It was a brisk Sunday afternoon.
You called me that day
You sounded frightened
I answered the phone with your average
"Hello?"
Even though I knew something was wrong.

You paused a moment,
So I thought you didn't hear me.
"Sarah?"
(You always start that way when you're serious)

"Yes?"
"Mydadjustpassedaway"
All in one breath, and then you broke down into tears
As if all of the pressure building up inside your lungs
Was released with one single puncture.

Your voice shook and quivered
And I knew you were crying.
You were never one to get emotional
So I started crying with you.

I was breathless, speechless
I began agonizing too.
And you could tell
Because you begged me to stop weeping.
I got angry with myself

You must have been going through unimaginable heartache
And you were the one pleading with me to stop crying?
You were the one who had just lost your dear father
And you were telling me we would get through this?
This is all backwards.

After this, we went through a series of
"I know" "It's okay" and "I love you"
However, only one of those even rang true at the time.
I didn't know anything, including what to say
And it was not okay, at least not yet
But I did love you, and do
And that was all I wanted you to know.

I had worried, for many days
Since he had become sick, I was scared for you
Since he has passed, I still am scared for you
But you give me no reason to be
As you are handling all of this so graciously.

How is this so?
You must be weighed down by this tragedy
And you make it look like
The world isn't that heavy at all.

Everything is moving
But I'm standing still.
Bouncing, up and down
Tilting, side to side
Spinning, in circles
I think I'm getting motion sickness.

Everything is moving
But I'm standing still.
Slowly, as if it's lagging along
And the world's passing me by.
Quickly, at speeds of 100 miles an hour
And I can't keep up anymore.
It's leaving me behind.

Everything is moving
But I'm standing still.
Now the motor's getting louder
And I can't shut it up.
Fast, slow, silent, deafening
When will it end?
I am ready to get off this ride.

How am I supposed to let you go?
There's so much I should have said
So much I should have done
Had we remained close
Could I have kept you around?

Had I held your hand through all of this
Had I tried to keep you away
From the things that destroyed you
Had I helped you when I knew
Had I tried to get back in touch
Would things have ended differently?

I hate the possibility that maybe they could have.
I hate feeling that even if it was a tiny , almost invisible
Chance that I could have saved you
That I didn't.

Part of me remembers
That while maybe I should have protected you
I was battling my demons simultaneously.
It kills me that I was able to overcome mine
That I still have the option to fight
And you don't.

Why is saying goodbye
So outside of the realm of human comfort?
Is it even okay to move on?
If I could say one thing to you
I would beg and plead
"Please don't go."

They never tell you how to feel
When a childhood best friend
Accidentally overdoses on some unknown contraband
At seventeen.

You have to learn for yourself
That it feels like
You're here
But you're not.
You're in pain
But it's not real.
That it's not happening
But it is.

We hadn't talked in a good deal of time
And yet, now it seems like time has run out.
My head feels like it's spinning in circles
But why?

Because I remember you
Playing in the street
With your edgy yet strangely appealing
Sense of humor that drew everybody to you.

Because I remember you
Teaching me to wear makeup
Building fortresses in the woods
We shared behind our houses.
Back then, we were obsessed with Chris Brown
And "With You" was rattling off our lips

Because I remember you
When you found out that I had been violated
In the worst way possible.
When you found out I had cut myself for the first time
Which, for what it's worth, I don't do anymore
And that you cared, always
Even at eleven or twelve.

Because I remember you as pure.
You are not your addiction
For you will always be an innocent
In my mind's eye.

Things
Are
Bad
Right
Now.

(so why can't I fix them?)

I've been told
There is more than enough of me
But will I ever be enough?

Worth is not measured by body mass
In fact,
It seems nearly the opposite.
Worth is measured by how much
You are willing to lose yourself
To conform with society.

You once were a mitten
When you emerged from your mother's womb
Perfectly and intricately woven
With no other quite like you.

You loosely resembled our culture's standards
Based on the actions of your superiors.

As you evolved into a young person
Your peers seem to sneer
So you change your clothes
Change your hair
Maybe then they'll like you
Maybe then you'll be okay

You become a latex glove
Each one the same
Skin tight and molded to fit
Society's overbearing fingers.

