You're like a grease stain
A soot smudge
A skid mark
On a newly waxed floor
A clean shirt
A recently washed car.

You turn
Everything you touch to dirt.
It's a blessing for you
As you love watching decimation
But it curses everything in your world
Destruction is your favorite passion.

I wish
I could tell her what you've done
How none of it is fair
How, although you desired me
You never cared
About what I wanted and needed from you.

I cannot wait
Until she see how you are
When things don't go your way.
If she still loves you then
You two deserve each other.

You may think
It was no big deal
Considering you make excuses for yourself
And you'll deny it
Until the day God takes you home
Or sends you to where you belong.

However,
It marked my life
With a big bold X
It was my scarlet letter
And yet
I could not even control
What you did to me.

I lost friends
I lost trust
I lost control
I lost everything
All because
You couldn't stand hearing the word
"No."

So, darling
It was a huge deal
As you left a grease stain.
Now it seems as though it is impossible
To wash me clean.

I never cease to be confused
About
What did or didn't happen
About
The severity of the situation
About
The sadness dripping out my pores
About
How my innocence could become yours
About
The brokenness I just can't shake
About
Every night I lie awake
About
The shot of ***** burning my mouth
About
How badly I wish I could spit you out
About
The whispers in the dark
About
The shallowness within my heart
About
Nights that seamlessly turn into days
About
My life that so easily slipped away.

Negatives*

"You want to be a big kid, don't you?"
I was seven
You were fourteen.
Why would you think that's okay
To say to someone as vulnerable as me?

"Can you just whining about it?
It's happened to you, it's happened to others
Move on."
You were my first love
How can you do this to me?
You were supposed
To love, and cherish, and support me
So what gives you the right
To make snide remarks about my abuse?

"You would have locked him up for life?
He was a kid too.
It would be a little drastic to make him pay
For that mistake forever."
How the hell can you say that?
You were molested too
And you have the gaul to try to convince me
Not to press charges?
Now I'll be the one paying for it
Forever.

"You're only fun when you're *****."
You assaulted me
Even if I can barely bring myself to believe it.
You made my life hell
And wouldn't let up
Your psychological grip on me.
I was *grieving
And you took advantage of me.
*******, you *******.

"If you really cared
You would have told someone sooner.
All you do is cause drama."
You were supposed to be my friend
And you begged me to know what happened.
I was just trying to protect her
When I told her to stay away.

"All guys do that.
It doesn't make it right
But you just feel this way because you regret it."
You had always been there for me
And I know you didn't mean to hurt me
By saying this.
It minimized what happened
And made me ashamed to tell other people
Because I was afraid I was being over dramatic.

Positives

"I'll keep him away from you.
He makes me sick to my stomach."
You are more than just my manager
You treat me like your daughter.
When he came back to work
You protected me
And I can never thank you enough for that.

"You are not overreacting!
I can't believe you are as strong as you are."
As my best friend
I would expect nothing less
Than for you to be there for me through all of it.
And yet, hearing that
Took a huge load off of my already breaking back.

"We love you no matter what
It is your decision about pressing charges."
Although I never went through with it,
I know you would have been my biggest supporters.
I do not know why
My second assault has yet to come to your attention.
Mom and dad,
We haven't always gotten along
But this was one situation in which
I could not have had better parents
And I cannot thank you enough.

"I will go to the ends of the Earth to help you."
You are a guidance counselor
And it may be your job to do this
But it made me feel like everything I felt
Was validated.
It made me feel like I had a hero
On my side.

To all of the negatives:
Get out of my life.
To all of the positives:
I can never show you
How much I appreciate
Everything you have done.

Disgusted with the way
You pulled my hair out of my face
I looked up to you
But right now
I am looking down at you.

I am seven years old
And my big Levittown style home
Surrounded by a white picket fence
In all it's ironic glory
Consumes me alive.

You always told me
This is what big kids do.
But I am not a big kid yet.

You always told me
This is just a game
But it isn't fun anymore.

You always told me
This is normal
But this is the farthest thing from it.

Now "home" and "family"
Mean nothing to me.

I thought it would be hard
To remember a person who has passed
As sick.
Luckily, I will never think of you
As anything less than wonderful.
But what if
You cannot remember me that way?

I was ill
The last time you saw me.
I was addicted
The last time we got together.
All I want
Is for you to see me recovered.

You never knew
What I was doing to myself.
It kills me inside
That the last time I was at your house
I spent half the time in the bathroom
Purging.

I was never happy
And you must have seen that shift in my character.
It makes me want to pull my hair out
When I think about
Who I am
And who I was
When the eating disorder monster
Had me in her jealous claws.

Sticking a finger down my throat
Never made it better.
And I wish you could remember me
In recovery
Not in the throws of addiction.
I wish I could leave a legacy
Like the one you left with me.

They say
"Old habits die hard"
In reality
The only way to get rid of
The beast of addiction
The monster of obsession
The serpent of temptation
Is to
****** the **** thing
Before it can **** you first.

Why does everyone keep telling me
I'm fine?
I am sick of people acting
Like they know what's best for me.
What's right
What's wrong
Like everything's that black and white.
Death and grief
Come in different tints and hues.
Tragedies like abuse
Still have various nuances.
And illness, whether physical or mental
Has different shades too.
So stop saying
I'll be okay
I'm pessimistic
I am over dramatic
I'm selfish
Could we just
Silence the clamor for a while?
All of this noise
Is giving me a headache.