I was six years old
I got a stuffed piglet
From you
For my birthday.
I remember the picture you took.
Laying on the white couch
In my purple shirt
Hugging that tiny piglet
Tears in my eyes.
Tears of excitement maybe
Or maybe sadness because I knew I couldn't stay forever.
Stay in your house
Were I felt safe
Loved
Wanted.
I was eight years old.
We found out we could stay
Or so we thought.
You told us we wouldn't have to live with her anymore
We celebrated.
I was so very excited to be safe
Loved
Wanted.
I was nine years old.
We went to Washington to go to the water park
For my birthday.
You bought me a purple teddy bear.
I named him President Theodore Roosevelt.
I thought I was clever.
Karla sent Kate and I to bed so the adults could hang out
I cried.
I didn't get to say goodnight to my Daddy on my birthday.
I wanted one more hug
Before my dreams too me to a place
Where I could be forever safe
Loved
Wanted.
I was eleven.
We didn't go to the Enchanted Forest for the first year
For my birthday.
You bought me a giant stuffed dog
You somehow squeezed him in a rather small box
So I couldn't guess what it was
Because I was always able to.
I named him Beethoven
To be Mozart's new friend.
Wrapped up in his soft, tan body
I felt ever so safe.
Loved.
Wanted.
I was thirteen
My first birthday actually living in Oregon.
You made a huge chocolate-chocolate cake
The one with chocolate chunks sticking out of the frosting.
I blew out the candles not having a wish
The wish I made for the past twelve years finally came true:
I was living with you.
I was only allowed one piece of that amazing cake
For I had a swim meet in two days.
We celebrated as a family.
There was this picture taken of Karla and I.
Both smiling.
This may be the last one taken of us happy.
At the time I felt so safe.
Loved.
Wanted.
I was sixteen.
Most girls got to go get their license on their sixteenth birthday.
I spent my day in bed
Crying.
I asked for the day off from work.
You even made me call to ask if I could work
When you found out and yelled.
You screamed and yelled how I was always disobeying you
How once again I ruined your plans.
You made me stay in my room all day
My phone was taken away
I don't think I even ate that day or the next
You brought me a piece of cake before you threw out the rest
I simply stared at the chocolate-chocolate cake through tears
Hating myself for ruining my birthday.
Hating you for allowing me to hate myself
For not letting me feel safe.
Loved.
Wanted.
I was eighteen
I woke up to chocolate-chocolate cake
Tina made for me;
She didn't even know it was a tradition.
I was surrounded by friends all day.
But you never even called.
You didn't send a text,
Write a note on Facebook, or even a message.
My daddy didn't even wish me a happy eighteen birthday.
Instead I got to go swimming,
Eat veggie kabobs Sam made,
Surround myself with people who make me feel safe.
Loved.
Wanted.
Tomorrow I turn nineteen.
I am ignoring my birthday.
I will say thank you to those who write on my Facebook wall
But with no phone I will only call my mom.
We may go to dinner, my wonderful boyfriend and I.
But I refuse to celebrate.
That would in turn be thanking the man who created me
Who will not call
Will not write
That one that doesn't even give a **** if I am even still alive.
Who doesn't know where I am.
The one who kicked me out before I even turned eighteen.
That man who I am supposed to call my father.
My daddy who used to hug me
Hold me when I was scared
Made me feel safe
Loved
Wanted.
That same man who now makes me feel unworthy
Lost, confused, sad, angry beyond belief,
Because he won't even call me on my birthday.
So happy birthday to me!
I will not celebrate knowing the man who gave me life
The man who nineteen years ago held his baby girl
Not knowing he would one day ruin her
Make her feel so vulnerable
Unloved
Unwanted
On her birthday.

Friendship is not always having the words to say
But always being there to listen.
Friendship is a shared silence
Because we are comfortable in it.
Friendship is having each others back
When times are rough or easy.
Friendship is knowing that you will be there
No matter where I am.
Friendship is the only thing that can bridge
Miles and time.
Friendship is
You.

You deserve so much better.
Better than a girl who panics
Who says the wrong things.
Better than me.

You deserve the world
And all it has to offer.
All the good and the kindness
That is better than me.

