There were many questions that swirled around my mind,
And my mind almost always seemed to drift to these riddles every night before I fell asleep.
They were questions that were always left unanswered,
Always left floating midair and in between space and reality.
One was whether or not I wanted to grow up,
The other was if I still loved him,
Another was if I could ever come into terms with the idea of moving on and loving someone else.
I never liked moving on from the past,
And I always seemed to move backwards in my memory,
Replaying all the recorded scenes of life when I was two years old.
I paused and rewinded, paused and rewinded, paused and rewinded —
As if that would help time slow down and stick to the better half of my life.
Well, that wasn’t the case and the world seemed to have a mind of her own.
She played the tape and fast forwarded into the future,
Never once letting me have a second to pause and take a breather.
He moved on like a natural disaster,
A beautiful creation made by Mother Earth herself,
And he was too engrossed in his own superiority that he forgot to take my hand and lead me to safety.
I loved him in many ways and more than my toes and fingers combined.
He was a beautiful creature,
Almost ethereal to the point that I was too afraid to reach out and grasp him.
I loved him in a way more intimate than a mother loving her child,
Someone who sacrifices everything for her loved one’s happiness and to protect him from seeing the dangers of the world.
I loved him more than a mother carrying her unborn child in her womb,
A baby soon to be born into the unknown and into a life full of endless questions that can never be answered.
I loved him more than a barren woman who craved only to hold her own blood in her hands but never seeming to get what she wanted.
I loved him more than anything,
And yet he always found a way to leave before I could even utter the three words, the three syllables, that have become so accustomed to sitting on my lips.

We were like lines that intersected at a certain point,
Only to drift apart in opposite directions after we made memories.
It was as if some other force by nature was urging us to go our separate ways,
As if It knew better than to keep us together.
We always found our way back to our merging point,
Always returning to the past that we never really left behind.
There was never any closure,
Never any goodbyes;
We just left the other,
And maybe it was for the best.
Maybe some people were meant to intersect at only one point,
While other paths just never cross at all,
And sometimes, if one is lucky,
They’ll find a person that is in all of the points of their line.

It’s 3:08 AM and I’m lying in bed thinking of what could have been,
Wondering whether or not the constellations in the night sky have shifted
And even though they probably haven’t,
I wonder why everything beneath it has changed.
I can’t seem to sleep without these thoughts,
The thoughts of infinity and oblivion,
The feeling of an abysmal eternity,
Consuming me from the inside out.
While everything seems to end,
There’s always something else coming out of it,
Something precious and something extraordinary.
I don’t know when I’ll be at peace with this temporality;
It’s almost as if my mind’s its own universe,
With all the neurons and nerves all interconnected to form blazing suns for other planets
And galaxies too far beyond reach for me to even fathom.
It’s 3:15 now and I’m still wondering how we came to be,
How we got here in the first place,
And I don’t know the answer to my own question.
I want to know why the Creator made me,
Made you,
Made us.
I want to know why He put us here on this god forsaken planet,
And why He deemed it was necessary for us to find a connection within each other,
Underneath all the other galaxies of the universe.
I want to know why,
But He won’t give me the answer either.
It’s been 18 minutes past 3 am,
The hour of which most spirits are awake,
And I’m hoping that I’ll get to cross paths with my loved one once more,
And I’m hoping that you’re up late at night wondering about me too.
I can’t sleep and I don’t know if I want to
Because all I will think about when I close my eyes is how stupid it is that I can’t even answer my own questions
And I can’t even figure out why I was here in the first place
And why I’m so angry at you when I shouldn’t be.
I just want this temporality to cease these unanswered questions and let me go to sleep,
But even I can’t escape from the universe that unravels once my eyes close.

They say that love blinds you;
That once you find “the one,”
They will be the only ones you see,
Whether it’s in a crowded room of familiar faces and strangers you’ve never met before
Or in a city with emotionless people wandering through the streets attempting to find their souls-
It’ll always be just the two of you.
Love hides all the darkness in the world,
All the evil and corruption going on around you,
But it also blinds you from seeing the truth.
You see, when you’re in love with someone,
You do whatever it takes to stay in love with that person.
You forget their flaws,
Erase all their mistakes and scars from their bodies.
You block out what others say about your relationship,
Becoming deaf to all the doubts and reprimanding of the adults that “know better.”
When you’re in love, you want to stay in love.
You want it to be just the two of you in this entirely chaotic world.
See, love makes a person blind.
It makes you walk through the Labyrinth without Ariadne’s ball of string to guide you.
It blindfolds you and refuses to hold your hand and direct you to the end.
It makes you want to do stupid things,
And it makes you want to jump off a cliff.
When you’re crazy and irrevocably in love,
You’ll go psychotic trying to make the other person happy.
You crave for their happiness so much that you forget to focus on your satisfactions.
But what happens if you’re so far in love that you’ve become accustomed to tunnel vision even when you’re far out of love?
You see, I know this girl.
She loves the idea of being in love.
She loves all the romance and the sweetness and all the attention when it comes to being in love.
She loves loving others so much that she forgot to love herself.
She’s so caught up in this idea that she almost forgot to get her head out of the clouds and place her feet on the earth for a minute.
See, I don’t believe in perfect.
There’s always something in this world that will corrupt beauty
And being close to perfect is never enough for society.
We’ve all been brought up in a universe of false hopes and harsh realities,
But we still crave for perfection,
We still want perfect.
She wants a perfect boy and a perfect life,
And it’s nice to know that someone out there is still dreaming and believing in the goodness of the world,
But deep in our veins, we know this dream is unreachable,
And I think it’s time for all of us to keep our feet on the ground and not let our heads get too caught up in the moment,
But we all know that might never happen either.

I always imagined myself getting on a plane
To get to your arms,
But now that I see another in them,
It makes me want to shrink back
And revel in my thoughts.

You made it clear that you didn't want me around
Even if I had willingly gave you my affections.
I trusted you with things,
Things that were buried with my past.

I never hated you because you were my other half,
A half of a broken heart,
Half of a broken person.
Both needed stitches,
One that only you could mend.

But now I hate you because you're happy,
You're happy with someone else
and not me.
You've erased me from your memory,
And made new ones with someone else.

I'm happy you're happy,
But I would've been content if I was there, too.

He didn't hold my hand
or kiss my cheek
Instead he held me to his chest,
and our arms always seemed to kiss each other.
He didn't share his day with me
nor did he ask me about mine
Instead he shared his music and his art
and encouraged me to do the same.
He told me not to worry too much
because being sad won't get me anywhere.
He reassures me that things will get better
and now getting up in the morning
doesn't seem so bad at all.

Underneath the ten pounds of make-up
and the personality you fake to please everyone,
the face they deem
Gorgeous is layered with faux smiles
and tear tracks
Like runaway trains that seem impossible to stop.
Years of pain and anguish;
actions driven by anger;
nights ended with soaked pillows;
thoughts clouded with judgment
for she will always believe she is
UGLY