I think it takes you getting ******* and disregarding me for a few hours to bind us a little more
I think it takes me getting upset at something that won't matter in a few
hours to make me love you more

Recycled words, blistering cold from the four shots I never drank
Reflection of teenage angst and heart break fog up my windows
But you being away never bothered me anyways
Wait....
Maybe I lied a little
Maybe just maybe, I still read your letters on a Tuesday morning with the scent of burnt toast cloaking the house
Maybe I still find your underwear at the bottom of my laundry basket or the words you wrote for me on a crumbled up paper besides my blue waste bin
**** it and see you never know

Tonight I just might sit in my dimly lit box and count all the things I never hated
Tonight I just might wrap myself in thoughts until I feel your hand on my head pushing me deeper and deeper in
Tonight I just might consume more than I could hold and slowly drift away to days when the sun was asleep
Tonight I just might let the cigarette burn deeper and deeper into my flesh tearing everything in its way
Tonight I just might write a line or two about you
Tonight I just might smile a bit.

This song makes me feel extremely melancholic.
Because well I over think things a lot.
Like the corners in rooms eyes have never laid on.
Or little pieces of your skin that I don't get to kiss
I've finally cleaned my room
I swept all the little specs of you that's been in my carpet for some time now
It still smells like your favorite cigarettes
And there is no point of me airing it out because pretty soon that toxic scent will be all I have left of you
I hope I won't forget you but I've never been good at promising
But then again who could forget you
The words you noted
The times lips touched my neck
Or when our teeth clashed against each other
How could I?
Every now and then I poke myself with the Morrissey pin you gave me while looking for the notes you wrote me
The point punctures the tip of my finger slightly
But I've already bled myself dry trying to forget how your hair smelled
And I've gone blind trying to forget what your skin felt like during the summer near the old school
Winter bites near a frozen stream
I pinched myself but your not just a bad dream

I swim through your time here on earth quite well
I don't loiter because the sign on your skin doesn't allow me
Same old story
I travel over you to quickly
And suddenly your gone
Heaven knows its got to be this time

I'm the t shirt you stuff into your bottom drawer & wear on wash day
I'm the book next to the book protected in dust
The one you haven't read since you last dreamt of him
I'm the dark bubbles in your black coffee
I'm the goosebumps you get when you watch blue moons
I'm the active chemical in your LSD
I'm the feeling your leg gets when you've been sitting on it for too long
I'm that bitter flavor that you no longer taste on your 4th glass
I'm the burn on your tongue when you take your first drag
Im the little plastic on your shoe lace
I'm the tag that's on your favorite shirt
I am the hidden ***** fork at the bottom of your dish rack
I'm one of the littlest stones in the 7th step on your stairs
I am the peek hole on your apartment door
I'm the the gum stuck to the pavement on your way to school
I'm the ***** scent on the bus on your way home
I'm one single ridge on the quarter you give to a homeless man you see on 8th street
I'm the fibers in the paper of your journal
I'm the oil that keeps the ink in place in your pen
I am the empty spaces on your paper
I am the spine of your favorite book
I am the flavor in your favorite food
I am the bulgdes in your best pair of socks
I am the pitch of your voice
I am the waves that hit your veins every other week or so

" I hate them all, I hate them all
I hate myself
For hating them
so I'll drink some more
I'll love them all
I'll drink even more
I'll hate them even more than I did before. "

I'm tired of waking up in the same bed and the sun shining on my face
I'm tired of the carpet the bottom of my feet slide slide against
I'm tired of the cold door **** I turn and completely sick of the cigarette I put to my lips
Long drives to places that don't matter
Places that don't matter to me nor anyone
The noises the tires against the road make drives me crazy
Kind of like you did
But a little less self inflicting
The "Coffee shirt" I called
The brown coffee stain that still is engraved into the fibers of my white t shirt
I cant help but to reminsice the memories we never fully shared
All the times I never fell asleep or woke up with you
But yes dear you are every thought in the cranium space above my neck
And yes you are every unfinished poem besides my waste bin
Like the little piece of plastic at the end of my shoe lace
It doesn't matter anymore
And sometimes I don't care
My eyes are just hanging low
My finger tips burn
And I'm 6 feet beneath the moon with anywhere but you to go
Its Ok
Its more than Ok

I dream of you every night now, starting to remind me of some pop song. These dreams are what I look forward to every morning I wake, I can't seem to wait to lay my head down and slip away without holding on. Those soft kisses in some dark alley way, and the way your hands are shaped into mine as I press them over your head against the wall, your skin, god your skin! The way it lusters in the moon light as my fingers caress you from head to toe. God your skin! My hands on your waist and your hands on my hands, god! And when I wake from these dreams at 3:46 A.M. it truly pains me that you aren't beside me....

