It awakens when my mind is altered
drunk and completely blacked out
the monster that cant be me

stress builds and things go without being said
so nobody know because its all in my head
just a few shots bring out the evil that cant be me

I hold it inside until I drive myself crazy
then nobody sees it coming
the monster is raging

I has to be me because I am to blame
Though I wouldn't do that if the beast were tame
I will destroy it now before it destroys me

Its mean and hateful and has no mercy
this terrible demon, by which I am ****** it vain
Someone always gets hurt, though I feel the worst

The beast inside of me is driven by pain
it dwells within me and I don't know its name
all I know is it cant be me, this horrible thing

It will destroy me if I don't have control
I will lose everything, my family and home
the one that I love will finally give up

I will become what I have never wanted to be
this burden I will conquer, the beast inside of me..

Hate feeling..
skin peeling..
world of hurt..
pain so pure..
Scratching nails..
down the walls..
Disrespectful..
unresolved..
feeling scared & suspecting..
drowning ties..
imperfective..
lying vows..
stupid pictures..
pushing me..
a wayward drifter..
let me leave this fake abode..
broken pieces..
left alone
run away..
my deepest yearning..
downward spiral..
slowly burning..
greater trials..
approaching me..
phony manic..
eloping me..
a broken bone..
an ugly scar..
hurting when it rains..
like a former fracture..
the limb will never be the same..
falling off a tree..
I'll run the hurt away..
although encaged in this dilemma..
I know I have to stay..
I recognize the ledge,
but I'll always hold the rope..
For when your balance falters..
I'll be your only hope..

smiling sound; sonar driven
echoed back; always smitten
leave my body; floating mind
feeling sound; every time
bass vibration; settles me
simple lyrics; deep meaning
easy spirit; noise unveiling
underlining; concentrating
out the window; intently gazing
there it goes; my favorite song
the perfect chance; to sing along

Alone & solemn..
a sentimental probem..
resentment & hate, only fate..
breakfast morning, leaving mourning..
breathing overtakes, self absorbing..
Loving great & holding less..
Clenching more, feels depressed..
only person, feels like a juggle..
tearing heart, constant struggle..
so what if the worst really happens..
reoccuring, inevitably fastened..
I lose you & my happiness..
even through an easy mean..
I'll gleam through, a pleasant being..
so take my soul & stomp it out..
For it wont cast through everlasting doubt..
Then hate will rein & I will fade..
because truth will conquer & life will invade..
with whirly eyes, red & throbbing..
horrored ***** with their knees locking..
babies not a truthful sight..
with all infertile, feeling strive..
wondering what if all, succumbs to this..
exhaling bliss & inhaling ****..
So I'll blister for just one more lie..
humanity enduring the pain through time..
similar emotion altercations..
a lifetime of abomination..
reincarnated, into a new life..
a silly soulful prototype..

Hate, destruction, despite my pity
the hate will overcome
horrible, nasty, I'll never get this past me
horror terror, I wish you the worst
alone I will hide at home i will reside
dislike the resentment
move past the wrong
solemnly in silence,
the place I belong..

stringing up a tapistry..
like a spider passively..
sensory is mastery..
emotions fail me tragically..
so if I see the moonlit water..
will nacht in German be my border..
configuring the astro stars..
confiding me in something far..
many miles of spun up web..
so perfectly wrapped up & dead..
admiring a thing so sweet..
we the living, feeling grief..
fleshy fetus, then we grow..
a world so round, is all we know..
starry eyes & energy..
experience will take the lead..

50th years of untold perfection.
A man, the spirit of a good man, in perfect little sections.
a father whom needs no introduction.
The best in everything he is, and he only asks for nothing.
We all need him but want him to live.
hoping that I can do without him.
he does for so many and his heart is large.
and no matter the distance away i go.
we both share that special part.
its so endearing, but yet un-appearing.
no one needs to be shown. Hes humble in spirit.
he shows it through action and he'll help me mirror it.
he doesn't flaunt it or show any struggle.
he loves the hard and hates the suttle.
and hes shown me that life's not bad.
a matter of adjustment to habitat.
just be yourself and honor it.
to the best of the best. A father; a martyr.
my motivation to make life go farther.

