You have a new family
A new wife
New kids
A new house
A new car
A new job
Its like I'm at a party I wasn't invited to
Being stared at as if I'm foreign
Like I don't even belong
I feel like the odd one out
Like you dont even want me here
You keep making up excuses as to why you cant see me
Even though you promised you'd always be there
Well I'm right here Dad
Alone and crying
And needing you
To teach me about boys
And to help me grow up
To teach me what it means to fall in love
I'm right here Dad
And guess what
I need new shoes
But your New Kids do too
And they need them more than me
It's hard to call you
You're always working to keep the rent at your New Home
But I'M STILL HERE DAD
And I'm screaming that I need you now
This is the one promise you should actually keep
After all, I'm the only kid that still loves you.

We mold together perfectly
His arms around my waist holding me as though he's done it a thousand times
My arms comfortably held by his shoulders as if the place where his collarbones and neck meets was made just for me to rest my head.
And I'm sure if we got the chance to kiss, his lips would match mine in a sort of perfect harmony.
His eyes seem to light up when he sees me, making them more beautiful every time I see them.
Blue like the sky on a perfectly clear day towards the darkest black of pupils,
Reaching out as a child reaches for its mother into an icy navy blue like the deepest spots of the ocean,
Navy blue is his favorite color.
We like adventures and we go on them.
His imagination and soul seem to match mine as if we've known each other for millions of years.
We could talk for hours like lost lovers and never get bored, we have a thousand times before.
I can show him the sides of me that no one has ever seen and I feel like he's made for me.
I see the good in his heart even when it doesn't show.
I feel that God hand-crafted his idea of a perfect man and gave him to me.
So why am I so afraid?
Why am I scared to hurt him?
Feeling as if I'm hiding behind the scenes in a horror movie, waiting to jump out and destroy him before he has the chance to cry for help.
I don't want to be the one that makes him change,
That turns him into the stereotypical teenage male who once thought it okay to love but now can never feel it again.
I don't want to hurt him and so I will forever remain caught in this cage of fear and pain in order to save my darling from suffering.
I'm willing to do that much for him.

The other day in therapy we talked about my fears.
She asked me why I was afraid of the dark.
At the time I didn't know, I've always been ,

I guess I've never been scared of the dark
I guess I've always loved it

But I've given it some thought and I've noticed
The dark holds untold secrets
It is something you cannot run from

You can't say I'm ugly, you can't say I'm tall

When it comes, it is usually unexpected
And it envelopes you

You'll be forced to listen to my personality and my call

Until you become enclosed in everything else you're afraid of
The dark holds your freedom

Because you can hear my voice and hear my movement
You can't hear my smile and you can't hear my touch

And refuses to return it to you

I'll always be more than enough... In the dark

At night dark becomes powerful
Because there is no escape

Everyone's equal, you don't have to be shy.
It's so much easier to cry without light

No amount of light is bright enough to ***** out the dark.

You and I have the same amount of pride.

The dark holds you
In an intricate web of danger and exposure to things unseen
Worst of all,
The dark holds me
And I, do not enjoy being held by things.

Why is everyone looking for the light?
When it's so much easier living at night.

**In the dark

I only like to be looked at through foggy glass windows
Or maybe fun house mirrors
I only like to be touched with clothes on
After all these years
I only like to be looked at
Through finger painted hearts
Because looking through me when I was small
Is seeing me as art
I only like to heard through blurry cassette tapes
So you can't hear demons
Over the sounds of static hate
I only like my soul to be read
Through a written book
Because I can hide the crazy
Between the small cranny's and nooks
I only want to be felt in a painting
Hung on Golden hooks
But nobody knows I'm golden
It's all about the looks
I never want to be seen for who I was made to be
I never want you to know
The Real Me

Take a brick
For every time someone beat you
Break a window with each one
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a match
For every scream they threw into your ears
Burn the words into dust at your feet
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a breath
For the bubbling anger inside your soul
Count to 15
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a bandage
For every broken heart
Wrap it carefully, it will heal and
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a smile
For every sad day
Wear it always like the clothes on your back
You'll feel better, I promise

Take a secret
For every one you've kept
Lets do a trade, take mine I'll take yours
You'll feel better, I promise

Take my heart
For every time you feel unloved
Don't forget the key
Read it and cherish every last drop of love
You'll feel better, I promise

