
Dogs out the traps
We all collapse
Down the plughole
Like turned on taps
Jaded expats
Bourbon, poker
All throw craps
Black top hats
Line the road
Like mourning bats
Marital spats
Crystal prisms
Where love refracts
Wear navy slacks
Stare out to sea
As mars attacks
Nightmares hide facts
Flattened like focaccia
Under fifteen all-blacks
Fuss over Goldman sachs
You know we only blink
When it's the shirt on our backs
1.6k · Jul 2014
Imaginary Circus
Joe Jul 2014
Pablo went to the circus
The lithographs give it away
Unless of course
He had the knack
Of producing a place from scratch
An imaginary circus

The positive and negative space
Silhouette circus
Of hoops and bears
Gymnasts on chairs
The blank faced audience


He also did ******* bullfights
In 1946
His blood splattered face leering
Over his lithography
1.5k · Apr 2012
Bodhi trees
Joe Apr 2012
I stand at the altar
Of a red brick Victorian
Baptist Church

Kneel at Namas
With my brothers for Salah
In the Mosque

Follow flags to
The Gurdwara
  Amrit Sanchar*


Everyone has their bodhi tree
I carry mine with me

-
Seated in a building
Singing songs
To an all knowing deity
Some hold arms aloft
Awaiting heavenly high fives
Others shuffle feet uneasily

It's time for the alternative sermon
Where we air all the doubts
Where hushed voices sweet singing
Make way for swearing and shouts
1.5k · Jan 2012
All the World's a Fruit-bowl
Joe Jan 2012
The Pear,
Armed with scissors
And glue
Settled down to
His task

The Apples,
Glared disapprovingly
Coxes have no time
For arts
And crafts

The Bananas,
Thought the whole
Affair was beneath them
They thought
Too much

The Kiwis,
Were green with envy
At such freedoms
Desire, bursting
Through brown coats

The Grapes,
Clung to each other
Fearful, by nature
At the concept
Of life beyond
The Fruit-bowl
1.3k · Feb 2012
Juniper Taste
Joe Feb 2012
There are two unfinished gins
By our bedside
The night took us
And made us forget

I reach out to quench thirst
In the morning
The juniper taste of regret

I watch you while you're sleeping
I listen to you breathe
You'll wake up and leave soon
Then it's back to the distillery

There's just one unfinished
By my bedside
The night's over
You fell through the net

I reach out to quench thirst
In the morning
The juniper taste of regret
1.2k · May 2013
The Hedgetrackers
Joe May 2013
There is an elusive group of creatures
Seldom spoken of by sensitive souls
Lining railway tracks as far as they stretch
Hiding in hedges, dashing down holes

All it takes is patience
An ounce of imagination
From Taunton up to Stoke-on-Trent
One can be spotted between every station

The Hedgetracker is spotted
Silver eyes glow in the green
Though most keep sightings to themselves
As to be believed they must be seen

Hedgetrackers should not be feared
They're neither vicious nor malign
They just want to keep their peaceful lives
Of watching trains fly down the line
1.2k · Jan 2019
Limericks for Betty
Joe Jan 2019
There was once a young girl named Betty
Who watched the boats sail from her jetty
She sometimes got wet
Splashed by a fisherman’s net
That soggy little sailor our Betty
——————————————-
The intrepid explorer known as Betty
Set off in search of the yeti
She looked high and low
With Lucy and Joe
Then showered the beast with confetti
——————————————
Cooking up a storm with Betty
Her speciality is scrumptious spaghetti
We’ll wolf it all down
She’ll feed half the town
Then wash it down with a Birra Moretti
——————————————-
Have you seen that beauty called Betty?
It was love just as soon as she met me
A head of silk hair
An inquisitive stare
I would eat her if only she’d let me
1.1k · Mar 2012
Giraffa Camelopardalis
Joe Mar 2012
When I dream at night
             which is usually, although
Not exclusively
             when I tend to dream

There is always a giraffe
              at my side
His name is Rothschild

I thought you should know.
1.1k · Jan 2012
Love Triangle
Joe Jan 2012
Mr and Mrs were in love
It had been so for years
Still every time he came home drunk
He reduced his love to tears