Aroma of a man.. a scent to soothe..
a smell that makes me feel close to you..
the comfort of our pillow top.. the place I reminisce a lot..
how we'd even come to be.. a perfect match.. lucky me..
desired by the the other girls.. & I'm the one who rocks your world..
I've found the one to balance my needs.. loving every inch of me..
just your scent keeps me yearning.. due to you I'm always learning..
so very gracious to share your love.. you keep me happy no matter what..
easily we all float on.. though then my world would feel so wrong..
so very strong & nurturing.. my everything so deep in me..
I never thought I could love a man.. then everyday you prove that I can..
you are the one whom I hold so close.. my medicine in the proper dose..
no matter what life puts us through.. your my favorite color in the perfect hue..
the only one I'll ever want.. my everlasting treasure..
rapid pulse..  more than excited..
meeting you.. epiphany..
linked through mind as we are in body..
a shared life.. with man who got me..

Draining every drop..
to itch a certain spot..
sudden isolation..
alone intimidation..
being as i will..
never keeping still..
this is all I need..
to keep my mind in sync..
think what this will bring..
never being seen..
just a little hope..
taking that you don't..
mind will always whisper..
the things that never differ..
loathing what you fear..
will always interfere..
hold and treasure, dear..
loosing cheer..
left drear..

Fear..craze..
making up things..
focuses on what is sad..
kicks you in the ***..
reluctant to make a difference..
realizes it already does..
initiates change..
begins a new self..
asks for help..
lets people in..
holds nothing back..
wants to play..
anxious to win..
falls down..
gets back up..
loses some..
wins just enough..

so grateful..so glad for everything I have..
in everything and through all and all I'll be just fine..
and if i die and if you die..I'll never mind if anyone cries..
don't cry for me or anyone.. just smile for me and shine your ray..
digging deep..and feeling great..I'll love you more everyday..
and all the world will feel our rays..because love is lovely and I'm insane..
palm trees waving..people misbehaving..
While love is here..so why are we waiting..
in death there is sorrow..
we're happy now so **** tomorrow..
love and leave..grow and achieve..
no matter the loss lost along the way..the world will love you all the same..

Lingering anger.. perplexed reminders..
love in danger.. a destined timer..
careless words..endured..deveined..
warped mind.. evil.. deranged..
fake illusion.. brain contusion..
on a stage of untrue.. black curtains.. cover you..
stagnant water..unclear view.. jumping in without a clue..
changing sequence.. me on defense..
waiting for the hidden demons..
extreme caring..left to rot..
realizing what I thought was real.. was not..
distractions overtake you.. then I start to hate you..
I swear it always happens.. every single time..
entangled in you.. yet you're separated..
by your choice.. not mine..

To stand a chance in our love.. knees on the ground..
I must be enough.. head in the clouds..
a daze of worry.. the unshakable mood..
repressing my fury.. just to face you..
pours through my fingers.. unconditional love..
all of my trust..puddling up..
life runs away..to my pleasant dreams..
my head opens up.. in the night.. & seals up for the day..
sinking through the door.. staring at the door..
ripping up the blinds.. dirt under my nails..
time after time.. filing me frail..
reminiscence of our bad.. I hate the world & feel so drab..