You deserve the best.
Because that's what you are
Pure perfection.
You deserve better than me.

Maybe I will just watch the movie alone.
Maybe I will just make the rolls and the pie.
Maybe I can sit here and list off what I am thankful for
Or maybe I won't.
Once again you've ruined it for me.
Once again you are in my head telling me
I ****.
I'm the worst daughter anyone could ask for.
Well, congrats! I'm alone tomorrow.
You got your wish.
Are you thankful for that?

Do you think about me?
Do you wonder what I am doing?
Do you think each time you take a bite
Of the crummy pie crust you make
How you wish I was there to make it?
No.
I bet you don't.

It feels like to me you are glad.
Glad I'm not there
To embarrass you once again
With my colorful clothes
With my loud voice
Saying all the wrong things.
Well I hope that empty chair
Stares you in the face
As you sit down with your fake happy family
And you miss me.

And as you go around the table
Asking what everyone is thankful for
I wonder if you are man enough to say
You are thankful for the boring silence
The lack of arguments
The dull colors
For the extra space.
Because I'm not there.
And you made it so.
But just so you know:
I am thankful.
I am thankful for who I am.
I am thankful I have the people in my life that I do.
I am thankful you taught me what you did.
I am thankful I get some silence.
I am thankful that despite everything
You are still my dad.
And I know we don't speak.
And I know you will never read my words.
But maybe
Just maybe
One day you will let me back in
And you will realize
How you are not thankful
That you let me go.

What happened, oh red-headed one?
You came busting into our lives
Riding a big white horse
To save the girl,
Who could have saved herself,
But chose you;
Wanted you.
You were lucky enough to be chosen;
Wonderful enough to enter our lives.
Not just hers, because it's kind of a packaged deal.
So please, oh please, good sir,
Don't break her heart.
I love her too much and you too
To see any hurt come from this.
Please, oh please, let this be a misunderstanding,
A weird phase,
Anything but a end
To a wonderfully written story
Filled with love, hope, growth, and understanding.
I can't bare to see it
I just don't know what to do.
I want to hug you both and make it all ok,
Like a kiss on a boo-boo,
And see both of your smiles
Light up the room.
Because it's getting rather dark in here...

Happy Birthday, *****
Another year passes us by
Many moons have come and gone
Since I meant anything to you.
I wish I was there to celebrate
The big twenty-three
But you don't want me.
Mom and I we try and try
But you will have none of it.
I do not have any ill-wishes this year
Only sadness.
I miss you, *****.
I miss what we had.
I think back to all the times
I slept on your floor when I was scared
When we played in the woods all day with Candy
When we tried to build tunnels in the snow banks
Each time I yelled "Hi, *****!" in the halls
Just to be your annoying little sister.
I love you, *****
Even if you don't love me
Maybe one day I will get to again
Celebrate with you this special day...

You are my love
My best friend
My cuddle buddy
To the end.
You are my moon
And my stars
The air I breathe
The ground beneath me.
You love so much
But always have more.
Determined to grow
But I am so lucky just to know
Perfect you
With eyes so blue.
A love so strong
It lasts through it all
I love you, Capri
And I know you love me.
And that to me,
Is perfect.

I was finally stable.
I could walk without feeling like
With one misstep
I would break everything I know.
I could breathe
And think and talk
Without feeling tightness in my chest.
And now
On a normal day
I get this message.
It blow everything up.
Walls were knocked down
Windows smashed through
Doors once again open
That I thought were forever sealed.
I am angry, hurt, and confused
I honestly have no idea what to do.

*******. **** what you said.
You make me feel guilty
For things I never did
For the way I feel
And you say you love me.
What the ****?
You KICKED ME OUT!
YOU ended things.
Not me.

How am I supposed to act?
How am I supposed to feel?
God I have no freaking clue
What I am supposed to do.

So I will sit here and cry to the man I love
Who will hold me and try and make it ok
When there is no way he can
Because there is nothing he can do.

So thanks for nothing,
Once again.
You've crushed my world
Once again
It seems like the only thing you are good at.

