Another reality is ours but for the time being
We're chronic victims of our own poor judgement  
And anxiety
Spurred by loops of psychoanalyses, like VHS
Tapes rewound and repeated until the film tears

Mirrors telling lies    makeup
         Painting illusions,
                   Stains
                      On
                     Lips
Making caricatures from my face, a
Character in its place, playing
Narcissist    every    day.
If I love me they will come,
If I love me they will stay.
This part masks insecurity,
If I say I love me, won't they?

I went to my last counseling appointment today
and when i stood up to leave
I felt as if I should shake her hand

but instead I walked out that door on tentative fawn legs
I stepped into the cold
and I felt like a stranger to myself

I bought coffee and a pack of cigarettes
and stood by the same ledge I always do
but it didn’t feel the same

I have her card in my front pocket for emergencies only
I feel as if I just stepped into harsh burning sunlight
I feel like there is winter air trapped in my lungs

I've come to the conclusion that
there’s nothing really wrong with me
but there’s nothing all that right either

Liberation
Is speeding down
Back roads
In the dark, windows down
In the pouring rain and
Sticking your hand out  so that
Water droplets sting like pins and
Needles when they slam
Against your palm at 80 miles an hour.
Liberation
Is loving someone when it's wrong
And doing it anyway
Because 'god ****** I'm free'
And I'll love who I want even when
I have no right
Even when they're bound, gagged, tied
And held for ransom by a ring on
Their finger.
Liberation
Is getting on a plane to fly
Across the country on a whim
Because there may just be a chance
That that man I met once
Halfway across the world could
Fall in love with me when my feet get off
That plane.
Liberation is cracking open your head
And looking at your skull
And blood is life that sludges
Out of you and you wake up
A few days later realizing that
If you had died it wouldn't
Have made a difference, anyway.
And knowing that next time
You're dying you will
Make **** sure it
Matters.

Teeth ground to dust
Dirt, where it lies
6 feet under    wringing    hands
Ringing knell,    bells burned into
Ears popping vessels out to sea
Storms making waves causing wrecks
Biting nails between teeth
Ground to   dust.

The Man told me there's a way to be
But I don't give a **** or care about the Man
Because the Man doesn't care about me.

Eyes on me.
I know they wander   thigh  to   thigh
                    Girls passing by in skirts
      shorter  
                  than
                         ­ mine
Eyes on the prize wave goodbye to
               Pretty girls passing by
Please let me be the
                                    pretty
                     ­          one
                    tonight.

I’m sorry I haven’t thanked you for the sacrifice
I’m sorry I ruined your body at 30
I’m sorry people say we look alike

I’m sorry I hurt you
again
and again

I’m sorry for the blood in the bathtub
and the purple dye
I’m sorry for the bleach

I’m sorry for the mold
and the rot
and the court dates

I’m sorry for the failure
and the soccer games
and the hurt knees

I’m sorry I wear all black
I’m sorry I orbit you like a first born curse
I’m sorry we are both too head strong

I’m sorry I make you look bad
I’m sorry for not calling
I’m sorry for wanting to leave

I’m sorry for the smoke
I’m sorry Mom
I’m sorry for the months I wouldn’t eat

I’m sorry for the bones
I’m sorry for the lies
and the stealing and the hospital stays

I’m sorry for the time
I’m sorry you were forced to make a commitment out of me
I’m sorry I’m 17

I’m sorry I’m sad
I’m sorry for the medicine I didn’t take
I’m sorry for the car accidents and the tears on your favorite sweaters

I’m sorry it’s taken me 17 years to say this
I’m sorry I am like a stray dog
I’m sorry I make it hard to love me

Suspended in cold air,
Drawn by wing tips,

swaying trails of white vapour
caught by the wind

stretching out for miles
and diving through clouds.


Ruler- straight lines
are pencilled across pale blue,

running parallel ahead
like blackened train tracks.

Suspended in cold air,
but fastened tightly.