Love equals nothing, how would I know
**** verses ***** i stay wet, but it doesnt grow
Here we go, here I am all alone
Do it wrong, it all scattered in places it doesn't belong
Smiling faslely, holding on balsy
Looking at you and I feel like I failed
Constant loser, a baby unveiled

Scratching nails for your life
Finger nails to a ****** quick
Chest tensely beating
Dropping stomach
Staring and blank
that taste that is so familiar
Deja vu flavored
A distant memory
A comfortable thought
Holes in the ground
And then
we fall

A reminder through the wind blown tears..
many battles we fight through to the clear..
hopeless romance & letting go..
the friction in love, in which we devote ourselves so..
A reminder that mirror our souls through fear..
Reminders through loss of the ones we hold dear..
hurt & ache will numb us tough..
despite anything love must be enough..
when stress will wear your body down..
a world that projects the here & now..
feeling heavy keeping up..
we snap back into it..
the big picture is the only view..
a game of hit & miss..

once when we looked to the stars
back laid back on a towel
sharing hope that love stows in its bowel

then when we looked away
spending our days in dismay
wasting our time away

appreciated words
cherished time
telling you goodbye, just one more time

hands gripped, tears strained
hard as hell, no one to blame
car sitting, tissues ripping

your still here, but no one is listening
so much pain, no remorse
lets let depression take its course

when goodbye feels like forever..
kisses that just cant cauterize the wounds..
tears that burn like salt in cuts..

I  will wait and hurt..
you will hope I  don't..
I will let you down..
you will help me drown..

These Heart felt nothings
Unfulfilled mornings
Me left hurting
Hating myself
Wanting nothing
Maybe a little respect
Hate and bigotry will overcome us
I will overcome myself
I a sure a peasant would frown a pun me
Knowing that I do not appreciate
Loathing myself
Concentrating on oneself
Being selfish and faithless
For nothing. Can save me..
I turn for pity and yet I deserve a whip
I beg for sorrow nd hell; s what fits

Mush brain, empty stomach
Lifting myself, the day plummets
Walking to run,  running to drunk
Day is gone, soul depleting
Filing my patience, wanting
Hating myself, needing you
Itched, scratched, beaten, dragged
Pushing through, minute to minute
Face looks dead, body needs bed
Mind swirling, fingers play with anything
Sheets smoothe, pillow heaven
Thoughts of food, starved by time
Quakes of emotion, left behind
Bottles clear, from their emptiness
Still, there is air, trapped and unoticed
Corked and done with, Sealing me in
Silently on the cement with the other bottles

A darkened depth, a roaring sorrow
today I see you, though you're gone tomorrow
a vibrate glow, your smile projects
a beating heart, with no regrets
hard and lonely, a road we know
we're never ready, but here we go
a mental hunger, love neglected
high hopes, our love respected
always here, I hope you know
even with distance, I am your home

I found myself in the strangest place
In a world with many shades
memory erased, so overtaken
Unlike my mind before

An endless maze of thoughts
Once forever growing
Searching for a hault
Not knowing where I'm going

This is me; so free & uninformed;
Once before; so young & adored
Dreams that stretched unto forever
Heart that was broken through ignorance
A mind that could open pandoras box
The charm & heart that would seemingly never stop;
Rags for clothes; rich with music; full of lyrics; poems & rants
Bitter, but strong in a self indulgent land;
Love conquered through waves of hurt;
Building me up with all of the perks;
Charm & swagger; no longer winning
Little did I know; the end would be my beginning; with love transcending; this & that blending.
Veins appear; new spots, new freckles & moles; with veins bursting from clots.
The eyes that trap you in the night; the thoughts that silence you with stiffening fright; we wake in our deepest breath; rising embodied to see what's next.

Flipping through pages ;
Full of you and I
Moments well captured;
our legacy in still life
Browsing every picture;
smiling at every word
Holding on to time;
our albums of gold
A timeline of growth;
With journey so bold
Aside me you sit;
We only get older
A life of bliss;
In pages of golden boarders

It seems there are forces, we cannot control
Leaves our hearts tangled in forest, shining light through its cluster
As it rains and its cold, we seek comfort through our thoughts
Hearts still beat, hands still feel the drops of cold misery
Mind knowing it is better to feel long than nothing
Time speeds accordingly though our routine
A seeking of relieve and ending, the sun bringing hope rays
New beginnings and well deserved, appreciation as we learn
Eyes flood like the roads, messy from the mask ive put on for you
We seek perfection through moments, these anticipated visions
Your eyes dry from the desert and ready for my rain
With you in the desert and I in the forest rain..

