now i know why twenty-seven
is the age where
people bleed out in bathtubs,
or asphyxiate in the attic
swaying from an angry beam
with a face as blue as
the gown their mother wore
when she introduced them to misery
in a hospital,
or put a bullet to their busy brain
leaving a red Rorschach reminder
of their final moments
on the hotel room wall
that will only be seen
by a 42 year old maid
amidst a guilty type of jealousy
she doesn't understand,
or standing with shaky hands in a kitchen
emptying a bottle of aspirin on the counter
& greedily swallowing the little white teeth
following by gulps of water that feel like boulders
tumbling down a throat
with nothing left to say,
or even spreading their arms wide
like jesus on the cross or like a relative
at the airport waiting for a delayed hug
& jumping from the highest bridge or building
they can find so they can feel weightless,
once.

you say i’m long gone
but i wasn’t gone long
you just lost interest swiftly
when I stopped dispensing attention
not to mention the distance:
Ohhh it accumulates endlessly
when you’re not here with me.
every second you’re not tangled in me
i can feel your resentment building
& it’s not a very fulfilling feeling
dealing with your fading needs,
wrestling with empty memories
& their durable permanence.
if only i had the courage to cremate those corpses
but you’ve currently buried them deep in my cortex,
& now they have rooted like religious convictions
& even if i don’t live them, i’ll never forget them.

i need to start falling in love
less often.
stop idolizing every brave girl
who shows me the part of her skin
that rarely sees the sun &
waits patiently for my response………..
…..& i always inflate her ego
like a carnival balloon,
& in the coming weeks
i twist it into different animals.
a lion when i'm lonely,
a mouse to mimic misery,
but one day when i'm twisting up
the closed fists of some
metaphor of a memory
it pops & she's suddenly aware
of the clown.

but love is a dish best served
not at all.
skip the meal
& lose the weight of love
& the world seems so much bigger
& instantly you fit into places
you had never even tried before.
the feet that used to make those
distinct etchings in mud
like a tiny topographical map,
hauling that love around
like a bowling ball in a backpack,
those feet don't even touch the trees anymore
& the clouds envy your freedom
as they whisper pick up lines to the moon.

i made several etchings in my sketching pad
some wretched reachings at the love we had
with pencils & stencils i outlined our path
but my designs were confined to crimes of the past
filled with charcoal barcodes all sparkling black
the receipts that we keep to compete & compare
arguments we begin just to mend & repair
i yell & yell trying to tell if you're there
but the transactions happened & it's been a year
i'm fading away but i wont disappear
i'm still here

i let you get the best of me
i fell in love & hid nothing
...like i always do.
god i wish i'd learn
to have the love & not the hurt
to not **** up & make it work
to have someone who cares for me
much less sparingly
than all of you before.
i let you have the rest of me
& you swallowed every breath i breathe

did the days get slow again
& i didn't even notice it?
i just used up my lone defense
on sins i didn't know exist
ill give you just a little tip:
i've loved you since the day we met

complex moveable pulley systems
consisting of rope
had hardened his heart:
that moveable block
a native of rocks
a kernel of nourishing corn
pumping starch to starving veins.
his naïve nerves reborn,
new to nature
where nothing is known
but the trumpets of judgement.
a society of contemporaries
with a common condition:
speak your latent conviction
while avoiding exhaustion by speech
(know the limit of the lungs),
so we accept the same transcendent destiny
of intense despair while it lasts
but not for nothing.
when we end up in the ground
do we still dream of the sky?

i seized the day
and ended up in seizure pains
where a heated fever reigns
and eats my brains like beaten eggs
feverishly fried
on a stovetop of lies
where you drove off the side
of a cliff and broke off the ties
and that's it i quit
i've dusted off my hands
and trusted your demands
til i was crushed like a cardboard can

my fingers fit perfectly
in the holes in your memory
your soft lips were meant to be
linked with mine eternally
our thoughts are coherently
understood naturally
a perfect mentality
you decided to share with me
your fingers so lovingly
have a way of comforting
of healing anxiety
making my worries recede
but now distance has come between
and left my heart violently
crying out in longing
for the love it will always need
my wretched tortured voice is received
by your monotone message machine
i can barely say anything
with the receiver there listening...

