Last night was said to be the coldest nights where i live.
we always hope there will be magic on new years eve, and expect clean slates when the clock chimes twelve.
but we will never get that new beginning.
Most of the time cold nostalgia will wrap around us like a shawl that not only keeps us warm, but burns our bodies with their heart.
New years are for more promises.
so im going to promise myself
that ill be better.
it'll be better.
i deserve better.
everything will get better.
take a breath, and focus on those promises j.
12/10/12.

i think thats why i became so ugly,
i was bitter.
because i gave everyone all the good in me
and they took it
and ran with it...
and just left me....
left the bad in me
and that over took me.
it swallowed me whole.

but i have no one to blame, but myself.
the ones who've hurt me,
took a piece of me,
they did.
*but i let them.

I hate myself.

you were such a lovely boy,
good heart, and good intentions
and im sorry i destroyed that.
i am soooooo sorry i destroyed that
no words can amount up to how sorry i truly am.

you did not deserve the treatment i was giving you
and you do not deserve the broken heart you have now.

i watch you from time to time
to see the gray in your skin, and the pout in your lips
and to think,
thats what i did.
but i warned you
i warned you that i was not okay
and you insisted.
you tried to mend my broken heart
while i slowly sliced yours apart
and you hated jonnie for what he did to me
so should i hate myself for what i did to you?

dont answer that

because i already did.

i see everyone else, and i feel like im missing out on this thing in life...
and i don't know what it is, its this feeling, nostalgia almost.
and everyones laughing, cause i dont have it.
*im starving to be happy

my brain is sick

each part, each lobe

decomposing

day by day

my core is infected

with a disease that spreads

rapidly

entwining with the matter

growing like weeds amongst my positive thoughts

this sickness destroys my confidence

my ambitions.

my motivations.

my will.

my dreams are invaded, my spirit is weak

this sickness is rotting me from the core.

I havent stopped saying your name,
Its always patiently waiting on the edge of my lips
and it stings most nights
when i lay under my pillow
trying to find a way to fish you back out of it.
your name reminds me of the bites on my neck
although these dont feel as good
and my duvet still smells like you
that versaace scent.
i havent moved a single thing in my room since the day you left
my window is still wide open
its about 40 degrees out.
i think i forgot the feeling of warmth
something you always brought to me.
your clothes are still on my bed
i always wonder if you want them back

you were never part of my plan
you werent meant to come into my life
yet you still managed to shatter my heart.