Your crooked smile betrayed me
Your cracked lips lied to me
Your greasy hands violated me
But who am I to complain?

You stole the ground from beneath my feet
You stole the sanity from the mechanism of my mind
You stole my control right out of my hands
But who am I to complain?

I wish this wasn't real
I wish this wasn't true
I wish this would all just go away
But who am I to complain?

Now, I am taking what is rightfully mine
Now, I am living, rather than merely being alive
Now, I am my own hero
Now, I am shouting louder than ever
Because you tried to keep me quiet.

I am finally granting myself
The right to complain
Because this is unacceptable
And yet
Society makes it seem okay.

****** assault is never normal
Therefore
I will never stop complaining
Until it is obsolete.

Please do not tell me you understand
Until you have been molested on one occasion
And assaulted on another
By people you trusted dearly.

Please do not tell me you have felt my pain
If you have not lost six people whom you loved
Over the course of a year
Not to mention
Nearly every one was a sudden loss
And you never even got to say goodbye.

Please do not say that you get it
If you have never seen your family and best friends
Grapple with questions that you cannot answer
And you are hurting too
But you are forced into this limbo
Where you cannot grieve aloud.

Please do not say you have been sad like me
Because you have never been depressed.
You have never taken a knife to your dense skin
Or a handful of pills at the worst of it.
I feel better now
But mental illness does not simply dissipate in a few years.

Please don't tell me that you have felt uncomfortable with your body too
You are beautiful and thin
And I understand that is no reason not to have insecurities
But unless you have made yourself throw up
Multiple times a day
And people did not believe you when you finally had the courage to say
"I have an eating disorder"
You can never get it.

Please don't tell me I can just diet if I try hard enough
It isn't that easy.
Bulimia is not merely about weight
But about self-image, control
And a toxic relationship with food.
Not to mention
My parents did everything in their power
To avoid dealing with my problem.
Have you ever felt that way?

Please, don't speak
I'll tell you my story.
Please,
Just listen.

Tell me what's really bothering you*
Well, if you would really like to know
How petty and pathetic I really am
Then here it goes.

You see,
I'm afraid of being alone.
I don't mean without a partner
Even though that may be a long term fear.
But I am currently concerned with
People not accepting me.
Losing all of my friends.
Even losing myself.

Perhaps it stems from
My father telling me I have no social skills
And ridiculing me for it daily.
Maybe my own self-image
Has destroyed the hope that anyone could be okay with me
Because I am not.

Either way,
It has caused me to refuse any compliment that comes my way.
I never expect love
And luckily I am seldom surprised
When things do not work out.
Why would they?
I do not deserve to be happy.

I wish I could explain this to someone
How I am lost with no direction
No GPS or map telling me
How to love myself
Or how to accept it from others.
I cannot function like people around me
Because they probably hate me anyways.
And the mere thought of that scares the hell out of me.

So, as for what's "truly on my mind"
There you have it, my dear shrink.
And you can shove it up your self-righteous ***.

Did you catch me staring?
Trying to figure out what your chiseled body looks like
Underneath those clothes
Your blue jeans and polo shirts turn me on.
Did you catch me staring?
I was merely trying to see your heart
Through your carefully constructed facade
Later, it became evident, however.
Did you catch me staring?
Oh, how embarrassing.
I hope these walls don't speak a word of it.
Of my unwavering love for you.
Did you catch me staring?
I promise,
I really did try so hard to look away
But that only drew me to you more.
Did you catch me staring?
You are the reason I cannot focus on anything else
*And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Oh, my dear
Why do you still come around here?
You remain unwanted
By all those who reside in this town.
You never were a very good neighbor
Always screaming louder and louder
Until someone would give in or give up
And it happened nearly every time.
You convinced the entire area to do terrible things
Causing unrest between previously coexisting vessels
And now everything is a mess.
You did this, oh Great Destroyer
Mental illness,
Why do you linger here in my head?