Help me
I’m trapped, falling into the abyss
All I can see is darkness
Voices whisper to me as I sink
And no one can hear them but me.

Save me
The walls are closing in
And my arms are getting squeezed too tight
Please, loosen the ropes around me
Catch me before I fall again.

Release me
I see the light through a hole in the cave
But the glimpse only lasts a second
And just as quickly as it arrived,
The light disappears.

          It is dark again.

A scared, sad little girl arose from her seat
At the dinner table, where thoughts went off beat.
Her plate empty, her stomach full,
And a brain filled with plans
To become a perfect little girl.

So she slowly sunk back to her room
Laid down on her bed, dark thoughts abloom.
Surrounded by the evil voices in her head,
And despite the howls and the screeching sounds,
Those terrible thoughts, she could not shred.

When she later arose with a tear-stained face,
She stalked to the sink, and gripped onto its base.
A glance in the mirror, a monster she saw,
With tiny seeds of self-love and self-hate
And out came that dinner, once and for all.

Eventually invisibility was all anyone could see
As she withered away, she was happy as could be.
Our beauty now lives with a broken mind, body, and soul,
But because of her secret no one shall know,
She forever has a heart full of sadness and holes.

The secrets you keep **** me inside
Every little word you spoke was a lie.
You took the most precious key that I had
And used it for nothing but grief and passion gone mad.
A robber, a murderer, a liar you are
Making me hate every last breath that you draw.
I hate how I love the feeling of your skin
But you’re a conniving cheater, man’s biggest sin.
You took a love given only once every life
Now filling my heart and my body with strife.
Deep feelings of anger and sorrow now abide
In the corners and crevices hidden in my mind.
What to do, what to think, even what to feel
Are wonders unknown to this broken down peel.

I look up into the beaming sun
With bright, shining blue eyes
And I can see through the arising grey curtain
That more thunder is forthcoming.

I stare at the movement around me
Yet I don’t see anything at all
And the smell of the taunting dew haunts me
With the knowledge of newness and cleansing for others.

I feel the water dripping down my face
But I do not know where I am
And the pebbles piercing tires in the street
Fail to drain through the specially placed holes in the curb.

I taste the mud and the drops of desire on the tip of my tongue
As I gasp with relief, the sky clears
And I am blinded by the sun
Yet almost immediately, drought and desire return again.

My nails get shorter
My eyes get wider
My smile gets duller
My skirt gets tighter
Leaves fall
Flowers wilt
Children call
Pictures tilt
Questions arise
Seats empty
The wedded despise
No one’s free
It has the ultimate power
To ruin lives and love
It increases every ******* hour
And burns our skin from above
Guns are built
Trees are uprooted
Blood is spilt
Cries come from the new kid
No one can win
It all ends in a tie
It’ll crack our heads in
So get ready to die.

Drumsticks pound at a continuous beat
For every fourth count they sound
And they resonate like the drone
Of a hive of bumblebees.
Common sense tells oneself to hide –
Run far, far away from the sound of the drone –
For if one gets too close, a sting will ensue.
I, however, cannot run;
The hive is in my head,
And it gets louder every day.
No spray, no poison can terminate
No net, no flower can rid
My mind of the little terrors
Lurking at the end of my ear canals.

For the monsters are trapped –
I am trapped – in an invisible prison,
A prison which was has no key, no guards.
With impenetrable walls of steel
And the torture of loudness that
Not even an immortal could endure.
But the worst term of my sentence is time –
I will be here for a very long time –
As I will be imprisoned here
Forever.

I feel the tendrils creeping in
Wrapping around my core, my neck
The muscles slowly strengthen, suffocating me
Making my calls so muted they’re virtually nonexistent.
I’m shouting though I can’t breathe,
But no one can hear my screams from the
Deep, dark trenches of the shadowy sea
As unbeknownst creatures emerge,
Leaving their places of sweet asylum
And intruding upon mine,
Yet, I still am stranded here in this place.
I don’t even know where I am,
But the voices of fear and insecurity in my mind,
Tell me what I need to do - when, why, how -
Steadily I hear a crescendo of a piano some distance away,
So far, almost on the outskirts of the complex town inside my mind,
Though I discover the music is waiting just around the bend.
A flats, F sharps – getting louder, louder!
“Stop!” I am screaming now
Or at least I think that’s me.
But the music blocks out my voice
That tender little voice of mine.
Suddenly, as I see a blonde-haired head pop up,
I lose my balance, and I begin to fall
Deep into an abyss, a magical abyss
With walls that close in more and more the farther I drop.
As the yellow light above me slowly dims,
I expect a rope, a ladder, anything,
But there is no one there to save me.
I realize the opening I see is a barrel,
And I am staring directly into its wide-eyed face.
A click tells me that the trigger is ready,
As the melody overtakes me and
I am caught in a whirlwind of music.
Spinning, spinning, everything going round and round
All I can see is the darkness behind my eyelids.
So I cry out loud yet again
But no one comes to my side,
Which doesn’t matter, I guess –
I don’t want my skin to be a bulletproof sheath,
Protecting and preserving my unyielding wall.
I want the demons to infiltrate my soul and strip me of this agony
So that I can finally smile amidst the ocean’s fury
As the tornado destroys my mind
And the tendrils of the music pull me in.

