Once upon a time
I carried a corkscrew in my teeth
and tiny feathers leaked out
every time I whispered.
I wonder where the time goes
when you’re not cleaning out the shower drain;
all my hair collects in my pocketbook.
The barista asks for change
and all I can produce is pen caps
and an expired ****** I found in your glove box.
An ocean stands on two feet before me,
all this leather in my hands,
but I’m pierced by the clockhands
I saw in the lines around your mouth.
Tiny feathers leaking out.

My mother once told me
that all babies are born twice
and once you get old enough
they come and place diamonds in your ear
to miscalibrate your steps
     you learn how to crawl
     right around the time
     you forget how to dream

a watched *** never boils,
shine red letters, “9:09”
a watched wrist will not cut itself
this wristwatch won’t keep time

my pockets they are full of sand
i think i need a drink
but the bottles are all filled with ships
the salt is full of sink

the kitchen drawers are filled with clothes
the bedroom tile’s stained
theire’s bodies lying in the tub
i flushed it down the drain

“it hurts, it hurts!” i cry out
through the painting on the bed
the pink and blue’s a vivid grey
that noose i made from thread

“BATTY, BATTY, LITTLE ONE”
a psychic claiming womb
“we lies, we lies” he hollers back
a whisper, shoebox tomb

when tap run dry tap tap a vein
i wait ‘fore you(r) reply
the alphabet’s your master now
subvide by multiply

my my my you’re growing
every new voice looks the same
each set of eye’s thats staring back
deferent different game

the early bird just passed we
floating downward wrinkled skin
worm slither in your fat cells
to your wheels on broken rim

we’ve eaten all my vegetables
i’m eating all that’s green
whom made you king i’m paying
there is something underseen

name starts to sound familiar
daily hourslongs each week
enough milk baby didn’t drink
she too loud when i speak

i cut back on the coffee
i’m not laughing, ha ha ha
one tweak, I’m boiled water
it’s 9:10, a smoking ***

Depression
is not romantic
it is not
tear drops on rusty guitar strings
accompanying a soft trembling voice
it is not
cigarette smoke from soft lips
highlighted by pale moonlight through the window
it is not
bitter black coffee in recycled paper cups
discussing how much it can compare itself to you
it is not
somber solace found in between the lines she wrote
displayed as the flower-adorned suicide note you hang in your locker
it is not
being held as you weep
your lover's soul pouring into your cold body
it is not
a gentle touch wiping away your tears
and fixing what was never broken
it is not
romantic at all
and it is not
yours
and you can not
tell me
that my depression
is a human
or any sort of noun
when you've never felt it verb
through your temples
and it is not
yours
and you can not
tell me
that there's anything
romantic
about it

Dear Mr. Bukowski,

I found what I loved the most in this world,
and I let it **** me,
destroy me,
devour me...

...now what?

A is for Almost, how much I tried
B is for Barely, how I survived

C is for Clearly I'm feeling worn thin
D is I'm Dying inside of this skin

E is for Every, the days that feel worst
F is for Fear, the unbearable curse

G is for Guttural, forth from which sorrow boasts
H is for Happy, what I long for the most

I is for how I am screaming Inside
J for how I long to feel Justified

K is for Knowing that none of it's real
L is the Love that I no longer feel

M is Misanthropic, Macabre, Morose
N is I'm Not okay, Not even close

O for the thoughts that become Obfuscated
P is for all of the People I've hated

Q is for the always unanswered Question
R, from the ones I hold dearest, Rejection

S is the Solitary Silence I Seek
T is Trying to fight when I'm weak

U, feeling Ugly, outside and in
V is the whole bottle of Vicodin

W is Working through Panic attacks
X is the whole bottle of Xanax

Y is for You, the only light that I see
Z is the Zeal for life you've brought back to me

sadness* is the tip of the iceberg
visible
while depression resides just below the surface
bobbing, in and out

but this body lingers far beneath
the tension
at the most jagged points
and I can't hold my breath very long
                                                                           ...I have asthma

in the cold night's air
you cannot cling to it for safety
your skin sticks, rips
your feet slip

you try to let go
floating in nothingness
infinite
body weak, lungs crystallized

submerged beneath the surge
I wonder to myself,

                                             ...if i could drain the ocean,
                                                           what volumes lost could raise me now?

and my only wish
is that the Titanic come crashing here
******* me down to the ocean's depths
in the wake

as she sinks

You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth
and the world at your feet
always taunting me
dauntingly
you held out the spoon
dripping in your spit
I held out my tongue
and prayed for rain
to soothe the pain
of thirst
but never tasted it