This morning my youngest of my eldest sisters came out of her room to tell me to lower my music. As I sat there , she looked into my eyes, she paused momentarily and said without knowing

"Whatever ends up happening, you're gonna be very sad and I don't know what to do about that"

Darling I miss you. Its not the I miss you thrown around to those who just want your body, but I miss you. Its only been a few hours but my heart hurts, it was short lived but it was so strong deep in my heart, and no song I could listed to, or no book I could read could suppress my sentiments, I'm constantly looking for a way top explain myself , anything but telling you to your face, for you've already closed your curtains and said goodbye. I miss you. It hurts to my soul. Now I sleep all day, but when I wake I find myself with 50 shades of grey in my hands. But I can't even concentrate because I just can't stop thinking about you. So I just sit there staring into space while everyone's concerned about me. I just lay here, staring at my living room.I want to get drunk to work up my nerve, and ring you, and beg you to please come back to Camden. I love you, I'm in love with, I fell hard. And I now you are far away

The streets remind me of you.
But you're one of those people who leave a masc
Something that'll never come off
Like the first time I told you I love you,  I got all nervous and I dropped coffee on my brand new white t shirt
That stain will never come off
Just like your scent and my skin
You'll never come off
I fell for a poet.
And that's something that will never leave my thoughts

Can I grab your hand tonight, under the light bulb
Can I feel your top lip tonight, over the cell phone
I waited outside your window but you took too long
I walked you home last year that's the last I saw you
Make time for me cause I've waited longer than they have

Sometimes I'm strange, sometimes I'm annoying, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes Im happy, some times I'm vile, sometimes Im rich, sometimes I'm poor. But I love you always. Sometimes in my sleep, sometimes in my dreams, sometimes at 3 in the afternoon,  sometimes 3 A.M., sometimes during a shower, sometimes during the winter and sometimes during the summer. But I love you always.

I'm afraid, and that's something I'm not afraid to admit
The burn of waiting is burning right through my skull
And I'm scrambling because I don't know what bad your heart will confess to me

You wrote about me , and it hurts. I've never been so lonesome in my life as I am now. Its eternal despair, and the pain rumbles in my lungs and I soon lose feeling of my knuckles and finger tips. Youre gone, but your friends say you're at home watching Netflix and lounging in your lazy underwear and bra
I know you've always been the one to let go
And for some reason that fear stood up close by
I pray to the moon
And I begged cupid to go pay you a visit
And begged the stars to die out so I could say something cheesy like "your eyes are brighter than any substance the stars may produce"
Slowly my heart breaks more and more each and every hour, every minute of my day, every drum and every 80s break up song slowly starts to sting
Darling I'm in despair and random thoughts that pop up in my head like a tour bus and really bright Vegas lights, or a Scottish Coffee shop, or like the coupons in your favorite cigarette, or the nights my friends saw me kissing you and they started to cheer, they screamed and I slightly looked away, but you grabbed me by plain black T-shirts and kissed me harder, until your lip scabbed up and my lips became sore

' Hold onto my hands, I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything's stinking, stinking without you '

' And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you. and in the day, everything's complex, There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.

My darling

Yes my darling, you are every unfinished poem besides my waste bin
And yes you are every thought that clouds the cranium space above my neck
But just know you were my destination
You weren't a pit stop or a cheap motel where I could kick up my fit and leave when the nights over
Its hard to remember how it felt before I met you
Now I slowly start to feel the lava rising up to my bottom lip and the taste of blood as it flows out my mouth
I feel the steam as it comes out my ears and fogs up my room

' Low lights and long nights
I try hard to not remember
And you, too beautiful
I can't look
I've done so very many stupid things
it's too late... remember '

I feel it again
The despair I felt in the dead of last winter
He said I should leave you behind
But I know, the thought of you will always linger
Every night I try to put you out like a burning cigarette
But the embers spark up my dry throat and start a blazing fire
I keep thinking about the park
And the bench we sat on
The trees we compared ourselves to
Your smile projected the light that reflected off the rancid polluted lake
The dead stars the lit up the sky when I walked you home
And most of all the clumsy words that revealed what my heart had to say

Simple words; you left...

My dear,  my dear you hold serenity on your lips
It radiates off your skin even when your not smiling
And your hair bristles with the breeze like cold branches on a tree
Never have I faced a soul as rhapsodic as yours
Never have I joined hands with ones as powerful as yours
Never have I looked into the eyes as mesmerizing as yours
You are my first, last and only glimpse of walking modern art
Like death you have me
You have me, forever and after
And the whiskey on a Saturday night doesn't satisfy me no more
Because you live deep inside my subconscious at 3 A.M.

