sometimes i get so alone in my loneliness--
an island in the dancing waves,
a dirtclod in a diamond cave--
i search for solace in your sagging *******,
some purpose in your imperfection.
i use the ridges of your ribs' recesses
as momentary misdirection,
i indulge in the dimples of your lower back with
all intents of intense distraction.
but i'm sorry for my feelings fleeting
& my love not lasting past the weekend,
if i'm not tangled in your skin's dimensions
i'm in the trenches dispensing demons
(i ****** habits like they're heathens).
& when it's time to wash my hands,
i rinse them in your innocence
& raid you like the villages
i plunder in the daylight hours.
i'm stunned at how your heart devours
what i run from like a coward.

the boar tide's tusks
are rustling the leaves
wetting their own depth perception
& thrusting through
the stony home
where water's never meant to go,
rushing to extend its reach
****** the supposed beach
& BUSTING belly-first beyond these gravel streets.

so we find new ways to walk
new walkways made of taller rocks,
& softer steps in soggy socks,
because oftentimes the tidal clock is off:
a salmon holocaust with just
a solemn, hollow cough
as the waves are burped & swallowed
& lost among the blue disease...

pull on my preterite
volatile verbs
i lay every letter for you
inches of ink
morph into miles
stretching out far to find truth

soft-spoken syllables
tongue-licking treachery
now i constantly keep my mouth shut
linking up lips
ill eat with my eyes
but you'll never forget what i've done

you put all your eggs in one basket
then screamed at the wicker wire fashioned
to a clumsy form but the handle had cracked and
you belittled the broken bowl trying to get your eggs back in
but those yellow yolks were yelled at then abandoned
& you went to tell someone else what happened
who would do whatever you asked him

it's funny how you pretend i was never there
so quickly...
i was a transparent terror
in the tale of your existence.
a dog-eared page stained
with paper-cut streaks of blood
& smeared ink between quotation marks.
once you made it to
the back cover you tossed it
into the fireplace like it was a bookshelf,
like it was always meant to be there.
but i hope it turned to smoke so quickly
& found a new home in your lungs
& i hope you coughed those little bursts
that i fell in love with at the beginning of every summer
when your allergies kicked in.
i want to write another book
with you.
no sequels.  this is not a trilogy.
a brand new branching plot where we
just love relentlessly & forget religiously
those other volumes us young authors
hastily rushed to print.
we know what people want to read now
& we can be best sellers.

i'm always working for the weekend
& weakened from always working
& feeling worthless for returning
every morning
(bright & early)
& i wonder why my ribs are hurting
because my little felon heart
is rioting in his ivory prison
restless with the repetition
of this life that i call "living"

there are many miles mounting up
but they crumble with your crowding touch
they tumble down the love i found
& stumble round on troubled ground.
as i struggled with the distanced love,
i was humbled by its nonexistence
you mentioned love but never meant it.

honey i'm sorry
that the sun goes down
when you kiss another's lips
with an open mouth
i tried to tough it out
but its over now
you surely showed me how
to feel worse than the dirt
on this frozen ground
where the roses drown
next time i hear lies
at least ill know the sound

i remember
when we were younger
& you'd scrape into your arms
searching for bones or soul or something more
than what you thought you had inside
& i would lie about my life
to get you to look into my eyes
but neither ever worked for us
lost causes in the search for trust
& you used to walk with your arms crossed
to make another layer to your heart
or better yet a barrier to keep the two of us apart
& that barrier you learned to build
worked better than the beer & pills
& **** & coke & ecstasy i put between you & me
because i guess we were just afraid
of the weight behind that sacred phrase:
to be in the heavy hand of love's command
& that ambulance that tried to rinse
the toxins from my coughing valves
as you got a ticket coming quickly
to see the extent of my crippled kidneys
i wonder if you understand
i just wanted you to miss me...
& all those many many arguments
so drunk, frustrated & intense
those glass-punching pancake conflicts
a competition with no confidence
that i laugh about now that things are different
now that you've forgotten my existence
& i've gotten used to this division
but at least now i know it's true
i don't think i'll get over you
until my lips are cold & blue

