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Jay 1988 May 12
I lay there, the morning sun pushing through the curtains, the air filled with perfume, birdsong breaks the silence, her breath heavy in sleep, her brown hair flows down her back. My head nestled in the feathers of our pillows and I reach across, the softness of her skin against my fingertips is all the salvation I needed, and the ghost of a smile crosses my face. My hand against her back is the most affection she gives to me, but I’m satisfied, or am I?

I stare, she’s still sleeping, and I think how lucky I am, but what is it that makes me lucky? the sleeping hours are the only escape from war. But still, like a lovesick child I yearn for some form of affection, confirmation that what we have is real, living proof that somewhere in that sleeping beauty that hides a beast is the memory of what love is, and could I love her more, that may draw the love out of her.
The reality is that like a drug, the more I loved, the more I needed to love to convince myself that what I had was real, but is it possible that love has been confused with lust?

The reality of loving her, or lusting her was a war in my own head, standing next to her I felt inferior, why is she here? why did she choose me? Despite obvious social differences, it may appear that aesthetics is the most important factor in the relationship. Would you love this person if they didn’t have the beauty, do you love the personality of this person, and does this person make you a better person for being with you? Do they respect you and all you stand for, but still you lie next to them, and smile because it is normal, it is the reality you create, a fool’s happiness at the expense of his own.

You remember the early days, the nights between the stars at 20 years old, the condensed windows of your second-hand car, the way she felt in your arms and the way electricity flowed through your body as she leaned against you, you remember the smell, the sound of her laughter, a photograph of her smile imprinted on your mind, but that memory is all you have of the smile.

The want of telling her what is, how you feel. you remember the pain of losing her because you didn’t tell her your feelings, only to be reunited 3 years later, was it fate? Or were we 2 lost souls sent to help each other in troubled times. The nights when I’d lost myself, and she rescued me, the nights when she’d lost herself, and I rescued her, the first time she fell into my arms, I stood like a rain-sodden child on a stormy night thwarted by lightning, her touch and everything about her infected me.

But slowly, gradually, the draw of 2 people, the winter nights toasting marshmallows over candles, the excitement of the early days, the adventure subsides and reality checks in, and we release our true selves upon each other, it’s the realization that apart from the physical attraction, there’s something missing, but we are so far in it that we can’t pull out now. We jump on the train and keep on going, after 4 weeks pregnant, 2 months engaged, 3 months a house, 1 year and 3 months married, 4 years a mortgage, 5 years pregnant …. What’s left? We’ve done all we can to function as a family unit, the smiles in the photographs mask the reality of life, the evenings spent apart on our phones, the resentment, the emotional distance between us, the same routine, the lust of one not reciprocated, always sending the first text, always buying the nicest cards, always giving the first hug, always initiating intimacy, always the one to place my hand on your knee as we drove, always the one to call to see how you are, always the one to say I love you.

We’d leave your mum’s and you’d hug her, and I’d wonder where you learned to hug like that, I’d walk with you to meet your friend at the pub, you’d leave me and hug her, but where was that hug from, and what did she do for your affection that I didn’t?

The perfect family is just for show, but you never even pretended, Facebook posts from lovestruck women declaring adoration for their man, the great father, their soulmate, their best friend, but I’ll settle for a 'happy birthday Jason x' because that’s an acknowledgment from you, because I don’t know my own self worth in your shadow.
Jay 1988 Sep 2019
Last night I closed my eyes and dreamed of when we flew together
Somewhere over shallow streams and fresh ploughed golden fields
But I didn’t have the strength to fly half as high as you did
So you held me in those tiny hands and pulled me right up close next to you
But then I got so close it burned me, you were the fire in my world
And then my hand slipped, and I fell, down to earth

And when I looked up at the sky you were a shooting star just passing through my universe  
only ever temporary
when I close my eyes, you haunt me like some long-lost dream that I just can’t remember so I never-ever sleep any more
you let me get so close then burned me, you were the fire in my world
and then my hand slipped and I fell down to earth

So now I sit here next to beggars with their wishing bowls who look up with the same desperation in their eyes I had for you
but their hunger is for another kind they’ve never known the curse that is you and I fear that is a blessing for them
you let me get so close then burned me, you were a fire in my world
and then my hand slipped and I fell down to earth