It feels like a nose print on my glasses.
First, of course, my thoughts turn to you
And I think about how we got here.
All the good and not-so-good moments.
Sometimes I'm in a hurry and simply wipe away the smudge.
Sometime I let it sit.
Sometimes I like it there as a constant reminder
Of where we are at.
Where I am at.
In this place of love and honesty
And fear and crushing, suffocating hurt.

I wish I could wipe the feelings away
Like you nose print on my glasses.
But, then again, there will be more tomorrow.

My chest feels tight
My breathing quickens
I don't know how to feel
The thought sickens
Every being of my existence.
I don't do goodbyes
I cannot face them
I don't know how to deal
Even the thought of them
Makes me want to cry.
I feel weak and vulnerable
I can't handle it all
I can't face the eye contact
The final hugs
And all the tears that will fall.
I am not ready.
I need more time
But more time means nothing
When it is never enough
I need more time.
Time with you
But then that means less with her
I need you both.
But life is too ****** up to make it easy
Especially with me and her.
I love you.
More than you can imagine.
Our souls are intertwined
And distance can't change that.
Nothing will change us.
We are whole and together
We can do it all
Tearani, I'll always be in your heart
When I can't be squished in a tiny bed with you
Or singing down a road late at night
Or seeing cows in the sides of barns
Or laughing at not funny things.
We are always connected with our soul.
Forever.

I'll miss the laughs
And all the smiles.
I'll miss the jokes
But all awhile
I know I must go.

I'll miss the hellos
The I'll see you...Fridays...?
I'll miss the hugs
And the soon to be parties.
But I must go.

I'll miss casual Sundays
Claire's dances and Collin's jokes
I'll miss Jessica's laugh
Tami's hugs and James' voices.
But I'll be going soon.

I found a family I didn't know I needed.
A family of weirdos, jokers, and kind hearts.
I found people who understand and care deeply
I found a place for a fresh start.
But I must go.

I go on to big things
Huge changes and excitement.
I move on now, but now
I've lost some of the enjoyment.
I'm leaving more than one family.

Two souls connected
Or is it only one shared?
Shared spaces, place, people, and cares
The person in my room
Filling up a great space
Knowing always what to say
Always just what I need to hear
Who keeps me grounded and sane
Who understands my thoughts and my pains.

The connections are there
With this soul who deserves it all.
Who deserves her own day
Her own life
Her own fears
Her own happiness
Her own tears.
All of it hers, not to be shared with another
Unless she gives them to deserving others.

I go from one long distance relationship to another
Knowing it won’t be easy
But it is worth the troubles
The Skype dates and long calls
Making the distance seem shorter.
The miles do not matter
For we have built a fortress.
Our relationship stands strong
Because we have made it so
And even though I will have to go
I will always be near
Connected by a soul given so graciously;
Loving words embedded within.
Keeping us strong and unwavering
Together, forever, until the end.

Go ahead.
Put on your little show.
Make the world think
It is all okay.

Go ahead.
**** with my head.
Make me think one day
It'll all be okay.

Go ahead.
Show the world your perfect family.
All straight and conservative.
They are all okay.

Go ahead.
Run away from the fight.
Cower inside your walls of lies
You'll make it okay.

Go ahead.
Because I will move on one day.
I'll get over it.
Finally I'll be okay.

Aren’t you so very proud?
Don’t you know who I have become?
Do you not care that I was lost and broken?
Do you not care that you have left me alone?
And angry words were last spoken,
Leaving everything unresolved among us
Because you have decided not to care
You have decided to escalate the fuss
And declare a lasting warfare.  

Aren’t you so very proud?
Don’t you realize you are missing out?
I am willing to share with you
I would let you in without a doubt
But I don’t think you would too.
It doesn’t look as if you care
It is as if you are not broken
I guess this is not a pain we share
To be alone and forgotten.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You have lost a daughter
But, that was your choice.
I am here to please you no longer
You many never again hear my voice.
The relationship is in your hands
Do with it what you will
I am done with your demands
And now you have a family minus a Jill.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You chose comfort over your very own child
Afraid of what others may say
But now you’ve let me run wild
And what do you think they now say?
They wonder how you could choose this.
Why did you give up? What did I do so wrong?
And now I don’t think I am even missed.
But I am fine. I am strong.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You gave up. I never will.
I will always wait
Never giving up hope still
Because I believe in fate.
I know you were in my life for a reason
One I cannot yet explain
And with the passing of each season
My spirit and strength will maintain.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You had a hand in raising me.
That you cannot deny.
And you can think back to times of glee
And all the times you made me cry
And you can know I am stronger now
That is thanks to you
Thank you for breaking me down
And thank you for loving me too.