And your tongue tasted more like iron
and your touch felt like steel
and so sharp and cold
against the dry of my skin
my sin
you loved to hold
and stole
away from me
the overprotective mother
of a child you *****
and praised

You told me we'd dance
but it felt more like pulling
like swinging
like violently orbiting 'round
the sun you're too well aware you are
you are
bound to burn out before too long

bathe me, cleanse me, shave me
make me
everything you want to take me
touch me
beat me
anything
any kind of embrace will do
will you?

white smoke rolled out from betwixt parted lips, soft and pale
it rolled across the golden sand as it refracted under whispers
and the sun it billowed ‘cross, now blackened by the sea
whose waves did it invalidate with hopes and fears and dreams

Maybe rock bottom
Could become
The solid foundation
We've both been searching for.

I tried to see what it would be like
to live underwater
but it was no different than up here

everything was just as dark and blurry and confusing
and my eyes still burned
and it still hurt to breathe
and no one could hear me

the only difference
was that from down here, everyone's faces looked wet

and I couldn't hear what you were screaming

I’m stuck somewhere between your head and your heart
caught in the back of your throat
always on the back of your tongue
and I’ve marked my name and days here in my prison
in the soft tissue around me
I’m sure it will scar, at least a little
my feet are burned from your reflux
and I have lost the strength to climb, to fight
you will not swallow me or spit me out
you just keep me here pressed up against the wall
your voice moves through me, shakes me
I catch a glimpse of the back of your lips
and the memories of when you kept me there, gently, between them
overwhelm me; I long to be back there
back before you gobbled me up
and my grief upon your breath is a breath of strength for me
I’m sure it is my last

I’m stuck somewhere between your head and your heart
caught in the back of your throat
and there are two ways I can go
but I do not want to live in your head anymore
although you know I love the view from out your eyes
but it is far too lonely to live as just a thought
in the magnificent gallery that is your mind
and I am afraid that your heart will read ‘no vacancy’
or that I cannot afford the rent
or that I will grow weak inside the muscle
when it beats me down again
and I will no longer have the strength to climb back up
as I make the drop as the knife makes the plunge
down to your stomach
to be digested
alongside this morning’s coffee
and I fear the caffeine will stay in your system much longer than I will

i’m gonna let these two wheels take me far away from here
far away from this
far away from you
far away from me
ride as fast as i can as my soul slips out from between my lips
leaving pieces of me littered along the sidewalk
next to the trash from the can
raccoons tipped over
and over
and over
and over again
you watch me go
here i go
i’m going
i promise
i’m leaving
just as soon as i gather up the courage
to break off my wings
and fall over
and over
and over
and over again
in the constant never-ending somersault
of neck breaking freedom
i’ll ride right out in front of the car
that carried me far away from safety and comfort
and lose my blood on the cement
i’m sorry i stained the ground
there’s a hose on the side of the house
but i don’t know if it will reach this far

is nothing more
than learning to play
a new instrument

Clear off the bed
and come lie next to me
or lie with me
or crawl under these sheets
and die with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clear out your mind
and sink down low with me
or get high with me
or hold my hand
and lose some time with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clean up your act
and fall apart with me
or fall, apart from me
or fall, a part of me
and take some time to cry with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clean out your car
and run away with me
or run to me
or put it in reverse
and go back to the start with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Cleanse your spirit
and embrace this pain with me
or brace for pain with me
or take a moment to put me back together
and just be with me, with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could still get used to this

On the right side of the steering wheel
and then
on the wrong side of the road
didn't see it coming
too fast
I'm too slow
flashed before my eyes
my life
is gone

Waiting for the lonely call
just to hear them say
D.O.A.
one last tear will fall
for you
my all

I fall

On the wrong side of the gun
and I hear you say my name
all the memories remain
now stained
see you guide me back
through all
the pain
just to have you go and
****
me
again

Waiting for the lonely call
just to hear them say
D.O.A.
one last tear will fall
for you
my all

I fall
through the mist
into shadow
fall
throughout time
to below
fall
through the hurt
just to have you go
leave me with myself here on my own
no one I can trust here but my own
can't seem to hold on now, hold my own

Waiting for the lonely call
just to hear them say
D.O.A.
one last tear will fall
for you
my all

I fall

When Everything feels bad...
                                                      
          ...Nothing feels good...
                    