Do you remember sitting in the Bristol channel motel room with ghosts of secret lovers who poured their ***** souls over skin
while their loved ones, who sleep peacefully unaware that a one-night stand love affair is taking place amidst the confession room
I closed my eyes, my hands were on you, fingers rolled over your inked skin, and then your eyes closed, and you let me in
Your blue eyes shot straight through me as our foreheads met and my palms were placed between the whiteness of your thighs
And I found the servitude I needed in this tiny world was in this little motel room amongst the beauty of your sighs
You let me get so close then burned me, you were a fire in my world
And then my hand slipped and I fell down to earth
Jay 1988 Nov 2018
Daisy Chain

Untie the ribbons from her hair
then watch them float down to the floor
She’s stood in front of the window
Her back towards me just for show
and as I peeled off her dress
let her soft skin feel my breath
My hands roll across her pale breast
her back faulters against my chest
But something doesn’t feel right
Her head bowed down, her eyes shut tight
It’s like she’s here but no she’s not
Or maybe she is but I am not
I buy her lots of fancy clothes
Like these beneath our naked toes
I roll my fingers across her skin
Then watch her as she pulls away

And sometimes, in the mornings
When she thinks I sleep
She ups and takes her leave
She opens up her drawers, and in her nakedness
Pulls a daisy chain, and puts it on her neck
then, in the darkness of our room
My beauty falls to her frail knees and cries
With that daisy chain

But I could give you things, that you never had, anything you want
I could buy you jewels to put around your neck over that daisy chain
You want a car, I could buy a car and give it all to you
I’d give you anything I could be your king if you would be my queen
Oh, will you be my queen?

Give you my hand but you turn it away
I give you my jewels and with that smile that you fake
You wear ruby’s and diamonds but can’t hide your pain
For your only true smile is for that daisy chain
And then in the evenings you lay in our bed
And I wish I could see what’s inside that head
When you make love to me, but no love was made
As you only have love for the daisy chain
But if you would just let me in, I could be your king!
Every lover has a past, the longest of summers never last

She looked outside her window
And saw the boy from down the road
Whose family lived outside the law
But she had history with him and of him she was sure
She put her best summer dress on
And from the window to the lawn
Where hand in hand they both ran
Through the wild city streets,
Her ribbons flowing at her feet
Then she stopped him in her tracks
and told the boy about the man
To who she was promised too,
he was older than her but had diamonds and jewels
but before she finished he kissed hand
and said he’d figure something out
as he made his first love to her
beneath the hanging trees in the dirt
and when they were done they stood hand in hand
facing each other on this one-night romance he sighed
I really don’t have a lot to give
I don’t have money like him, but I know how to live
But I got these 2 hands and there’s things I can make
And he bent down then pulled up a daisy chain
As he placed it on top of her naked skin
She held it so tight it almost sunk within her
Then stared at each other and both looked sad
Because both of them knew that long summers don’t last
One day I will be rich, and I’ll come and get you
Keep this daisy chain, and watch for me from your room

And so, in the mornings
When i thinks he sleeps
I up and take my leave
open up my drawers, and in my nakedness
Pull his daisy chain, and put it on my neck
then, in the darkness of our room
I fall to my frail knees and cry
Waiting for him,
With his daisy chain
Jay 1988 Jul 2018
Close your eyes now, don't be shy
She kissed my lips and poured some wine
Slipped off her party dress and then she named her price
But i didn't know what to do
The room turned crimson red then blue
She kissed me hard and pushed me back that's when i closed my eyes

Look at what these women do, look how she moves and how they do it
I just lay back watching her do her thing
Look at how she rolls her tongue up and down over my body
I know i shouldn't fall in love
But i had no choice

And then she pulled me to her lips, stroked me with her fingertips
Her tongue crawled up and down my skin but still my eyes were closed
But when i placed my hands on her
She was my blessing and my curse
Skin so soft she melted me
Her red hair in this autumn breeze
We just danced there for a while
The room was silent but for her sighs
And i did try hard not to love
But her i couldn't resist

Look at what these women do, look how she moves and how they do it
I just lay back watching her do her thing
Look at how she rolls her tongue up and down over my body
I know i shouldn't fall in love
But i had no choice

That tenderness within her voice
Made me make that awfull choice
I screamed her name then pulled her close
Desired her above all else
The way she held me too that night
Made me think it was so right
But to her i was another one who helped her pay the bills
The battle that was never won,
we both got dressed when we were done
I handed her all that i had
And ahe slipped it away
Jay 1988 Jul 2018
Shadows fall heavy over Squires Row
A child of 2 summers provokes movement from a home made wooden train
A candle flails in the corner, the only sound the ticking of a clock residing over the fire place
And from the room upstairs, the final cries of a man haunt these brick and mortar
Benjamin Wyatt