You lost yourself
As the words
"Too fat"
"Too ugly"
And
"Worthless"
Penetrated your impressionable mind

And so now
It would seem
That you are perfect for
Our army of robots
One by one
Marching to the media's drum
Same song over and over again

So make the choice
Tell yourself that whether
Your mental and physical densities
Happen to be subpar
Or if they are more than enough
That you are enough
For you.

I love ***,
But I hate love.

This is
A poem for the late nights
Or are they early mornings in disguise?
A song for the lost girls
And the petty details in which they are lost
A letter to the ones who
Spend nights, days, weeks, years
Agonizing about the future
And running from their past
A few stanzas blended together
For the lovers that float in limbo
The ones who can't let go of some scattered connection
That is seemingly unknown to the rest of the universe.
This is
A couple of words bleeding onto paper
That don't tell the whole story at all
*The spaces, however, do.

I have always been accustomed to cleaning up everyone else's messes.
At work I literally do it.
With my friends, I'm the peacemaker.
With my family, I always offer to assist financially
Or I'm not given a choice.
So why can't I seem to get my own life in check?
Why is my own slew of pain
Anxiety, worthlessness and loneliness
Just settling like oil on top of water?
Now, in the places I used to fix things
I'm breaking them.
Where I used to clean up messes
I'm making them.
At work I'm combative or panic stricken
Sometimes even both.
At home, sometimes I get mouthy
But when I offer to help with my parents' money problems
It just makes it worse.
And it's not like I have any friends anymore
I shut them all out
Or vice versa.
Now, I know this is a ramble
But all I want to know is
When will someone come to save me?
When will one of the people
Who I used to protect
Step in to help me
Clean up my messes
The way I fixed theirs?

Love.
Four letters
A syllable
That can transform a shattered heart
Can soften a warped mind
Can twist and bend separate lives
And mesh them into one.
Lack of love can
Destroy nations and civilizations
Cause a body and soul to frost over
Until the entirety of its spirit
Is left lifeless and icy.
So why is love so often confused with
Insults that are thrown like bad pitches?
Psychological abuse that infiltrates a vulnerable mind
And causes its owner to falter?
Phrases that are tossed around the dinner table like
"You're so annoying"
"You're fat"
"What is wrong with you?"
How can that be love?
How can we teach children that they have to respect their parents
Because they love them?
How can our daughters discern love from abuse in romantic relationships
When they hear this daily from their fathers?
How can our sons know how to treat a woman with dignity
When their dads act this way towards their moms?
And we wonder why the statistics
For violence among relationships
Are the way they are.
We wonder why girls are promiscuous
Well why the hell not?
We wonder why boys do not respect their female counterparts
Well why the hell would they?
Why can't parents just respect and accept their kids
As they supposedly agree to do
From the day they are born?
Maybe then we can teach the latter generation
That love and respect
Go hand in hand.

Once upon a time
There was a girl
Who was grieving
There was also a boy
Who took grave advantage of her situation.

Get away from me.
I never said yes
Did I say no?
I don't know
I don't...

No.
You don't get to blame your mental state
For what you did to me
I have depression too
And I would never do that to someone.

So then there was today.
When I had to train you at work
I saw you walk in for training
And prayed to God she wouldn't say my name.

"Sarah! Can you train _ on register?"
****.
*******. **** this. **** my life.
My anxiety has suddenly spiked through the roof.
I start shaking and digging nails into my wrist.

"Sh-sh-sure."
I st-stuh-stuttered like a scratched CD
This isn't fair
Why me?

I was impressed with myself
And how professional and cordial I was
I wanted to tear your eyes out
But I managed to tell you how to do your job effectively
And even was almost supportive when you got it right.

If that wasn't traumatizing enough
You have to try to flirt with me
Or act like we're friends
Well **** that.

You were never my friend.
I may have thought you were
But you were the opposite.
Besides,
You told my friend who's stuck on you like a sick puppy
(God knows what she sees in you)
That you hate me
That I cause drama
Etc.

At one time, I assumed you really did.
And I was okay with that
I lived with that perfectly fine
But now I know you see your fault
You know you did something awful
But you will never admit it.

So, in conclusion
Go ahead and stick your dagger in my chest
I won't even feel it.
I'll walk on pretending I'm fine
Even if I'm dying.

