I never knew what death tasted like
Until my lips touched yours.

I may have loved you deeper than an ocean,
But now I’m drowning in it.

Depression hits like a warm winter day,
With a storm making a surprise guest star.
Droplets of you came floating out from the sky
And onto me.
You soaked my face with your holy water,
Covered me and shielded me from the sun.
Your rain masked out my tears,
And I guess you never noticed.
I watched you unfold right in front of my eyes,
Slowly and calculating,
Like how predators seek out their prey.
I needed something vital,
My lips were dry
And you were the quenching water,
But I could only watch your torturous waves flow out from the clouds up above,
You’re holy water sent from heaven,
A sign from God that you were something I needed,
But can’t have.

You texted me last night.
If you had done that a year or two ago,
My stomach would have been rushing with butterflies,
My heart would have stopped,
I would have lost the ability to speak,
I would have texted back in a heartbeat.
You texted me again last night,
Wondering what I was up to,
Acting as if nothing was wrong,
Acting as if it hasn’t been months since the last time we talked.
You wanted to know what I was up to,
And our conversation flowed like how it did before.
Our words floated out of our mouths like how the rain fell from the sky,
Slowly but sometimes all at once.
You wanted to know what I was up to
And we were fine until you asked me to give myself to you.
I was fine until I figured out that you only wanted me for something physical,
For an easy kiss,
A skin to touch,
A diamond to ****.
I was pure
And you wanted to destroy everything about me,
My sanctuary,
My ******* body,
You wanted to destroy my very being.
I realized then that you were an animal,
A boy,
Not a man,
Who wanted nothing but a **** in the daytime
So you can get off
And I realized then that if I had given it up,
Not only would I have given up my purity,
I would have given myself to you,
Someone so ******* vile and atrocious
And I would never have been the same.
I was the last number in your phonebook,
And you named me the side *****,
The person you would only ever call for easy ***
And for something to taint.
You forgot my name,
Forgot that I have an identity,
You only ever call me when you remember I have a body,
And even then you only use me for **** that only ever benefits you.
I’m ******* sorry you’re such an immature person
And you don’t know how to treat a woman right.
I wonder what your mother thinks of you,
How your sister looks at you,
I want to know if they see you like I do.
I used to hold you up like a trophy,
Held you up to the sky
Because I thought you were better than this,
But now I look at you in disgust
Because you’re a monster.
I don’t know what the **** I saw in you,
You were everything I wanted at the time,
Everything I needed,
But I was only ever the last number in your phonebook.
You treated me as if I was a phone number on a billboard,
Everyone forgets them until it’s needed,
But I’m not your mistress,
Your little harlot,
The person you can go to after you’ve smoked a bowl
And had crack in your system.
Don’t ******* treat me like I’m a door with an Open sign that allows everybody in,
I’m not your *****.
So text me again,
Call me if you have to.
Instead there’s going to be bile up my throat
And my heartbeat will race,
But not because I’m happy,
No, no
It will ******* race because I hate you
And I’m excited because I want to do every cruel thing I can possibly do to you,
But I’m not you,
I won’t ever be the monster that you turned out to be,
I’m just sorry you have to live with yourself.
So text me again when I’m no longer the last person on your phonebook,
But I’m not going to reply again.

P.S. I know I told you that some things are better left unsaid,
But I just need you to know a couple of things:

1. I miss you.
I miss all the little things and all the big things,
But overall I just miss all of you.
I know I made it seem like I was okay,
But I’m not
And I’m sorry I hurt you,
I never meant to,
I’m just trying my hardest to get over this bridge built above the tears that I’ve cried over
And I’m trying to mend something that I never knew needed to be mended,
But I just miss you.
I miss how you always seemed to know the right things to say at the right time
And I miss how you were always so stubborn and you always wanted to be right
And we always argued but you didn’t want to admit it.
I miss how tightly you would hold me,
As if I was going to slip from your fingertips and you just begged for me to stay longer in your arms,
I’m just sorry that I always was the one to let go sooner,
And I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to.
I miss how you would touch me at all times,
Not sexually or in any way demeaning and demanding,
But as if you just wanted to know I was still there.
You would nudge me and budge me and playfully push me,
And you would play with my face because you said my cheeks were cute,
And you would play with my hair and my scalp so much to the point where I scratch my head nowadays and hope my hand becomes your fingers
And I can sleep away my anxiety
And I know you’ll be there in the morning,
But that’s just not gonna happen anymore, is it?
I never was one for affection but I miss it
I miss how you’d rub my knees when we watched your favorite shows
And have I mentioned that I miss that too even though I never got the point of it?
We used to watch your favorite sport all the time, and I never understood it but I tried for the sake of you
I miss watching your games,
Being your number one supporter even though I never acted like it,
But I was ******* proud to be a supporter of number 21.
I hated the way you reeked like sweat after
But I miss seeing you in your natural state,
All worked up with your hair a mess and you were so laidback that way.
If I could have my sweater smell like you in your musk, I would have it and keep it any day.
I miss how you would send me your music,
And you probably dedicated them to me,
But I just acted like I didn’t know anything.
It’s just now I can’t listen to your favorite artists without thinking of you
And I just miss you, I guess.