Aren’t you so very proud?
I can see past you faults.
I still love you.
But you are supposed to be the adults
And your child is more mature than you.
I know I am loved, even if it is not by my parents
And their love is unconditional, like the lie you told me
About this you should care not
Because you chose to walk out on me.

Aren’t you so very proud?
Of the loving slaps and kicks you delivered
At times I was sad and scared
You merely pushed me down even further
Even when you said you cared.
But those blows made me stronger
Able to last in this difficult fight
Just a little longer
And keep my true self in sight.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You taught me a lot
Who I do not want to be
And who I am not
But it was not very easy to see.
This was all a struggle, do not get me wrong
But I need to say I am done too.
You have made me independent and strong
Now the rest is up to you.

"Now...They must be twins?"
I answer each ignorant question
With a smile and patience
And begin to explain the obvious.
They are two people don't you see?
Tearani with her winning smile,
Contagious laugh, soulful eyes,
Extra height, bigger feet,
Longer hair now (hers is normally shorter),
Dressing to fit her mood, the best listener,
And my best friend.
Then there is Teia.
Her bright eyes; childish demeanor;
Soft, flowing clothes; disorganized and crazy;
Small nose; rounder face;
More freckles; and caught up in the world.
TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How can you not see?
The differences, they are just too obvious to me.
"I guess it's because I've lived with them,"
I answer with a sigh.
Or maybe others are to ignorant to see
The two completely different people
Their stupidity blinds them from seeing.
They are twins yes.
But they are so much more.
They are Tearani and Teia.

You are like the smudges on my glasses
The ones that never seem to go away
I can wipe at them
Clean my glasses with a special cloth
Run them under water
But they never go away.

I never seem to notice them
Until I need to see something clearly
And they they are
There YOU are
Distracting me.
Getting in my way.

You are an inconvenience.
Just a smudge on my life
In my mind
I can not erase
As hard as I try.

I will never be able to get rid of you
Get rid of these feelings.

Thanks for that, Dad.

Are you sitting at your desk
Crying, smiling, wondering
Thinking
Realizing you only have one  daughter
Recognizing you threw one away?
Do you even care it's my birthday?
Are you sad
Because you have no courage to call?
Are you sitting at your desk
Thinking about years past?
The good years and the bad
Or about how you ruined your little girl?
I hope you cry today knowing I am happy without you
Knowing I am having an amazing day
With an amazing guy you'll never meet
Because you are not worthy.
I do not need you
I do not want you
Today
On my nineteenth birthday.

Finding the words...
Yes it is tough.
We all know it
But we just don't want to show it.
We don't let people see how
Upset
Hurt
Angry
We truly are.
But why?
Why not yell at the top of our lungs
Hoping maybe they will hear.
Maybe they will get the point
If you scream it loud enough
Yell in their face
Maybe, just maybe
They can see where you are coming from
See that you hurt too
That you KNOW you messed up
I may have not handled at as they would have
But I am not perfect.
I don't pretend to be.
I never have.
I'm ****** up
Insecure
Neurotic
And emotional.
Yeah...I'm just fine.
Don't you see that?
No. You can't see that I'm not perfect either.
I ****** up. I get that.
But I will know it tomorrow even if you don't remind me.
I promise you I will.

I wrote a poem as I fell asleep
But woke up and it was gone.
Lost in a dream world
That I can not separate from reality
Lost in a place I am scared
Lonely and forgotten
And as you wake me from this place
I question my safety
I question reality.
Do you know what that's like?
To not know what at true
And what is fabricated?
You hold me close
Tell me I am safe
To calm down
That you are right there.
I find it hard to believe you.
I find it hard to step out of that dream world
Where I am hated and unwelcome.
It feels almost right in some ways
Maybe that's why
When I wake
I wish you would have let me suffer.