tell me
what the planet looks like
floating up there on the clouds
are the oceans bluer with a cottonmouth &
can you count the countries as you cut them out?
is the forest greener from the ground or
are the branches blinding looking down?
i guess you're reassured somehow
that i'm just a face amongst the crowd or
just an ant atop the mound
transporting ten tons of regret in
an attempt to make my queen content

two months ago
when i tried to kiss you
under the street lamp
like we were under a spotlight
on a stage
the center of the universe
you & i
you wiggled away
to the next scene so swiftly
you left me bathing
in the breath you left behind
& i swear the light followed you
as i lingered
trying to remember
if that was in the script

last month
after some awkward costume changes
another act with a background adjustment
new years eve
we're confessing to our characters
on a side stage
how long we've longed for the other
the inevitable intimacy we equally ache for
& i SAY:
(that line i always forget)
but this time you lean into me
& i don't wiggle
i don't waver
i've been waiting
& it's better than the dress rehearsals
my lips wet from yours
& the rain
anxious to unravel your costume
& bowing for an audience
we never meant to entertain

essentially
i am nothing
in the morning
a yawning representation
of a person pretending to be
facing out a window
sipping on a bitter cup
gripping onto the unraveling sanity
that is last night's dreams
you were there
some smiling
spinning
short blur of long hair & happiness
you flowed past me like water
& i was damp with sweat
when i awoke
without you
we are nothing
you keep telling me
we'll never be anything because we can't be
you keep saying
with so much emphasis
on the can't
your jaw clicks like
when you're having those nightmares
i wonder if i'm in them
while you thrash
beside me
i wonder who else
you're trying not to love
right now

dilate my eyes
let me see things as they are
give me more light to work with
push me past the invisible wall
where gravity has no hold
& i'm truly free
to embrace the crevices of my mind
in that dark escape where the sane seldom step
to chase that tiny ray of light
flashing signals of truth
to be deciphered
but i'm too weak to hold the beam
i still can't grasp
at god's design

wind spins
leaves gently
on concrete
oddly
falling feels free
no more
filthy guilt please
swinging cleanly
the breeze breathes easy
& leaves gain speed
with disbelief
in gravity
or maybe they know they don't
need it

i'm not sure what happened
to those beautiful women
i used & let live in my
shivering veins
synchronized swimming in my circulatory system
sunken eyes brimming
with that chlorine concoction they used to dip in
i dug them & ditched them
but i still recollect their quivering lips
as i dispensed the final kisses
& surrounded the spa with walls & fences
i mean i wonder if they still exist
with no lifeguard there to witness them?

i threw the carcass of your caring
     solemnly down the cellar staircase,
            locked the door & clogged its airways

& cautioned the corpse of the consequences
of burning bridges & building fences
before i slit its lips to ribbons

& dared it to mumble love again
ohh so the feeling bubbled up did it??
no wait here comes hate in its midst
one more final, lifeless twitch
before i collapse your cranium's measurements

it's funny how you pretend i was never there
so quickly...
i was a transparent terror
in the tale of your existence.
a dog-eared page stained
with paper-cut streaks of blood
& smeared ink between quotation marks.
once you made it to
the back cover you tossed it
into the fireplace like it was a bookshelf,
like it was always meant to be there.
but i hope it turned to smoke so quickly
& found a new home in your lungs
& i hope you coughed those little bursts
that i fell in love with at the beginning of every summer
when your allergies kicked in.
i want to write another book
with you.
no sequels.  this is not a trilogy.
a brand new branching plot where we
just love relentlessly & forget religiously
those other volumes us young authors
hastily rushed to print.
we know what people want to read now
& we can be best sellers.

the boar tide's tusks
are rustling the leaves
wetting their own depth perception
& thrusting through
the stony home
where water's never meant to go,
rushing to extend its reach
****** the supposed beach
& BUSTING belly-first beyond these gravel streets.

so we find new ways to walk
new walkways made of taller rocks,
& softer steps in soggy socks,
because oftentimes the tidal clock is off:
a salmon holocaust with just
a solemn, hollow cough
as the waves are burped & swallowed
& lost among the blue disease...

