Today
Today *****
It makes me sad and angry.
It makes me regret past decisions.
It makes me wonder if it could be different.
Or if it was inevitable.
Today ******* *****.

I wrote a poem as I fell asleep
But woke up and it was gone.
Lost in a dream world
That I can not separate from reality
Lost in a place I am scared
Lonely and forgotten
And as you wake me from this place
I question my safety
I question reality.
Do you know what that's like?
To not know what at true
And what is fabricated?
You hold me close
Tell me I am safe
To calm down
That you are right there.
I find it hard to believe you.
I find it hard to step out of that dream world
Where I am hated and unwelcome.
It feels almost right in some ways
Maybe that's why
When I wake
I wish you would have let me suffer.

I don't understand
So maybe I won't try.
I probably will fail
So why even try.
I wish it was different
But those are just wishes.
You've already quit.
So saddle up *******
Run away once again
When it gets hard for you
I will be here when you get back
And decide you want a change.
I'll do my best
And give you what I can
But this isn't all on me.
Yeah I ran too, but I came back.
Came back sorry and wanting to explain
But you covered your ears
And hummed a little tune
Close yourself off from me
So I couldn't explain.
I tired but I had no energy,
No patience at the time
But I am ready now
Ready as I can be
To fight this fight over and over
To try and get you back
Like I have so many times before.
I will try and try with all I have
But I can only give so much
I need you to want this too.
Please, oh please, want me too.

You shouldn't kiss me like that
Because you know what it does
To my poor little heart.
It makes it beat too fast
And flutter like a butterfly
Trying to spread its wings
And fly, fly, fly away with you.
That kiss makes me want
To never move again
To never leave this perfect bubble
We have here in this bed.

You are like the smudges on my glasses
The ones that never seem to go away
I can wipe at them
Clean my glasses with a special cloth
Run them under water
But they never go away.

I never seem to notice them
Until I need to see something clearly
And they they are
There YOU are
Distracting me.
Getting in my way.

You are an inconvenience.
Just a smudge on my life
In my mind
I can not erase
As hard as I try.

I will never be able to get rid of you
Get rid of these feelings.

Thanks for that, Dad.

I wake up,
I'm exhausted.
I drink some coffee,
I'm exhausted.
I go about my day,
I'm exhausted.
I go to bed,
I'm exhausted.
Rinse and repeat.

I love the way I just know things about you.
I know in the morning the first thing you will do is shower
Then you will dry off, comb your hair, raise your eyebrows as you look at your face.
Next you will put on boxers, socks, a white t-shirt, then shorts,
Pull on some sneakers and stand at your closet
Try and decide if you want a different shirt or just the white one today.
After your decision is made you will go make breakfast
Then go sit at your desk chair and browse the internet.
I love how predictable you can be.

I love that there is a place for everything in your life.
Your wallet goes in your right back pocket,
Your car key in the left back pocket,
All the other keys in your left front pocket
And then your phone in your right front pocket.

It's like this dance you do with me.
They way you are so predictable yet there are times I don't know what's next.
It keeps me on my toes.
Keeps me guessing, wanting more.
It makes me love those spontaneous moments of ridiculousness.
It makes me feel safe knowing everything has a place.
Because that means then
You've made a place for me.