Those soft lips
Those strong shoulders
Those beautiful blue eyes
That heart stopping smile
Your helping hands
Your never ending knowledge
I don't see
How you don't see
You are perfect.

I sit there thinking,
Just thinking.
Wishing and wondering
If the water could wash it all away.

I sit there thinking
Maybe, just maybe
If I sit there long enough
Scrub my body hard enough
It'll wash it all away.

I wonder if I can
Watch all the hurt, pain and sadness
Circle the drain.
Watch it be all washed away.

I sit there
Day after day
Hoping and wishing maybe today
Or maybe even tomorrow
I can wash all the hurt
The pain
The sadness
The fear
Far far away.

I don't understand
So maybe I won't try.
I probably will fail
So why even try.
I wish it was different
But those are just wishes.
You've already quit.
So saddle up *******
Run away once again
When it gets hard for you
I will be here when you get back
And decide you want a change.
I'll do my best
And give you what I can
But this isn't all on me.
Yeah I ran too, but I came back.
Came back sorry and wanting to explain
But you covered your ears
And hummed a little tune
Close yourself off from me
So I couldn't explain.
I tired but I had no energy,
No patience at the time
But I am ready now
Ready as I can be
To fight this fight over and over
To try and get you back
Like I have so many times before.
I will try and try with all I have
But I can only give so much
I need you to want this too.
Please, oh please, want me too.

I slip on spandex and shorts,
Pull on a tight sports bra and tank top,
Step into converse-- lacking proper sneakers,
Tie my hair up as tight as I can,
Clip back the strays,
Place headphones in my ears,
And walk out the front door.
Take a deep breath.
Go!
I jog slow trying to find my rhythm,
Hoping I still have one,
Speed up once I catch it.
Focus on the blurry distance
(You can't really run with glasses)
Trying to find a point to run to.
A goal
Something
Anything to run for.
My breathing quickens
To the point of pain
I slow down trying to catch it
Slow down some more
Then walk.
Just walk.
And reach the sad conclusion:
****. I'm out of shape.

A cloudy memory
Dances in my head
I am not sure who all is there
Or what all is said.
I see lots of colors
So, so many faces
I do not know what is happening
Just that this is going places.
I know we were next to each other
I know I felt something new
I was not sure at all what is was
And I had no idea what to do.
I waited four years to let it show
I was so scared of the result
Of what that feeling could mean
When my heart came to a halt.
I let you make the first move
I had no idea if you felt it too
In the same way I did
If you knew that I wanted you.
I didn’t have to courage
I didn’t know what I should do
I was scared of what it meant
I was terrified to lose you.
But one kiss changed it all
There is no going back now
No longer afraid of what could happen
My only question is how.
How can I love someone this much?
How come I didn’t do this long ago?
I love you so much and it only grows
And I will never let you go.
This is something to cherish
Something to hold on tight to
And I promise I will never let go; never.
I will always be here for you.

One day maybe you will see
All the pain and hurt you have caused me
You have torn me down to nothing too many times
But I am taking back what is mine.
I am taking back my self-esteem and pride
And I am about to leave with a quick stride.
Soon I will be out the door, not looking back
And you will be left unable to face the facts.
THIS IS ME.
One day you may see.
I hope one day you can accept me for who I am
But for now I don't give a ****.
I don't give a flying **** what you think
Because I have found my missing link.
I love her more than words can describe
I have her heart and she has mine.
You can hate it, you can hate me
But that doesn't change my feelings of glee.

A hand to hold
A sweet, kind soul
A warm-hearted girl
Who stole away mine
Who is always on my mind
Keeping me guessing
Teaching me every lesson
I need to learn
Known to man-kind
Never knew I’d find
Such a perfect girl
To share it all
To give my heart to
And never be afraid again
To be without a friend.
Always  here
Even though she is there
I know I am in her thoughts
Because she tells me so
So I will always know.
I know I am loved and cherished
Since she tells me every second
And she knows it too
Because I won’t let her forget
Or let there be regrets.
This is love, and I know it’s true.
Because you love me, and I love you
Together forever and ever
With my hand in yours there is no fear
Never far, always near.

