I am angry.
Very angry.
And I don't even know Why but

Reading everything
Absorbing everything
Feeling everything

I feel extremely mad.
I feel the need to put a hole in the wall.
I feel the need to bang my head so hard it splits up
Nicely in the center.
I feel the urge to tear up the room.

I'm angry. Very angry.

**** it, I don't want to be destructive again.
I can't afford to be.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

I can't be bad again.

I've trapped myself in a cage,
A prison by my own hands
And don't worry, it is free will,
The bars are just like strands.
The metal replaced by rubber
But definitely made opaque,
That part's really important:
It hides all that is fake.
I've wrapped myself up tight
In these beautiful illusions
But hope is just a mirage, you see,
And you just a delusion.

In my heart I have a secret wish,
But it's not for me, it's for you.

That one day you'd finally find a man who'd
Protect you with all of his heart and all of his soul.
A man that would swear never to leave you,
A man that would be willing to die for you,
A man that would love you with all of his heart and
Heal that little hole of yours, bringing you
True happiness.

I hope you find a man that would love you
As much as I do, and that you'd be
Really really

Happy.

Sometimes I wonder if you'd notice
If I was gone.

Honestly at this point of time,
I just have two words:

*******.

Who will protect the protectors?
The ones in the front and in the back,
The ones who risk their lives every day just to
Keep you safe and make sure that you're okay
And so they give up everything they have:
Their lives, their time, heart, energy...
Everything.

Who will defend the defenders?
The ones who build up walls so tall to
Make sure nothing would ever harm you but
In the process, they've completely
Exposed themselves to the elements,
Yet, in a way, have trapped themselves in.

Who will save the saviors?
The ones who've already rescued thousands
But still believe they have the responsibility to
Save another hundred million from
Whatever is coming their way until they
Unfortunately, tire themselves out too much.


But still, they keep
Pushing,
Pressing on,
Persevering till the very end to

Protect the ones they love.

Who will guard the angels when the war wages on?
Who will love them, stay by their side
Till the very end?

Just like they did.

You threatened to smash my head against the car window.
You should have smashed
Harder.

We're both tired, aren't we?
Me of lying and
You

Of only knowing I'm lying.

What's the point of
Living if even
The ones who said they loved you
Hate you?
The ones who said they believed in you
Have deserted you?
And
The ones who said they wanted to
**** you
Are *******

*Everywhere?

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Staring at the ceiling while my mind races,
Thoughts in my head constantly ringing your name
Whether you're okay, whether you're alive,
Whether you still maybe hopefully remember me.

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Tugging at the blankets while my tears flow
Because maybe I had another flashback or
Because my creative mind thought of another nightmare where you die
Over and over and over again.
I am gripped with fear and my breathing quickens again.
I worry constantly about you.

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Tossing and turning because I
Just can't sleep.
I roll around in bed but all these thoughts fill my head.
Sometimes I wonder if you know that I care for you.
And inside,

I know you don't.

Because I never plucked up the ******* courage to
Tell you straight to your face that
I ******* care and that I really love you.
I pray every day that I don't go school and the principal says that
We need to have one minute of silence because
You died. You jumped.

You left me.

Sometimes I wonder if you forgot the promise.
That you'd leave me here all alone.
Sometimes I wonder if you still consider me your best friend.
Because you've always been mine and still are.
What matters is that I'm in your heart and you're in mine.
But I don't really know where I am anywhere now.

I'm sorry if you got mad that I overdosed.
I'm sorry if I added on to your burdens.
I'm sorry that I'm never there to protect you or care.
I'm sorry.

I really am.

Sometimes I rewatch Anna's video
Over and over and over again.
And I replace Anna with you:
Having to say those heartbreaking words
With tears welled up and a dying voice.

I kind of die inside.

If I was the sun, would you still love me?
We'd be a million miles apart, can you really be that glee?
If I got that close, I'd burn up all your skin,
I'd really hurt you so much, don't know where I would begin!
I cannot cannot cannot be, with you my dearest love,
Because unlike you who's helped me much,
I'd only **** this dove.

If I was a flower, would you still love me?
I'd be as mute as grass and trees, can't even speak softly!
I'd be so small and fragile, I'd die within a night,
If you had just forgotten me, I'd die without a fight.
That's how useless I am, and a little timid too,
I'm sorry but I cannot protect,
I can't protect you.

If I was the moon, would you still love me?
Or would you run and scamper away because you would fear me?
The moon, it's not your biggest fear, but I'm sure you'd run without a thought,
You wouldn't stay and love me, I'd only leave you in distraught.
I will only ever scare you, both in night and day,
But despite all that would you,
Really love me anyway?

The shadows prance across the wall
Just as if to warn us all.
As the night grows chilly dark,
Only one lights up a spark.

In the woods, there is no light
The only light gives you a fright.
As the speeding flash approaches you
You'd wish for wings, that much is true.

For there is no way to outrun wheels
Just don't wear black and don't wear heels.
For when the monster comes tonight,
Pray it sees you in it's sight.

I've gotten myself a secret chest
Full of letters that won't lie.
Stored inside would be all me,
I'd write until I die.
They'd be filled with words I never said
To you to you and you.
They're everything I ever loved,
They're everything I ever hated,
They're everything I felt


Whilst you were gone.

When I sleep in the nighttime,
Sometimes I hear voices.
I wonder every time whether they're cries from you.
They keep me awake most of the time,
But it doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is you.
I listen out for them, but
They always seem muffled and incoherent.
Then I wonder


If everyone is dying at once.

Chest tightened.
Breath held.
Flashing images.
Every time you
Mention death and
Threaten suicide.
I kind of die inside.

I see it. The vision of you r u n n i n g then
      
                                                     ­                             F

                               ­                                                          A

                                                              ­                          L

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                                                              ­                            I

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                                                              ­                        G

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                                                                ­                 - dead -