On the right side of the steering wheel
and then
on the wrong side of the road
didn't see it coming
too fast
I'm too slow
flashed before my eyes
my life
is gone

Waiting for the lonely call
just to hear them say
D.O.A.
one last tear will fall
for you
my all

I fall

On the wrong side of the gun
and I hear you say my name
all the memories remain
now stained
see you guide me back
through all
the pain
just to have you go and
****
me
again

Waiting for the lonely call
just to hear them say
D.O.A.
one last tear will fall
for you
my all

I fall
through the mist
into shadow
fall
throughout time
to below
fall
through the hurt
just to have you go
leave me with myself here on my own
no one I can trust here but my own
can't seem to hold on now, hold my own

Waiting for the lonely call
just to hear them say
D.O.A.
one last tear will fall
for you
my all

I fall

i want to sleep
deeply, soundly
curled up tightly
warm and peaceful
comfortable and quiet
wrapped up in sheets
of paper
covered with your words

i fear
that you have become
my favorite song
i know your words by now
i know the chords
and i can sing along
i’ve even begun to harmonize
and i can hear you everywhere i go
i’ve learned your shape
your phasing
your balance
i hum you softly in a crowd
i scream you loudly in my car
you are always in my lungs
on my lips
in my ear
and my fingers can find you
on any surface
brilliant enough to resonate
something slightly resembling your pattern
i replay you
over and over again
i fear i will grow immune
to the masterpiece you are
the score all too familiar
so i will force myself to stop
i will indulge myself in silence
in books
in statues
in television screens
but i know you still exist
you always will
and i will still recall you well enough
to play along one more time
despite the sour notes i’ll hit
and you will fade from my memory slowly
but i will always
always
remember the hook
the swell
and the nostalgia of the first time i heard you
will overwhelm me
and sustain me

but i fear more
that you will believe
that you will always be that song
never changing
collecting dust
a fading memory
the soundtrack to recollection
but you are
a new record
each song
each lyric
each symphonic incident
every time
you are released

i am thankful
for the breaking of hearts
and of bones
and of brittle hair
and of children's toys
and of  mother's fine china
and of vinyl
and of collectable vinyl
and of glasses
and of fingernails
and of trinkets
and of one-of-a-kinds
and of water mains
and of sewer lines
and of violin strings
and of twigs under your shoes
and of thin ice
and most of all, of mind

for if they did not break
then we would never know
that they were so unique and special
when they still were whole

and when i smell you in my clothes
for days after
like the burn of black coffee
when my arms retrace yours
and when i taste you on my teeth
for days after
like the sour of nicotine
when my tongue retraces yours
and when i feel you on my skin
for days after
like the strumming of strings
when my fingertips retrace yours
and when i hear you in my ear
for days after
like the setting of the sun
when my words retrace yours
and when i see you in my dreams
for days after
like the ghost of memory
when my thoughts retrace yours

that is when i begin to worry
that i no longer worry

your eyes do not work
they don’t see clear, they are not blue
your skin is not clear
it is not soft, it is not tan
your hair is not soft
it is not straight, it is not blonde
your teeth are not straight
they are not clean, they are not white
your clothes are not clean
they do not fit, color’s faded

you do not fit
and I would never
break
a single part
of you
to shape you to that mould

white smoke rolled out from betwixt parted lips, soft and pale
it rolled across the golden sand as it refracted under whispers
and the sun it billowed ‘cross, now blackened by the sea
whose waves did it invalidate with hopes and fears and dreams

caught in the fog of yesterday
trying to find meaning in anything I say
and when I fall apart it comes as no surprise
when you dissect the truth that's left between these lies

and you see me under the ice
barely alive but it feels nice
but you gave me this skin
and now I can't tell where you end and I begin

and you saved me but you still bring me down
you stole my face and wore it like a mask around this town
and you had me believing that I was real
but now I know that touch is something I can't feel

I was young when first I fell in love with a close friend
My lips upon his icy neck did down mine shivers send
And, “Al,” I said, “I think I’ll hold you with me ‘til the end”