And finally**
***** you.

How can I expect you to believe
This ******* advice
That's spewing from my lips
When I'm a wreck myself?

Maybe I'll just take a walk
A walk through every town in which I lived
A walk through every man I loved
A walk through every face I used to know.

Maybe I can do that instead of hurting
With an unlit cigarette between my lips
As I flick the lighter with clear intent
But my hands are shaking
And this makes it harder.

Maybe I can try to forget
A burn for every time you hurt me
A cut in every place you touched me
I'd like to cut you out of my mind
Or watch you burn in Hell
I bet there's a special place there for people like you.

I'm tired of crying
I'm sick of trying
I don't feel like believing today.

Maybe I'll just sit in bed
Drinking away the pain.
Maybe I'll just spend my days here
Suffering alone.

I've always been against
The wasting of a mind
The desertion of a soul
The deterioration of a human spirit
I've never been a fan of
The desecration of a person
That sends them on
A downward spiral
Head first into the ground
I didn't appreciate
The way people who claim to be adults
Can take a young life and twist it
As if to blot out the sun
So these vulnerable eyes cannot see it.
I just never really liked
The pain, jealousy and depression
That a world like ours can cause
And how we can just sit back and enjoy
The detonation of a time bomb.

He watches from a ***** window pane
As his uncle suits up in his cap and gown
It's ironic how different they are.
Daddy was shot when he was young
He really never had anyone
Mama did her best
But sometimes
Best isn't sufficient for a ten year old child.

She is in excruciating pain each day
It's hard for her to get through them
She's got suicide on her mind
As so much death has penetrated her life already
She spews questions at God
"Why are you doing this? Why?"
Her grandmother has passed
And her mom's racking on the years
While she herself may need surgery
How is she supposed to handle it?

I myself am depressed and anxious
Recovering from loss
Wrestling with faith
Falling from grace
And yet
I have boundless opportunities
That they do not.
Sometimes, I feel guilty for this
But others I think
Maybe this is just a reminder
Of how we're not that different after all.
*We're all just human.

My life is my behind me
And I'm looking in a mirror
A year passed by
But did I do enough?

Circumstantially, my life became hell
Death and tragedy were glaring me in the face
And yet, my response was
"Bring it on, *******."

They did
And for a short time
It seemed they were winning.
I was assaulted and lost friends
Due to events surrounding it.
I lost loved ones
To death's spearhead.

I was sad
I was lonely
I was anxious
And I had every right to be.

An eating disorder had drawn me in
And lured me with his lies.
The end seemed to be approaching
As my abuser came back to work
And I could not even speak of
What he did to me.

However,
The fact that I could choose
Whether or not to care empowered me.
I stopped giving him what he wanted:
Control.
I took that back
And it feels spectacular.

My bulimia is almost gone
One more month until I reach remission.
This was done because I made a choice
A choice to stop the madness
That controlled my life
I took that back
And it feels delightful.

As for the tragic passings
They linger with me still.
They remain like a bad taste in my mouth
But I don't want to spit them out.
I remember each individual
As more than a tragedy, but a person
I remember them in life
Rather than in death.
I finally can control my memories that I replay.
I took that back
And it feels incredible.

So, in reflection
I took my life back
And it couldn't feel better.

My little sister had become an entitled *****. Her thirteenth year had brought terror on us all. I can't really complain, however; I had been the same way at thirteen and fourteen. It's funny how I act like I'm so much older and more mature now. At almost fourteen, I was having *** and sneaking around and I'm still doing that. However, I was in the god-awful scene phase of my life, not that we haven't all been there with the clip-in colorful extensions and the emo band tees. My sister is in the slutty Hollister model phase of her life. I feel like we all go through on or the other, or if you're lucky enough you go through both. My body type was always bustier and hippier than any Abercrombie model that I had ever seen.

My dad and I had always **** heads. It flares up when my mom isn't around to be the peacemaker. Even when she is home, we still argue frequently, and we take a lot of low blows at each other. Yet he also expects me to be perfect. He's always been on my case about my weight, my friends, my clothes, my hair, my personality...I can barely breathe around him.  Nothing I do is good enough for him and frankly, I've stopped trying to please him.

