you're dead.
you were murdered
during the third birth of my head
at first it hurt but then dispersed
& turned into regret
i made you an orphan from
the water source inside my eye
drained it dry & drown you now
you found out how to die
& eventually
you'll essentially
be erased from my memory
i'll ***** you out & shove you down
til your touch is just a skin disease

that diamond crested,
disease infested life lesson
about the direction in which life beckons
"i need to run away to be free"
but isn't this a repeat?
didn't we make the fleeting defeatist decision
and now you're back again hurting me????
"yeah but we were only thirteen, see?"
well i'm still the same dumb kid
who thinks you cannot be trusted
i'm just a busted substitute for whatever love is.
but now you realize this
and severed our every tie it's
me trying to deny it's really the end this time...

your motives are dark & disturbing
& you know this is exactly what hurts me
& if you can lie about how you manipulated
i won't even try to realize how these lies are created
in a head that's obsessed with being constantly correct
i can't guess the lengths you would stretch to hear 'yes'
by bending the truth into circles & loops
until they are just hoops for me to jump through
well i'm not just your pet or avatar for regrets
i do not represent the goals you haven't met
so quit ******* with my heart and just let me rest.

you put all your eggs in one basket
then screamed at the wicker wire fashioned
to a clumsy form but the handle had cracked and
you belittled the broken bowl trying to get your eggs back in
but those yellow yolks were yelled at then abandoned
& you went to tell someone else what happened
who would do whatever you asked him

i conjured up these demons
so id finally have something to believe in,
but now they slowly scratch & scrape
& coldly break my brain away
so they can bury evil forces
deep in my cerebral cortex
they make precise slices
in the insides of my iris,
these devils forged in darkness
tear my spinal cord apart with
their steady stained & solemn heads
where hurt’s absorbed & swallowed in,
digested, divided & then dispensed
by their dissolving acid lips.

so i had slowly exposed
your lowly motives:
to be known as less lonely
you pulled me from cold lips.
you warmed the form of my torn heart
& welded the melted pieces
til i felt the swell of its beating,
the engine of my breathing
roughly revived from receding
from purity into obscurity
a cynical side effect of maturity.
but i was not the first to see
life lacking you's a blur to me
but now you made it crisp & clear
love never fades or disappears
we just pretend it isn't here
to suspend the hurt & end the fear,
but its nights like this i am reminded
why you're all i see behind my eyelids.
the touch i once took much for granted
i cherish, less careless than i was back then,
but love's just not enough i guess
when the one you yearn for deserves the best
when she views you as a massive mess
just another wretched time investment
or just another forceful *****
leading to the corpse of hope.

i fell asleep
to the swelling beat
of ****** jealousy
& woke up
to a full cup
of cold love
that we hadn't
spoke of
since we broke up
& now sounds like
a low thud.
rather than
the thunderous
industrious thumping
that your valves
screamed out
when they ******
pumped for something.