I was still in High School when I fell in love with Vic
His kisses tasted bitter and his presence made me sick
But it was just as well because he finished far too quick

In and out of consciousness and clarity I wept
But this time Mary my hand held and all my secrets kept
Her breath inside my lungs for the first time in months I slept

And I would think your kisses are the sweetest yet by far
Your poison leaves me shaking in the backseat of the car
I overdose on anecdotes while your lungs fill with tar

The antidote lies dormant in the strain of death you are

Kiss me again and
I will breathe this time
Letting all of your
Life pour into
My soul and
Erase my own

everyday feels like dreaming
I scream but I can't wake up
and the feeling of falling won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

everyday feels like repeating
I feel less and less each time
and the swimming, the spinning won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

every day feels like drowning
I gasp with every breath
and the constant corrosion won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

everyday feels like dying
I cry but the tears never flow
and the beating and breaking won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore

there is a blank email
addressed to you
sitting in my drafts folder
that has been there since my birthday

and in the empty spaces
are all the words i could never tell you
because they do not exist

but you exist
in a chaotic world

and i hope someday i know you

Like words lost,
really gone,
knew death,
sweet,
waiting

i’m gonna let these two wheels take me far away from here
far away from this
far away from you
far away from me
ride as fast as i can as my soul slips out from between my lips
leaving pieces of me littered along the sidewalk
next to the trash from the can
raccoons tipped over
and over
and over
and over again
you watch me go
here i go
i’m going
i promise
i’m leaving
just as soon as i gather up the courage
to break off my wings
and fall over
and over
and over
and over again
in the constant never-ending somersault
of neck breaking freedom
i’ll ride right out in front of the car
that carried me far away from safety and comfort
and lose my blood on the cement
i’m sorry i stained the ground
there’s a hose on the side of the house
but i don’t know if it will reach this far

of course it does

why wouldn’t it?

you think i don’t know?

or was that untrue?

was that why i couldn’t?

was that why you wouldn’t?

because of that?

but why then?

you know i’m insecure

would it bother you?

it might

why wouldn’t it?

i hope i’m wrong

but i fear

everything, you know

and especially that

do you know?

do you feel it?

am i wrong?

should i stop?

will i hurt?

will this?

what even is this?

is it?

could it?

do you want that?

maybe not now but sometime

but i think you know

what i think

but do you?

do i, even?

do you still?

is that?

is she?

am i?

are you?

are we

we?

us?

anything at all

do you understand?

I beg the lord you do

and I don’t believe in him anymore.

I am tired
of being tired
because I do not sleep
instead I lay
or is it lie
counting these ******* sheep
inside my head
and feeling dead
because in my head I keep
every thought
I’m sure I bought
within me, dark and deep

I’m ******* sick
of being sick
because I am too weak
to just admit
I’m tired of it
this constant losing streak
of all these years
and all these fears
have left me feeling bleak

I haven’t lived
I have not lived
a single ******* day
I hate my brain
I want this pain
to ******* go away

These words can’t show
what I can’t show
but I’m already dead

You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth
and the world at your feet
always taunting me
dauntingly
you held out the spoon
dripping in your spit
I held out my tongue
and prayed for rain
to soothe the pain
of thirst
but never tasted it

And your tongue tasted more like iron
and your touch felt like steel
and so sharp and cold
against the dry of my skin
my sin
you loved to hold
and stole
away from me
the overprotective mother
of a child you *****
and praised

You told me we'd dance
but it felt more like pulling
like swinging
like violently orbiting 'round
the sun you're too well aware you are
you are
bound to burn out before too long

bathe me, cleanse me, shave me
make me
everything you want to take me
touch me
beat me
anything
any kind of embrace will do
will you?

