You are not here.  I realize now in your absence
As I wait in angst
To feel your eyes upon me.  As the seconds
Progress
With ever increasing frustration
Fear
As my eyes continually look up.  My heart desperately
Awaiting
The sound of my name from your
Lips
I realize how much of me you possess

It is a dangerous thing.  I'm walking a terrifyingly
Thin line
The dark valley below is no stranger to me
It is always a progressive
Choice
But the fall is shocking and sudden

It is not right what I feel.  In these moments I cannot
Lie
I cannot feign control as the sweat
Glistens on my face
As my eyes frantically
Search
For the only image that can comfort my soul

It is wrong.  My heart is torn.  Between two worlds
Between truth and desire
You are not mine.   And I am not yours to
Possess
I let go.   Then, fumble through the void
For your hand
As I am falling.   Then lying
In wait

The other night I had a dream you died
It was so real
I could not wash off the feeling
I couldn't erase the image of your lifeless eyes
Haunting me

I try not to think of you now.  It hurts to hear your name
Pain
Rushes in like an unexpected storm
Then disappears

When he's playing the piano and my eyes are closed
It's your face I see
Pieces of shattered memories cut through me
Severing the numbness
Exposing the raw emotion -
The anger
The pain
How could you walk away without saying goodbye?!

Two spiders entwined
Clawing
Feeding off of - Destroying
Each other
I hated you more than I loved you
I spiraled into a pit - choking
On dirt
I never dreamed I would taste
I hated you
More than I loved myself
I could not escape
I could not breathe without you

You beat me down
It was all about control - the Italian way
(That's what you called it)
And the hatred -
If I was nothing
You were less than nothing
You could not control me
I broke the chains.  I beat my body
With stones
My tormented screams echoed through the streets -
As  I ran
From you and to you.  Possessed
But I could not be
Controlled
And I could not escape

One day I found myself dangling
From a window pane
But my fingers would not let go
I looked into the glass window
Horrified
By my own reflection.  By what I  had
Become
What you had made me into

In that moment I knew I had a choice
Dark or light
Life or death
Somewhere inside of the
Dank
Cold halls of my heart
I found the strength to climb
Down
To the solid ground
To kick dirt in your face
And escape

Then, there's the silence
When there's nothing left to say
In the darkness
We walk our separate ways
I try to tell myself you care
I try to feel it in the air
All the words
Locked in your heart

I hear it playing through my mind
It keeps screaming in my head
All the ways we went wrong
Choices that were made and cannot be undone
But you know  you're the only one
Who could ever touch my soul
Who could ever make me whole

And I'm losing you - again


You should have taken my hand
You should have made me  understand
All those years ago
I should have heard your  heart, all you couldn't say
So many things got in our way
Now we're  standing in the dark
With the silence in between
Blinded by all we should have seen

And I'm loosing you - again

The man who would be king, sitting high above me
What did you see
Looking at the world from where you stood?
What did you see in my eyes, looking up
Adoring you?
How many times did I silently beg
Climb down - closer to me
But you would not - or could not
Escape
Your shallow existence
You were trapped in the concept you had become -
And I was left drowning
In the shallow waters surrounding you

The man who would be king, staring at me
What was it I saw in your eyes -
Passion or fear?
Were you comforted or terrified
By my ability to see into your soul?
That lost boy
Reaching  - pushing me away
We were drowning together
But dying alone

The man who would be king - your crown so close
Yet so far away
My love for you much the same
Pain.  Frustration.  Hunger never filled
A masterpiece not quite complete
A shade or two from perfection
A heartbeat from paradise -
And then gone -
Like grains of sand through our fingertips

The man who would be king - years have passed
You stand alone
Diamond dust blowing in the wind - an empty thrown
Behind you
A faded picture,  crushed into the barren soil  -
This is all that remains
Of the glory that almost was

A lost swan - swimming alone
Searching
Lake to lake - door to door
Exiled
It's been a seemingly unending winter
Near death, she pulls herself from the water
To yet another dry shore
In the sky, they appear
Those angelic creatures - the  most beautiful she has
Ever seen
She feels something move within her
A restless river
A wild.  rebellious.  Illuminate.  Uncontrollable
Force
She remembers
It's only a fleeting second
But the image is there
Then she hears it -  tiny and distant
But undeniable just the same
The voice

It has been with her all along - not gone as she imagined
Only silenced

Now as the cold breaks, she watches the spring flowers
Forcing their way to the surface
Like the spirit within her, fighting to regain control
She knows
The daffodils will break through
Just as her inner wolf will reclaim her


But for now the voice is enough -  It is all she has
Ever needed

A feather blowing in the wind- searching for shelter but finding
No place to land
Caught in the vortex of the tornado's spin
Helpless

Action and reaction.  Cause and effect

Wandering aimlessly through the black sky
Speckled with light
Grasping at stars.  Distant images
Lies
Reaching for a blazing fire
Only to burn in the flame

Action and reaction.  Cause and effect

Drowning in truculent waters.  Swimming to the
Top
Only to be hit with another wave of emotion.  Victim of love
Victim of circumstance
Victim of everything and everyone, blind to my own
Pathetic
Self destruction

Action and reaction.  Cause and effect

Choking.   Face change color.   Near death.
I grab hold of the truth
Like a rock.  The only piece of solid ground in my universal
Insanity
I finally face myself.   My wounded soul
In all of its depth.   And darkness.   And pain.
And I am free of the cycle -

Action and reaction.   Cause and effect