sprinting slow & solemnly
from bottom feeding apologies
from breathing rotten memories
that i'd forgotten entirely
or so i repeat habitually
as the days recycle endlessly
like some explicitly persistent dream
but i'm gripping to this slippery sleep
because its better than remembering
its better than wishing that you miss me
& waking up alive but empty
everyday that you're not with me

i'm in love with a ******* ghost
or a ******* corpse
or a ******* warped distortion of a woman
& that *****'s omnipotent rhythm,
twisted with the weight of weeks
i've been distanced from her face & cheeks,
a scrambled, vintage, simple image
of feelings that did not exist.
a transparent carcass of her heart
with ****** valves & unchanged chambers
haunts my every aching body part
but leaves my lips to whisper prayers
& everytime i reach 'amen'
i'm attacked by that apparition.
it stalks me like an awful habit
she wants me with her in the casket...

craters created constantly
((dents in my design))
comets crash into my confidence
until my ego has evaporated
((eventually...))
in an awful orbit
worshiping an orphan star
ignorant of my existance
but i'm greedy for her gravity...
grasping for her geography,
but she's already forgotten me

at your funeral
your friends & lovers said
"she was so beautiful
and still is when shes dead"
but you requested no mirror
inside your coffin

you slid along quietly
past everyone's face
with so little vanity
we all felt ashamed
for being the epitome
of everything vain

you sought no reflection
in the ocean’s waves
you strived for perfection
but never forgave
my sudden inception
in your personal space

slip into misunderstanding
it’s the safest place around
six feet from communication
deep beneath the ground

elaborate tunnels
crawling seasons from reason
cavernous cave-ins
dirt and words to breathe in

sink into mud
skin scraped off by roots
each handful of earth
digs further from truth

skeletal structures
empty vessels abandoned
decaying to marrow
from hazardous habits

shovel your safety
and leave it behind
your dirtclod disinterest
is unsympathized

self destructive wrist is
always bursting into pieces
using flesh as your parchment
write with razors til it hardens
then the slicing isn't burning
this crimson pain just isn't working
the deadness beating in your head
won't be brought to life again
search through shelves of self improvement
resort to smoke to dumb your senses
figure "if i can't transfer all this hurt
then i'll cloud up these problems first
and maybe they'll fill with such confusion
they'll forget what they were doing"
but soon enough the fog is clearing
and the voices you've been hearing
rumble back until they're SCREAMING
"you will never ever leave me"

i've been having trouble holding sleep
since she slowly fell in front of me
like the golden autumn leaves
but i couldn't rake her up
quite quick enough
her season change was make believe
because she found a more familiar tree

she left me W I D E awake
but god, i ******* dream.
for 3 never-ending days
we soared to heaven's reaches
but she collapsed into an early grave
& was buried by the weekend
so she could sleep amongst the roots
the devil keeps beneath him

tell me
what the planet looks like
floating up there on the clouds
are the oceans bluer with a cottonmouth &
can you count the countries as you cut them out?
is the forest greener from the ground or
are the branches blinding looking down?
i guess you're reassured somehow
that i'm just a face amongst the crowd or
just an ant atop the mound
transporting ten tons of regret in
an attempt to make my queen content

since we've broken up
i've been loaded up
getting drunk & throwing up
swollen head all bloated up
from doses of the finest drugs
but it's never quite high enough
to forget your type of tired love
it keeps me anchored as i'm flying up
as i'm crowd surfing
on a cloud's surface
my head is drowning in the dirt
i'm ground to grains & feeling worthless
clay for brains & muddy urges
lead to vacant veins & vapor verses
a rehearsal for a solemn song
sedating the invading fog
while praying for the haze to stop

lets raise a beer in cheers:
here's to the reason
the seasons disappear
running dumbly from eachother
winter scarcely escapes summer,
but here's to life all
bright with hope
if there's a cliff we'll build a moat
if today's a waste there's tomorrow,
& here's to death &
its ***** certainty
in the sky or under earth we'll meet
& live perfectly eternally

my fingers fit perfectly
in the holes in your memory
your soft lips were meant to be
linked with mine eternally
our thoughts are coherently
understood naturally
a perfect mentality
you decided to share with me
your fingers so lovingly
have a way of comforting
of healing anxiety
making my worries recede
but now distance has come between
and left my heart violently
crying out in longing
for the love it will always need
my wretched tortured voice is received
by your monotone message machine
i can barely say anything
with the receiver there listening...

