Searching for my strength in my own self pity has left we weak of spirit and depleated of hope.
I am at a depilating stand still.
To pause is to fail.
To rest creates guilt.
By losing my sense of self,
I have lost my truth.
My instincts have been reduced to a whimper.

What do I take with me as I walk out that perverbal door?
         The butterflies I have kept hidden in my hope.
         My disintegrating resilience, slowly chipped away by your verbal thrashings and controlled blaming.  

The hijacking of  emotions.

I pack away what remains of my self esteem.
Delicately wrap the shattered pieces of my truth.
          To be replenished and reconstructed with sober eyes
                                                                ­                     and a revived mind.

I ask for the lessons yet to be learned.
And the love yet to be unconditional.

Left behind is my forgiveness without expectation.
My resentments without guilt.
My shame without implication.
I no longer need them to define me.

My apology is next to the many things left unsaid.
A silent acknowlegment of my regrets and carelessness.

We can each take the memories that remind us of a happier time.
When ignorance was euphoric and accepted.
Floating above reality in a kismet of our own creation.

Finally, we can each lovingly share the life-force that has made it all worth something.

I am getting ready for the calm.
           relief from the rampant and unwavering thoughts that **** my mind.
           self doubt clinging to my awakening like an incurable disease.

I am getting ready for the artificial happiness to relent
           surrcome to unforced laughter and genuine smiles.

I am getting ready for desire
      locked in the cellar of my shame
      along with so many other things

I am getting ready for hope
       the warmth of it washing over me
       engulfing, cleansing
       bringing with it the unblinding sunlight

I am getting ready for you
       my Beloved