It's okay to leave your makeup on overnight sometimes,
Especially when you stumble through your front door at 3 am after forgetting to kiss the man who took you out goodbye
It's okay to wear the same pants two days in a row,
Especially after you've taken 4 finals, written 6 essays, and did a 13 page paper about the KKK.
It's okay to have a crush on the boy everyone else thinks is wierd,
Especially when he likes you back and your love makes him want to be a successful person for you when you grow up together
It's okay to cry,
Especially when your father disappeared just after avoiding a diabetic coma, do not let your mother tell you it's not.
It's okay to think you're pretty,
Especially if the other girls say you aren't (You are stunning)
Its okay to feel weak,
Especially when you're burdened with the weight of what feels like the world.
It's okay to let him tell you be loves you,
Especially when he means it
It's okay to LOVE YOURSELF,
Especially when you feel worthless.
It is okay,
When you think it isn't, read this poem,
Everything is okay,
You have to believe it will be okay,
Especially when it isn't

I wanted you so bad tonight
I wanted you to grab me by the waist and pull me close
I longed for your kiss
Not just on my lips
But down my neck, past my chest
I lusted for your hands
To cover my body
Gently caressing my spine
I wanted us to push the limits
It would've been our little secret
For no one to tell
We have so many, why not add one more
My whole body ached for you
To whisper in my ear
Pull my hair
Tell me I'm amazing
I wanted you to stop me
Mid-sentence, kiss me
Beautifully
It took everything for me to stop myself
Because I know we would've been caught
But it would've been worth it
If you had just made the first move
Now here I am,
Left unsatisfied, wanting your love

"Let's go to Nome" he says
"It has the most alien sightings in the world"
"Let's get abducted together" he says
It'll be fun
And I will go with you
Because if you were abducted without me
I don't know if I could live
So, yes love, Let's go to Nome
I've always wanted to see Alaska

Lips are made for kissing, she said.
But these lips have never been kissed with the love of a savior on these dark nights
Hands are made for holding, she said.
But these hands have never been held aside from the afraid little girl sitting next to her
Hearts are made for missing, she said.
But no heart has so much as missed a beat looking for her love
Promises are made to be broken
And all of the unspoken promises hurt the most when they come shattering down like broken mirrors

So I asked her
If lips were made for kissing
And hands were made for holding
And hearts were made for missing
And promises were made to be broken

Then why do harsh words spill from my lips like scalding soup onto the feet of unexpecting victims
And why do my hands make these cuts on my very own skin as if im cutting a cake that bleeds blood as red as my sins
And why does my heart lock itself into a cage as if its a prisoner in its own mind, chain itself to my soul in an inexcapable cell
Please, tell me why the promise of pure anger, pain and suffering is left inside of me with no escape. can you tell me that.

She looked at the ground and smiled
Your lips, Your hands, Your heart and Your promises
Are those of a survivor
Cherish them, for they hold beauty unbeknownst to those who have not felt pain
But still, you were made for the purposes stated above and you must believe it.

Today my boyfriend said he loves me
My mother always told me not to say it back if it was something I didn't mean
My father always told boys only say that to get into your jeans
Taylor Swift said a boy would make me feel this way at age 15
I keep thinking about how my life should be
I didn't even want to be with someone until like age 23
But then he came along and showed me a whole new universe I had never seen
He makes me laugh and cry and scream
And I can't help but wonder what three simple words could mean
There is so much I've been told and I don't know what to believe
Three words don't mean anything
I asked him if they did and he said what do they mean to me
I said I didn't know a thing
But if I think about it, I guess it's eggs in the morning when you're hungover from the previous evening
It's being miles away and still not cheating
It's holding hands and PDA and kissing
It's yelling and tears and fighting
It's laughing and it's crying
It's climbing the ladder together, even if there are a ton of steps missing
Maybe it's just listening
Maybe it's everything
Maybe they don't mean anything
Today my boyfriend told me he loves me
I don't love him back
I said I love you too, and it's something I didn't mean
It's not that he isn't good enough..
It's just, the word love isn't big enough to express my feelings
I am enchanted
I am speechless
I am all in, head over heels
Falling down a hill
I am taken back
I am double taking
I am walking on clouds
Words are too small
Actions are too small
The universe is too small
I am too small to be loved.

Today my boyfriend said he is in love with me
I said it back, but it wasn't true.