i fall asleep
on fallen leaves
& call to all the long deceased
tell them of the swelling trees
that melted their roots next to me
& left me unexpectedly
anchored to their rancor seeds
where pain pours out in memories
down narrow bones with marrow mesh
& find their homes in borrowed flesh
& take full hold of my confidence

we both set the earth ablaze
from a different place
& the seas of trees
made ashy rain
& right where the equator lays
we licked eachother's flames
until we left the earth a charcoal marble
lost in outer space.

but spinning there
in burning air
& the awkward silence of despair
i think that we both realized
the oceans don't ignite.

from the perspective of two depressed individuals
when suicide's misdirected its effect is residual
it spreads across the wet tear bed you left
where your pretend weekend friends slept
until they woke up in a cold sweat
blue lips pale skin & visible breath
hell hath frozen over & your hope is dead
while IVs penetrate your veins in a hospital bed
& your mother watches the long-delayed death of her egg

i miss the love i took for granted
the us neglected just cuz i had it
dismissed affection, look what happened
too intent on revenge to even grasp it
until its too late
i used to do things
that made me ashamed
to bear this ****** name
but i'm not the same
not a spiteful rival
i finally found change
but had to lose my title
& fail the trials
had to touch the bottom
to finally smile
i had to face the fires of hell
before i could aspire to do well
though i don't understand
the shape of god's hand
ill still try to change his scheme
to become a better me

it makes me so sad
that you're alive & not in love with me.
that your existence persists
despite your ocean waves of interest,
foaming on the shores
of my subconscious.
but it's not like you SAY
you don't love me.
no, those tiny words would never squirt
from your bursting lips,
pink like a ripe grapefruit
that i've forgotten the taste of.
no, you've never uttered it
but i see it when i dive
into those brown cups of coffee
you call your eyes,
there's someone else's sugar.
someone else has sweetened them,
& you just expect me to drink from the same cup??
no.
no.  i have burnt my tongue too many times,
but the other orbs were blue,
like glasses of water,
& i could see through them,
i thought.
& i knew you were a more muddy concoction,
like the blue transparency
of other women's water
gave me false confidence,
& with you i wanted some
     !!!!SURPRISE!!!!
& *******,
you got me good….
i didn't see all the lies crouched behind the couch,
that deceit with a lampshade on its head in the corner,
the fabrications pressed flat to the wall trying to blend in,
or even
the dishonesty hidden behind the door
that all JUMPED out at me
one day when i came home from work
like some birthday party from hell.

baby birds collapsed on concrete
i wonder if she gave them names
before they fell & became jelly
drenched in their own **** & shame
with limbs bent like accordions
after bursting from a broken egg
their infancy spread evenly
across the sidewalk's face.

& when the flies came floating in
to feast on bloated intestines
filled with food undigested
exploding out of rubber ribs
i wonder if the mother sits
watching from a skyward limb
mourning for her fallen kids
or if she's flirting with the worms
& already forgotten them.

oh so youre the self-righteous
eyelid that closed overtop my iris
and blackened out my background
til my slackened eye was blinded?
well i've got news for you i truthfully decided
i'm not just gonna lie down where this virus has resided
i'm not the pitiful parasite you thought you were fightin
but i'm probably the person you partially have pride in
and i wont stop the slaughter til the waters are divided
til you're ******* up the sand on your own deserted island

i tried to draw your picture once
but my hand & mind
couldn't compromise
on how to portray perfection
with just some simple lines
these colors couldn't illustrate
all the flawless thoughts you think
this paper could not consummate
the happiness your eyes create
my heart swells at the smell
of your beautiful skin
but i could never endeavor
to imitate that with pen

i'm plowing through the crowded plains
all yellow grass & open veins
& belly laughs at better days
because i finally made a clean escape.