The rule of a love triangle
Is somebody must lose
This household was no different
Mr , Mrs or the *****
1.0k · Feb 2012
Button-marked Thumbs
Joe Feb 2012
A posse of cronies
With button-marked thumbs
Were part of a ring
Of cyberspace chums

With crimson-lined eyes
They played night and day
Till some solemn stranger
Took their machines away

The stranger stole through the dark
Before they, could awake
To tip their technology
Into a lake

The groups sleep-rested eyes
Opened to see
The redundant space
Where gizmos should be

Some shouted, some cried
Some just couldn't speak
They rose from their beds
Confused and knees weak

Once clothed and clean
And breakfast was through
One cry could be heard
'Now what do we do?'
1.0k · Dec 2019
A cruel landslide
Joe Dec 2019
A conveyor belt
Of pressed blue suits
In every one a snide

We cannot let
All hope be crushed
By a cruel landslide

All those fearful
Little Englanders
Primed with nationalistic pride

We must not let
All hope be crushed
By a cruel landslide

The delusional deniers
Scoff at the
Rising plastic tide

We shall not let
All hope be crushed
By a cruel landslide
996 · May 2013
Marc Bolan Record
Joe May 2013
We argued over that Marc Bolan record
That I knew wasn’t mine anyway
We argued over that Marc Bolan record
It’s my demented way of passing the day

I love to see the lines on your forehead appear
They run so incredibly deep
I love to see the lines on your forehead, my dear
When you’ve got the bit between your teeth

So when I hear ride a white swan
I can’t help but think of your face
Fighting your corner for T.Rex
That cosmic dancer in outer space
Joe Jan 2012
The young boy looked puzzled
Sat slumped in the car
A day trip to Grandma's
Roadsign : Not far

To his curious child's question
No answer replied
This proud, Grey Englishman
Watched chevrons, sighed
962 · Jan 2012
Salvation from Convention
Joe Jan 2012
People pray for their mortal life's extension
Others for peace, for hate and wars prevention
Some atone for sins too dark to mention
Me? I pray for salvation from convention

People pray in aid of middle eastern tension
Others for freedom, no more Guantanamo detention
Selfish suits pray for the latest invention
Me? I pray for salvation from convention

People pray for the safeguard of their pension
Others for good, for evil's condemnation
Some pray for forgiveness for an earlier conversation
Me? I've lost faith
944 · Feb 2012
Scareports
Joe Feb 2012
Check: passport, ticket,
Boarding card, gate
WAIT

Lose ticket, find passport
Boarding card, gate
WAIT

Browse duty free
You neither need nor want
'Best Offers'
Printed in seven foot font

Reflect on adventures
Sights freshly seen
Sit on scareport seats
Hung head
Quarantine

Lost passport, ticket
No boarding card nor gate
Flight still delayed
Four Hour
WAIT
893 · May 2013
I am
Joe May 2013
A young, fairly attractive
Woman mouths
The words to the
Latest chart entry

She thinks no one is watching
I am

A balding, middle aged
Man picks
So aggressively as to
Carve a new nostril

He thinks no one is watching
I am

Sat in the Car
With time on my hands
Joe Jun 2013
The breakfast massacre of '95
I was young and naive
I was fresh-faced and alive

I cracked open my egg
Was about to let loose
When my soldiers arose
And marched past the juice

Down over the tablecloth
Straight on from hot tea
My buttery battalion were
Heading for me

The breakfast massacre  of '95
I was bruised and battered
I was barely alive
844 · Jul 2012
No Sweeter Sin
Joe Jul 2012
Parma became violent
She threw her weight
Around

Bertie cowered
Hunched shoulders, eyes straight
Down

Parma pounded, pummeled
Bert's soft head fell
In

It takes allsorts
Bert's final thought
There is no sweeter sin
753 · Jul 2014
Juicebox
Joe Jul 2014
The child in the the gallery cafe
Was underwhelmed by her
'Children's Lunchbox'

She sneered peeling wafer thin
Ham out from between bleach
White bread

Stares despairingly at the
Cardboard, itself adorned with
Animal iconography for her
Enjoyment

She feels patronised and no
Longer hungry
Pushing both the apple and juice
Box tumbling to the floor
She makes for the door
Her mother still unaware
I have a duty to alert her
But I just watch
She bursts out onto the
Street as I reach for her
Juicebox
752 · Jan 2012
Cul-de-sac Chronicles
Joe Jan 2012
A new arrival sends him itching
To drag open the drapes his fingers are twitching
He benchmarks the day as they come and they go
From window-framed photos
Stories of his own

Relays the album, day after day
Till the thought becomes fact, he can’t shoo away
It bothers him and blights him
The ****** won’t quit
Till he retakes his throne at the curtain slit
748 · Jul 2014
Part Time Poet
Joe Jul 2014
I watched the part time poet
Warble

I watched the part time poet
Drone

I watched the part time poet
Get the **** off his chest

I watched the part time poet
Walk home

I watched the part time poet
Greet his wife

I watched the part time poet
Undress

I watched the part time poet
Pour a glass of wine

I watched the part time poet
De-stress

I watched the part time poet
Close the curtains

I hear the part time poet
Call the feds

The part time poet seems
Somewhat displeased

Officers, there's a part time poet
In my flowers beds

The uniformed man who handles me
Is a part time poet too

Now I can go full time
Got enough on my hands
At least two hundred yards
From you
715 · Apr 2012
The Knowall Know Nowt
Joe Apr 2012
Fill my mind with ideas, ideals

Epiphanies or banana peels

Push my back with a helping hand
Grace my cheek with fist
A sponge, I soak up everything
Assassinate me or assist  

My ears are always open
Though do not always understand
I must hear every argument
To grasp that helping hand

Fill my mind with ideas, ideals

Epiphanies or banana peels

Ignorance is bliss
How often it's been stated
Though I'd prefer to know everything
As bliss is overrated
710 · Jan 2012
I love you, Santa
Joe Jan 2012
I, dressed in the shade of an overdue bill
Sat with my sack and a hat with white frill
Awe on small faces as they all filed in
Fake white hair on my lip above a beaming grin

William was his name, thin and pale
With eyes so wide from watching bread turn stale
As I called out his name and pulled out a box
He shook and came forward, black shoes, white socks

Merry Christmas, I boomed , I hear you’ve been a good boy
Inside this box hides a fantastic toy
He took the gift from me, staring in awe
He leant in to my ear, on tiptoe, heels leaving the floor

‘I love you Santa’ he whispered
702 · Apr 2018
St George’s park
Joe Apr 2018
Prehistoric seabirds soar
in an inner city park
Young mums frame a Victorian lake
No doubt it changes after dark

Pink noses
Pleasant roses
Water hoses
Reeds part revealing Moses

St George never visited
Only his name
The English patriots bombard
The land from which he came

But let’s leave the politics out of the park
On a sunny day.
682 · Mar 2012
The Chosen Tree
Joe Mar 2012
There once stood a tall tree
A fine tree
There were many trees surrounding him
But this seemed a proud and worthy tree

Adam produced a key
On choosing his spot
Proceeded to inscribe
A 4 E
The fine tree shrugged off the scratches
Then lurched to see
How incredibly honoured felt
The chosen tree

Till one day came men
With blades bigger than keys
Who spat on the ground
And felled all the trees

The chosen tree tumbled
The inscription no more
Now his remnants lie packed
In a box marked
A4
668 · Jul 2014
Pens and Ants
Joe Jul 2014
Enid turned her wheels
A red flash through
Luscious green
Across the wall of corns

In what felt like
No time at all
The gabble reconvened
Inside the hessian on bread street

Taiyo and Darcy
Evoked the Spanish coast
Fresh faces following
More mature fingers

Frankie and Debs
Move us from Spanish shores
To Antarctica, with penguins
Brian and David

Then comes 'The Man'
Four men , four beautiful men
To play us out and
We don't stand a chance with them now
651 · Jun 2013
Parental Guidance
Joe Jun 2013
The was a young boy
Who was terribly fat
He ate all he could find
Including the cat

That horrific act
Heralded by a wail
From the greedy boy's mouth
Protruded a tail

Oh no poor *****
How awfully sad
'Listen here my boy
You're making me mad'

But as the boy's father
Shouted and spat
A space was appearing
Right next to the cat

The lads mouth was wet
His belly a-rumble
Now was the time
For dead daddy crumble
616 · Jul 2012
Two young Americans
Joe Jul 2012
Two young Americans
Sit before me on a train
Discussing their fathers fashion taste

How did this conversation start?
Is there any way I can interfere
To halt it?