When they see you as weak
Its only a tweak
to show them my teeth
Hanging on to false impressions
A miniscule measure 
to show you my displeasures
Running away from
actuals and true measure
Just to find a way that's better

Fear makes us hero's
Its how we brave
Fear is the way we get it to be this way
Fear takes away all our faith
until fear allows us to comprehend the stakes

Through dark anvenues- long adventures
Past fire escapes- elluding dark figures
Beyond there lies- a strong willed exhibitor

As we consider- all of the inhibitors
Consuming false minister's
In a race to penetrate the heard
Through our experiences- in a world so perturbed

As if time is a capsule encasing all within it
Just like the thousand mile stare we give, that suppose to be legitimate
How hard it feels to smile fakely, wilst your body aches
A self reminder of what other do that we can't
Keep moving, every minute
Don't know what you heard
But they call me Jenn it to win it.💯

When we give up
What are we giving up
On & on without righting the wrongs

Why do we do it?
Time's it's easy to leave
Times its easy to stay
Hanging on tight
Lets prolong that delay

When we give up
What are are we giving up
On & on without righting our wrongs

Driving looking through your rearview
Like your eyes cant see you
The lines on your face
The pressure life creates
An internal debate
With the person you hate

When we give up
What are we giving up
On & on without righting our wrongs

Feeling more life myself
with a little makeups help
Ego starting to melt in my mirror of self

When we give up
What are we giving up
On & on without righting our wrongs

Talking to someone and that's me
In a place of unease
Feeling trapped in a bad dream
But everyday its on stream
Truman show
Invite only
You see yourself and your phony

When it feels like, close friends hating
Just like when your loved ones are so persuaded.
Only when Im betrayed by these traitors
Ending as a soldier getting faded

I only want for you to thrive
When really I think youre my only right
While you strive to understand, I am working hard, but I could never be your brand and become disbarred
I hope you understand on this day
Even though we cant align in ways
While its all upside down some days
But we cant propagate what we dont create

We are, we really are headed for hell
Whether its a fiery pit or a prison cell
We are not free, we will mot lead
We will wake up failing, incontinent, and weak
Unable to change a thing
Angry and deranged, restrained and detained.
Mismanaged and feeling plagued
In disdain, major pain
Meanwhile we refrain from doing anything about it
We sit back, **** it in and remain in a cage
We are tainted at point black period,
We are jaded from feeling inferior natured,
We are unique, geniuses
with mars, penises
******, venuses
Universal Uranus anuses
Hated, degretated, segregated, underrated.
Cursed with little patience

Greener grasses, next to overpasses
Culvusacs, with gardens lushushly captive
***** nails from working class, riches of a hopeless ***
Dedicated to so much, trying hard to keep in touch
Yet impulsed with tendencies to undercut
Moving fast, but in a rut

Striving on to better futures
Giving yourselves to bluer waters
Native humans, disguised as intruders
Sinking into sewage manure

Greener grasses, next to overpasses
Culvusacs, with gardens lushushly captive
***** nails from working class, riches of a hopeless ***
Dedicated to so much, trying hard to keep in touch
Yet impulsed with tendencies to undercut

Slamming doors & screaming cries, as we arise
Uncertain with feelings that we subside
Intentions from intuitions,  of our dislikes and false ambition

Home is where the dead live
Home is where parts of ourselves are predesposed to be robotic.
So intune as our hearts are
Finding ourselves entombed
Getting acquainted with our faults
Though no one perfect in all actuality
Maybe finding solice in our good will practices
The effect of our malpractices
Intending to patiently ration impatiently painless
Before we face the maintenance