And me? Well, I'm just the black sheep, the dark horse, the family **** up. The **** up who isn't all that smart, in school or in life. The **** up who can't lose weight, and who takes the heat for the fact that majority of her family is overweight. The **** up who gets blamed for confrontation she gets into with her sister. The **** up who can't play sports and is just plain clumsy. The **** up who can carry a pitch, but will never be a star. The **** up who can't cook, dress or act right. The **** up who will never honor her family. The **** up who's always been subpar in every area of life. The **** up who has nothing to offer the world.

I claim to have empathy
But I also know I'm lacking.
I chuckled when you said
You'd marry him
You're in high school, sweetie
And when it didn't work out
I wasn't at all surprised.
When you ******* about your life
My mind was on mine
When you made every small problem
Bigger than it needed to be
My thoughts immediately said
"It could've been worse"
But my mouth didn't dare.
And then you have the gaul to tell me
That I'm being pessimistic and whiney
After all the times I bit my tongue
In front of you?
Sorry honey,
But I can falsify empathy for you.
If it's sympathy you want
Go look elsewhere.

I could never retrieve
The love I had for you
It was lost in flames and fury
That comes with clashing personalities.
I'm sorry you saw
The broken pieces within me
Piercing through my chest.
Families have fallen to bits
And so have I.
So why are you pretending
That you still have a chance
To be my one and only?
Stop acting
Like the broken bones and broken hearts
Mean nothing.
Stop trying
To get me back within your
Manipulative claws.
Yet with every hit we continue to take
Every late night phone call
Every time we meet up
I cannot say no.
With every shot of whiskey
You make
A shot in the dark.

Cigarettes and coffee
At midnight every night
People wonder why I don't sleep
But I don't question it
Nor do I care at all.

Sleep never did me any good
I was always exhausted anyway.
Nightmares took my mind
And passed it between their grimy fingers.
I do not wish to be subjected to that again.

Now, as a self-induced insomniac
These nightmares merely come true
Or they show up
In the form of hallucinations.

I guess when I found slumber
I had a better grip on my emotions.
But so what?
I am still out of control either way.

Sleep or no sleep
I am a sad and lonely
Shell of a human being
And I pray every night
That I will be okay again someday.

What has become of us
We the people
In the land of boundless opportunity
We fail to help
Those from whom these options
Have been stolen.

We are a nation of sheep
Who push oppression under the rug
Who ignore internal injustice
We put on a prosperous facade
And when people dare to push boundaries
To expose these crises
We do everything we can
To deter them

Just keep quiet
And fit the mold we are designed for
From the time we are infants.
At the very second we take our first breath
Our life is all about us
And we are conditioned to believe
That nothing else matters.

But what about them?
What about the children
Who's innocence has been taken
By adults who should guide them?

What about the people
All around the world
Who are written off immediately
Because of mental illness's talons?

What about the women
Who are denied basic human rights
Who were brutally attacked
And blamed for it
Solely because of the body they were born with?

We cannot leave them
To fight against wolves by themselves
And yet,
Many of us turn the other way
We don't want to hear about it
Much less talk about it

So unless we choose to
Stand up and extend an empathetic hand
This nation of sheep
Will morally crumble.

I give off
Fake smiles
Broken laughter
An agile body
That wants nothing more than to give up
Shallow friendships
All the while I'm hoping
That I will someday believe it too.

Look closer
Dark circles and bags
Droop around my lifeless eyes
The glint that once glimmered
Has been stolen from them again.

Even deeper
And you will see scars
All my over feeble frame.
Read a little more carefully
And a story begins to unfold.
I wish I could read it to you
But fear has taken over.

What you don't see*
The psychological and physiological damage
That jamming a finger down my throat repeatedly
Has caused.
The insomnia that keeps me restless
And the nightmares that hold me captive
When I do steal a chance to sleep.
The flashbacks who's mercy I am at
They can pop up anywhere, any time, any day
Thanks for nothing, PTSD.
The anxiety that terrorizes my mind
As I fail over and over again
To prioritize.
The loneliness that breaks my bones
And the depression that keeps me unmotivated.
All the questions, specifically:
Why am I such a failure?*

So now do you see
Why I am falling to pieces?