cryptic conversions
from you into her this is
what you deserved when these
problems occurred again

blackened from burning skies
that turn red when yearning dies
from glares of your urging eyes
i’m beginning to realize

perfection gives no regard to
love that has fallen apart i’ll
cling to just any sort of
person with half a heart

nothing comes close to you
so comparison is of no use
in my search for broken truths
i’ll never feel without you

i don't know if i can go on like this
with a gunshot wound
deep inside my chest
and have to just try and pretend
it wasn't you
not your gunpowder laced lips

we all know what a bullet does
when it pierces bone
when it travels through your lungs
so my mouth collapses shut
empty air just flows
and silences my tongue

so you've finally done with words
what you couldn't do
with hands & blades & burns
and now i will never stir
i'll just think of you
as my skin absorbs the dirt

i wonder if she's gorgeous
on purpose
she makes me feel so worthless
her words are so perfect
i became so uncertain
once i had heard them
...my love is just a burden
& i don't want to hurt her
so ill bury myself in the dirt
never to return to the surface

self destructive wrist is
always bursting into pieces
using flesh as your parchment
write with razors til it hardens
then the slicing isn't burning
this crimson pain just isn't working
the deadness beating in your head
won't be brought to life again
search through shelves of self improvement
resort to smoke to dumb your senses
figure "if i can't transfer all this hurt
then i'll cloud up these problems first
and maybe they'll fill with such confusion
they'll forget what they were doing"
but soon enough the fog is clearing
and the voices you've been hearing
rumble back until they're SCREAMING
"you will never ever leave me"

lets raise a beer in cheers:
here's to the reason
the seasons disappear
running dumbly from eachother
winter scarcely escapes summer,
but here's to life all
bright with hope
if there's a cliff we'll build a moat
if today's a waste there's tomorrow,
& here's to death &
its ***** certainty
in the sky or under earth we'll meet
& live perfectly eternally

& so my bones are brittle now
they crumpled & it's crippling
slipping over simple things
that never used to get to me
the strain on my marrow
is just narrowly missing these
pieces of a vessel just barely deceased.
so i'll pick up my packages &
peace out to paradise
& finally start living
so i wont be scared of life
let my skin see the sun
let my mind find the sky
& expose my broken bones
to the reasons i'm alone

my dreams seem so realistic
or my waking life is so surreal
i can never tell the difference
so i treat them both as hopeless jokes.
if the sky falls suddenly
& i get buried underneath
i know soon ill either be
AWAKENING or going back to sleep...
it keeps me calm when the bursting bombs
come crashing in so rapidly:
i'm laughing & know exactly how to handle things
        because its a bland repeat of last night's dream.
& each time my eyelids clasp collapsed,
i just call it practicing

your eyes are like the ocean
& i'm dying just to drown again
to feel the gentle mental wind
of our vacant conversations
i'm speaking to keep you from leaving
or to deceive you from believing
we ever have to end

these ink stains are like linked chains
i'm engaged in these pages like deep veins
& its making me see things.

like beauty & truth in words
that don't usually sooth...but soon
its a stuttered excuse i don't have the stomach to use.

i envision hopes & goals where
there were wicked open holes
& obstacles so inoperable as i'm getting awfully old...

just a killing fear of a fulfilling career
i've been building for years while welling with tears
but that backwards searching was
a crash course in learning & i'm finally here.

when i woke up in the morning
my head was strewn about the lawn
all the thoughts i had been thinking
wanted out of me all along

but they were all underdeveloped
& outside they couldn’t breathe
the air was chastising instead of
my mind's careful nurturing

so they begged me to come back in
but i said “theres nothing i can do
you took advantage of what you had then,
i always tried to care for you”

they said “please cant you just help us”
as they got down on their knees
but my thoughts were so clouded up
a fog had built up in the street

and the more i went out searching
out into the snowblind air
the more my broken brainworkings
got lost in their own despair

but soon enough i had surrendered
and i fell down where i stood
then somewhere in the fog i heard
“did you do everything you could?”

your motives are dark & disturbing
& you know this is exactly what hurts me
& if you can lie about how you manipulated
i won't even try to realize how these lies are created
in a head that's obsessed with being constantly correct
i can't guess the lengths you would stretch to hear 'yes'
by bending the truth into circles & loops
until they are just hoops for me to jump through
well i'm not just your pet or avatar for regrets
i do not represent the goals you haven't met
so quit ******* with my heart and just let me rest.