You radiate magnificence and truth
A soft luster attracts the greatest love
Shimmering with halcyon times of youth
I, your chemistry undeserving of.

Loose molecules are forgettable threads
Yet the simplest dissolve and agonize
The scattered musings in your mind are webs
Great Walls of which I cannot hydrolyze.

You’re the one element I deeply crave
But we’re no match; I am passionate red -
If a one thousand sixty-three heat wave
Should pass, I’d make a mold of the unsaid.

All that glitters is not gold, people say.
But in my eyes, your shine’ll never decay.

I know that this is wrong, our bodies intertwined so;
But when my leg touches your leg,
And your leg touches my leg,
Even the sharpest strike of lightning could in no way
Ignite the fire that the friction of our skin creates.
Why must there be only twelve numbers on the clock?
For our time of now has been cut short, snipped by
The scissors of Fate, and only one thread remains to determine
If we shall ever meet again.

The tousled blanket and the pillow falling off the bed
Are the only remaining evidence of our existence;
Yet when I make the bed at dawn,
I will flatten the sheets,
I will straighten the pillows,
and I will bid you goodbye.
And as I sit here alone, the door locked until time persists,
I remember the volcanic essence of our nights together -
The way your touch sends shivers down my spine -
And the whiteness of your eyes coming at me from the darkness of your face.

Now that we have parted and the holy aura from our bodies gone,
My brain can only feel the chemicals left by your aroma.
Nothing remains but the memory of scorching breaths and sticky arms
As well as the feeling of your smooth bicep lying across my bare chest -
The story of two star-crossed lovers with a finale seemingly as tragic.

One step onto the sidewalk is a burst of fresh air inside my lungs
As I feel the explosion of feeling provoking expression
The possibilities just around the corner are waiting
Like a passerby anxiously waiting to cross the street
Hectic intersections before the destination
The objective? A trace of importance, matter

Eyes dart around like gnats, testing the waters
Frightened thoughts **** and pearly white teeth flash
Nervousness pervading through the crowds
A performer’s opening act
Creating a new era
An unknown journey’s dawn

The first breath on Earth
Expectations
Happiness
Future
Hope

Sometimes I feel blessed by the Gods
These gifts I’ve received
But I am not Hercules
I don’t deserve any sort of Chiron
I don’t want any benefaction
Take them away,
These powers – superpowers
That have been bestowed upon my soul.

I am not a hero,
I am not an extraordinary being –
I am sub-par,
A simple human at best,
And I don’t want my skin
To be a bulletproof sheath
Protecting and preserving the unyielding wall
Between Olympus and Earth.

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone
The things we take for granted
Forget to be thankful for,
Even on the most thankful of holidays.

These things are lungs
Pulling life in, pushing death out –
Stretching
Constricting
Diffusing
Incomprehensible

Two porous sacs so seemingly simple
Yet so complex, so undeniably fragile
Connected only by a string
Easily snipped like a thread of hair.

Two vital organs so seemingly complex
Yet so simple, so surmountable
A few puffs, one burst
And suddenly defunct forever.

Like a springtime blossom
Lungs are Her Romeo and Juliet
Growing
Flowering
Collapsing
Forsaken

Come winter, the leaves will fall
Barren branches remain
Bereft of in and outs
Leaving only a cavity in the chest.

I tried to write a poem today
but then I realized
I don’t feel anything.

I am numb.

My eyes have been looking
For weeks, months, years
For perfection –
Or at least perfection in their view.

They see me try my hardest
They see me throw away necessities
They see me fall.
They cry.

But my trials of heartache do not matter
For my efforts go unseen.
No changes –
Neither in my eyes nor in those of others.

I stare at the mirror and see eyes looking back at me –
Eyes that look like mine, but aren’t.
Eyes unrecognizable, but still, eyes.
Turquoise, cerulean, cobalt, even;
Bright, wide-eyed, and

                                         sad.

Beautiful but sad.
Sad because un-beautiful.

The eyes in the mirror are desperate;
Sighing, searching, waiting
For that one morning when they will see a change,
The change they’ve been waiting for, for oh so long.

The change that will bring all –
Happiness, love, success –
Everything my eyes see at night
When dreams become reality.

But right now, my eyes are blurry
Covered in tears
Overflowing
Because they do not like what they see.

There once was a girl, a very beautiful girl,
Who cried herself to sleep every night.
She didn't have much - friends, a boyfriend, the life.
And she didn't have happiness.

There once was a girl, a very beautiful girl,
Who cried herself to sleep every night.
She had it all - friends, a boyfriend, the life.
But she didn't have happiness.

There once was a school, where two sad little girls learned history and math,
Where two sad little girls ate lunch -
Or didn't.

There once was a bathroom, in some school somewhere in some town,
Where two little girls went every day around noon.
One went to cry, and one went to try
And empty herself of her mid-morning meal.

Every day they acknowledged each other's existence,
With a nod of a head or a brief meeting of the eye.
They understood each other's pain,
They knew each other's secrets,
But they said nothing.

