Thinking about the dead makes me feel so alive
The world filled with ashes
We return them to the ground
To be the dirt humanity uses
Every man plays his part in the end

Useful on earth

Useful in earth

Why do we cage birds
If their purpose is flight?

We need to move
We need to start a fire
We need to get famous
We need to feel things before it's too late

Sad songs and words make me feel safe

because


there is always an underlying tragedy to the happiest lyrics

but there is always hope in a song about tragedy


I would rather find hope than fill my face with a smile until the next time I cry

Time heals all wounds, cuts, bruises, broken bones, organs (specifically hearts)

Time heals all of these with a force called love (tolerance)
Medicine (alcohol)
Prescriptions from your loved ones ("just get over it already")
Or
("Find someone else")

Time pushes decisions on you
Do we fight for the past?
Do we fight in regret's slow growing army?
Do we only go down fists clenched?
Or
Do we waste away?
Do I sit along the shore ( bedrooms, basements, classrooms, places I spend most time) and overlook my pretty little shells ( the best people in my life)
Waiting for the shell I threw back (you)
To wash up once again

After all there are so many shells in the sea
And so many shores

This fire is awful
And I'm starting to chill
And I will never be satisfied
Unless I am safe

The coals are hot
And we will trust
And he would love her more
If she would have let him in

Damage is inevitable
And I want to be music
And they will never know
Until I explain

I am part of an existence comprised of life and death. I am part of an existence that I can’t wrap my head around. I am inside of a world no one wants to understand. I am using language as a tool to clear my head. I am living a life that could easily be a lie. But what really is a lie if each one of us will die. I am a recycled particle of everything that has been. This universe is a blender in God’s kitchen. Maps are dishonest. And I am honestly losing my mind.

a hollowed attempt at understanding
crowned with a rosary
and clothed in ignorance

hiding in the word of God
weeping for Eve
triumphant with David
she alludes herself to be living

if we all made her decisions
no one would be living
and we would find ourselves
forgetting about the sky

how apocalyptic to forget about the sky

if everything stems from chaos
then what will we produce?

There are several ways
to cross over to the other side

HUMANS
we spend our existence
disagreeing on what
the other side contains

~FACT~
we all have to go anyway

we all will find out

like an impatient kid
that demands
i want it now
we are too impatient
to wait and see

the universe's ultimate surprise

climbing drown the rusty fire escape
from your mind into your heart

i see the chords
for a song
on the slide guitar

and crumpled papers
of all of the words you had
meant to deliver to me

you threw them away
because they had expired

i see the fibrous edges
of your hollow insides
fraying
from the words
your saintly mother
punishes you with

because

to improve ones self is to improve for God

but your heart
sprouted with new growth
on that warm spring day

and as we sat behind the wall
overlooking our hometown

we rolled in shells and twigs and grass
and acted like dogs

and in the pale yellow sunlight

i finally saw your heart smile

familiar black confetti fills my mind
small men replace my brain
boasting their invitation to the Anger Party
their strobes brush the insides of my eyes
and make sure to unlock the chaotic thoughts
taking my words and holding my tongue
and painting my face as red as their devil's eyes
once they are done and cleaning up
this swirling vortex escapes through my tears
leaving me to my regrets
hungover, hoping never to see another party again

i feel
a relief
and a new burden

i feel
an ending
and beginning

i feel
panicked
and at ease

i want
a new life
with the good from the old

i want
a fresh brain
since the used one has been scribbled on
doodling your name
over
and over
and over again

i want
the old memories
when we were so new to each other
that the adrenaline kicked in
with every innocent glance

i need you

to be flexible
and new
and awake
and aware

please be ready

because i'm not ready to sit on this plateau
and pick the grass with you
because you have so much love to spend
and i need you

now lets journey

our first night together
it was chilly for May
you had your first kiss with her
i was alone

our second night together
it was warm for December
my date couldn't make it
you found me crying in the living room
you asked if I was okay, grabbed a cold beer
and left me to be back in her embrace

our third night together
my date was trapped in his own trouble
i smoked for the first time and watched the pictures move
you gave up smoking for her affection

our fourth night together
my date finally made it
and she was on the other end of your long distance phone call
we sang and danced to all of our favorite songs
i slept in the attic storage
you slept on the kitchen floor