                                  *Nothing feels good.

i pray for nothing more
than for you to drain this heart
of every last drop
to drain me
of every last drop
leave me dry
leave me hollow
leave me numb
i beg you
kiss me softly
and steal away this breath
leave me cold
and still
bury me deep beneath the earth
beneath the dirt
under your fingernails

I love
I hate
I give
I take
I need
I want
I plan
I plot
I will
I won't
I have
I don't
I'm gone
I'm here
I'm mean
I fear
I'm warm
I'm cold
I'm meek
I'm bold
I kiss
I lick
I push
I kick
I hurt
I heal
I'm fake
I'm real
I love
I hate
You were
You're late

The hardest thing I've ever done
is try to convince myself you're not the one
while we continue to go on as friends
knowing we'll never have what we once did, again.

There's a hole in my chest where your soul used to be
One day he decided he'd rather be free
I begged and I pleaded but he just couldn't see
Then he floated away, screaming "please rescue me"

There's a hole in my chest where your soul used to be
But my ribs held no comfort, unfortunately
As he drifted away while I flew toward the sea
I cried out, "I'm sorry," and hoped he believed.

My love for you is the universe loving itself

I remove all human qualities and emotions

All thoughts and feelings

And I am left with infinite energy and love

and I give it to myself and I give it to you

hoping that one day it will return to me

in whatever way I need it

exactly when I need it

for my faith in these beliefs

is thought that becomes feeling

which I know is pure and eternal and perfect.

everything is as it should be.

if I wasn't on beer three
you know I'd write something pretty,
and dark, and sad, like you and me,
'bout how "The One" is no longer thee

how lucky am I
to have loved so deeply
that in losing it
I lost myself

how lucky am I
to have felt lies so truly
that I believed
I found myself

there's a sound at the base of my skull today
it goes beekbeekbeek
and then my shoulder goes numb
with fingers tapping out a rhythm I can't control
or decide
if i am
as they crawl up my arm and across my chest
poking away at my cheeks
digging around inside
pulling out teeth
memorizing

there’s a sound at the base of my skull today
it goes beekbeekbeek
and then my shoulder goes numb
with fingers tapping out a rhythm I can’t control
or decide
if i am
as they crawl up my arm and across my chest
poking away at my cheeks
digging around inside
pulling out teeth
memorizing

there’s a little piece of string
that sticks out of my skin
at the base of my skull
just behind my ear

sometimes it itches
and once i start scratching
i just can’t stop

i pick and i dig
and before i know it
my fingernails are stained

sometimes it gets tangled in my hair
and i have to pull out the knots
but once i start pulling
i just can’t stop

i wrap it around my fingers
perfect rings around each knuckle
and slide it out
nice and smooth

slow at first
and harder now
and faster even still
i just can’t get enough of how it feels

a ****** tangled ball of yarn
unraveled mind
an empty bed

my darling
you have
the most beautiful eyes

how i’d love
to pluck them
from out your fairest skull

and swallow them whole
so you can see
my inner demons

and i can taste
your tears
inside of me

i feel myself going numb again, and it's nice, and it's scary.

i just wish you'd come rescue me,

but i know i'm on my own.

besides, even if you wanted to, you'd probably be too late.

you are the ugly sweater of this city
someone loved you once
back when you were new and sincere
and you got all stretched and worn
tossed in a box
donated
like your plasma
and you didn’t drink enough water
to ward off the pain
of how now the only love you can find
is in irony

and she calls you an ugly sweater

Once upon an ageless time
There were no words, nothing to rhyme
No meaning, tongue and teeth, I find
That little changes e’er with time

walls of thick darkness don't react, fading in around me
my chest is hungry for the venom, the only soothing
i can find behind your teeth, soft clouds break in two
rain falls, suspended in the empty space of the room

if it’s too hard to say it
then show me
but if you don’t mean it
don’t whisper it in my ear
hidden between your breaths
rhythmic and in time
as your body lies to me

i fear
that you have become
my favorite song
i know your words by now
i know the chords
and i can sing along
i’ve even begun to harmonize
and i can hear you everywhere i go
i’ve learned your shape
your phasing
your balance
i hum you softly in a crowd
i scream you loudly in my car
you are always in my lungs
on my lips
in my ear
and my fingers can find you
on any surface
brilliant enough to resonate
something slightly resembling your pattern
i replay you
over and over again
i fear i will grow immune
to the masterpiece you are
the score all too familiar
so i will force myself to stop
i will indulge myself in silence
in books
in statues
in television screens
but i know you still exist
you always will
and i will still recall you well enough
to play along one more time
despite the sour notes i’ll hit
and you will fade from my memory slowly
but i will always
always
remember the hook
the swell
and the nostalgia of the first time i heard you
will overwhelm me
and sustain me

but i fear more
that you will believe
that you will always be that song
never changing
collecting dust
a fading memory
the soundtrack to recollection
but you are
a new record
each song
each lyric
each symphonic incident
every time
you are released