My mind is numb; I can stand it no more.
The feelings are too much
They knock on my door.
I am too scared to answer,
Too afraid to let them in,
But I have no choice left
I must let them in.
I am terrified and lost
I am hurt, I am broken
I do not know where I am going
I face it all unknowing.
You hold my hand through it all
And yet I’m still scared to fall.
Scared to fail—and to lose you too
I no longer know who I am
When it isn’t me and you.
You hold me together
You keep me whole
I am lost and continue searching
Like a lost and broken soul.
But I know it is because I am not with you
Not by your side, hand in hand
Soon we will be together again
And I can quit searching
For my soul once again.

Take away my things
Throw away my possessions
Tear me down with your words
Make me say false confessions.
You may think you are right
You might believe you know me best
But you know nothing about me;
So, let me put your lies to rest:

I do lie-- but only to you
I have stolen-- my pride back from you
I am who I am and that won't change
I just hope one day you can love me.
Right now I have both feet out the door
And I am moving froward, not turning back
I will find new role models to guide me
Better people to pick up your slack.

Maybe as parents you have failed
But, that is not my problem.
I am only being me don't you see?
And when I have children I won't rob them
I won't take away their things
I won't hold them back each day
I won't let them feel unloved
I will always listen to what they have to say.

Your guiding ways have only led me wrong
You have let me see the clear way, though
It may not be the way you wish
But it is where I choose to go.
I choose to leave this place called home
I wish to leave with a smile, however
Taking lessons learned and my own identity
Knowing it may be me leaving forever.

I can cut the cord just as easy.
You think you still have control over me
But in fact you don't know one single thing
And one day you may finally see the true me.

I love the way I just know things about you.
I know in the morning the first thing you will do is shower
Then you will dry off, comb your hair, raise your eyebrows as you look at your face.
Next you will put on boxers, socks, a white t-shirt, then shorts,
Pull on some sneakers and stand at your closet
Try and decide if you want a different shirt or just the white one today.
After your decision is made you will go make breakfast
Then go sit at your desk chair and browse the internet.
I love how predictable you can be.

I love that there is a place for everything in your life.
Your wallet goes in your right back pocket,
Your car key in the left back pocket,
All the other keys in your left front pocket
And then your phone in your right front pocket.

It's like this dance you do with me.
They way you are so predictable yet there are times I don't know what's next.
It keeps me on my toes.
Keeps me guessing, wanting more.
It makes me love those spontaneous moments of ridiculousness.
It makes me feel safe knowing everything has a place.
Because that means then
You've made a place for me.

You shouldn't kiss me like that
Because you know what it does
To my poor little heart.
It makes it beat too fast
And flutter like a butterfly
Trying to spread its wings
And fly, fly, fly away with you.
That kiss makes me want
To never move again
To never leave this perfect bubble
We have here in this bed.

Me on the left
You on the right
Fingers intertwined
Standing side by side.
A crowded room
Filled with laughter and joy
Happy, smiling faces
All the ones we adore.
You pull me close
And whisper in my ear
“You and me.
Right here.
This is where we are supposed to be.”
I see your smile
I feel your love.
You pull me close
And as our lips so sweetly touch
I awake.
I open my eyes to an empty bed
An empty room
But a full head.
A head full of thoughts and dreams
That one day soon
You’ll be where you are supposed to be.
One day soon
We will be
Where we are supposed to be.

I feel like you fill me up

With nothing but empty promises
And I am starting to get rather full.

A day out in the sun
Results in a night of heat.
I splash my face with icy water
The kind that makes
The muscles in you hands tighten.
I try and wash away the heat
The sweat that was there
But forever wanting to keep the sunshine.
To show the sunshine on my face
The kind that makes more and more
Tiny cute freckles appear.

It's in way we move--
Move as one--
Move like the ocean tides.
The way it ebbs and flows
So perfect;
So determined.

It's in the way you hold me close;
The way you pull me tighter in.
Even though there is no where else to go;
No where but to fall into your chest,
Feel your heart beat against mine,
Feel your warmth engulfing me,
Comforting me.