They never wiped the other’s tears,
They both ignored the other’s gags,
No questions asked,
No words said.

But these two beautiful girls had a bond,
A bond they shared with many other beautiful little girls
All over the world.
Very few of these girls knew of the others.
They each thought that they were alone.
But they weren’t.

One day, the two beautiful girls,
The ones who went to that one school in that one town,
Decided that they each wanted to be happy.
They helped each other,
Supported each other,
Wiped each other’s tears.
They were not alone.

Soon enough, beautiful little girls all over the world
Began to find each other.
They started to help each other,
Support each other,
Wipe each other’s tears.
They no longer felt alone.

Eventually, the two beautiful girls,
The ones who went to that one school in that one town,
Stopped going to the bathroom after lunch.
Every day they acknowledged each other’s existence,
With a smile or a friendly hello.

There once were two girls, two very beautiful girls,
Who smiled
Everywhere.
Two little girls, who each had a new best friend -
And happiness.

when will it be my turn
to live without concern
i'm tired
exhausted of staring at the bright blue
lifeline
strung down my left arm

when will it begin
my smile natural
i’m tired
engaged in the depths of my mind
failures
are evident on my skin

it’s 1:29 am
it’s been 3 hours and still i’m unable to fall into slumber
i’m sitting straight up in my bed
quietly singing love songs to myself
thinking
about how alone i really am
not only tonight, but always
it’s not that i’m alone – i have friends and a caring family
but i’m lonely
and if you’re lonely,
you’re alone - always
no matter how many others surround you

sometimes i think i’d rather be like this
i like the isolation
the ability to get lost in thought
deep in the maze of my mind
it’s easier
transient relationships
fleeting memories
i can remember them - without forgetting the details
but still, i’m human
and i crave the intimacy
and love and lust and connection
of a life without pain.

the perfect photograph
taken with your vintage Nikon D-something-thousand
sharp lines and enlightening contrast
clear edges
exact focus
the sun rising in the horizon
cannot convey the way I feel
about you

i think about the hospital a lot
the crisp white sheets
the shiny piece of tin on the wall
the ***** trio of couches

these images are super glued to my eyes
it’s almost as if i wish i was still there
but that would mean, of course,
that i am still sick – or at least what they say sick is

the scent of hospital air lingers on my sweatshirt
you know, the one i wear everyday
the one that hides my imperfections
and my scars

my sweatshirt has been washed
smothered with detergent
but all i smell is the mental ward
the brain senses what the brain wants

maybe i want to be back there
with the others who, for those seven days, i considered my family
perhaps it’s because i felt safe
like it was okay to be the way i am

i want to be back there
in the isolation of a sad, protected world
either i’m getting sick again
or i was never cured

I gave blood today; I wanted to be a Good Samaritan, help those in need. My blood, after all, is healthy, pure. The thing is though, is that as I watched my life slowly ebb into the pint-sized plastic bag of rescue, I was imagining how lovely it would be for all of it to flow out, into a bag, into the bath, into the universe. To be empty, weightless, cold. As the blood pulsed out of my veins and my arm became weaker, I wished for my eyes to close and for my thoughts to slow down, for the discombobulate realm I call my life to slowly disappear or at least evolve into a breathtaking pasture of wispy freedom. Once my arm was emptied and the possible end was stopped, they told me - drink up, drink up, eat up, eat up - replenish the sugar and tiny hemoglobin cells that I so gracefully supplied. I took hold of the juice, and I took hold of the cookie, but once out of sight, I tossed them to the side. I wanted the feeling of faintness, dizziness, the insecurity of being caught in between two worlds. And as I sit here now with a muted mind and a slight headache, I am slightly pleased.

I often sit on my soft, white carpet
Staring

At the blank wall in front of me.

It is blank, but that wall is not empty -

Full of my secrets and smothered by my cries,
It knows me better than I know myself.



At night I lie in my nice, warm bed

Staring

At the blank ceiling above me

Its white paint is darkened – 

The switch flipped to off means it’s time

For my disguise to turn off as well.



In the morning when I wake, I find myself

Staring 

At the blank walls of my room.
The walls are simply walls –
Unchangeable,
impenetrable and menacing.

I think they closed in a little overnight.

i was sitting in your passenger seat
that new car smell
laughing awkwardly yet engorged
in happiness
together

she walked up to the window
interrupted with ‘hello’
eyes searing through my shield
of cover up and jewelry
broken

a wide-eyed gaze upon my skin
scarlet art visible
my secret identity discovered
what is that? she asked
            Nothing

secrets
the tiny little monsters
living in between joints and those spaces under your fingernails
toxic
demolishing everything in their paths
tearing down buildings
digging up roads
destroying living souls

you are the smoke flowing out of my lungs,
the cigarette burns on my heart.

heart racing, blood rushing -
burning holes in my veins.

a tiny round pearl
a thin oblong sapphire
a small smooth ruby
a fat opaque opal

keep me alive
control me
erase me

i want to smash them
implode them
they are not worth the effort
it takes to mine the earth

i am powerless
not real
i do not exist