Clear off the bed
and come lie next to me
or lie with me
or crawl under these sheets
and die with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clear out your mind
and sink down low with me
or get high with me
or hold my hand
and lose some time with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clean up your act
and fall apart with me
or fall, apart from me
or fall, a part of me
and take some time to cry with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clean out your car
and run away with me
or run to me
or put it in reverse
and go back to the start with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Cleanse your spirit
and embrace this pain with me
or brace for pain with me
or take a moment to put me back together
and just be with me, with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could still get used to this

"That felt like forever,"
and I meant it
as the sound broke through the noise
of the Saturday morning experience
I was having
and enjoying

I caught your eyes
and you hid from my blurry face
behind the thin flesh
as the phosphenes flickered blue and red and yellow
like my father's old television
that clicked loudly when I'd turn the dial

I buried my burning face
In the soft fabric
that's been through the wash one too many times
and I smelled fresh ink
in the sensation of mallets
colliding with my temples

You wrapped all of you
around all of me
and I felt the crude, harsh lines of your figure
against the curves of my hatred
I held my breath
and released my soul

The building collapsed around us
and in the debris I found photographs
of a face I only vaguely remember
and that old broken heirloom
that I still keep around
even though I know it's not worth anything

But for that one second
when my body and spirit connected
and my consciousness slipped away as I fell into a new dissociation
I woke up and understood
that we were existing only for this
and it felt like forever

I tried to see what it would be like
to live underwater
but it was no different than up here

everything was just as dark and blurry and confusing
and my eyes still burned
and it still hurt to breathe
and no one could hear me

the only difference
was that from down here, everyone's faces looked wet

and I couldn't hear what you were screaming

I pick the most beautiful flowers

from the side of the highway

it’s illegal, you know

and I spend hours arranging them into a bouquet

making sure the heights and colors go well together

and when I’m sure it’s perfect

I realize that I am hungry

a new kind of hungry

starving

and the tears that stream down my face

the gagging and stomach cramps

can’t stop me

from devouring each and every flower

and I’m so embarrassed

because I know you can smell them on my breath

no matter how much gum I chew

Use me up
Break me down
Tear the soul
From my body out
Lay me down
Lay me down
In the grave
You hollowed out

Turn it up
Drown me out
Close this door
Shut me down
Burn my soul
Burn it all
To the ground
To the ground

Wake me up
Wake me up
To the sound
Of my way out
Of this dream
Laid to rest
In the grave
Your hollow chest

A is for Almost, how much I tried
B is for Barely, how I survived

C is for Clearly I'm feeling worn thin
D is I'm Dying inside of this skin

E is for Every, the days that feel worst
F is for Fear, the unbearable curse

G is for Guttural, forth from which sorrow boasts
H is for Happy, what I long for the most

I is for how I am screaming Inside
J for how I long to feel Justified

K is for Knowing that none of it's real
L is the Love that I no longer feel

M is Misanthropic, Macabre, Morose
N is I'm Not okay, Not even close

O for the thoughts that become Obfuscated
P is for all of the People I've hated

Q is for the always unanswered Question
R, from the ones I hold dearest, Rejection

S is the Solitary Silence I Seek
T is Trying to fight when I'm weak

U, feeling Ugly, outside and in
V is the whole bottle of Vicodin

W is Working through Panic attacks
X is the whole bottle of Xanax

Y is for You, the only light that I see
Z is the Zeal for life you've brought back to me

so many things I want to say

but the words just play over and over again behind my lips

and they bubble and foam at the corners of my mouth

until they spill down my chin

and I wipe them away with the sleeve of my jacket

where they dry up amongst the novels

that are carried out to sea

with the suds from the washing machine.

you are the moon
cold and distant
i cannot touch you
i cannot get close
but you shine in the darkness
illuminating these streets for me
and when i look up to you
and i do
i can see your shaded face looking back
aesthetic in asymmetry
through this two-paned glass
you are so beautiful
how i wish i could hold you
keep you safe in the palms of my hands
reach through the window and pluck you from the sky
lo, i watch you from down here
from afar
and i feel your gravity
i feel you pull me in
the waves crash over me
i feel the tide as it swells in my chest
and you steal away my breath

you are the moon
i watch you
your many phases
and i fear i am but one of them