& i can pack a MEAN suitcase
stuffed with photos of your ******* face
& i'll abandon you in every state
leaving a polaroid in every place:
an image for each bridge & lake
that gives me visions of your lips & legs.

& by the time i reach those western beaches
my bags have lost a lot of weight
& i've erased all ******* trace
of the comfort of your fake embrace.

& so the water
flows unaltered
time kept falling
no one caught her
lakes were made
of great mistakes
as all the problems
popped in place
& the bubbling stream
floats driftwood dreams
from desperate needs
to reality

in the warmth of winter's afterglow
that humid calm before the storm
our bodies felt the lightning form
& in your eyes a spark absorbed...
i kissed you with the timing of
a kindergartner finding love
& the timid hands
of past romance
that never measured up...
so you became the frightening thunder
& i became the windy breeze
you battled with the lightning's wonder
i fiddled with the spinning leaves
you roared across the blinding tundra
i whistled while spreading seeds...
calm returns with a violent burst
i'm climbing clouds & counting birds
& measuring the mountain's curves
just to watch you mouth the words
my starving ears have never heard.... .. .

the future is inevitable
but the present's at least tangible
drowning in the dark debris
of a shadowed past collapsed & shattered
that i pepper now with pleasantries
to pretend that it even mattered that i
waded waist deep in blind mistakes
& preach the lessons i progressed from
but im still entrenched in bad intentions...
my soul is **** but i'm WIDE AWAKE

your motives are dark & disturbing
& you know this is exactly what hurts me
& if you can lie about how you manipulated
i won't even try to realize how these lies are created
in a head that's obsessed with being constantly correct
i can't guess the lengths you would stretch to hear 'yes'
by bending the truth into circles & loops
until they are just hoops for me to jump through
well i'm not just your pet or avatar for regrets
i do not represent the goals you haven't met
so quit ******* with my heart and just let me rest.

i don't know if i can go on like this
with a gunshot wound
deep inside my chest
and have to just try and pretend
it wasn't you
not your gunpowder laced lips

we all know what a bullet does
when it pierces bone
when it travels through your lungs
so my mouth collapses shut
empty air just flows
and silences my tongue

so you've finally done with words
what you couldn't do
with hands & blades & burns
and now i will never stir
i'll just think of you
as my skin absorbs the dirt

take these
automatic habits you implanted
in the back of my hands
that inflict dents in my relationships
whenever my muscles twitch
out of happiness
my fists clinch
in expectance of negative

spinning around
for days in place
i wake up to a dizzy head
see-saw floors and
dancing doors
surround my swollen bed
the carpet bleeds
under my feet
and swallows all my skin
waltzing bones
and tissue floats
in oceans of my sin

wind spins
leaves gently
on concrete
oddly
falling feels free
no more
filthy guilt please
swinging cleanly
the breeze breathes easy
& leaves gain speed
with disbelief
in gravity
or maybe they know they don't
need it

i wait for a letter you
swore was coming to me:
insincerity wrapped up in an envelope
you said “my love i
write every word to spite you,”
but as long as you’re writing
it doesn’t bother me.
i’m choked up in hands
i was never blessed enough to touch
and syllables become a source of comforting.
love used to leak from
the tip of your pen
but now blood's the only ink that shows up legibly.
i give up on a letter i
thought was coming to me
i guess it was just a misunderstanding.

how i long to lounge upon your lips
be the object of your gaze
you're an extension of my fingertips
as i try to solve your body's maze
but these are purely dreams alone
your beauty's far beyond & clean
so i shift focus to my homely bones
& suffer til structure can be seen

i remember winter months
being thinner than the summer ones
fattened with a dumber love
that happened just...because.

we eat this, drink this, breathe this weakness
hoping 2 half-souls can break even
the open hearts of broken people
deleting love they once believed in

we're lonely now that its not cold
troubled with how your eyes got old
while running they're so colorful
but now they're nothing & i'm miserable

these ink stains are like linked chains
i'm engaged in these pages like deep veins
& its making me see things.