Knuckles that turned white
As I hold onto old addictions
They start to bleed red
So I let go.
At first, I feel blue
For I must overcome this
But my body wants to continue being comfortable.
Purple bruises cover my heart
As this is too much for me to handle.
Overtime,
A yellow light shines through my eyes
My face regains its pink and rosy hue
My world is not grey anymore
And finally, for the first time in years
I can see the world
In color once again.

I am not a slave to circumstance
A victim of consequence
I am not,
For I have a choice.

Everyday, I decide
Whether to hold on with my death grip
Or to succumb to the mayhem which
My life at one stage depended on.

While I still
Struggle with the urges to
Revert back to old habits
I will not.

While my body
Suffers from tremors of longing
For the self induced *****
That I used to punish myself with
I cannot.

While my mind
Still hurts with the pangs of confusion
As anxiety preys on
My already feeble brain
It would be easier just to cut or purge
I do not.

While I may be
Bent, damaged
And maybe even crazy
I, at this moment, remain
Unbroken.

I remember
A time
When all I desired
Was to fit in
Unharmed and unscathed.
But I never really fit the image
Or the clothing they tried to stuff me in
I carried a little extra skin
Creating every curve.
There was a time
When these curves disgusted me
And I did everything in my power
To hide them.
But why hide?
I was made a woman
Beautiful in stature and in knowledge.
So one day
I just said
"**** it."
I wasn't meant to blend in
But to speak out instead.
I am not ashamed of anything
And so I lay it all out for you
Every bit of me lays
Right in front of your beady eyes
*Here I am.

You're like a grease stain
A soot smudge
A skid mark
On a newly waxed floor
A clean shirt
A recently washed car.

You turn
Everything you touch to dirt.
It's a blessing for you
As you love watching decimation
But it curses everything in your world
Destruction is your favorite passion.

I wish
I could tell her what you've done
How none of it is fair
How, although you desired me
You never cared
About what I wanted and needed from you.

I cannot wait
Until she see how you are
When things don't go your way.
If she still loves you then
You two deserve each other.

You may think
It was no big deal
Considering you make excuses for yourself
And you'll deny it
Until the day God takes you home
Or sends you to where you belong.

However,
It marked my life
With a big bold X
It was my scarlet letter
And yet
I could not even control
What you did to me.

I lost friends
I lost trust
I lost control
I lost everything
All because
You couldn't stand hearing the word
"No."

So, darling
It was a huge deal
As you left a grease stain.
Now it seems as though it is impossible
To wash me clean.

I never cease to be confused
About
What did or didn't happen
About
The severity of the situation
About
The sadness dripping out my pores
About
How my innocence could become yours
About
The brokenness I just can't shake
About
Every night I lie awake
About
The shot of ***** burning my mouth
About
How badly I wish I could spit you out
About
The whispers in the dark
About
The shallowness within my heart
About
Nights that seamlessly turn into days
About
My life that so easily slipped away.

Negatives*

"You want to be a big kid, don't you?"
I was seven
You were fourteen.
Why would you think that's okay
To say to someone as vulnerable as me?

"Can you just whining about it?
It's happened to you, it's happened to others
Move on."
You were my first love
How can you do this to me?
You were supposed
To love, and cherish, and support me
So what gives you the right
To make snide remarks about my abuse?

"You would have locked him up for life?
He was a kid too.
It would be a little drastic to make him pay
For that mistake forever."
How the hell can you say that?
You were molested too
And you have the gaul to try to convince me
Not to press charges?
Now I'll be the one paying for it
Forever.

"You're only fun when you're *****."
You assaulted me
Even if I can barely bring myself to believe it.
You made my life hell
And wouldn't let up
Your psychological grip on me.
I was *grieving
And you took advantage of me.
*******, you *******.

"If you really cared
You would have told someone sooner.
All you do is cause drama."
You were supposed to be my friend
And you begged me to know what happened.
I was just trying to protect her
When I told her to stay away.

"All guys do that.
It doesn't make it right
But you just feel this way because you regret it."
You had always been there for me
And I know you didn't mean to hurt me
By saying this.
It minimized what happened
And made me ashamed to tell other people
Because I was afraid I was being over dramatic.

Positives

"I'll keep him away from you.
He makes me sick to my stomach."
You are more than just my manager
You treat me like your daughter.
When he came back to work
You protected me
And I can never thank you enough for that.