2. If I had a list of things that I regretted,
Your name wouldn’t be on it.
I do, however, regret not being able to spend my days with you.
I wish I tried,
I know I could have but I didn’t and I’m sorry.
If I could change what happened between us,
I would do so in a heartbeat
And if I could wish that things would go the way we wanted it to,
I would call Genie,
Ask to have more wishes,
And wish for things to be set right.
I’d hold you tight and never let go,
Get down on my knees
And pray to the god I didn’t know I believed in to let me have one more day with you so I can get everything back in order.

3. I don’t have much to say
And I guess that’s my problem.
I think too much
But I say too little.
Things that I meant to say
I never did.
I was always a believer that some things are better left unsaid,
But I guess that I need to tell you that when you left
I took you in like a sunset
I basked under your purple and orange skies
There’s a phenomenon about them,
How a green light flashes every time the sun meets the horizon
As if the two were about to kiss,
And I wanted to know if it was true.
I waited and I waited and I waited
But I never saw it;
Your sun disappeared faster than a blink of an eye
And I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
All I had left was your post-beauty
And I could only wait for the darkness to pass and for the moon to take over
But even then, I could only hope that the sun would rise faster and for the days to pass until the time I get to see you again.

4. I’m an emotional wreck
I like to think that I’m fine
But I’m a car crash,
A train wreck,
A plane crash on an open field
And I only carry the souls of those who have left me behind.
Maybe that’s why I have anxiety,
I don’t want to be alone in the ocean away from all civilization,
But they always told me that isolation’s a way to get to know yourself better,
I just don’t know if I believe in that anymore.
For ten months I relied on you,
Cried to you about stupid problems and stupid people
And you understood my cracks better than I did.
You kept me grounded when all I wanted was to be up in the clouds
But I lost you faster than the speed of an angel,
And maybe you were my angel,
Unforeseen and something from Heaven.
I just never figured it out,
Figured you out
And I wish I did when I had the chance
But I got left behind by God’s child
When I only ever wanted to be the same.
You accepted me when I felt like I didn’t belong,
Praised me when I was at my lowest
Now tell me, who’s going to replace you?

5. I know.
I know things won’t be the same no matter how hard I try to fix it.
I can try to mix all the glues together
And stick the broken vase together
But it’s not going to be smooth
And you’ll still see the cracks.
It’s sad how easily some things can be broken
And how it takes days for wounds to heal
Some may take longer to repair
But broken hearts can’t be mended no matter how hard you try,
How long you wait.
We can replace mirrors,
Replace plates,
Fix cars after a crash,
Repair planes when they malfunction,
But it’s sad how we’re only supposed to live with one heart.
They say that we were born attached to someone else,
We were born with two hearts
But we got separated
And our purpose is to find our other half.
There’s four sides to ever puzzle piece
And we can fit each side to another
But the picture can only be whole when all the right sides are attached to one another.
I like to think that that was us for awhile.
We fit together perfectly
But our picture never got finished.
We stopped putting each other together because it was a childish game to play.
We were each other’s halves for awhile
But we weren’t meant for each other.
I think this was us,
But I didn’t want to believe that at the time.

I know some things are better left unsaid,
But I needed you to know these five things.
All stories have a beginning, middle, and end;
Ours was just written in letter,
And this is our post script.

Dear you,

Love me.
Just love me for who I am, and not for who I’m not
Because that’s not me, and you know it isn’t
But you still look at me like I am her
And you still see her smile attached to mine
And I can see it on your face whenever we kiss
But I just want you to love me.

Just ******* love me for me
Because I love you
But I don’t want to
And I want to love you in slow motion like her
And I want you to love me because all of me loves all of you
And just ******* love me.

I want you to love me like you love your favorite songs
And I want you to know every inch of me like you know ever melody of your one favorite song,
That one song I religiously listened to because I know that’s you,
I know that’s who you are,
Where you came from,
All your dreams and fears,
And I will listen to it every three minutes and fifty-six seconds of every waking day
And I want it to sink into my bones like it sunk into your head
And I just want you to memorize me like you memorized that song
So you can sing my vices and virtues
And you can hum all my imperfections
But you will still love me,
Still love every note of me like you love that song because that’s me and that’s you
And I don’t care if you can’t sing or if you can’t play an instrument
But **** it, just love me for me and not what I’m not.