Im good now
Needent wait for later
Contently sound
With no runaround

Unsatifaction with yourself
Non sensible with lifes wo's
Blame society-  I suppose
The truth, deep down, now exposed

Im good now
Needn't wait for later
Contently sound with no runaround

Fingers point
They decide
Whether you are wrong or right
Filling holes with compromise
Meanwhile they are living lies

Im good now
Why wait for later
Contently sound with no runaround

Laughing, when most cry
Basic emotions, dissary
Knowing we should empathize
Moving fast and losing time

Not in sight
not by day
Nor by night
Sinking ships
Sunlight figures
Turn grey and figureless
Lost in space
Lost in time
No rythym
Nor rhyme
Words lose meaning
Truth stinging
Emotions bleeding
Pooling into misunderstanding
Trying to piece it together straining
Looking down upon sanity
Blasphemous in my vanity
Double standards
Life's dander
Dont mean to banter
In a mental decanter
I recount my misdeeds
Still planting bad seeds
Untruths turn to lies
In a world of black flies

facing the mirror; thoughtlessly vacant
absent;
inertia;
insanity replaces;
long fake-- smiles;
endless days--going unnoticed;
dark humor--emotional entrails;
sincerity impailed--thereof the wronged;
thereof the ailed--ill willed motivations;
hidden in coffins--nailed deeply buried;
alive within--appearing dead;
demonstrations of goodwill--hunt to ****;
provoked to disarm--dissolving into darkness;
enamored with the acceptance of emptiness;
the welcoming of impertinance;
the failure of humanity--the reflection displayed.

Misunderstood faces.
Mental memory digraces
Misplaced & unintergrated
Hated yet elated
Ugly & overrated
Stupid & insulated
Cheap and propagated
Simply situated
Twisted in the eighties
Straight perpetuated
Hurt, cursed & jaded
Deadly double plated

Where did "all ears" go?
Whereabouts did all my friends go?
Where does anything even go?
  
I guess I pushed them all away
Suppose I closed my ears too tight
I thought I really saw the light
Thinking only I was right
Feeling like it's figured out
Things I know nothing about

Where did "all ears" go?
Whereabouts did all my friends go?
Where does anything even go?

They tell me Im a bit intense
My personality may need a rinse
My emotions might need a fence
Passion probably too intense
Eccentric like a peppermint

Where did "all ears" go?
Whereabouts did all my friends go?
Where does anything even go?

Seems like you cant catch a break
Swimming through life figuring out your place
Looking for signs or ears that's listening
While we all mindlessly stare into the distance

When age is receding, life impeding
Patience retreating, intentions no longer misleading
Looking for meaning, memories bleeding pain retreating, past life seeing

I hear you, but can you listen to me?
What I feel like
When you pessimisticly speak

I know you and your tendencies
The ugly face of obscurities
I hate you and you hate me
Your negativity is security to me

I hear you but can you listen to me?
What I feel like
when you pessimisticly speak

I can find you in a pool of insecurities
Swimming around with all your tomfoolery
amongst your circle of uncertainty
In your pattern of self-urgency

We arent infallible
We are incalculable, invalid
We are unavailable, expansive
We arent tangible, mental manic pools
Swirls of introverted/extroverted fools

Feeling so pushed, with self worth in anguish
Married to a man so impulsive and blatant
Coming home to a whole list of anguish
While my opinion is chastised aggravated
Start my day with manipulation
Ending with figure eighting
When you know he could have chosen anyone, but here you are and it seems you're the only one. While you're sitting here wasting time, We try not to waste it.

Feeling flooding
choice words repressed
The repercussions of an empty nest
Banaged wounds rip their way open
The last glass of happiness dripped away in an instant
The past stripped away in the blink of a moment
A love so strong can be so easily broken
Sweet memories from a pasts churned token
Emotions bleed and become spoken
A pain as deep as a bone that broken
A heart so torn
A dreadful feeling of wishing you weren't born