It's in the way you look into my eyes.
That soul-searchy stare you give me--
The one that makes my heart beat faster.
My eyes dart between yours
Trying to see what you see in me,
Why you even take the time
To search my soul.
To find the answers.

It's in the way you never hold back.
The way you are fearless--
Making me so.
The way you do not question
You just do.
You just know.
Simply know.
I will be here tomorrow and the next and the next
Forever holding on,
Forever wanting more,
Needing your kind words,
Love,
Protection,
Understanding.
Needing it all.
Wanting it all.
Loving you.

It's the way you love me.
So purely;
So perfectly.

It's the innocence really:
The way this all feels so young,
So fresh,
So free.
That makes it so beautiful.
It's knowing we have all the time in the world.
No more rushing.
No more hoping or wishing.
Just doing and loving.
Just us.
Simply, wonderful, perfect us.

Today
Today *****
It makes me sad and angry.
It makes me regret past decisions.
It makes me wonder if it could be different.
Or if it was inevitable.
Today ******* *****.

I'd love to think I am
Who you say I am.
This amazing girl everyone loves
This wonderful person so full of joy
But how is that so?
I see red...anger everywhere
Sadness and hurt has filled my soul.
I do not know
Could never show you
How ****** up this world of mine
Really truly is.
I want to.
But I am scared,
Fearful,
Madly in love,
Terrified I will chase you away.
So, for now, I hold tight
To the amazing man I found.
The one who thinks I am perfect
Until he realizes I am not.

My heart beats too fast.
The world begins to turn.
My brain wanders,
Feeling as if it will never return.
I hear my blood
Pump though my veins
The sound is so loud;
Every ounce of me strains.
I need to focus.
I need to breathe.
I must find the air
That my body eagerly needs.
My hands are numb,
They shake and tremble
I try to hold them still
I try and walk but simply stumble.
I need to calm down
But my blood is pumping so loud
I feel all the eyes around me
I feel like the center of a crowd.
I need some air
I can’t breathe at all
My heart: it might stop beating
I tremble as I fall.
I panic.
I want to scream.
No words come.
My mind screams.
Breathe.
In. Out. In again.
Slowly I’ll catch it
I’ll start to mend.
My heart slows down.
I can still hear the blood.
The air is coming
Into my lungs like a flood.
My hands still tremble
They tingle and sting
I can see a little straighter now
But to the floor my body clings.
They never feel over
They stay like an unwelcome guest
They take over my body
They beat at my chest.
My heart will hurt for days
My lungs as well
My brain can’t fight them off
On the fear is where I’ll dwell.
The fear will stay.
It’ll never go away.
I’ll always panic.
They’ll never go away.

Maybe we are all too blind.
Too unwilling to really step back
And take a look
Inside the walls we live
Maybe a bit too closely
To see the absolute crazy
Within our close knit families.
Lies and truths never really exposed
Just swept under the rug
Never to be spoken of.
Never to be seen.
Maybe that's why you never saw
Me cutting myself
Wanting to **** myself
Because of your words.
Because I was not worthy
Of the love I thought I needed.
Maybe I hid it
Maybe you saw it and ignored it
Ignored the cuts,
My sleepless eyes,
All the pain I was in.
Maybe you decided it was too much to handle
That I wasn't worth it to you.
But maybe you just didn't see.
I have to tell myself you just didn't see.
That maybe it was all on me
All my fault.
Maybe we were all blinded
By too many secrets,
Too many lies.
Maybe we can't ever see past all the crazy
Past all the hurt
Of our close knit families.

You deserve perfect;
Because isn't that what perfection deserves?
I want to give it to you.
I do my best
But, I can't help but second guess.
How did I get chosen?
Me? Really, me?
I know no one is really, truly perfect
But, you are to me.
My other half.
You simply complete me.
And I am baffled each day
That I do the same
For amazing you.
I want to understand.
I search for the answers.
They just won't come.
But I guess that's what love it.
A lot of unexplained questions.
A ton of emotions that can't be understood.
I guess that's what love is;
Because who has a definition?
Who can tell me what it really is?
Who knows?
All I know,
All I truly, completely, with all my heart know
Is that I love you.
Completely.
Without a single doubt.
With all of our imperfections,
Swimming in a pool of confusion,
Mistakes and unanswered questions
I love you.