Love me.
Love me like I’m the world,
Like how you want to travel to new places no matter how dangerous and scary it is.
I want you know me like the map,
And know all the roads and streets and intersections of every city.
Love me like I’m the book in the hidden part of the library,
That one book that always gets shoved aside and forgotten,
And love me from the inside-out,
And love all my crevices and hidden meanings and riddles
And love me from cover to cover,
Title page to blank page at the end,
And even if it ends, you’re still wanting to read again just to get to know it better,
Just love me like that.

Love me like a magician loves to deceive people,
And he always has a trick up his sleeve and you just don’t know his deepest intentions,
But remember to always be cautious because the closer you think you are, the less you’ll actually see
But love me regardless of how much of a complexity I am,
And just be the little boy for a second,
Be the boy who believes in magic and believe in me even if my acts are questionable,
Just remember that sometimes, things are better left unsaid.

Just love me despite all of my “I-don’t-knows” and “maybes” and “sures”
And love me because even if questions are left unanswered,
I promise to stay true to my word,
And just please remember that I won’t break our promises.
Our promises are our always and our always are our okays,
Just love me like how she loved him even though she didn’t want to because she was scared to,
And just love me like he loved her even if she was a grenade waiting to explode as if it was a bomb on a lifetime-timer,
Just love me even when I’m sick and the clock stops ticking.

Love me as if Cupid struck its arrow at you when you weren’t looking,
But please don’t believe that our love is fake and an illusion,
Don’t lust for me and quote unquote “love” me because you think I’m a prize to be won,
But love me because I am a prize
And even if you did get me,
It doesn’t mean that you won, just don’t be boastful.
Love me, but don’t put me on a pedestal,
I just want you to love me.

Just love me like I’m mysterious,
Someone you’ve never met before or only passed once or twice before,
And I want you to get to know me like you want to know what’s going on in their lives,
And even if you’ve dug far deep into my brain,
I want you to still love me enough to dig deeper
And get past all my imperfections and habits that I was born to hate but live to love,
And I want you to love them more than you love my good parts.
Just love all the wicked parts of me because people tend to have more passion for things that they despise
And I want you to love and hate all of me
But I hope that you never pick hate over love
Because I just want you to love me.

I want you to love all of me like you loved all of her
And I know it’s hard for heartbreak to leave
And it always passes on like a kidney stone
And it hurts and it burns and you just want it all to be over with already
But it won’t leave and it’s going to take awhile
But in the mean time just let me love all the pieces of you that you hate
And let me love you so that I can put the puzzle pieces of your broken heart together
And I don’t care if it’s flimsy paper that break apart after two days,
I’m going to sew it back together and hope that no one else breaks it up,
But ******* if I’m the one to break it,
I hope that you forgive me because I didn’t mean to.
I just meant to love you
But we just never worked out.
But I still loved you past tense
Regardless of what happened between everything
We fell apart like a broken vase
And I don’t think there’s a glue strong enough to fix it
But please just know that I tried to fix our stupid little hearts
And I loved you even for a little while.

Love, me.

I am strong, but I am considered weak.
They don’t know where I came from, where I was born.
I am an Amazonian war princess,
the reincarnation of Diana Prince.
I am the descendant of Queen Hippolyta, and I was born in a place where the souls of murdered women were resurrected by the goddesses.
I am a force to be reckoned with.
I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I am, and they shouldn’t see me as something less than a penny.
I should be revered.
I am a force in the winds, and I am the force that pulls the tides of the waters surrounding land.
I am not hesitant to create storms that sink battleships that carry your husbands.
I am a siren, a creature of the sea, and I am beautiful, but I am not to be seen as only that.
I have the power to attract men with my beauty, and I can lure them into the depths of the big blue.
I am uncontrollable, and I am mysterious.
I can have you wrapped around my finger the moment you look into my eyes.
I am a woman and I am important.
Life can’t begin without me, and when I’m gone, you will be nothing but a lone soul walking around empty roads.
You will be lifeless, for I have ripped out your heart with my fangs,
And I am a lioness, a female queen and I was born to rule.
I wasn’t meant to be under your control, under your power.
I was meant to be greater than this, greater than you will ever be,
And you have no right to go against what I am destined to be.
I am a child of the earth,
The child of Mother Nature,
And I am a natural disaster.
I was born to create wreckage,
And I am the storm paving its way through your fingertips.
You weren’t the one to pull me up when I lost my battles and you weren’t there to clean up my gaping wounds.
It was me who got up from my knees and won the war, and you had no involvement in it.
I was raised to be independent, and I only know how to better myself for myself and not for you.
I am a woman, and I am not dainty and I won’t hide behind my mother like I used to.
I am a woman and I am an enigma,
And you weren’t supposed to know the fine details of my life.
I am tacked onto a name, but names are attached to different faces, and they’re not me.
I am a woman, and I am me.
I am a woman of wonders and that’s all I will be to you because you will never know me, a wonder woman.