Please keep me in mind
Breath in the scent of my favorite shirt as I will for you
while I remember how your finger prints felt
Or how you tasted
crochet your hands in mine one last time or just kiss me on the cheek and make your way back to the old house, all i ask of you is one thing that I know you can no longer do, sit with me and let us reminisce about the tears and frowns we gave because I truly felt they saved me
You taught me how to feel
that the emotions that killed me during my days weren't as strong as I was, I truly love you for that, maybe I'll see you sometime, someday darling
Maybe I'll pass you in the streets in another life
I'll smirk at you and youll grin and we'll never meet again
But until then i will spend the rest of my days on earth listening to soul destroying music wishing I could stick by your side
I will spend the rest of my days tasting you on the roof of my mouth and no matter how much my wisdom teeth ache,  I'll keep them in because I know there will be a little of your DNA on it and soon it'll be all I have left of you
In your absence
In the absence of your touch
In the absence of your smiling face
......
Times tide will never smother you and you will always be kept close to whatever I have left of my heart

If could only state how I felt the first day I walked passes you awkwardly staring at you from the side of my eye
How your eyes almost wiped out everything around then
And your voice, the moment the sound hit my ear drum, I fell for you
Sometimes I'd sneak into room
Just to slowly creep in your head quietly to read your thoughts pages by page
Sometimes I would sneak into your body and sleep in your rib cage
And sometimes I wrote songs about you
I could never let the memory of the scent on your bare skin and how your tongue tastes slip from me
But I now know I could never hold your heart again
And your buried 6 ft inside of me
I think there's still some of your DNA on my teeth, I know because it conjures up a sweet taste in the mouth
Oh no
Then everyday I would phone you wed talk about how the weather was and how the vessels in your heart pumped oxygen to my blood
Then one summer night you lounged and you layed you're pale body on my should, me and my heart knew, we just knew
But then you said "My love I cannot stay, I've been here once too many"
And I grinned the whole night but my tear ducts tore and I shed
Now I spend my days in bed covered in crumbs
Sad but I agree

My shadow will soon be reunited with yours; entwined

Someday I no longer will be able to phone you and ask how the day is treating you
Someday I will no longer be able to look into your big brown eyes
Someday I will no longer be able to kiss your chest and rest my head on your shoulder
Someday I will no longer grab you by the waste and swing you left to right
I will no longer drum on your stomach with my point fingers
Someday when all is said and done,  your the one I love, now just like then

How was it that your voice echoed inside my head, like an empty park, ugly duckling, rust on my chains and fungi at the bottom of the lake, you, arised like the mist that slowly clogs my window each morning I wake, broken cove, empty room, ***** feet, scratched disc and short hair, these days I spend with you, lights on my wall, accatone on my screen, ***** pastel on the floor, sticky skin, cigarette mouth, saliva. How was it that you made your home in my veins and hidden components in my body ones I only found because you came along, ****** poetry, empty shoes, tornado stomach, torn pants at the knee, Pablo Neruda, Oscar Wilde, ee Cummings and 40oz.  Please now, please,  I am at the mercy of you now, you know, look at me like you looked at them, press your lips against mine like he was watching, hold my hand until my nose bleeds, wrap your legs against mine until my eyes become numb,

Thunderbolted finger nails and clean saliva
*******
******
Ativan
Xanax

Tonight I might write something like: You are glued to me and the thought of you never leaves my head! I find myself constantly thinking about you! And sometimes its murderous! I dream of you so much I wanna tear every tooth out of my head! My friends say your no good for me but I'd have to disagree!

"Well on the minds of other men I knew she was"

What is this love thing everyone writes about? Is it that loud noise in my cells that keep me awake during the suns travel during the night?
If I may propose this to you? Maybe its the look in your infinite eyes while you look away with your mouth slacked. Or maybe the way the skin on your fingers rub against mine. Maybe its the fragments and the friction that keep me awake during the day. Maybe its the way your tongue taste or the way the moon lights up your silhouette shadow on my side of the side walk. Or maybe the oils in your hair or maybe the layers in your fingernails. Is it the length of your toes and the shape of your laugh, is it the depth of your mind and every bit of syllable that your heart speaks to me

What is this love thing everyone writes about? Is it that loud noise in my cells that keep me awake during the suns travel during the night?
If I may propose this to you? Maybe its the look in your infinite eyes while you look away with your mouth slacked. Or maybe the way the skin on your fingers rub against mine. Maybe its the fragments and the friction that keep me awake during the day. Maybe its the way your tongue taste or the way the moon lights up your silhouette shadow on my side of the side walk. Or maybe the oils in your hair or maybe the layers in your fingernails. Is it the length of your toes and the shape of your laugh, is it the depth of your mind and every bit of syllable that your heart speaks to me.

