Two souls connected
Or is it only one shared?
Shared spaces, place, people, and cares
The person in my room
Filling up a great space
Knowing always what to say
Always just what I need to hear
Who keeps me grounded and sane
Who understands my thoughts and my pains.

The connections are there
With this soul who deserves it all.
Who deserves her own day
Her own life
Her own fears
Her own happiness
Her own tears.
All of it hers, not to be shared with another
Unless she gives them to deserving others.

I go from one long distance relationship to another
Knowing it won’t be easy
But it is worth the troubles
The Skype dates and long calls
Making the distance seem shorter.
The miles do not matter
For we have built a fortress.
Our relationship stands strong
Because we have made it so
And even though I will have to go
I will always be near
Connected by a soul given so graciously;
Loving words embedded within.
Keeping us strong and unwavering
Together, forever, until the end.

I wake with a panic.  
I go to pull in close to you
I roll over and to my surprise
You aren’t there.
I sit up confused and in a haze.
You aren’t there.
Where did you go?
Why are you not
Where you are supposed to be?
Why is your hand not in mine?
You aren’t where you are supposed to be.

A cloudy memory
Dances in my head
I am not sure who all is there
Or what all is said.
I see lots of colors
So, so many faces
I do not know what is happening
Just that this is going places.
I know we were next to each other
I know I felt something new
I was not sure at all what is was
And I had no idea what to do.
I waited four years to let it show
I was so scared of the result
Of what that feeling could mean
When my heart came to a halt.
I let you make the first move
I had no idea if you felt it too
In the same way I did
If you knew that I wanted you.
I didn’t have to courage
I didn’t know what I should do
I was scared of what it meant
I was terrified to lose you.
But one kiss changed it all
There is no going back now
No longer afraid of what could happen
My only question is how.
How can I love someone this much?
How come I didn’t do this long ago?
I love you so much and it only grows
And I will never let you go.
This is something to cherish
Something to hold on tight to
And I promise I will never let go; never.
I will always be here for you.

My heart beats too fast.
The world begins to turn.
My brain wanders,
Feeling as if it will never return.
I hear my blood
Pump though my veins
The sound is so loud;
Every ounce of me strains.
I need to focus.
I need to breathe.
I must find the air
That my body eagerly needs.
My hands are numb,
They shake and tremble
I try to hold them still
I try and walk but simply stumble.
I need to calm down
But my blood is pumping so loud
I feel all the eyes around me
I feel like the center of a crowd.
I need some air
I can’t breathe at all
My heart: it might stop beating
I tremble as I fall.
I panic.
I want to scream.
No words come.
My mind screams.
Breathe.
In. Out. In again.
Slowly I’ll catch it
I’ll start to mend.
My heart slows down.
I can still hear the blood.
The air is coming
Into my lungs like a flood.
My hands still tremble
They tingle and sting
I can see a little straighter now
But to the floor my body clings.
They never feel over
They stay like an unwelcome guest
They take over my body
They beat at my chest.
My heart will hurt for days
My lungs as well
My brain can’t fight them off
On the fear is where I’ll dwell.
The fear will stay.
It’ll never go away.
I’ll always panic.
They’ll never go away.

My mind is numb; I can stand it no more.
The feelings are too much
They knock on my door.
I am too scared to answer,
Too afraid to let them in,
But I have no choice left
I must let them in.
I am terrified and lost
I am hurt, I am broken
I do not know where I am going
I face it all unknowing.
You hold my hand through it all
And yet I’m still scared to fall.
Scared to fail—and to lose you too
I no longer know who I am
When it isn’t me and you.
You hold me together
You keep me whole
I am lost and continue searching
Like a lost and broken soul.
But I know it is because I am not with you
Not by your side, hand in hand
Soon we will be together again
And I can quit searching
For my soul once again.

Aren’t you so very proud?
Don’t you know who I have become?
Do you not care that I was lost and broken?
Do you not care that you have left me alone?
And angry words were last spoken,
Leaving everything unresolved among us
Because you have decided not to care
You have decided to escalate the fuss
And declare a lasting warfare.  

Aren’t you so very proud?
Don’t you realize you are missing out?
I am willing to share with you
I would let you in without a doubt
But I don’t think you would too.
It doesn’t look as if you care
It is as if you are not broken
I guess this is not a pain we share
To be alone and forgotten.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You have lost a daughter
But, that was your choice.
I am here to please you no longer
You many never again hear my voice.
The relationship is in your hands
Do with it what you will
I am done with your demands
And now you have a family minus a Jill.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You chose comfort over your very own child
Afraid of what others may say
But now you’ve let me run wild
And what do you think they now say?
They wonder how you could choose this.
Why did you give up? What did I do so wrong?
And now I don’t think I am even missed.
But I am fine. I am strong.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You gave up. I never will.
I will always wait
Never giving up hope still
Because I believe in fate.
I know you were in my life for a reason
One I cannot yet explain
And with the passing of each season
My spirit and strength will maintain.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You had a hand in raising me.
That you cannot deny.
And you can think back to times of glee
And all the times you made me cry
And you can know I am stronger now
That is thanks to you
Thank you for breaking me down
And thank you for loving me too.

Aren’t you so very proud?
I can see past you faults.
I still love you.
But you are supposed to be the adults
And your child is more mature than you.
I know I am loved, even if it is not by my parents
And their love is unconditional, like the lie you told me
About this you should care not
Because you chose to walk out on me.

Aren’t you so very proud?
Of the loving slaps and kicks you delivered
At times I was sad and scared
You merely pushed me down even further
Even when you said you cared.
But those blows made me stronger
Able to last in this difficult fight
Just a little longer
And keep my true self in sight.

Aren’t you so very proud?
You taught me a lot
Who I do not want to be
And who I am not
But it was not very easy to see.
This was all a struggle, do not get me wrong
But I need to say I am done too.
You have made me independent and strong
Now the rest is up to you.

A hand to hold
A sweet, kind soul
A warm-hearted girl
Who stole away mine
Who is always on my mind
Keeping me guessing
Teaching me every lesson
I need to learn
Known to man-kind
Never knew I’d find
Such a perfect girl
To share it all
To give my heart to
And never be afraid again
To be without a friend.
Always  here
Even though she is there
I know I am in her thoughts
Because she tells me so
So I will always know.
I know I am loved and cherished
Since she tells me every second
And she knows it too
Because I won’t let her forget
Or let there be regrets.
This is love, and I know it’s true.
Because you love me, and I love you
Together forever and ever
With my hand in yours there is no fear
Never far, always near.