"the words you found yourself exploring
are curdled old decayed & boring
i haven't heard one spoken sentence
but i enjoy the broken remnants
because then i can place & rearrange
the lame explanations on blank pages
replace the phrases i don't care for
erase the reason they were there for
display them as a euphemism
more mistakes to be forgiven
you're pathetic i'm the greatest
you're regretted i'm replaceless
i'm incredible you're a waste
i'm sensible you're outrageous"

& so the water
flows unaltered
time kept falling
no one caught her
lakes were made
of great mistakes
as all the problems
popped in place
& the bubbling stream
floats driftwood dreams
from desperate needs
to reality

my sharpened ****** fingertips
i used to burst your veins
i hold up to your loosened lips
as your hearing fades away

the crimson-colored cutting blade
i used to gouge your eyes
now peels the skin from off your face
to make a mask of ***** lies

a hundred dripping needles
i dropped into your skin
are now a hundred tiny tunnels
a lost highway for your sins

one sullen screaming bullethole
that traveled through your head
is a bookmark for the thoughts you stole
that you'll never think again

so you've got a heartache in your belly.
& as you casually told me
" it's about the size of a thumbnail
right now "
i looked down & realized
i needed to clip mine.
your eyes dimmed like theatre lights
when i closed the curtain
on your monologue
about motherhood
to tell you we couldn't keep it.
& i probably never loved you more
than those days where we would sit
in silence,
thinking about how empty we were about to become --
you literally,
& me….desperately.
& we went to that sterile building
with the bulletproof glass windows
& the chubby old woman,
using a blue blouse as a veil to cover the layers of
stress & years underneath.
she spoke to us through an echoing intercom
in a grave attempt to keep her distance
from our fingernail problem.
we got buzzed in & we waited &
we sat close but god you were so far away
& i reached out & grabbed your hand to pull you back in
& you looked over at me --
overpassed me --
& the ghost of a smile haunted your lips for a second….
they called your name, well
not your name…not the name i call you,
but the one your dad gave you,
& they told me i couldn't go back there with you
& i said i understood but i never will.
the waiting room filled with somber souls,
& we all pretended like it was just a normal doctor's office
but it was obvious who the better actors were
as some randomly burst into tears
like confetti poppers at a birthday party.
we all knew we were at a funeral but
they turned up the volume on the TV
like the quiche that Rachel Ray was baking
would make us forget the mistakes we were burying
& i remembered the picture you showed me
that looked like an x-ray of a jelly bean & said
" that's it.
that's what it looks like. "
& you stared at my face like you were trying to
memorize my expression in that exact moment
so you could dig it up whenever you needed to hate me again,
but then you came out of that door holding your belly
& i knew you wouldn't need to dig that up
because you would have no problem hating me
anymore.

you're dead.
you were murdered
during the third birth of my head
at first it hurt but then dispersed
& turned into regret
i made you an orphan from
the water source inside my eye
drained it dry & drown you now
you found out how to die
& eventually
you'll essentially
be erased from my memory
i'll ***** you out & shove you down
til your touch is just a skin disease

i conjured up these demons
so id finally have something to believe in,
but now they slowly scratch & scrape
& coldly break my brain away
so they can bury evil forces
deep in my cerebral cortex
they make precise slices
in the insides of my iris,
these devils forged in darkness
tear my spinal cord apart with
their steady stained & solemn heads
where hurt’s absorbed & swallowed in,
digested, divided & then dispensed
by their dissolving acid lips.

your sweet hot breath
the day you left
will linger in my mind
your sacred skin
the day you went
will reflect in my eyes
your pretty voice
will be the noise
i hear until i die
your gentle hands
in their tactile dance
will always hold my life

sleep
is just a metaphor for
deep dream seeking.
chasing dragons & demons
through a seamless sequence
of events which
defy all weakness
with tongue in cheek
& grinding teeth
toward bedsheet beacons
bright light beams
that scream through
bleak dreamscapes.
but better your head
than these streets & freeways..

(( Joshua walks into the small diner by himself & stands obediently next to the "WAIT TO BE SEATED" sign.  His eyes are casting shadows down his cheeks that blend into the subtle stubble that his long day created.  Eventually a waitress comes over to him & he holds up one finger.  They walk like a somber funeral procession to his booth, his grave, & he descends into it like a rigid corpse.  He comes here because it is one of the few places left in the city to smoke, & he gets right down to business.  The flick of his lighter is muted by the bickering coming from the booth behind him. ))

WOMAN: so do you still love me?

MAN: yes, but not really.

WOMAN: what does that mean?

MAN: well, it means i do, but not as much as i used to.