Is it the pain I feel during Long nights where I consumed much more than I could possibly hold
Was it the rumble in my room when you told me that you could no longer stay by my side
Or the smirk that stood on my face the rest of the night
The one I gave just to try sustain all the tears
But somehow they rolled off my cheeks and fogged up my glasses
As I said my goodbyes to the life that we won't spend together
Its the darkness that now devours my room
My 15 hours of sleep
Its my 4th shot of whiskey
Or the bags under my eyes
But now everyday I slowly become a part of your yesterday
While you are stuck in my today and my tomorrow
I'm pinning for her
Why yes the person underneath dies by the wayside

'In the absence of your love & in the absence of human touch, I have decided I'm throwing my arms around Paris because only stone and steel accept my love'

Tonight my heart is aching, I can feel it in my stomach, and it sends cold chills up my spine that invite the lonely ghouls of the night.
My finger tips miss your skin
My lips miss yours
And I wish I could stare at you in person one last time to study the shape of your face and thighs and feet so I could keep in deep inside my subconscious until I go
I still have the polaroids of you in my room
I'm so lost and I'm barely here
I wish I could describe myself but the words fall and rot the moment they come out my mouth
Tears can't help but to crash on my boots as I say goodbye to the life we'll never spend together

I'm helpless, watching you get undressed with your black dress
Watching you fall back into your oldness
And you just want me to go

So sorry, you know things are never what they seem to be
But I could never say you never warned me
And darling I don't wanna know

You're heartless, dump your lover boy then he is obsessed
Touch my lips suddenly I become breathless
Darling you know what you are

I woke up today with a short of breathe and a pain in my chest that seemed to tear and poke at my ribcage
I'm ******* sad again
I didn't get a text from her this morning telling me she loves me and to have a great day
I dreamt about her last night
And though it was not very long lived it felt like the world

Last night I dreamt you died
But you were still mine and I was still yours
You would visit me everyday
And we'd laugh, and talk, and you'd give me the same stare you've always have. But one day you didn't show up at the foot of my bed, as well as the next , and so on. God it hurt like hell

Though sometimes at 4 A.M. I feel I cannot satisfy her needs I still love her
Though sometimes I feel that I'm not enough I love her
Though sometimes I look down because of those men with the veins and green eyes I love her
Though sometimes I cannot answer when she whistles I love her
Hard to explain
I know what I am and exactly what I could do
But she is just too beautiful
For I am sick, for I am bland, for I do not move like the froth of the sea
I am me,  and that's good enough.

I always speak of your infinite eyes
But sometimes I wonder do you still dream of mine
Am I still the one you adore
Do you still feel the urge to kiss my wounds and bloom into my skin
Does your body still ache to feel my calus finger tips roam around your torso
Fold me like a t shirt and stuff me into your bottom drawer
You could wear me on wash day
I'm the book next to the book protected in dust
The one you haven't read since you last dreamt of him
I'm the dark bubbles in your black coffee
I'm the goosebumps you get when you watch blue moons
I'm the active chemical in your LSD
I'm the feeling your leg gets when you've been sitting on it for too long
I'm that bitter flavor that you no longer taste on your 4th glass
I'm the burn on your tongue when you take your first drag
I'm the chip in your nail when you smash your finger on the car door
Im the little plastic on your shoe lace
I'm the tag that's on your favorite shirt
I am the hidden ***** fork at the bottom of your dish rack
I'm the last drop of water that's left on your body after a shower
I'm the dust mites in your bed
I'm the wax in your ears
I am the dirt under your finger nails
I am the door handle on your mums car
I'm the scent in your perfume
I'm one of the littlest stones in the 7th step on your stairs
I am the peek hole on your apartment door
I'm the the gum stuck to the pavement on your way to school
I'm the ***** scent on the bus on your way home
I'm one single ridge on the quarter you give to a homeless man you see on 8th street
I'm the fibers in the paper of your journal
I'm the oil that keeps the ink in place in your pen
I am the Pentagon shape of your pencil
I am the empty spaces on your paper
I am the spine of your favorite book
I am the flavor in your favorite food
I am the bulgdes in your best pair of socks
I am the pitch of your voice
I am the waves that hit your veins every other week or so