It’s like a constant tremor beneath my skin, as much a part of me as the blood flowing through my veins. A perpetual angst that cannot be quelled. Though I keep reaching out, desperate to get out of the current before it pulls me under. Yet it has no name. The origin is unclear. I feel it on the tips of my fingers but it forever evades my grasp. It whispers to me like the autumn breeze though I cannot decipher the direction it blows. My internal compass is broken thus I keep retracing my steps. A repetitious journey on the same path when I can’t even pinpoint my destination. Wherever that may be, I just want to feel at peace...if only I could find due north

I never feel as lonely as I do surrounded by other people. I only feel whole in the rare moments of solitude. What a morose epiphany. I’m not quite sure which is worse, actually being alone forever or being with those who make you feel alone. Perhaps it’s a paradox of sorts, both are needed at times to make you appreciate the other. Sigh.

What a foolish word.
To think anyone deserves anything is naive at best. Such arrogance is destined to be disappointed time and again. You get what you put in, and sometimes you don’t even get that. Such is life. Humanity as a whole believes they are superior in every way and yet here we are. A false sense of entitlement to what we think we deserve. Ignorance at its finest. You don’t deserve **** and that’s just the cold, hard truth.

She could never decipher the intentions behind the feeling. Fragile little fleeting emotions, not to be trusted. For she loved with a hesitation that it would one day be gone. But was love even love at all? Did she only gaze up in wonder at the moon because of the distance between? Loving something that would be forever out of reach in fear it just might love her back.

I battle these urges as long as I can
But self control has always been an adversary
There’s something there that pulls me in
Just when the light is approaching the end of the tunnel, a sirens song lures me back to the depths of darkness
It consumes me.
I muster up every shred of my will but it’s no use, it’s only a matter of time before the monster within grows a resistance to my futile fight.
Like a marionette tangled in its own strings...I just want to know how it feels to dance with someone once more.

I cannot recall when it happened,
Was it a week, a month, a day?
All that remains is silence now
since the words, they went away.
They used to flow like waves
Sailing ships across my mind
But it appears the breeze was lost
Somewhere and now I’m in a bind.
Was it a who? A what? A where? A why?
Is it truly lost for good?
I’ve searched near and far for it
And I’ve done the best I could
Now, I sit here in the graveyard
Of all the prose I’ve wrote before
Reading every old tomb stone
Just to feel alive once more.
I plead for them to return to me
But my voice just echoes on
I would’ve said I loved you so,
If I knew that you’d be gone.

I’ve been resisting the current for some time now as if I’m determined to sink instead of learning how to float. I know how I feel but I’m terrified of actually feeling at all. I’m tired of being dragged around the same whirlpool yet what the **** lies out yonder? What a ******* irony because I’ve been drowning in the sea of schnapps for years. It’s all clear yet the weight pulls me under. Do I inhale the liquid or fight to the surface? Maybe drowning isn’t the most peaceful way to die after all as I choke for life once more.