like beauty & truth in words
that don't usually sooth...but soon
its a stuttered excuse i don't have the stomach to use.

i envision hopes & goals where
there were wicked open holes
& obstacles so inoperable as i'm getting awfully old...

just a killing fear of a fulfilling career
i've been building for years while welling with tears
but that backwards searching was
a crash course in learning & i'm finally here.

on your shelves there is a book
with a dog-eared page you'll never turn
you remember every sacred word
for that page is just a paper crook

it stole your every gasping breath,
thieved your thoughts through your eyes
your beating heart it burglarized
as words danced around your fingertips

it ***** your mouth and made it bleed,
ground your bones to sticky paste
your swollen head it clean erased
when you sang aloud its melody

but overtime you just forgot
that page that put your mind at rest
so you never made it to the end
and on forgotten shelf it rots

now i'm stranded in the sand
deserted with my eternal curse
& the fact you never looked back
doesn't make the dirt disperse
drowning in the gathered grains
the rough remains of love exchanges
but each was just a dusty joke
like the broken lies you spoke
& so i should hate with all my soul
but god i couldn't miss you more

red was just a color that
bled through my brain's crevices
painted my dead retina
with slippery crimson messages
a filter for my frigid eyes
rejected all the other lies
until that color lined my sight
the only crayon ever craved
enveloped my swelling head
no telling how that ****** shade
sutured up my silly pain

when i woke up in the morning
my head was strewn about the lawn
all the thoughts i had been thinking
wanted out of me all along

but they were all underdeveloped
& outside they couldn’t breathe
the air was chastising instead of
my mind's careful nurturing

so they begged me to come back in
but i said “theres nothing i can do
you took advantage of what you had then,
i always tried to care for you”

they said “please cant you just help us”
as they got down on their knees
but my thoughts were so clouded up
a fog had built up in the street

and the more i went out searching
out into the snowblind air
the more my broken brainworkings
got lost in their own despair

but soon enough i had surrendered
and i fell down where i stood
then somewhere in the fog i heard
“did you do everything you could?”

the rainbow ridden autumn leaves
sway solemnly falling at the feet
of the dark and dreary barkless trees
who have been stripped of all their dignity
to reveal the rotten wood beneath

so the monsters showed up one by one
to scrape up all the autumn blood
that lonesome limbs dropped from above
in an attempt to outstretch their love
but crushed is all the leaves become

the shrubs submitted to their death
with roots dug deep in their regrets
but once they see the sun's silhouette
they'll try and look their very best
and suddenly when summer ends
shell put their weary thoughts to rest

this dream i’ve been having
everyday when i wake up
the sun spreads fluorescent rays around me
i get blinded by sincerity
that you’ve made up
and let spill from your mouth from overcrowding

i drink all the sweat
from your soothing skin
and get stuck in this trap i got myself in
then i lie with you
under a blanket of dreams
and it disappears like all i’ve ever been

she has tear drops like treetops
& i'm breaking her branches
climbing her limp limbs
as they collapse in small splashes.
her tear ducts grow tree trunks
with roots tangled in eyelashes
& she counts every ring
so she knows when a year passes.
i am her magnifying lens
turning water to ashes
i help forget her forests
with fingers like matchsticks.
i burn her leaves like memories
& heat up all her habits
she hinders hope religiously
while i evaporate the damage.
her trees use words as fertilizer
stretching arms to freckled clouds
her buoyant bark a wet reminder
that gently decorates her mouth.

cryptic conversions
from you into her this is
what you deserved when these
problems occurred again

blackened from burning skies
that turn red when yearning dies
from glares of your urging eyes
i’m beginning to realize

perfection gives no regard to
love that has fallen apart i’ll
cling to just any sort of
person with half a heart

nothing comes close to you
so comparison is of no use
in my search for broken truths
i’ll never feel without you

we both had an ocean once
which crashed upon the rocks
& for one salty, open month
we splashed away our thoughts

we danced along the waves
dove down below the reef
explored every darkened cave
& grew new gills to breathe

told our truths through bubbled words
safe here deep beneath the bay
then our every sacred secret burst
& i drowned as you swam away