WOMAN: when did this happen?

MAN: yesterday...last week...

WOMAN: when, specifically?  you still say "love" a lot.

MAN: i can't say, really.  it's like waking up from a dream, covered in sweat and unfamiliar with your surroundings.

WOMAN: why are you sweating?

MAN: because of the dream.

WOMAN: no, your face right now.  you look like you went swimming.

MAN: i know.  could you hand me a napkin?

WOMAN: you still haven't answered my question.

MAN: another napkin.

WOMAN: you probably need a sponge.

MAN: i didn't see it on the menu...

WOMAN: so why didn't you tell me?

MAN: i didn't want to break your heart.

WOMAN: so you decided to stretch it out until it cracked under the pressure?

MAN: is it hot in here?

WOMAN: that's not your decision to make.  it is MY heart.

MAN: well, you have to admit i had it on loan for a while...

WOMAN: WELL YOU HAVEN'T BEEN MAKING PAYMENTS!


(( A loud thud.  Joshua looks up from the smoky haze to find a coughing waitress. ))


WAITRESS: to drink?

JOSH: an ashtray.

WAITRESS: what?

JOSH: there's no ashtray here.

WAITRESS: sure.  and what to drink?

JOSH: coffee, black.

WAITRESS: and what to eat?

JOSH: i could use a bit more time.

WAITRESS: we all could.


(( The waitress disappears. ))


MAN: look, i never said i was right.

WOMAN: neither did i.

MAN: at least i am telling you now.

WOMAN: now is later than it should have been.

MAN: i said i was sorry.

WOMAN: no, you didn't.

MAN: well, i meant to.


(( A long period of silence & clinking plates. ))


MAN: i should probably go.

WOMAN: i am pretty sure you left a long time ago.

MAN:  i'm sorry.

WOMAN: is there another?

MAN: another what?

WOMAN: if you don't love me, then your love must be somewhere else.  you have to love something.

MAN: no, there's not.  i've never been so alone.

WOMAN: that sounds terrible.

MAN: you will know the feeling soon.

WOMAN: jesus, the man behind us is smoking like a chimney...


(( Joshua puts his cigarette out.  The waitress appears amidst the smoke again. ))


WAITRESS: have you decided?

JOSH: i don't think anyone has.

i just don't understand
how such a tiny
lil
dainty thing
like
you
could take up SO MUCH space
inside  my  mind  &  even  come
flooding clumsily into my ugly heart...
your ringed
                    fingers forming bridges
across the tread marks
left behind
by earlier attempts to find you
((by other women i mistook for you)),
tiny smoldering campsites
& a persistent rhythm
marking the remnants of relationships
that your eyes help me forget...
yes
when i stretch out on your retinas
the others don't exist
yeah
when i fixate on your freckles
        there's     no       echo o o
                    in             my head.
you've filled it up entirely &
my eyelids keep the image in....
imagine what the ending is
if the beginning blows my mind like this!
we are simply freckles
                      on the face
                          of god
& you won't stick around for long
so i'll just be yours until you're gone.

ok well
lets return to reality
or whatever that may be ...
isn't that a vision that
all our backward habits breed?
or some fallacy of tragedy?
well yeah
i guess so. . .probably.
but life is ******* crushing me,
i can barely get my lungs to breathe
& the reaper's always touchin me
with phalanges ******* stuck in me
he just does this to some of us
my bones are only crumbled dust
& yeah i'm lonely just because
i cant distinguish lust from love

i miss the love i took for granted
the us neglected just cuz i had it
dismissed affection, look what happened
too intent on revenge to even grasp it
until its too late
i used to do things
that made me ashamed
to bear this ****** name
but i'm not the same
not a spiteful rival
i finally found change
but had to lose my title
& fail the trials
had to touch the bottom
to finally smile
i had to face the fires of hell
before i could aspire to do well
though i don't understand
the shape of god's hand
ill still try to change his scheme
to become a better me

craSH land ing in your
hand or
somet..h...i.n..g...
somepalm or plane
your fingers figured
EVERYTHING was
in theirange

"
i NEED the  cement
to   stack   the bric
ks  more  even  [][]
"          
        -she said

like self-construction
is in her-interests:
like she SPOftenKE
of scaf fold & ropes
& renov(icaine)ation????
instead of
numbness, running, & vacations
OHHHHHHHH THE GREAT PATRON SAINT
of r u   n a    w   a    y    s
is suddenly b-come-ing brave!!