our fifth night together
you returned from your journeys
we drank *** and coke in a basement
i tried to impress you with my aspirations
to move to California and be happy
i tried to convince you i am strong and confident
i tried to convince myself you meant nothing to me

our sixth night together
we kissed by the river
and he found us there
you vomited your guilt out
and we agreed she never had to know

our first night apart
i sang my favorite song
but my voice withered at my favorite line

you couldn't bring the columns down because you never knew they were there

my first night i knew i was truly alone
i cried because of the old couple i saw in the park
and deleted my unanswered drunk texts

i am haunted by these minuscule memories that could never add up to the millions you have with her

i am sorry for ever interrupting you that first night

I have this yearning in my soul for somewhere else
A place where I only need my whispers and your lips
And we stay warm with our bodies
And we write music and cry

But above all we laugh

The world will shake from our laughter
And the oncoming trains

lace eyes
vintage and timeless
stream wild ideas across their filmy surface
beyond then and beyond now

how can one body hold so much innocence
and so much knowledge
like they go hand in hand

pale with a blue cast
she has never once looked cold
her voice grips on to the lingering notes
played by a blues guitarist
and the soft howl of a folk song

she never appears with a message
or reason

she is simply there to make me think

she is a celestial friend

and although it's just a dream

i know she loves me

this is a prayer for the works abandoned

the words never found
and the ones that still hide in my throat

the half written sentences
and the small thoughts buried in tiny caskets
because they died far too young

the potential "i love you's"
and skin touched in passing on a drink

the unfulfilled agendas
severed by fast approaching fate
and murdered by the rate of time

i am not a very religious person

but i continue to pray
for the homeless man
that made shelter under the bridge
and is spat on by the rain
for never striving toward a happy ending

button eyes
button nose
button lips
button girl, your soul, she kindly sips

little drink
brandy more
some is poured
let this girl slowly be your overlord

tie your tie
zip your slacks
comb your hair
a word from her, both will be in underwear

eyelash eye
stick of lip
sweetly curled
her lack of innocence, in front of you, unfurled

eyes of green
fade to red
"I want you now."
takes you all without a single holy vow

cleaning up
done whats done
kiss goodbye
she's already gone to find another oblivious guy

My loss of balance
I blame on evolution

I look around and see smoke
in the air from
pollution
and
my best friend's cigarette

I see different eyes
how they evolved into unique shapes
and how both people
still need to console themselves
with their man made vices

when i'm sober
I can only think of
the strong imprint
of the smell of whiskey
and the plans for its return

so I go find my old hide away
from the days sobriety didn't concern me
and see it surrounded by thorns
and feel it grown into the hillside

As I scrape my ankles
and sacrifice myself to these tiny threats
I wonder if this old clubhouse
represents what happened to me

Am I cruel for the same reason the forest grows thorns?

Though beautiful on the inside, we both want to keep the world out.

****** the ticking of the clock

the passage of time
cannot be in your mind
and if you let it unwind
tracing life down your spine
vertebrae harder to climb

leave me sublime

****** the ticking of the clock

foolish system made by man
as if we have a higher plan
stick to this foolish clan
stick to this foolish clan
condense time in a can

someone extend my lifespan

****** the ticking of the clock

universe in each eye
skeleton hung out to dry
watch this man's bones learn to fly
he inspired us to try
but now he can only goodbye

shame we all have to die

someone PLEASE ****** the ticking of the clock

this morning was humid, mossy, and crowned with a peach color sky

it gave me hope

drunk night upon drunk night

my question to the DJ is


How can I become music?

kind hearted man
why do you try so hard to be simple

i loved you for your innocence
but i know it's chosen ignorance
because if you think too hard
you might learn that everything you know is a lie

your God is the easiest road to travel
rather than tackle the real questions of the universe

you are stuck in your own head

i have dreams where i try to chisel you out
but instead my pecking backfires
and i'm the one left in pieces

you want to do whats easiest
so i'm left alone

sprinting through the dark fields of the world
on my birthday
chasing down nineteen candles without you

i hope to speak to you again
but then what would i say

that your current relationship
makes me feel like an angel
buried alive and forgotten
that i drink
then i call
to hear your voice
but there is nothing to say
i am doomed to dead leaves and empty carousels
i am stuck on one song
the piano is tired of hearing it
and the folds in my throat are tired of singing it
Sundays call for routine
Samson sings my rampant mind to sleep
and David can play to please the Lord
but i will never please you
the way that her tiny hands and heart do
you were everywhere
including my lips
and time will heal all wounds
but instead you left a tattoo
that reads
i ****** up
i still get high from the memories of our eye contact
i know that we could have made it
if we had tried
but you're the balloon that flew away
into a greedy breeze
and you taught my childish heart
that all things are temporary

Everything is so small
Even you and I

You were all of my monumental firsts
And hopefully my endless lasts

Is your best potential love always unrequited?