I have a way of making myself feel better.
When I'm feeling down
Or when my self esteem is at a low point
There are certain things about myself that I love.
A positive spirit
A kind mind
I like my lips
And my eyes
The gap in my teeth
Is a pretty imperfection
My nose, may not be shaped like a button
But it's even and I love it
My nail beds are long
Which makes for easy painting
I have defined collarbones
It's the way God made me
They always say
If you don't love yourself, no one will
(Source unknown)
I'm finally trying.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwrel&v;=sLgaAE0J8vw

Let me buy you everything you need
Then let me buy you what you want
Then let me buy you what's left on the shelves
Because I love you
So I'm gonna buy you the world

I'm sorry I'm always gone
Let me buy you this camera
So we can talk while I'm at my job
I'm sorry I didn't answer
I'm working so hard so I can buy your love

I'm sorry I left you waiting
Let me buy you this car
You see then you dont have to wait
For me to drive where you are
Because I'm so busy working
So I can buy your love

Why would you think I don't care?
I'm working 3 jobs to give you everything
Here, take these precious pearls
And have this diamond ring
Please, stay with me
I can give you what you need

Let me buy your love

I would just like to say that I've seen
All the world God has given to me
I see the trees
The birds
The sky
God made them for me,
I wanted to ask him why.
The hugs
The babies
The mommies and daddies
God made my world so that I'd make him happy
But not in a selfish and greedy way.
I love my God
He brightens my day
The rain
The clouds
The sun up high
I asked for a patch and my Lord gave me a sky
He says he will deliver and I know this to be true,
He says he will deliver me and you.

His hands were wrapped around my waist last night
Not yours
His lips were against my lips last night
Not yours
Our bodies were pressed together in that bed
Not yours
He was breathing into my hair last night
Not yours
He whispered sweet nothings in my ears last night
Not yours
He carried me and ran his fingers up and down my spine last night
Not yours
But he's calling you to tell you he loves you this morning
And I have to realize,
He's not mine

All I want is to skip past the feeling like ****
Grow up, be something
I want the potential that people tell me I have
To turn into something big
I want the scars to fade
I want to be happy someday
And even if that's ALL that keeps me going
I just might be okay

At 18 he is an Adult
His eighteen years on earth have made him that
His eighteen years of growing, show offing, caring, becoming
Have made him become a man

At 15 she is still a child
Though enduring the same kind of struggle as him she is a child
Because he has endured it longer
Her fifteen years of being alive have taught her nothing compared to the three years left before adulthood

At 3 years apart they are friends
Maybe more, close enough
But darling, three years is a bit too much

Our society has an odd obsession with numbers
It also has an odd obssesion of deciding when one has been alive enough years to give consent
Shoving the idea of age down our throats as if it is the most important thing

She doesnt know what it means to love because she is far too young
I dont mean to be rude
But as a 32 year old single mother raising 3 children
do you?
Does your age define your maturity?
Because I'm not supposed to know how to say no to ***
But I do.

At 18 he is an adult
At 15 she is a child
But at what age are we allowed to fall in love?

There is a certain time
Where we experience a pain we can't escape
A pounding head
A sort of burning ache
And in these times we curl up
Take medicines to make ourselves feel numb
When all we need to do is pray to God
He feels your pain and knows it all
He will tell you what to do
Pray to God and you can't lose.

Can you see her heart?
So gentle and loving,
Hurting hands are tearing it apart.
Though her face may not be perfect,
(Nobody's is)
She is NOT worthless,
She is much better than ****.
But that's how she feels,
She didn't have the loving mother you grew up with
She didn't have the daddy to have a tea party with.
Her tea party's turned into smoke sessions,
She grew up so fast.
We're so quick to judge by someone's appearance.
Rather than saying "I hate the things she does"
We say "I hate HER"
But she is innocent, living based on what she sees.
But you can't see her heart.
Gentle and loving while harmful things tear her apart.