A woman, stern in face and posture, yet broken in heart stares vacantly into the abyss
Silent in her words, yet her mind contains a pain too powerfull to evoke
A widow soon she will be, death has his grip and is merciless in his quest
And still, from the chambers above
The final cries, of Benjamin Wyatt

Unwashed Curtains hang, partly open
A single pane of glass shields us from the rain
A man lay on a bed, the worldly hands of a mother wipes the brown hair of her baby
He's 27 years, but should he see 40, still he's her babe
A gasp, a cough, the relentless buzzing of a fly pings against the glass trying to escape outside into the warmth
Decay is especially savage when attached to the living
A shhhh, her tiny palms rest inside his, those same hands that cradled him on his first day
Her eyes close.and she remembers it well
A teardrop escapes her and falls onto his cheek
One final gasp, the last stand, silence

A mothers scream pierces Squires Row
Outside, back pressed against the green chamber door
A greying father lifts his head to the heavens
His old blue eyes drowning
Knees kiss the floorboards
He sighs
What a sight to see a grown man humbled

Benjamin Wyatt is silent
Jay 1988 May 2018
Rose one morning combed my hair
Saw my bride just lay there in our bed
Her face lit by the moon
Kissed her forehead then I left the room
I took my vows and I’ve paid my due’s
Walked in to our baby’s room
She lay sleeping like her mother too
I pulled her to my arms
Sung her songs of kings and lucky charms
Kissed her lips and said I’d be home soon
laced the boots upon my feet
Earth fell from them, turned on the tv
There’s been some tragic news
We’re killing each other will this all end soon?
I take the key and quietly take my leave
Made my way through the thick smoke
Trees are wilting birds begin to choke
I see the chimney stack
That feeds my baby, and clothes her tiny back
The bills get paid but there is little left
Take my stand upon my men
Fire in the furnaces of hell
They raise up from the floor
My head is lined with marks of thick black coal
And I walk home with fire still in my soul
Took a left on Curzon street
Into the pub where naked dancing feet
We’re crossing on the bar
The smell of gin, the taste of coke and ***
And there was Louise sitting on her own
I took her hand and held her tight
We ran together into the stormy night
And found a motel room
Closed the curtains shut out the moon
Across the town I could see my house
To stop, I tried my very best
But she slipped of her dress, off came my vest
Then we had skin to skin
I could feel her heart beat and everything else within
The smell of perfume, whisky, coke and gin
She placed her head against my chest
My hands flowed through her up, then down again
Her lips they tasted so sweet
In this Californian motel heat
Our dance didn’t last that long
We were done before the new birdsong
She lay there next to me
While my bride sleeps next to where I used to be
But there’s nothing better than laying with Louise
Jay 1988 May 2018
We were in the same lesson
And i don't know if you knew
I'd sit at the back of our old classroom
Watching the way the sun shone
Straight through your hair
And the way his hand held yours
I'd whisper this life is so unfair
Did you not notice the way
My hand shook when i picked up those books that your dropped
Thinking you did that on purpose
Just to make me stop
But those days seem so long ago now
And all i remember is

Old papers and school books
Your name calved in some tree's
My god please take me back
To nineteen sixty three

And i found you one day
Please tell me you atleast remember that
You were sitting with your hair messed up
Looking beautiful on the grass
But your face wasn't a happy one
So i sat beside you
All i remember of that day my love
Was the smell of your perfume
Rendering me quite simply
Unable to move
Do you remember i held out my hand
But thought you'd push it back
Instead you placed it on the space between your pretty cotton skirt
And your feet rested on the grass
Those days seem so long ago now
And it's easy to forget
But i could never forget you my love
You are always in my head
And those memories of

Old papers and school books
Your name calved in some tree's
My god please take me back
To nineteen sixty three

Then it finally happened one day
I placed all my bets on you
Invested my soul but i had no choice
**** a lovestruck fool
You agreed we could meet that night
Outside the Nevada State Fair
I just knew on my arms would be
The most beautiful girl there
Along to the music we danced
And i held you in my arms
Those lights all around us moved
In this storm you were my calm
The chaos all around us parted
As my hands rolled through your hair
My lips pressed up real tight
Against your ear
In my dreams i've been here before
So many a time
My lovely sweet Louisa, stay with me a while
Then i don't quite know what happened
But those years passed us by
Watched my sister on her wedding day
Such a beautiful bride
And my parents were laid to rest perfectly side by side
Me and Louisa we lost touch
But i still see her face sometimes
When i close my eyes and think of

Old papers and school books
Your name calved in some tree's
My god please take me back
To nineteen sixty three
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