Its kind of fun to know
I am teetering on the edge of insanity

the language of love held in our eyes
words zoom by
our messages passing each other
on the other side of a divided highway

unnoticed

it's been 33 weeks since our last and first kiss
and i have dreams where all i can do is scream at your girlfriend
but its been 21 weeks since you told me to forget it
and this number counting has become an obsession

piano keys burn my hands
and every dark haired boy could be you
i wonder if its been long enough that you forget what i look like
did you know its been four years since you first made me blush

i clutch to loss like it's something i can fix
but love is a rusted piece of the titanic
93 years tucked in it's death bed
a tragedy so short-lived it's a spectacle

i'll always celebrate the night this love came to life and died
that morning sunrise was the first blow to the bow
you got in a lifeboat with no turning back
i chose to lie in bed until i drowned

i see them embrace
crying
heaving

but i can only thank the moon
for letting me witness this moment

only wanting to hear more
their advice is my will to live

but i can only thank my ears
for letting me hear their lectures

I smell the distinct smell
cold wet grass
and broken teenage hearts

i don't want to thank my nose
because this brings melancholy
but i thank it anyway
because all senses disturbed
build character, right?
  
I feel the warmth of youthful years
slowly freeze over
once these precious frozen memories melt
they evaporate into the present
never to be seen again

so i thank my eyes
for not letting me hold back the pain
i want the world to see
how much i feel
how much i notice
I am one big collage of emotions
now lets put it on display

i see her disregard
the most genuine embrace i could muster
she cries and heaves
and whispers secrets to herself
as if i wouldn't listen

but where was the much needed moonlight

she writes down my advice
like they are her last words
like they could travel back in time
helping her learn life lessons
before it was too late

i hate hearing myself talk and not being heard

i smell her broken mindset
and unwillingness to repair it
i know she is addicted to the pain
through her
physical cuts
and unwillingness to let go emotionally

i thank myself
for holding on to my brown paper package full of hope
because her care package was ripped and spilled
along with her blood
the first time she decided to
never let go of the memory of him

he will be her grudge forever

i see the other two
caring for the broken one
who only wants to break
the word "them"

i admire their willingness
to give up a relationship
to drown in her pledge
to numb herself or get what she wants

and when they left
and talked in secret
about a fantasy first kiss

i talked her off the ledge
and into her warm bed

sure we were all intoxicated
but every raw emotion was on display that night

i am the one who knows that
this situation happened because
teenage love is ****** up

i am the only one who remembers that night as a whole

i am the keeper of these emotions and events

i am the witness of the truth

as much as i try
i cannot plan euphoric moments

things that went unplanned:

light trails and dance dresses
uniqueness found in a flood of people
hope that goodbyes will linger on
palm trees in the palm of your hand
lake eyes and tan laughter
discovering we were running for no purpose
and reminiscing barefoot nights in the trees
coughing up regretful truth
waking up on the ashy grey carpet
yet still hunting for bears
smoke and animals and faint music
letting the boiler burn and not feeling any pain
adopting gourds and playing pretend
because that's everything we can do in this life
and now i hope to never plan again

You can tell how much you love someone by their hands and how well you hold them.

You can tell how much you love someone by the numbness in your brain and the tides in your chest.

You can tell how much you love someone when your favorite color is their eyes and your favorite place is their atmosphere.

You can tell how much you love someone by the conversations you hold when they aren't even there.

You can tell how much you love someone when their last touch stains your skin blue until the next.

Spots become sacred.
Your body becomes new again.
Love seems to make the rest of the world irrelevant.

But the danger of love is the loss of it.

Once love is gone, not only is the world irrelevant but it becomes cruel.
And this cruel world will eat you up until you find another source of love.

You need blue stains and hearts made of the ocean's tides to keep yourself sane.
You need their eyes and words to make you crazy again.

You need love.