I've never done it myself
but I liken it to
the sensation of cutting

painful
destructive
controlling
.
.
.
addictive
comforting
fulfilling
elating

But in reverse order

I dreamed of you the other night
in my drunken stupor
you were on the top of my mind
conquering what few brain cells
still had the power to resist
a quaalude on the tip of my tongue
you tempted me again
like a ghost from the grave

it's been over a year since I've seen you
spoken to you
and 30 seconds since I last thought of you
as usual
I've never spoken of you
to anyone, except here
this black hole of anonymous misery
this congregation of broken hearts,
lost souls, and lonely *****,
just like me

I confessed you, us
to a friend
the one and only that remains
that I've also not seen in a year
the only one I've not let slip away
walk away
off into the oblivion of my memory
like I did you

I confessed my crime
my untruth,
spoken time and time again
I couldn't bear to let the words
the lie
slither over my teeth again

my confession of
my crime of heart
of mind
my **** was the real culprit
the ringleader, the conspirator
but my heart and mind
suffer the punishment
of solitary confinement

left only to reminisce of
innuendo, sweet daydreams,
sore muscles and drenched sheets

Dear __,

I'm sorry
Its not your fault
that I feel the way I do
I'm sorry
that things can't be different
I'm sorry for pushing you away
That is the my way of coping
Its not what I want
I want you

I know you have
your own way of coping
I don't fault you for it
even though it hurts
I'm sorry for trying
to find reasons to hate you
That too is a coping mechanism
Its easier not to love someone
when you hate them

You're not a bad person
You're a wonderful person
With a kind heart
and room for the whole world inside of it
I hope you save the world
You will save the world
You saved me
You're the beacon
that reminds me
There is still something
beautiful that remains
beyond the chaos

Thank you
Thank you for showing
me how to feel again
Something
Anything
I don't care
I'm just happy
to be alive and
feeling something

You are unbearably irresistible

You can have anything you want if you ask with your eyes.

You're cute when you're excited

I would stare into your eyes for hours if I could.

I love talking with you and hearing about your perspectives and experiences.

You have the perfect blend of innocence and sensuality.

I bet you look really hot in your running outfit

I think about you all the time

I love how I can have a full blown conversation with your eyes without you saying a word

I try to force you into my dreams by visualizing me staring into your eyes before I fall asleep at night

You have an amazing figure. I look forward to jean Fridays.

I want to kiss every inch of your body starting at your ankles and working up to your earlobes.

I'll never forget the first time I felt your touch.

The skin on your hands is so soft I can't help but think about how soft the rest of your body is.

I constantly fight the urge to run my fingers through your hair

The thought of what your naked body would have felt like against mine if i had said yes will haunt me forever.

I love how short you are. Its really ****. I wish you would wear flats all the time.

I get aroused just thinking about you in a nonsexual way.

Thinking about how wet you were is torture.

I look for reasons to get  close enough to you to smell your hair.

I like when you "accidentally" touch my leg with yours when you sit next to me.

Sometimes if I try hard enough I can still taste your lips.

I didn't want to change clothes or shower because I liked being able to smell you on me.

every morning, like clockwork
together, a pair so perfect
laughing, smiling, carrying on
every morning, they come together
every morning, they go together

this morning, he left alone
this morning, she sat alone
staring blankly
into the nothingness she sees before her
the emptiness across the table

there were two, now there is one
it's too late now, the damage is done

when did she go
will she return to me
sweet maiden of the sea
has she been beaten and battered
by old mother nature
she's got a temper, the old hag
full of spite at times
savoring the taste
of revenge on her tongue
even when it's not justified

has she been washed clean
clean by the sea
clear of mind
clean of me
only the wind knows
I listen tirelessly
for it calling her name
perhaps the moon knows
always watching down over us
omnipotent and untelling
with hushed lips
do you see her?

the daily parade by
the homeless shelter chow line
APD central booking exit
every day a new sight to see
men fighting
children crying
women dying
one needle, one vein,
one hit at a time
nevermind
the salty tears
of a dying mind
long ago lost
but never known
enough to be forgotten
nevermind
the hunger pangs
of the crying child
too young to know
this is only the beginning
of the pain to come
the pin ***** of the needle
as it breaks the skin