I tried to see what it would be like
to live underwater
but it was no different than up here

everything was just as dark and blurry and confusing
and my eyes still burned
and it still hurt to breathe
and no one could hear me

the only difference
was that from down here, everyone's faces looked wet

and I couldn't hear what you were screaming

I pick the most beautiful flowers

from the side of the highway

it’s illegal, you know

and I spend hours arranging them into a bouquet

making sure the heights and colors go well together

and when I’m sure it’s perfect

I realize that I am hungry

a new kind of hungry

starving

and the tears that stream down my face

the gagging and stomach cramps

can’t stop me

from devouring each and every flower

and I’m so embarrassed

because I know you can smell them on my breath

no matter how much gum I chew

Use me up
Break me down
Tear the soul
From my body out
Lay me down
Lay me down
In the grave
You hollowed out

Turn it up
Drown me out
Close this door
Shut me down
Burn my soul
Burn it all
To the ground
To the ground

Wake me up
Wake me up
To the sound
Of my way out
Of this dream
Laid to rest
In the grave
Your hollow chest

A is for Almost, how much I tried
B is for Barely, how I survived

C is for Clearly I'm feeling worn thin
D is I'm Dying inside of this skin

E is for Every, the days that feel worst
F is for Fear, the unbearable curse

G is for Guttural, forth from which sorrow boasts
H is for Happy, what I long for the most

I is for how I am screaming Inside
J for how I long to feel Justified

K is for Knowing that none of it's real
L is the Love that I no longer feel

M is Misanthropic, Macabre, Morose
N is I'm Not okay, Not even close

O for the thoughts that become Obfuscated
P is for all of the People I've hated

Q is for the always unanswered Question
R, from the ones I hold dearest, Rejection

S is the Solitary Silence I Seek
T is Trying to fight when I'm weak

U, feeling Ugly, outside and in
V is the whole bottle of Vicodin

W is Working through Panic attacks
X is the whole bottle of Xanax

Y is for You, the only light that I see
Z is the Zeal for life you've brought back to me

so many things I want to say

but the words just play over and over again behind my lips

and they bubble and foam at the corners of my mouth

until they spill down my chin

and I wipe them away with the sleeve of my jacket

where they dry up amongst the novels

that are carried out to sea

with the suds from the washing machine.

you are the moon
cold and distant
i cannot touch you
i cannot get close
but you shine in the darkness
illuminating these streets for me
and when i look up to you
and i do
i can see your shaded face looking back
aesthetic in asymmetry
through this two-paned glass
you are so beautiful
how i wish i could hold you
keep you safe in the palms of my hands
reach through the window and pluck you from the sky
lo, i watch you from down here
from afar
and i feel your gravity
i feel you pull me in
the waves crash over me
i feel the tide as it swells in my chest
and you steal away my breath

you are the moon
i watch you
your many phases
and i fear i am but one of them