How do I know what to do ?
It's been a few weeks since you left
And they say things to me like
There's plenty of fish in the sea or
Don't think about it
But how do I tell that to myself
How do I look My reflection in the mirror and lie
I've already hurt parts of me in ways
God only can tell you
Like I've been going to church
And listening to gospel music
But no amount of holy water will make these fires we started less bitter
I tried to let you go
Finding places I could go
Just to have somewhere to call mine again
You can say I've been this way for a while now
Alone
Still it doesn't make sense as much
That ..
I've been okay with people leaving after you
Leaving things after you
Like goodbye messages
Or voicemails
I haven't stopped listening to you
It's my choice to here how silence is deadly
The same I just wanted to tell yo-
Now every time I call you
I hang up before I finish your sentence

I tried to make a poem about being happy
They tell me try something different
You sound the same
Do you know how many times I've ..
I've had that same conversation
With myself
You know what happiness is ..right ?
give them a show!
..
I write when I don't know what happiness is
Understand I know I sound the same
I've been listening to these parts of my self
All night
You don't Understand how I'd tried to stop playing the same violen
But the sound keeps me calm
Even if it gets old , go ahead
Just listen
I don't want to make you laugh
I'm sorry
But parts of me are to numb to pain
To heavy
For entertainment
I'm a one man circus
You keep coming to these shows
On days I leave myself dissapointed

I don't deserve you*
You fight for me like I'm the only blessing worth counting ..
You give your heart to parts of my soul that never believed in love

You show me how god can create more flowers ,after the rain
How not everyone deserves the floods , you rescued me from oceans I've made from different nights and different reasons

You moved so fast
I didn't notice how many puddles you were hiding
I swear I haven't stopped looking behind you since
Somedays you hate that I bring up the past ..
But I can't afford to watch you become it
I tell you about how our lifes will be in the future
For a reason ..

I'm awoke ?
But everything has been feeling like a dream lately
Or a nightmare that doesn't care if you know you're up in it
I'm greedy ,and this might be why  everything I love has little left after I'm done
I'm sorry
But even at the dinner table I haven't been using manners ,
I haven't been thanking god
But god I've been thinking alot
Why do I keep coming close to dying
My biggest fear is being recarnated
I'm afaird of death
Showing me the ropes all over
My skeleton has been hanging in the same tree as of October
I'm waiting for my backbone to grow in again
Or spine , anything
I know people who pretend they still know how to stand
People with feet that forgot how to pick there selves up
I can't become another soul lost in a world full of them
With bones so heavy gravity won't be the reason you suffocate this time

You don't have to keep saying sorry

Regrets run down along my arms
I try covering them up with
Long sleeve shirts , I've made from memory

I can't keep the past behind me,
a week ago I ran into a picture of myself , I've been wondering what my smile has felt like since
I've forgotten those things long ago
Who I use to be , maybe that's  
why I stay up late now trying to remember
But its even worse when you figure it all out
  It gets hard to sleep when you know
Who you are waking up in the morning
A couple of days ago the fireplace lit up something inside of me

Smell of smoke still lingers in the kitchen ,whenever people stop by they ask "have you been trying to set yourself on fire*"
I smile
Wonder if they know what is to become of a child who pretended the second hand smoke was fog and happy endings were over when the coughing started
I layed my happy endings in a coffin long before the lighters started showing up

You expect them to know how easy it is to burn , I want to tell them how I've made ashes of myself
How I don't know if I'm more afraid of being buried or cremated alive

But I smile
And hope it gives them something to believe in ,to remember me by
other then my first name

We only have tears here
I'm sorry I showed up a mess but god has always said
"come as you are"
I've been wearing the same shirt for the past 4 days
the last time I made my bed was 2 Sundays ago
You know ,
I misplaced the poems you put under my pillow
before you left You didn't finish the last one you wrote
a metaphor for what love can be when you're not careful with it
The consequences of not keeping consistency
You can't keep letting those flowers die that sit inside your window
Don't act like you're numb to people leaving
I'm not
but it gets easier to pretend I am ,
Tell me what's worse then staring at your own refection and seeing the bags under your eyes only remind you
This is what happens when you never learn to pack light
You get left behind
But it will never make sense to abandon yourself then blame everyone else who leaves
I keep waiting for someone to walk by
to call
And maybe it's because I miss the sound of my voice
Static plays with the music coming from the radio
I think it may be the loneliest piano I've heard
You ever wonder what hands sound like trying to find a place to call home ?
There's nothing but clear sky's here
I wish it would rain some more
The way it did when you stayed
But you left and took everything with you
Almost

I have a mouth full of words
Eating away the inside of my voice
Rotting my vocal cords
You ever wonder what silence really
Sounds like ?
Mom tells me not to talk about it
Reruns of her favorite show have  been on all morning
And the laughter of the audience
Seems as though it was made for us
To play again and again
Repeating the same deadness that has been living with us for years
We've been burying each other for a few months now and each day we learn what it feels like to be front row in a funeral
You were never really invited too
Our black clothes have been fading  since January
The paint has been chipping off the front door since September
My dad stopped by , but didn't come inside
He yelled from his truck
and you wonder why people never come through it
I guess you can say things haven't been the same since he left and took the  "welcome home Matt " with him
It was moms favorite one
She didn't have a place to hide the extra key anymore
So now she keeps the doors unlocked
Things seem safer this way
I know I can leave anytime
But I'm afraid of the mess I am
Of the excuses and sincere apologies
You only find in mailboxes
I swear I'll go one day
before
I become the same one mom started forgetting about