"You are not overreacting!
I can't believe you are as strong as you are."
As my best friend
I would expect nothing less
Than for you to be there for me through all of it.
And yet, hearing that
Took a huge load off of my already breaking back.

"We love you no matter what
It is your decision about pressing charges."
Although I never went through with it,
I know you would have been my biggest supporters.
I do not know why
My second assault has yet to come to your attention.
Mom and dad,
We haven't always gotten along
But this was one situation in which
I could not have had better parents
And I cannot thank you enough.

"I will go to the ends of the Earth to help you."
You are a guidance counselor
And it may be your job to do this
But it made me feel like everything I felt
Was validated.
It made me feel like I had a hero
On my side.

To all of the negatives:
Get out of my life.
To all of the positives:
I can never show you
How much I appreciate
Everything you have done.

Disgusted with the way
You pulled my hair out of my face
I looked up to you
But right now
I am looking down at you.

I am seven years old
And my big Levittown style home
Surrounded by a white picket fence
In all it's ironic glory
Consumes me alive.

You always told me
This is what big kids do.
But I am not a big kid yet.

You always told me
This is just a game
But it isn't fun anymore.

You always told me
This is normal
But this is the farthest thing from it.

Now "home" and "family"
Mean nothing to me.

I thought it would be hard
To remember a person who has passed
As sick.
Luckily, I will never think of you
As anything less than wonderful.
But what if
You cannot remember me that way?

I was ill
The last time you saw me.
I was addicted
The last time we got together.
All I want
Is for you to see me recovered.

You never knew
What I was doing to myself.
It kills me inside
That the last time I was at your house
I spent half the time in the bathroom
Purging.

I was never happy
And you must have seen that shift in my character.
It makes me want to pull my hair out
When I think about
Who I am
And who I was
When the eating disorder monster
Had me in her jealous claws.

Sticking a finger down my throat
Never made it better.
And I wish you could remember me
In recovery
Not in the throws of addiction.
I wish I could leave a legacy
Like the one you left with me.

They say
"Old habits die hard"
In reality
The only way to get rid of
The beast of addiction
The monster of obsession
The serpent of temptation
Is to
****** the **** thing
Before it can **** you first.

Why does everyone keep telling me
I'm fine?
I am sick of people acting
Like they know what's best for me.
What's right
What's wrong
Like everything's that black and white.
Death and grief
Come in different tints and hues.
Tragedies like abuse
Still have various nuances.
And illness, whether physical or mental
Has different shades too.
So stop saying
I'll be okay
I'm pessimistic
I am over dramatic
I'm selfish
Could we just
Silence the clamor for a while?
All of this noise
Is giving me a headache.

Please forget about me
Things change
Quicker than I care to believe
And I have too.

I am not happy anymore
I am bitter and afraid
That every relationship I forge
Will suddenly deteriorate.

I pushed everyone away
But one of the few who remained
Might be very sick with cancer
Why does this keep happening?
It is not fair that for years
I lost fewer people
Than I have in the past eight months.

What if
I'm just not meant to be okay?

Did you ever know me?
We were inseparable
Walking through flourishing fields
I was always "your girl"
But we began to drift.

Did you ever know me?
I never let you see
The heinous parts of the
Life I really led.
It was like specks of dirt stuck underneath fingernails
And I could never get it out.

Did you ever know me?
I would have gone to the moon and back
Just to see your face one more time.
Why do I feel so guilty
That you're flying high?
I couldn't have stopped it
But I could have said goodbye.

Did you ever know me?
The last message you ever sent
Was to my mom, talking about me
Getting sick at work.
"I hope Sarah feels better"
"She must be embarrassed."

Did you ever know me?
If you did, you never knew this side
The "Life After Grandpa" has not bode well
With the an emotionally damaged me.
Crying every day
Being afraid to be by myself
Fear that everyone will pass away
Before I can say goodbye.

Did you ever know me?
I know you're watching over me
But you are also watching me do stupid things
Like talking to various men
Who want me for one reason.
Having a physical relationship with my ex
Who was horrible to me.
Smoking until my lungs go black
And my brain goes numb.

Did you ever know me?
Well, even if you didn't
You do now.