I am tired
of being tired
because I do not sleep
instead I lay
or is it lie
counting these ******* sheep
inside my head
and feeling dead
because in my head I keep
every thought
I’m sure I bought
within me, dark and deep

I’m ******* sick
of being sick
because I am too weak
to just admit
I’m tired of it
this constant losing streak
of all these years
and all these fears
have left me feeling bleak

I haven’t lived
I have not lived
a single ******* day
I hate my brain
I want this pain
to ******* go away

These words can’t show
what I can’t show
but I’m already dead

there is a blank email
addressed to you
sitting in my drafts folder
that has been there since my birthday

and in the empty spaces
are all the words i could never tell you
because they do not exist

but you exist
in a chaotic world

and i hope someday i know you

your eyes do not work
they don’t see clear, they are not blue
your skin is not clear
it is not soft, it is not tan
your hair is not soft
it is not straight, it is not blonde
your teeth are not straight
they are not clean, they are not white
your clothes are not clean
they do not fit, color’s faded

you do not fit
and I would never
break
a single part
of you
to shape you to that mould

I'm sorry I cannot write tonight
My muse was but a wet match
Struck against the box until the tip broke off
And I hoped it was my neck

There's no light in my head tonight
Nothing to inspire me
I've tried to drag myself down lower
But numb was all I found

Goodnight.

so many things I want to say

but the words just play over and over again behind my lips

and they bubble and foam at the corners of my mouth

until they spill down my chin

and I wipe them away with the sleeve of my jacket

where they dry up amongst the novels

that are carried out to sea

with the suds from the washing machine.

of course it does

why wouldn’t it?

you think i don’t know?

or was that untrue?

was that why i couldn’t?

was that why you wouldn’t?

because of that?

but why then?

you know i’m insecure

would it bother you?

it might

why wouldn’t it?

i hope i’m wrong

but i fear

everything, you know

and especially that

do you know?

do you feel it?

am i wrong?

should i stop?

will i hurt?

will this?

what even is this?

is it?

could it?

do you want that?

maybe not now but sometime

but i think you know

what i think

but do you?

do i, even?

do you still?

is that?

is she?

am i?

are you?

are we

we?

us?

anything at all

do you understand?

I beg the lord you do

and I don’t believe in him anymore.

I am tired of living in fear
Fear that you will not like me
Fear that you will stop liking me
Fear that you will not love me
Fear that you will stop loving me
Fear that you will not want me
Fear that you will stop wanting me
Fear that you will not be with me
Fear that you will leave me
Fear that I will accidentally hurt your feelings
Fear that I will show a side of me you won't like
Fear that you will hurt yourself
Fear that you will love her instead
Fear that you will no longer be my friend
Fear that you never loved me
Fear that you lied to me
Fear that you were never really mine
Fear that you never thought I was yours
Fear that I am doing the wrong thing, no matter what it is
Fear that you loved me and I ruined it
Fear that you didn't but could have
Fear that you didn't and I made more of it in my head than it was
Fear that I gave you all of my heart, all of me, and you ran with it

I have been afraid so long to tell you how I really felt
That I loved you more than I have ever loved before
and I am afraid that if I would have told you sooner things would be okay
and I'm afraid that if we would have never left together things would be okay
and I'm afraid that even if everything happened differently things would be the same as they are now

And now I'm afraid to tell you how much you hurt me
and how I feel lied to, used, abandoned, and confused
how much I want to hate you, but can't, and how unfair I think you were
and how much you are killing me now
I'm afraid

I'm always afraid

I'm tired of being afraid.
I'm tired of fear.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.

And I'm absolutely mad.
And I'm absolutely dead.

I burned my fingers
thinking about when we met
and your nitrogen

The meaning of time
A black box of secret snakes
Biting into clouds

I pick the most beautiful flowers

from the side of the highway

it’s illegal, you know

and I spend hours arranging them into a bouquet

making sure the heights and colors go well together

and when I’m sure it’s perfect

I realize that I am hungry

a new kind of hungry

starving

and the tears that stream down my face

the gagging and stomach cramps

can’t stop me

from devouring each and every flower

and I’m so embarrassed

because I know you can smell them on my breath

no matter how much gum I chew

"Super...just...
   Unbelievably well.
      I've never been better. Honestly, I
        Can't recall the last time
           I felt this
             **** good. I'm happy to be
                Alive and I
                   Love you."

everyday feels like dreaming
I scream but I can't wake up
and the feeling of falling won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

everyday feels like repeating
I feel less and less each time
and the swimming, the spinning won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

every day feels like drowning
I gasp with every breath
and the constant corrosion won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

everyday feels like dying
I cry but the tears never flow
and the beating and breaking won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore