My Nan just took away my nose,
she's got it in her pocket.
She did it 'cos she saw me
put my fingers in the socket.
I said "not me!" so she decided
to teach me quite a lesson.
And though her tactics I derided
soon I'll be confessing.
I cannot breathe without a nose,
cannot smell dad's awful toes.
Cannot sneeze, only cough
and my glasses will fall off!
So put it back, oh Nana dear,
and from the socket I'll keep clear.
And for a spare nose I'll be wishing,
in case the one you take goes missing!

Ate so much it has to come out
belly ache makes me whinge and shout
try to be quiet, bite my tongue
like I closed my *** up with a ****.
I've Got to get rid of this pain
so I can eat some more again
strain as fiercly as I can
spladoosh! I bust the ****** pan!
A tidal wave is swirling round
knocking buildings to the ground
gossips whisper"have you heard?"
Jeremy did that with his ****!

Dead man walking                dazed
eyes blank                               and
killed by years                      searching
sraining to see                        for
the one thing that                    just
he knows will never come         one
spirit ground to the dust of tombs    slight
pallid spectres of no warmth                     chance
moving into the fringe of his gaze                 but
his lethargy tells                                                     as
there is little left for them to take                  so
no spark                                                                  often
no light                                                                  before
passion for life denied                                  whenever
the cloying                                                            comes
the clinging                                                            some
filth left upon him                                            desperate
in the dark                                                            perhaps
no choice but to                                               undeserved
try to wash this                                                     last
scar                                                                          clean
wound                                                                   chance
to scrape                                                              away
and to cut                                                            into
till blood flows                                                  my
knife cleanses nothing                               future
just mocks                                                       I
have nothing  left                                          fail
not even my blood                                       myself
drained out and soiled                               again

Haggis the cat is quiet and gentle
hang on! No he is ****** mental
if you speak or touch he strikes,
and that's just people Haggis likes.
Fights with Vincent all day long
even when he's done no wrong.
Lets me stroke him when he's mellow
made a streak in me thats yellow
the other day he pinched my dinner
boxed my face like I'm a sinner.
Fought over my piece of lamb
one each end then Haggis WHAM!
Let me kiss him the other day
but I know soon he'll make me pay.
Yes, now I've crossed the Scottish border
I've found my place in the pecking order..
BOTTOM......

When dough is in short supply,
puddings get nervous, I wonder why?
They tell their parrots to take to the air,
to see if there's more hidden anywhere.
One flew out to the north Atlantic
his efforts brave and quite fantastic.
The dough of Icelands polar bears
was safely stored and waiting there.
One parrot flew to the Snow Queens wedding
for dough, and to try his wing at sledding.
He was so tired when he took his dough to the station,
he was forced to use his powers of multi - placation
for the guards were nasty and horrid and grumpy
and almost  turned the dough all lumpy.

The Circus came to a South Wales Town
Big Top and all ****! Even a clown.
Dew them folks were strange to see
couldn't say "Nos da i chi!"
One of the women was ever so hairy
almost as much as Bethan or Mary.
And the elephant that led the parade
broke into the Spar and stole lucozade.
But the thing that got every lass in a whirl
that foreign young lad with an eye for the girls.
They say that his furry body is funky
but I am convinced that they left us a monkey!
So quick up the trees, be it rowan or pine
and ever so handy down in the coal mine.
they'll be back at New Year, when our valley's a chiller
Perhaps when they go they'll leave us a gorilla!

I've done some dumb things in my life
thats one of the reasons there is no wife
too much talk of poo for women
all this pretty stupid grinning
need a kick up the *** real bad
or a pointy finger when I'm sad
set myself on fire because thats what I like
fell through the ice while riding my bike
ironed a shirt while I was wearing it
got a huge blister on my weeny ***
one day went fishing and got in a flap
caught a nice carp on a lump of cat crap
got my **** stuck in a cracked toilet seat
that took a lump out ooh painful but neat
said to the doctor" when I'm done yelling,
get rid of the pain, but please leave the swelling!"
one thing I do enjoy is a laugh
but that is no good for my epitaph
for a donkey like me my final hurrah
reads here lies Jeremy.... a ******* Too Far