For 281 days
I have been stuck here.

For 281 days
They tried to "heal me"
through various pills
therapy sessions
shots
weird drinks
and anything else
that comes straight from hell.

For 281 days
I have been cornered
between these white walls.
Trapped in these small rooms
that reek of ***** ***** and bleach.

For 281 days
The people in the white coats
would ambush me
with treatments and remedies.

For 281 days
the lady with the red hair
would come in
and force me to take my yellow pill.
Yellow pill
3 times a day
everyday
for 281 days.

For 281 days
I tried to convince
the people in the white coats
that I'm not crazy.

281 days is enough
I will not let this number get to 282.

As I stand
here in the center of the city
surrounded by flashing lights,
I feel the earth move beneath my feet.
The rotation slows down.
I see all the bright lights dim, then
disappear.

I look back,
I see the whole world crumble
The beautiful world I once knew,
slipping away
into a vast eternity
of nothingness.
All color slips away
until all that's left is
a never ending sea of grey.

This is no silent tear,
nor a tortured, screaming pain.

This world, once
so beautiful
now nothing.

I stumble my way through hasty shadows
mumbling worthless little thoughts to myself.
I see things fall
but I don't pick them up,
there is no one around for correction

There's only one thing I see
Black.
There seems to be only one thing
Black.
The blackness goes on and one
Always
     Endlessly
          Infinitely
               Permanently
BLACK
Forever black.

I hardly remember colors.
I sort of remember red
kind of green or maybe it was blue
how would i know,
i can't remember what color went with what name.
maybe it was yellow or pink or orange
or white.
white.
the opposite of black.
what a luxury
an unappreciated luxury
to see the opposite
of black.
what a luxury
to see anything
other than
black.

black.
thats the only color i'm certain of.
i see it all the time.
i wake up
black.
i try to walk
black.
i do nothing
black.
i go to sleep
black.
and the cycle repeats
day
after day
after day
the cycle repeats.

Black.
it's boring
and i'm sick of it
but it's all i have.
black.

I shuffle my way into the kitchen,
suicidal thoughts running through my head
"you're worthless"
"you're stupid"
"you're ugly"
Thats the only thing I hear.

I grab the sharpest blade from the drawer
slit  slit  slit
It hurts
but at the same time
it feels amazing.
I need to stop
but I can't.
drip  drip  drip
My blood splatters onto the floor,
with every cut
more and more blood
trickles down.
This is so relieving.
The knife is cutting out every insult,
abolishing all of my glitches.
all of my failures are replaced with integrity.
I feel as if I were new.

With this knife,
I'm going to carve a better me.

Tears cascaded down my face
as blood cascaded down your chest.

I would offer you a coffee
but even that can't warm your frozen heart.

Friendship isn't a real thing.
"Friendship" is just a bunch of lonely people banded together because thats what society tells us to do.

You say
I'm the one
who ruined
you.

You must be
pretty weak.

Or maybe...

I'm just too
strong.

Pain is temporary,
GPA is forever.

Hold in there.
All you see is the surface,
But underneath is a vast ocean
Filled with loveliness, beauty, and charm.
This moment,
This hardship
Is only a test.
Your amazing.
Your beautiful.
Don't let your life be wasted.
Your special.
Your as unique as a snowflake
Falling from the heavenly skies.
Your worth more than gold.
Don't listen to all those people who lie
And try to tell you different.
The past is gone
And the future holds
So many marvelous mysteries.
The reward is worth the test.
Hold in there.

Hope is like a flower.
It is beautiful.
It grows with nurturing,
And care,
And love.
But sometimes,
It dies.
When people give up on it,
When people get to focused on something else
Life goes on,
And they get forgotten about.
Hope is like a flower,
        They don't last forever.

How could you?
Leave me here
All alone

You said that you would come back for us,
But you never did.
You said your doing what's best for us,
But your not.
You say you love us,
But how can i believe you;
You tell so many lies
I don't even know what the truth is anymore.
I don't want to hear all of your excuses
They are all lies.
When I see you,
Fear creeps over me.
I think of what you did in the past
And worry about the future.

Do you not understand all the pain you caused?
Every second I ache over
Everything you did to me
To us.
When I'm with you
Every second feels like an eternity.
I feel so scared when I'm with you,
How do you not see it?

The past can't be taken back.
Your words can't be erased.
The feelings you left me with
Will never leave.

I know that saying good-bye is always hard,
But you need to let me go.

Love never dies
Regardless of what people do

My words are my weapons.
Its the only thing left of me that has strength.

Pain is what gives you strength.
Struggles is what helps you grow.
You can't succeed without failure.

At times when you feel overwhelmed,
Or confused,
Or you just want to give up,
Just remember,
Tomorrow is a new day.
Today is just a test.
Each dawn is a new chance.
Forget all the troubles
That keep you from seeing
That there could be so much more.

Remember to look ahead,
And see what's at stake.

Tomorrow is a new day.

What if
we are all psychotic
but we just don't realize
because we are surrounded
by other psychotics...

I see the pain in her eyes,
All the hurt,
And the agony
She wears like a coat.
The sorrow is constantly nagging at her,
Telling her to give up.

I see all the scars,
The evidence.
The truth is hidden from her,
All the lies they tell
Gets her confused.
She doesn't realize.

I see a little girl,
Who has a broken life
Because of their actions.
A little girl
Who had to grow up to fast.

Everything she went through
Is circling around her,
Waiting to sting like a bee.
All the memories come flooding back,
But she tries not to let them show.

I remember seeing her.
So broken.
So scared.
So alone.
I try to forget the thought.
I try not to think about it.
I try to hide the image in my head,
Won't let it show
....like my scars

You don't get to pick your ending,
your ending picks you.

All the thoughts flow,
through the ink of my pen
onto the paper of my notebook.
Gracefully,
like a dove
soaring across the sky.
The words i leave are special to me
though they may not seem like it for you.
Each word is a snap shot of my heart
and together they create a story.
i let my thoughts fly free
and onto the paper they fall.
They spill out into the world
to be found and maybe enjoyed
by the people who happen to stumble upon it.
but no matter what people think
i will keep writing.
writing is my passion,
its how i express myself.
The pen is my tool
and the words i leave have meaning
there is truth within every letter.
whether my words are light or dark,
they can be beautiful if i chose

when will all the pain be gone