Simon Says
Do not treat your yourself as an object
But do not object when others treat you as one

Simon Says
Do not hurt yourself
But do not react when someone else does

Simon Says
Do not listen to those who say you cannot
But do not show them you can

Simon Says
Be yourself
But only under the cover of being alone

Simon Says
Hold your ground
But bow down when those above you walk by

Simon Says
Your Morals are important
Unless they contradict mine

So remain original
But fit in with the crowd

Society Says

When you kissed my lips
It flew through my entire body
Like a drug
And I was so high
Off of your touch
As your hands wrapped themselves around my waist
I succumbed to your love
Up and down they coasted along my legs
Soft as a feather
Gentle as beautiful weather
And when you stopped to breathe
You whispered like the wind in my hair
I Love You

Your sitting there cuddled up on the couch with my best friend
Some brother
You say she's different, you actually like her
And I'm so happy that you found someone who makes you happy
And I found someone too, he makes me happy
And he's your friend
And for some reason that offends you
But I don't understand
The story doesn't work both ways?
"I know what teenage boys want"
Well the girls want the same thing
And I want your support,
Just like I support you
But I guess I don't deserve it
And you do?
Some brother
All I want is to be your equal
Be a **** brother

I have this perfect idea of a person in my head
Who loves the things I love
Who writes with me, draws with me, paints with me.
Someone with soft hair I can run my fingers through.
Who thinks it's cool I want a million tattoos,
Who doesn't mind doing illegal things
Like tagging, drinking and "burning trees"
Who doesn't care that sometimes I just don't have the energy to do my hair
And sometimes I like to walk around in my underwear,
Someone who knows I can't always be perfect
But still believes I am,
Who will tell me when I'm wrong but behind me they'll stand
Who will hold me when I cry
Wipe the tears from my eyes
Someone who will help me when I feel incomplete
Someone to take me farther than his bed sheets
Someone who loves carnivals, And can only Tolerate clowns
Who will be there through the ups and downs.
When I get angry they'll calm my mind
With a kiss and Love I don't have to search for to find.
I'm so afraid that when this person comes I won't notice
I'll be too busy chasing these other fools, I just know it.
He'll knock me right of my feet
And say something clever like "I know you've been waiting for me"
Then he'll go sweet
And make me weak in the knees
He'll apologize for being late
Then he'll fall in love with me

It had been said that writing is the window to the soul
As if our souls have been locked in the houses of our bodies
The flesh and blood of empty shells that have waited so long to be embodied
When we die our bodies get put on the market
Our friends become nothing, we become the homes of maggots
We rot until the soil finishes our bones
Leaving nothing left but soft soil where we grow real live homes
Made of brick and of high plaster ceilings
Or we might grow temples, as we give our souls to some higher being, kneeling
On hardwood floors,
with concrete steps that lead up to chapel doors
And if you're not one for religion than we might build grocery stores
Lined with meats and cheeses, spilled milk on the floors
Because of toddlers who have had too much sugar
We may even build centers for children who flick their boogers
Or homes for the folks who can no longer walk
Hospitals for those we have deemed unfit because they chose not to talk
I suppose they may build whatever your soul has become
I suppose they may build a window to your soul, a literal one
If you could look into your window after death, do you think
That if you peer hard enough, close enough..
Do you think you would like what you see?


It has been said that writing is the window to the soul
As if we are locked in a prison of flesh and blood
Maybe it's why so many people feel less than enough
And maybe it's the universe's idea of punishing us
Because this whole house of flesh is covered in muscle and blood
Moving body parts, cells,thoughts and emotions like love and lust
Pushed all together supposedly the way we're supposed to be
Souls like caged animals waiting to break free
Like my rib cage can't hold the thousands of lifetimes sewn into my soul
Because a soul is too big for 342 bones to hold
With lifetimes yet to mold
If I truly am caged, there is just one more question I must ask of thee
Do I really want to be free?

If writing is a window to the soul
Then my body must be a home
But I want you to look into my eyes and tell me what you see
Because if I'm supposed to feel at home,
why does this house feel empty.

Lately it seems like everything is black and white
Like the hues of the greens and blues don't go quite right
As if the purples and reds in my head are out of sight
There are no oranges, pinks or teals in this life
The turquoise and maroons won't come out these nights
There isn't even grey, no matter how hard you fight
Because the world steals your color from time to time
Leaving you with nothing but some black and some white.