I want you
Breathing down my neck again
So I can feel the hot daggers
Stab me with every exhalation.

I want you
Running your fingers over me
Like I am your own personal painting
Go on, admire your masterpiece
What you've done to me
I hope it makes you feel secure.

I want you
Watching me get embarrassed again
It turns you on
And it's disgusting.
I am not here for your amusement.

I want you
Hiding who you really are
Lying to everyone around
Playing the victim
Every **** time.
Well, baby
You victimized me.

I want you
To rot in Hell for what you did to me.
I know its wrong
But I can't stop feeling
Like I just wish you were dead.
Because sometime I used to wish I was
But it's not my fault.

I want you
To take it all back
So I never have to remember it
Again.

I want to be okay
I just want to give up.
I hate drama
I find it amusing.
I am trying to get better
I am not trying at all.
I like myself
I'm a stupid *****.
My friends are my rock
No one likes me anymore.
I can block out flashbacks that I don't care to remember.
I think about what happened to me every second of the day.
I'll get over this.
I don't know how to move on.
I've got it all together
I am falling
           A
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Did I make you lose your faith in love?
Darling, I know I'm so horrible
And the fact that I walked away
Oh, you could have died that day
But you didn't
And thank God for that.

Did I make you lose your faith in God?
Or some higher diety
That may or may not exist.
Sorry I question the things
That do not make sense to me.
I know I should just fall in line
Right?

Did I make you lose your faith in humanity?
Well I guess I'm just that terrible
I might as well have caused a world war
Because you treat me like a prisoner
I know it's all my fault.

Did I make you lose your faith?
No, honey
You have been faithless from the start.

So much hate in this world
Has gone unaddressed.
We hear plenty
About slavery in the early American days
And how how a civil war abolished it.

But our children do not understand
That there is still slavery today
Humans are being sold
In a secret industry that's booming
Here in the US and abroad.

We talk about racism in the 60s
And the future generation does not know
That men and women worldwide
Are being persecuted
Based on the pigments in their skin.

The Jewish Holocaust in World War II
Is discussed in classrooms
All over the earth.
Yet, the students remain blind
To the genocides that are prevalent in countries
That are flying under the radar.

Millions of people, slaughtered
Because of their beliefs and ethnicity
And we just sit back and let it happen
With our heads in the sand.

Women and children, beaten and *****
Because of their husbands' and fathers' sins.
Children being drugged
And forced to fight
For an adult's war
By those who were supposed to protect them.
And all we can say is
"How sad."

Many of us throw money in an emotionless pail
To help the causes so foreign to us.
Why can't we wake up
And help the less fortunate?
Even the most destitute of the United States
Do not know the poverty and violence
That prevail in developing countries.
And this is not solely their problem
But one for the human race as a whole.

Teachers, are you listening?
Won't you speak up
And teach the future leaders
About things less commonly discussed
Because they aren't so happy?
Abandon your pride
Because those events that go unaddressed
Leave us unaware.

You told me things would be alright
So why I am still grieving?
Six weeks, no relief
From the pain I try to avoid.
It seems to find me at every corner
Chasing after me
Like a snake in the grass
It constricts my body
Until I can no longer move.
My limbs go limp
And my white knuckles
Fall away like pedals
Of a dead and rotting flower.
I am isolated
From all the old friends
Who thought they knew me
Before I checked out of life as we know it.
I did not want to be a bother
As it seemed I was becoming.
So I crawled back into my old shell
Retreated to my cave
And shut my mouth.
No one wants to talk about it
And I don't want to deal with anything
So does that make me a bad person?
The fact that I will do anything and everyone
Just to repress these feelings?
I don't know.
I just... wish I knew.
Sometime I wonder if anyone can save me
And other times
I don't want a hero.

Where did all the sunshine go?
Did you take it with you
When you went away?
Ironically enough,
We've had the nicest weather
Since you've been gone.

But my head has been filled with clouds
And my heart with thunder.
Raindrops fall from my eyes
Caressing my cheeks romantically.

He has brought the sunshine back
To my body
Little by little
Specks have penetrated through
My empty emotions.

However,
He is unaware of the secret life I lead.
Would he still care
If he knew the abuses I inflict upon myself
From time to time?
He would leave
Just as everyone else thus far has.

