I feel like you fill me up

With nothing but empty promises
And I am starting to get rather full.

Happy Birthday, *****
Another year passes us by
Many moons have come and gone
Since I meant anything to you.
I wish I was there to celebrate
The big twenty-three
But you don't want me.
Mom and I we try and try
But you will have none of it.
I do not have any ill-wishes this year
Only sadness.
I miss you, *****.
I miss what we had.
I think back to all the times
I slept on your floor when I was scared
When we played in the woods all day with Candy
When we tried to build tunnels in the snow banks
Each time I yelled "Hi, *****!" in the halls
Just to be your annoying little sister.
I love you, *****
Even if you don't love me
Maybe one day I will get to again
Celebrate with you this special day...

Maybe I will just watch the movie alone.
Maybe I will just make the rolls and the pie.
Maybe I can sit here and list off what I am thankful for
Or maybe I won't.
Once again you've ruined it for me.
Once again you are in my head telling me
I ****.
I'm the worst daughter anyone could ask for.
Well, congrats! I'm alone tomorrow.
You got your wish.
Are you thankful for that?

Do you think about me?
Do you wonder what I am doing?
Do you think each time you take a bite
Of the crummy pie crust you make
How you wish I was there to make it?
No.
I bet you don't.

It feels like to me you are glad.
Glad I'm not there
To embarrass you once again
With my colorful clothes
With my loud voice
Saying all the wrong things.
Well I hope that empty chair
Stares you in the face
As you sit down with your fake happy family
And you miss me.

And as you go around the table
Asking what everyone is thankful for
I wonder if you are man enough to say
You are thankful for the boring silence
The lack of arguments
The dull colors
For the extra space.
Because I'm not there.
And you made it so.
But just so you know:
I am thankful.
I am thankful for who I am.
I am thankful I have the people in my life that I do.
I am thankful you taught me what you did.
I am thankful I get some silence.
I am thankful that despite everything
You are still my dad.
And I know we don't speak.
And I know you will never read my words.
But maybe
Just maybe
One day you will let me back in
And you will realize
How you are not thankful
That you let me go.

I've lost myself.

It's happened before
But I still don't know where to start looking
Because you've taken pieces of me
Pieces of me that I can never get back
They are yours now.
The problem is
I am too quick to give
Too quick to give pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
To those who I thought at the time
Deserved them. Wanted them.
Wanted me.

I was finally stable.
I could walk without feeling like
With one misstep
I would break everything I know.
I could breathe
And think and talk
Without feeling tightness in my chest.
And now
On a normal day
I get this message.
It blow everything up.
Walls were knocked down
Windows smashed through
Doors once again open
That I thought were forever sealed.
I am angry, hurt, and confused
I honestly have no idea what to do.

*******. **** what you said.
You make me feel guilty
For things I never did
For the way I feel
And you say you love me.
What the ****?
You KICKED ME OUT!
YOU ended things.
Not me.

How am I supposed to act?
How am I supposed to feel?
God I have no freaking clue
What I am supposed to do.

So I will sit here and cry to the man I love
Who will hold me and try and make it ok
When there is no way he can
Because there is nothing he can do.

So thanks for nothing,
Once again.
You've crushed my world
Once again
It seems like the only thing you are good at.

What happened, oh red-headed one?
You came busting into our lives
Riding a big white horse
To save the girl,
Who could have saved herself,
But chose you;
Wanted you.
You were lucky enough to be chosen;
Wonderful enough to enter our lives.
Not just hers, because it's kind of a packaged deal.
So please, oh please, good sir,
Don't break her heart.
I love her too much and you too
To see any hurt come from this.
Please, oh please, let this be a misunderstanding,
A weird phase,
Anything but a end
To a wonderfully written story
Filled with love, hope, growth, and understanding.
I can't bare to see it
I just don't know what to do.
I want to hug you both and make it all ok,
Like a kiss on a boo-boo,
And see both of your smiles
Light up the room.
Because it's getting rather dark in here...

It feels like a nose print on my glasses.
First, of course, my thoughts turn to you
And I think about how we got here.
All the good and not-so-good moments.
Sometimes I'm in a hurry and simply wipe away the smudge.
Sometime I let it sit.
Sometimes I like it there as a constant reminder
Of where we are at.
Where I am at.
In this place of love and honesty
And fear and crushing, suffocating hurt.

I wish I could wipe the feelings away
Like you nose print on my glasses.
But, then again, there will be more tomorrow.