A woman runs full pelt past my left-hand window
The doors shut, she gazes through the pane, as we
Move off- wet eyed, gutted

I try to express with my dry eyes, sorry eyebrows
That she has been saved from a fate
Worse than a quiet platform
600 · Jun 2012
Untitled
Joe Jun 2012
The air is taut
It snaps and crackles
Surrounded by a crowd of jackals

No one knew still no one knows
From where this ****** Ivy grows

Through the keyhole up the wall
By Thursday it was ten feet tall

No one knows still no one knew
From where this ****** Ivy grew

The air pulls tight
Thick Ivy shackles
Enter in the crowd of jackals
594 · Sep 2014
Laish
Joe Sep 2014
The man in the mustard shirt
Stares through the crowd
Showering them with
Well measured words
And sardonic smiles

Proped up by his lady in red
I wish he'd let her sing more
If I saw him in the pub
Tightly knit curls
Resting on his pronounced brow

If I saw him in the pub
I'd allow him to purchase
One half of pale ale for me
He can do what he likes
With the other half
-

Patrick Lawrence was too late for the H and M super sale
He ended up with a turquoise shirt and sunblushed salmon chino
Combination which doesn't work on myriad levels

He played the bass though
Redeeming himself through the medium of song
He is almost forgiven
577 · Feb 2012
Lucian
Joe Feb 2012
Lucian ,



The unfinished dog

The torn chesterfield

View of the sky

Stillness of age

The running tap

The scattered rags



Lucian                                         Perverse

                           Lucian                                                              Abandoned
524 · Jul 2014
Garish Marilyns
Joe Jul 2014
The Garish Marilyns
Do nothing for me
The pinks
The greens
Obscene sweet wrappers

A level art students pour in like
Fresh fish hauls
They stare reverentially at the
Garish Marilyns
They have seen a thousand times before
On poorly made t-shirts
They use words like iconic
I rustle my sweet papers they
Glance over but my plain face
Only distracts them momentarily
From the gaze of yet another
Garish Marilyn
523 · Sep 2014
Not Pavement
Joe Sep 2014
It's Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks
Not Pavement
There are no roads here

We don't need roads where
We're going

You got what you want
You want what you got

I've spent some time of late
With a poor impressionist
Although his impression on me
Was kinder than on most

It's Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks
Not Pavement
There are no roads here

Roads are so straight
So Roman
The empire fell
The Pavement rendered redundant

It's Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks
Not Pavement
520 · Aug 2017
Neil Heaven
Joe Aug 2017
The origins of our hero
Neil Heaven
Is a tale that
following in the footsteps of a great many tales
Has been whispered and shouted
Twisted and doubted
Far too many times to mean much of anything anymore

This much I can confidently state as fact
Neil Heaven is a cat
Neil Heaven is the cat.

Neil Heaven was once so overwhelmingly chill
He slippped into such a
Dazed state complete with
Contented drooling smile
That concerned
Botanical garden staff felt compelled
To contact a feline psychotherapist
Who was able to assure everyone that
Neil Heaven
Was far from unwell
He was in fact
Wellness itself

Wellness catsonified.