My sense of reality has blackened
Death is so sudden
And all I can think of when I start to care
About anyone at all is
"They might not be here tomorrow
So what's the point in getting attached?"
But I also value my life
A little more every day.

Yet still, I am depressed
Not okay, freaked out
All of the above.
Where did all the sunshine go?
Angel, you took it with you
That's why heaven is so bright.

A coping technique
So broad and misunderstood
Is selective memory.
When I see you
I breathe
And try to disconnect myself
From feelings that occur
When I think about what happened.
Then I begin to believe
That none of it is true.
You never assaulted me
We don't have history
I am fine.
My trembling hands become steady
My racing heart softens itself
And becomes a cushion.
I really am okay.
Then, you even have the gaul to talk to me
"Hi Sarah."
All I can do is stutter and spit out is
"Hi."
After all,
I am all smiles from here on out.

You are the gun to my head
The water underneath my feet
The chill in my bones
The part of my mind that wanders
To deep and desolate ruins
That scare the **** out of me.
You have used me
Trashed me
Destroyed me.
I call myself compassionate
And yet
Sometimes, I wish you would hurt too.

Do you see them?
The puzzle pieces of my life
Scattered on the ground
Sharp enough to break the shallow skin
Of a heart destroyed.

Why am I so broken?
The worst part is feeling helpless
Like matter what I do
Destruction seems to follow.

Am I out of my mind?
My old friends have all dissipated
Like fog in the evening.

Did they forget me?
My mind and body are faltering.

Is it too late to pretend this isn't real?

Why does it make me
So ******* angry
That you died so soon?
You were not supposed to leave
But you didn't suffer
So why do I worry?
Why do I cry and scream
Even when I think I'm happy?

----

You can burn in Hell
For what you did to me
Your mere presence makes me ill
And the fact that I am keeping your secret
Is more than devastating.
But I'm not keeping it for you

You **** me off
Because you are alive
But you don't scare me
So why do I cry and scream
Even when I think I'm happy?

------

I'll never tell, darling
Because that's what you want
Is for it to destroy me
But its doing that anyway.
So which is worse, baby?

I'll never tell, honey
That the loss of your life
Is eating my heart away
So which is worse, sweetie?

Anger or sadness
Which is worse?

My thoughts encircle my head
An angry loop
A skipping CD
A song stuck on repeat

Vicious spiders
Eat my brain from the inside out
They grow in there
And they expose
My fears, my sadness, my doubts

My body screams for relief
It causes me not to sleep
Because if I do
There is a good chance
I will wake up
And everything will be an unfinished mess
My life is already in shambles.

My emotions
May as well be a noose
Entangling thoughts
Creating feelings
That eventually lead to actions
Soon enough
They all die too.

My thoughts encircle my head
An angry loop
A skipping CD
A song stuck on repeat

Song stuck on repeat
Stuck on repeat
On repeat
Repeat
Epeat
Peat
Eat
At
T

Point the barrel of your gun
Directly at my head.
I can feel the metal
Still hot from your last victim
I know you mean business
So why don't I get scared?
I just want this to be over.
But no,
That would be too easy for you
You want to watch me continue
To suffer and pine for the old me.
You don't **** me
As that would ruin your fun.
You simply torture me
With the option of death.
But is it a threat or a temptation?
Who am I kidding?
You would never let me die
As if you did
You could not admire what you have destroyed.

Why didn't you tell someone sooner?*
They ask
As judgement bleeds from their eyes
And suspicion seeps through their pores.
I shrug
Admit I have absolutely no proof
And continue to look like a fool
To everyone in the room.
A dream sequence this may be
But it's not like it hasn't happened before
And won't happen again.
There's no point in explaining
Reliving that nightmare
Or becoming the victim
When he will get away with it anyway.
I already know how this story ends
And therefore
My lips remain sealed.

I love you
And I hope you've found your
Home.

"You'll regret it after it happens"
They always say
"Once you break up,
"You'll wish you had waited."*
So why don't I regret a thing?
The loss of such a sensual part of my being
My body's innocence
Shouldn't I be more upset
That I simply gave it to you?
I didn't make you work for it.
Shouldn't it make me go crazy?
Or maybe
I was just that crazy from the start.
Maybe,
I was never really innocent
At all.