i've been having trouble holding sleep
since she slowly fell in front of me
like the golden autumn leaves
but i couldn't rake her up
quite quick enough
her season change was make believe
because she found a more familiar tree

she left me W I D E awake
but god, i ******* dream.
for 3 never-ending days
we soared to heaven's reaches
but she collapsed into an early grave
& was buried by the weekend
so she could sleep amongst the roots
the devil keeps beneath him

you put all your eggs in one basket
then screamed at the wicker wire fashioned
to a clumsy form but the handle had cracked and
you belittled the broken bowl trying to get your eggs back in
but those yellow yolks were yelled at then abandoned
& you went to tell someone else what happened
who would do whatever you asked him

oh jeez...
look at how unsanitary the air can be
this area's apparently embarrassed of the error
so please excuse this breeze abuse
& breathe in deeply...heavily.
be ready for the steady supply
of thickened oxygen that's boxed me in
pressed against the rocks again
fending off that wretched wind
it bends me with its petty whims:
my lazy lungs got stretched too thin.

this air
this air...this heavy necessity
wrestling emptiness endlessly
TESTING TESTING
please inhale as you're listening
i'm invested in your empathy &
especially your circulatory circuitry
every blood cell has its worth to me
every photosynthesized sympathy
is my chlorophyll currency
& i'm spending it like burning leaves.

sometimes i get so alone in my loneliness--
an island in the dancing waves,
a dirtclod in a diamond cave--
i search for solace in your sagging *******,
some purpose in your imperfection.
i use the ridges of your ribs' recesses
as momentary misdirection,
i indulge in the dimples of your lower back with
all intents of intense distraction.
but i'm sorry for my feelings fleeting
& my love not lasting past the weekend,
if i'm not tangled in your skin's dimensions
i'm in the trenches dispensing demons
(i ****** habits like they're heathens).
& when it's time to wash my hands,
i rinse them in your innocence
& raid you like the villages
i plunder in the daylight hours.
i'm stunned at how your heart devours
what i run from like a coward.

lifelessly living
drenched in the blood
of forgotten memories

you heartless bag of bones
i'm just another meal
on your diet of dying souls

this disgusting vessel
i'm piloting
will never find its place in love

i fell into a deep hole
6 feet steep in demented people
a crimson liquid comes up
from subtle muddled tugs of
dark artistic blades
sharpened & parked in place
are scarring my heart from the arch in my back
while i'm starting to starve for a part of your laugh
but your stabbing tactics,
adverbs grabbed to get me back with,
are childish attacks on your selfish self for what has happened
you cant even admit the **** you brag about in private settings
& you'll deny & lie to try & find a way to die without regretting
but i guarantee it wont work
i've been there when i was younger
you're just building up the thunder
to be burned & buried under
& the stress is infested with aggressive death messages
when all your best friends' chests are ****** messes

i'm sorry you find it necessary
to put other people's body parts
inside your mouth
like you're some teething mental infant,
or maybe you're trying to take the place
of the baby we're pretending never happened…
…****.  i need a moment. .. …. …


ok.
anyway,
******* got you into this
so you think ******* will get you out?
it's ******* funny i have to flee the ******* country
to get free from your fingers' guilty grip
on a sad mind that can't ******* forgive himself,
on a mind muddied with so many mistakes
i get light-headed every ******* morning trying to decide
which regret to let ruin my day today,
but thank god you've always been there to remind me.
i thank that great guy in the sky
that you're always there
willing & ready
to rub it in.
maybe i just loved you too much,
i guess,
& you loved me just enough
so i'd still do favors for you
& god isn't that what Shakespeare was talking about?
we were rarely a well-written romance
but we ******* NAILED tragedy.
& i told you that first night
as we talked over
some movie i didn't care about
in some language i'll never learn,
that i ******* hated musicals….well
you must've read my subtitles
because you still sing inside my head sometimes.

i'm anxious for an early grave
an expressway to the pearly gates
or a laundry chute to the furnace flames
any burning faith that i can claim-
like yearning for a puppet string,
i'm addicted to the dangling-
salivating for that suspension
heaven help me make these hard decisions
because the aimlessness of atheism
is weighing down my weakened limbs
as it beats me til i'm bedridden
or confines me to the casket's grip.