i miss the way you used to kiss my hands and cup my face like i was something new

i miss the way you wrote i love you on my spine with your thumb every time the silence settled

i miss your self taught rebellion

we used to stay up all night to question the world together.

you used to tilt your head, trying to solve me like a puzzle
and when you couldn't figure it out
you used to gather my pieces and love them anyway

i miss the car we first cried together in
i miss the first time we traced each other's skin
i miss sitting by the river and letting the breeze batter our sides
i miss the sing-your-heart-out car rides

i miss any radiation given off from the first year of "i love you's"

ultimately, i miss your interest in me

when you look at me now
your eyes are hollow

come back to me.

the words I speak festered in the back of my throat
the words you hear barely skimmed through my teeth
the things I say mean the world to me
the things you hear will never be significant enough

there is ***** in my blood
a storm in my mind
and unlimited regrets strangling my chest

I steal things now just for possessions to hold
to prove I still exist
because I know that these memories won't last

let me roll down the hill
let me run through the woods
let me live those nights over again in my head

someone please let me live without thinking of you constantly

you haunt me like a ghost held prisoner in my mind

our first night together
it was chilly for May
you had your first kiss with her
i was alone

our second night together
it was warm for December
my date couldn't make it
you found me crying in the living room
you asked if I was okay, grabbed a cold beer
and left me to be back in her embrace

our third night together
my date was trapped in his own trouble
i smoked for the first time and watched the pictures move
you gave up smoking for her affection

our fourth night together
my date finally made it
and she was on the other end of your long distance phone call
we sang and danced to all of our favorite songs
i slept in the attic storage
you slept on the kitchen floor

our fifth night together
you returned from your journeys
we drank *** and coke in a basement
i tried to impress you with my aspirations
to move to California and be happy
i tried to convince you i am strong and confident
i tried to convince myself you meant nothing to me

our sixth night together
we kissed by the river
and he found us there
you vomited your guilt out
and we agreed she never had to know

our first night apart
i sang my favorite song
but my voice withered at my favorite line

you couldn't bring the columns down because you never knew they were there

my first night i knew i was truly alone
i cried because of the old couple i saw in the park
and deleted my unanswered drunk texts

i am haunted by these minuscule memories that could never add up to the millions you have with her

i am sorry for ever interrupting you that first night

if everything stems from chaos
then what will we produce?

Everything is so small
Even you and I

You were all of my monumental firsts
And hopefully my endless lasts