Neil Heaven was once
Headhunted by the dogs
But politely declined
Reportedly stating
'All creatures are equal in the eyes of
Neil Heaven
I must respectfully decline but
Am ever so flattered by your
Interest'

Chatting to my pal
Neil Heaven
Recently
It came out he'd never
Seen the internet and
Was unsure exactly what it was for

So I explained that it was access to pretty much the
Collective knowledge of the
human race
Neil Heaven smiled gracefully
Turning to leave purrs
'But I already have that'

Neil Heaven
Takes an annual tour
of the vineyards at Châteauneuf-du-Pape
To share the fruits
Of his gifts in the field of oenology.
516 · Aug 2017
As thick as biscuits
Joe Aug 2017
Death hung in the air
As thick as biscuits

The milliner went
Mad as a hatter
Exhausted from playing the field
Spin bowler and batter

And death hung in the air
As thick as biscuits

The baker excels
At idle chatter
Drinking pints of cream
Pink buns by the platter

And death hung in the air
As thick as biscuits

The banker needs
Needs someone to flatter
A strict rotation of ties
The same old patter

And death hung in the air
As thick as biscuits
501 · Jul 2014
There is only Matisse
Joe Jul 2014
Sat in a room with Henri Matisse
You must have many questions for me
I said
Henri smiled

At that very moment    snap      -Gyula Halasz-
His Hungarian walked in
I dropped my tea
She dropped her dress

Henri drew
I drew a blank
'All things considered there is only Matisse'

P.P
Joe Aug 2017
It's a con man
With a small c
Armed with a masterplan
There's no such thing as society

Keep your nose clean
Keep your eyes peeled
Slip out of the streets
Into the fields of wheat

Roy Melville Wiggins
Takes his seat
A place reserved
Before his birth

No need to question
Just repeat
The well deserved
Assumed self worth

On Terry's strong and stable
Dinghy all at sea

Hearts turn hard
Heads gone soft
Lets sail away at any cost

On Terry's strong and stable
Dinghy all at sea

Who brought the map?
Oh Roy shut yer trap

On Terry's strong and stable
Dinghy all at sea
435 · Sep 2017
Je m'en bats
Joe Sep 2017
Á tort et á travers

Appeler un chat, un chat
Attraper le cou

Terne
Le pigeon
J'etais le pigeon

Juppe á été le pigeon de Chirac chat
Faire le malin

Pupil
M'a posé un question

Lacune .Lit
La raquette
Le racket
Bat paddle

Je m'en bats les couilles
426 · Feb 2018
L.S Lowry
Joe Feb 2018
Laurence Stephen feeling lowly
Lonely as the sea
Sits watching the matchstick crowds go by

He isn't going to the match
Or the mill

He's in his back room
With imagined ladies and Bellini
413 · Aug 2017
Jean and Ted
Joe Aug 2017
Ted took off
Propelled up up up and
away

He left Jean making loose leaf tea
A garden of neat lawns
Vibrant roses
A bottle hidden in a cupboard
A perfectly parked car

He and his boys were once asked
To turn their backs, avert their eyes
While atomic bombs were tested

Jean sold ice creams
At the pictures

Ted took her dancing
They never stopped
395 · Jul 2023
Untitled
Joe Jul 2023
Just standing there
Without a chair in the world
362 · Sep 2017
Flatulist
Joe Sep 2017
Breathing, imagining
All those other lungs
Those nitrogen and oxygen molecules
Have visited before they enter mine

Joseph Pujol
Star attraction
Moulin bouge
19th century French flatulist
Trumpet
La marseillaise
Bottom

Devil's bargain
Genuinely eerie
Ultra casual language
Hilltop finca in southern Spain
Predictably their love life
Soon turns sour
359 · Dec 2017
Tokyo
Joe Dec 2017
Everyone in this city looks tired
There's a policeman in white gloves
A whistle clamped tight between his lips
He's not afraid to use
He is flapping in my direction
I give an apologetic grimace
For the many crimes I have
Apparently just committed and
Speed off into a crowd of tired tokyoites
357 · Sep 2017
Zoo
Joe Sep 2017
Zoo
Two beaten baboons
Cling to each other
His dear wives

Kids flinch
Cross banana fingers
Hope for the best

Flamingos are shallow as ****

'How do lions go?'
'Rrrrah'
'See him in the corner
Shall we go to the shop
And buy one'

The last time I was
At the zoo
I contracted
   Ragworm

Regal tangs
In aquariums
Across the globe
Are sick to the back gills
Of being called Dory
By over excited children

S
Lucy really wants to eat a mountain chicken frog
Lucy would touch that croc's
Xylophone tail
No issues
Lucy doesn't reckon
I could pass
As a zoologist
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