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Trauma

I have known abject fear.
As a little girl.
Illnesses that almost took me away.
But I made it.
I lived a life as a little person that was full of uncertainty and fear and pain and sickness and loneliness. I
lived that.
I lived it and I
found my way through it. I’ve
never told another living soul what I’ve endured. Never.
Not many would understand. The hours and hours I
spent alone in the dark in a fever dream  in a state of desperation.
Crying for my mom, my dad, my sisters. Nobody came.
They weren’t allowed.
Visiting hours in the 1970s were limited. And nobody cared, really. Not really.
You learned how to survive. And I did. But I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget those nights and days and weeks alone. Never.
I’m so Invisible

You might not see me,
but I’m still here.
Walking in the shadows.
Walking in the darkest spaces I can find because well,
that’s where I need to be.

Baby, it’s just that way with me.
I walk in the shadows, gallows, I walk in the throws of ecstasy.
It’s all fire and rain
and pain with me.
Nothing ever makes sense with me because I can’t ever-
ever make sense of myself.
So.
So I guess I’ll just keep walking.
Walking
in the shadows.
Take me if you wish, but you’ll have to
take me
as I am.
Jennifer R Fay Sep 2018
I Fear Not

I truly fear nothing-
reasonable, that is.
Spiders might stop my heart for a moment or two.
Not much else - because I’ve battered all the storms -all of them.
So.
What’ve you got for me now?
Being honest here. Not much gets to me anymore.
Jennifer R Fay Sep 2018
Ineffable

Words cannot express
what I feel for you.
It’s too great to articulate.
You’re no super hero,
but you are kind of an
everyday hero.
You love me. Unconditionally.
You lift me up. Effortlessly.
Every day.
This is what you do for me.
And I love you for it.
Thank you, my love, thank you.
I have no words,
No words for the love you so effortlessly
give to me.
Just spoken from the heart. My husband is a true gem and I love him so. Maybe I should share this poem with him some day? ;)
Jennifer R Fay Aug 2018
Bumped into an old flame the other day...inspired this nasty little poem...;)

Oh first love,
how I want to crush you beneath my heel.
Grind the little pieces of you into the dirt until the soles of my feet bleed scarlet red rivulets of my blood-my life-my energy-that I wasted on you.
Come on over-
I’ll take you up in my arms and crush you against my chest-break your ribs and smother the air out of your lungs. Crush you against my body until you fall limp and then I’ll release you.
Let you slump in an inconsequential heap at my feet.
Exactly where you belong.
If you ever come back to me
I promise you this fate.
You took me up back then and
pulled me all the way down.
I scrambled up and out of that pit of despair you condemned me to so don’t.
Don’t come back to me.
You’ll regret it because I’m ready and willing to make things right.
Square things away -
so just don’t.
Don’t you come back to me now.
A little ****, but **** I sure meant every word I said, haha! I think many of us have let someone into our lives, at some point, that was just a bit of poison in our apple. Am I right?
Jennifer R Fay Aug 2018
That’s where I like to escape, often.
Pick up a real book-this thing with paper and a cover and bindings and a frontispiece and I just dive right in.
Turn off all the background noise and I just waltz right into that exposition and sit myself down and watch. Listen.
Become a part of the narrator’s carefully crafted tale.
Cheer for my protagonist and wish the worst for my antagonist.
I hear it all, and feel it all,
eat and breathe those words, those scenes, that rising action.
I’m right there for the ******
and falling action and the eventual denouement.
And then I let go.
I set that book gently down on my bedside table and I let myself come back here. Regretfully, always, but at least I know that another world
is just a page or two away.
I’ve always been a bookworm. My books have been my education and my salvation often. Just read my first Louis L’amour novel and I’m awestruck. What a wonderful escape.
Jennifer R Fay Jun 2018
Don’t Give Up

I’ll never, ever understand
why you gave up on this cruel world.
Why? Why not just soldier on
and hope for a better tomorrow?
Why not?
I’m always going to wonder why.
Even in my darkest moments, I think no. I’ll never let go because
I can’t leave my loved ones behind. No. I’ll never make them live with more pain than I ever could endure.
I can’t check out.
Take the easy road.
Leave the rest of you to hurt and hurt and ask why.
The strongest thing we can do
In our weakest moments
Is to not
Let
Go.
Soldier
On,
Soldier on.
Maybe I’m wrong. But I wish the one I lost wouldn’t have given up.
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