4 May at 4:36 AM

i miss you.

these are the words i say out loud to my room, almost everyday for the last year; as if the words could actually conjure you.

That they’d bring you here like you promised to be that day after Valentine’s. That suddenly I’d find you ringing the doorbell to see me. That you’d notice yours is the only photo in my room, framed on my nightstand. That you’d ask, if those three words ever crossed my mind when it came into view.

Imagine wandering in a desert, a wilderness
Nothing, for miles, but sand and dryness
The sky is clear and the sun shines harshly
Its bright glare momentarily blinds me

To think, I’ve been walking around here
For a year, a year of tears
That refused to fall
The heat had made my tear ducts dull

Tears would not come to my eyes
No matter how hard I tried
The dry wind is coarse against my skin
My feet in sand as it has for so long been

These dunes are a place of loneliness and thirst
You think about it and your mind is immersed
In the discomfort you feel
From the tips of your hair, to the bottom of your heel

The heat is a constant numbing presence
The effect on your feeling is dense
Your mind searches for safety
Yet all your senses are hazy

Your eyes wander, searching for relief in the sandy sea
Yet all your ears hear are a timpani
of silence, deafening
My mind is barely fending

Off fears of my impending demise
My body continues to agonize
The scorching sun digging through my scalp
It took so much not to pull my hair out and scream for help

For a moment, my eyes focus
And I see you,
A mirage in the desert
I ran to you to quench my thirst

My insides screamed
And finally, everything seemed
Fine. I had someone with me, who’d face
With me the world and all its haste

The corner of my lips pulled up for a smile
The first one I had in many miles
My mouth could speak, shout and sing
Again, I found my strength returning

Then, just like I thought you might,
You vanished, right out of my sight
I could no longer enjoy being with you
From my hands, you slipped through

With my new strength
All I did was cry with heaving breath
I knew I should go on
But all I felt was how much hotter it was under the sun

Distance that you ask for
Is like a closed door
That you suddenly place
I can no longer see your face

You always had walls surrounding you
I knew there was a divide between our rooms
But before the door was built and closed
Between your walls I felt I could osmose

Now, the door is only closed, not locked
But you have requested that I not
Turn the **** and close the gap
Or ask to cross by knocking and lightly tap

From what I hear,
All other entrances, except mine, are clear
Regular sounds of laughter
But especially then, I am not welcome to enter

When nothing else is to be done,
I stare at the door, reminiscing on times that were fun
The sound of your voice calling from the other side
Telling me you want us to together spend more time

As I remember, I can’t help but stare
At the symbol of the divide now placed there
Middle of the wall, central in my sight
Presence very felt, as if there’s a spotlight

Shining on it, its bright glare
Making me think about it, more than my mind can bear
I’m sat on the floor, back against the wall
The door’s shadow looms over me, standing tall

Sometimes, you leave the door ajar
It doesn’t make you feel any less far
I only hear from or respond to you
When you need me to give or do

I hope you understand I use every fiber
Of my being to grant what you desire
I respect your request
While I am still ready to act upon your behest

I only hope one day you unlock and remove
That symbol of restraint and ultimately disprove
My fear of this arrangement,
Specifically it being permanent

You would cross the divide,
Greeting me with a smile
Asking to catch up with your friend
Telling me you missed me and you’d like to do it again

When I met you
You seemed just like anyone
We ate together
And we had fun

I would see you around
Every once in a while
We'd talk casually
And I would just smile

We would talk about
Things from moods to books
From the way I sing
To the way your hair looks

But after a while
I realized you were different
You weren't the type of person
I'd usually call a close friend

You joked a lot
And you could read me well
So I felt I could be myself
Without my shell

Lines had to be drawn
Boundaries had to be set
Masks had to be worn
But that all changed when we met

My facade was broken
And I was more open
I could tell you when I was afraid
Or when my heart was kinda broken

So I talked to you everyday
Without my knowing
I enjoyed your banter
And the laughter you'd bring

I savored every moment
From the messages to the late night calls
When we were eating at fairs
And when we had weekends at the mall

So I say, "Thank you for all the moments I cherish."
Every memory I hold dear
Each of our conversations
I know we'll still be friends after so many years.