Honest Cruelty**
I talked to this kid earlier today.
He was walking down the street and I asked him where he was going, he said to Blaine, me and this kid both live about 2 cities away from Blaine, so I asked him why he was going all the way there. He said his dad ****** him off, so he was going to see his mom.
Now, I've known this kid for at least 4 years and when we first met he told me his mom died in Columbia when he was yound and he moved to America with his step-dad around age 5. Today I found out that he was lying.
His father sold him for 3 grand when he was a baby. "My pops doesn't even want me" he said. His mom left him with his step-father for years, which led him to think she was dead when she just couldn't handle the pressures of a child. "My mom doesn't either" he said. "And this ******* that has me now is pretty much a stranger who always yells and fusses and doesn't want me either"
What do you say to something like that? I don't know.. But he looked so down and so I forced him to look at me and I said "Josh, I love you. And I want you." I know it's something he needed to hear and I meant every word. He lives a few doors down from me and I know he beeded something besides a basketball. So I gave him that. It was all I could think to give him.
I just hope I did the right thing.
And I pray to God he's okay.

There was once a sheep and a dragon. The dragon loved the sheep very much, more than she loved herself, but the dragon could never express her love because she was afraid she might hurt the sheep. You see, sheep and dragons don't belong together. If the dragon were to breathe fire on the sheep's wool by accident the sheep would die. If the dragon accidentally stepped on her sheep, she would never see his handsome smiling face again, and what good would that be? So the dragon cried and cried.

Then there was the sheep. Sheep loved dragon too, but none of his sheep friends thought that he would be cool if he married a dragon. They would make fun of him, call him names and his parents would shun him. The sheep knew that the dragon could hurt him but he wasn't worried, he would wrap himself in something that wasn't flammable and he would be sure never to walk underneath the beautiful dragon. The problem was, the sheep couldn't figure out if he loved his family or Dragon more.  So he went to seek help from the wise Turtle.

Turtle lived very far from sheep, but sheep thought that the walk was worth it to find out what he should do. When he arrived at Turtle's house, he was invited in for tea and Oreos. After the small snack, Sheep got right to business and he told Turtle his predicament. Turtle laughed and shook his tiny, Turtle head. "My child," Turtle said "If you really loved Dragon, everyone else's thoughts wouldn't be important. Prove to her that she matters." Sheep shook his head. Turtle hadn't solved his problem at all! "You are NO help you crazy old turtle," yelled Sheep. And he stormed out.

A day or so later Dragon went to see wise old Turtle too. She told Turtle about how she felt about sheep. Again, the wise (and now crazy) Turtle laughed. He thought that young kids didn't understand true love. "Let go of your insecurities Dragon. Sheep loves you and he accepts everything about you, he loves the fire that you breathe, even though it can burn him sometimes and he loves your big feet even though they can stomp him sometimes." The Dragon went home thinking about what Turtle had told her.

A week later Sheep and Dragon went together to see Turtle. Sheep apologized for being so rude before and said that he thought about what Turtle said and realized that he was right. Sheep loved Dragon and that was all that mattered. Dragon blushed red, like the fire she breathed. Turtle turned toward Dragon and asked her what she had learned. Dragon said she learned that even though she may be insecure about some things, she shouldn't let that get in the way of being happy with someone that she loves. Turtle laughed for that last time in this story and said, "Love is a funny thing, sometimes we don't always see what is there" with that being said, Dragon and Sheep ran away to live happily ever after.

Golden rays
Raining down, filled with happiness.
Enough to brighten even the most stubborn old man's day.
But she won't let it touch her,
Locked in the darkness of her heart,
Refusing to break her shell,
And he loves her
Wants her to break free,
But between you and me;
It's never gonna happen.
She doesn't think she deserves happiness.
But those golden rays shine so bright,
She would know if only she'd just lift her head and see the light.

I miss those old-fashioned barber shops
The ones where everyone was welcome
You could hear stories about people who made it to the top
Never just a place to get your haircut, but a place to have fun,
filled with conversation and good memories
I spent most of my childhood in one.
And through everything in my life that went terribly wrong
The barber shop was a place that made me feel strong
Surrounded by people who loved and who cared
A place where every ounce of happiness was shared
Places like these I love the most
But I haven't seen a shop in a while, They sort of dissappeared, Like ghosts

The other day in therapy we talked about my fears.
She asked me why I was afraid of the dark.
At the time I didn't know, I've always been ,
But I've given it some thought and I've noticed
The dark holds untold secrets
It is something you cannot run from
When it comes, it is usually unexpected
And it envelopes you
Until you become enclosed in everything else you're afraid of
The dark holds your freedom
And refuses to return it to you
At night dark becomes powerful
Because there is no escape
No amount of light is bright enough to ***** out the dark.
The dark holds you
In an intricate web of danger and exposure to things unseen
Worst of all,
The dark holds me
And I, do not enjoy being held by things.