Its like im here, but im not really here, im here physically, but not mentally, in sit here , but where my mind is? That, thats the million dollar question that remains unknown to me. Where is my mind?

Is there a purpose to this? This profound loneliness, this constant need for whatever it is i yearn for, this helplessness, this constant sadness that has become almost like a numbness, what are its reasons? Where will it take me? Will i ever be happy?

I tend to have a deep endearment and emotional intrest in coldhearted people, i see good in them, and i want to develope a relationship with them, i fall inlove with what i know they can be, i want to be there for them and see what there about, i have this huge thing for ******* type people, but sometimes when you play with fire, theres a great possibility you will get burned.

I have this deep and profound interest in you, this feeling i cannot explain, this feeling that yearns deep inside of me, this feeling that only you can trigger, i want to know what your about, i want to know your wants and needs, i want to know the thoughts deep within your sub-conscience , i want to know about you, all of you, i want to be the one person that can really get through to you, i wanna be the person you have a soft spot for, i want to be the person you confide in, i wanna be the one person you love, and frankly if i cant love you as a lover, i will love you as a friend.

As a child, this chaos began.
Instead of being the baby brother yearning for the attention of his big sister, you pinched and scratched me until I bled.
Only one thought occurred; what have I done?


As the years passed and your preteen years arrived, I was ecstatic to see what direction you were headed to.
What music will he be into?
What kind of style will he most be inspired by?
Instead of opening up and letting me be apart of this, you shut me out with your hatred growing stronger.
Only one thought occurred; what have I done?

Now in the present, you are no longer a little boy.
You've become more independent.
You've chosen the type of crowd you'd like to associate with.
You've become a talented musician.
You're so very intelligent.
You've now experienced not only your first heartbreak but, your second.
They're so many things about you that I admire deeply.
But still, you hate me.
Your words pierce my heart and your thoughts about me make me *****.
You don't want me anywhere near you.
You don't want me involved in anything that you do.
You are disgusted by me.
I will always love you but still, only one thought occurs; what have I done?

My biggest tormentor and my worst enemy, lives within my mind, it destroys me and defeats me, this "thing" comes and goes frequently and it isnt gentle in the slightest way possible, it conquers me, it takes control, and it breaks me down.