I wake with a panic.  
I go to pull in close to you
I roll over and to my surprise
You aren’t there.
I sit up confused and in a haze.
You aren’t there.
Where did you go?
Why are you not
Where you are supposed to be?
Why is your hand not in mine?
You aren’t where you are supposed to be.

I have arrived.
Back to the place I didn't think I would be for so long.
Back to the place I'm supposed to call home again.
Back to the place I want to call home.
The place that could be home--
Could be if I make it--
If I choose to let it.
If I decide this is where I am supposed to be,
Supposed to live,
Supposed to breathe.
Back to home
Where I may not belong
Where things may fit
Yet feels so wrong.
Back to places I only kind of know
Around people who I am scared to show
I am forever lost and broken.
Forever searching for home.
Forever wanting to find a place
Where I love what I do,
Who I am with,
Who I am.
I am home again searching.
Searching and searching forever
Hoping, waiting, and wishing
That maybe
Someday soon
I will find my home.

I sit here on my lonely island.
Facing the world alone.
I need you here.
I need you close.
My world has grown small
And I feel so very alone.
I scream and no one hears.
My voice is small and weak.
No one.
Just me.
I
Need
You.

I can feel it.
Feel that connection when you look in my eyes.
Can you feel it too?
I hear it in your voice
When you look straight into my eyes and tell me you love me.
I feel it.
I feel your love like I never have.
Or never thought I could.
Never thought I deserved.
It scares me really.
Scares me in the way I feel so close
Too vulnerable
Giving you all the tools to break me down
To tear me to pieces.
But you have decided to build me up.
To make me feel safe.
I can see it in the way you look at me when I am scared.
Like you won't hurt me
...and I believe you.
I believe you?
That's a new one.
You know my secrets and you
...share yours too?
You are never surprised
Just taking all of me in.
ALL of me.
And you don't run.
You say they make me part of who I am
And you love ALL of me.
Even the bad things.
You react to my surprise by reminding me I do the same.
I love ALL of you too.
And I do.
I feel safe
Loved
Wanted
With you.

My heart aches.
I do not  have the words.
The answers just aren't in my mind.
My blood boils with you around.
I wish it weren't true.
Because part of me still loves you.
We could be friends.
But there are some things that need to be said.
Truths need to be taken out
Laid out for us to examine.
We have to solve it or it will just get worse.
This puzzle has missing pieces.
I do not want to leave with all this anger
Since I am so very good at being mad.
I want to leave with the friend I once had.
The one who got me.
The one who let me cry.
The one who helped build me up.
Not the one who makes me cry,
Tears me apart,
And has no clue.
I want you back.
Because no matter the anger and hurt in my heart
You are still my tennis buddy,
My graceful soul,
My friend.

"I guess you can come"
Five little words.
They hurt.
You don't seem to care.
You don't seem to notice
I don't feel welcome here.
Always an after thought.
No one seems to see
The words you say
They really hurt me.

I wake up,
I'm exhausted.
I drink some coffee,
I'm exhausted.
I go about my day,
I'm exhausted.
I go to bed,
I'm exhausted.
Rinse and repeat.

Do I bore you
When I read;
Read words I've written,
Ones I've discovered?
I listen to you words.
Words of passion on
Cars, cameras, music, your life.
My words are never really from my mouth.
That's not how I work.
Not how I speak.
I find my voice on paper.
I escape into a world I can create
One I wish you would enjoy
Love
Just give it a chance.
But I will not force it
Will not push it.
That simply isn't me.
I just can't do that.
I only wish you would see my passion
Is not in the objects you can touch
But in things you have to search for to truly see
The untold beauties of the soul
I wish you could see.

I've lost myself.

It's happened before
But I still don't know where to start looking
Because you've taken pieces of me
Pieces of me that I can never get back
They are yours now.
The problem is
I am too quick to give
Too quick to give pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
To those who I thought at the time
Deserved them. Wanted them.
Wanted me.