I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be
but its not what everyone else wants to see
I'm being happy and I'm being me
but everyone is flying in and making me fall like the 9/11 buildings

Their fires eat away at the insides of my soul
Slowly but surely I feel pieces of me falling, all time low
As my steel barriers melt and my heart grows cold
As my bearings break and my windows close
As the pressure builds and my walls fold

I  fall into a black pit of emptiness
It seems impossible but nevertheless
I collapsed in on myself and I'm nothing but a pile of ash

I watch my own downward spiral
I'm just glad mine hasn't gone viral
its like a mid-life crisis but I'm only 15
As if Alice's rabbit hole is no longer big enough for me

Let me tell you something,
drinking with adults is not okay
When a 23 year old man says "You can smoke my **** if your friend plays her cards right" it is not okay
When your friend plays her cards right, its not ******* okay
Nothing is okay...

But in the society we live in its okay
Your life isn't that bad
You dont suffer enough,
If your normal you get no attention
No affection.
Praised for being Emotionally and Mentally disabled,
we young girls are cutting our wrists for notes on tumblr
Thinking a prince will come and make the scars go away

BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
When people ask what they're from, what parts will you share?
Life isn't fair
So meditate
Be careful
Stop trying to make sense of it
You ******* can't.

You've never said you love me
But I've always thought you did
They say you can tell if a boy is in love
By the look in his eyes
But what does it look like

Is it a sparkle when he shows you his favorite things
Or a warmth when he's staring at you
Is it a chilling feeling
As he gazes into your soul
Or is it nothing like that at all

We sat on my step
For at least an hour,
talking about nothing.
Both of us were waiting for something.
Perhaps a kiss?
Promises to never say goodbye
But leave with just a kiss
Until next time.

Lately I have been numb
I can never write when I am numb,
and the only logical reason I have for being able to write this is the fact that it's 12 am and im drunk
but I'm still somehow able to spell out my words without constantly messing up
I dont know, maybe its magic..
Or maybe I'm falling apart again
I can write my feelings, I can write emotions, I can spell out the colors of the rainnbow in such intricate detail that you would have to read it over 3 times before you understood what I was talking about
But I wont make you do that.
Some days, I feel as if I could write a story about the way your lips curve into a smile like I've never seen before
Some days I could wrap my legs around you and bury my face it the space where your neck and shoulders meet and just relax into you
Some days I think I could rip myself apart and lay the pieces over all of your puddles to keep your shoes from getting wet,
You see, I am in love with you,
desperatly in love with you
utterly, incredibly in love with oyu.
Im hiding behind bulletproof glass windows, like the ones they have in those cop shows
and I'm staring at the mirror while you stare at me and I'm wondering what the **** is going on
I hate the thought of everyone else standing on the outside and looking in while I fall apart
And the thing is, I have no reason to fall apart,
somethimes when im riding in the car, I look out of the window and I think about killing myself,
sometimes I just tell people that im sad and i dont know why and they call me selfish
but how can i be selfish if I cann't even find myself
I got lost somw=ehwere a long time ago and I thought that I could find myself in a church on a street in a house on upton
I thought I could find myself inside a monk named bhudda, I was told he had the secrets to peace and I wanted them so badly
I though I could find myself in a book, but that only gave me a story for a few days and when I finished I was back to square one again and that kinda **** can really ******* up mentally
I thought I could find myself in a blunt and a bottle but I realized that wasn't for me when I was throwing up in showers, toilets and sinks, while a stranger held my hair back and told me not to think and when I left the bathroom some randm **** asked me if I wanted another drink, before I know it im passed out on the floor and im missing some of my clothes and thats not a good life if there ever was such a thing..
I thought I could find myself in a paintbrush but art gives me more anxiety than ever because my hands won't stop shaking from the numbness
So tonight I'll try to find myself in the bottom of a cheap dollar store wine glass, I'll try to wrap myself around the constant drum of my fingers hitting the keys because nobody seems to believe in paper and pencil anymore and tonight I will love you like I've never loved anything in this entire ******* world before,
because I think that everyone I've ever tried to love before was a fluke,
and like that one song says, they're probably broken roads that lead to you,
I'm waiting for the day I get the courage to leave my mirror and walk out of that gray walled, bullteproof window interrogation room,
The day I can finally look into your eyes and tell you how glad I am to finally meet you and ask you where the *******'ve been.

It's hard to think an anonymous person is more reliable than the one you care for.
An anonymous source, someone to spill your secrets to,
They can't judge because they're here for the same reasons as you.
And yes it's a hard thing to admit,
But the best poems come from the times you feel like ****.
And sometimes that anonymous source is all you got,
Willing to listen to every twisted, ****** up thought.
When the real person's not...
When the real ones gone
So anon is the only thing that keeps you strong
And some might say the fact he's anonymous is creepy.
But I say, all the more reason to express yourself freely.
There is no emotional tie to him
Just the thoughts he allows you to spill onto him.
No pressure because his sole purpose is to listen.
And he's always around
Ready to lift you up when your feeling down
With simple words like "Your writing is neat"
Or saying he thinks your sweet.
there isnt anything wrong with being anonymous,
As long as you don't look too far into it.

Times like these I wish I could call my dad
To describe to him in detail all the problems I have
You know, hear him say everythings going to be okay,
reminding me that I should relax and have some good days,
But I honestly can't
It's not because he's tired or asleep,
It's just that, I stress him out when he talks to me.
I don't mean to, but he asks me how I'm doing and all the problems spill out
Sometimes I wish i could just shut my big mouth.
The last time we talked about troublesome things
He had an almost stroke and blamed it on me,
And out of all the people I've hurt,
It's my pops that haunts me the worst.
But even if I could just call him and say hello it'd be nice,
But he'd pick up and say, "Have you checked the time? It's the middle if the night!"
Then promise to call back first thing in the morning
And no call would come, but the tears would come pouring
Because I just want my dad, to hold me like when I was little
Keep me from becoming bitter
Protecting me and shooing away danger
But his little girl is past hurt, there's no way he can save her,
Not like he tries
Just seeing him brings tears to my eyes
Because I don't know how long he'll be gone again
Times like these I think I should call my dad while I'm laying in bed
But I'll just write this poem scream into My teddy bear instead.

"**** yourself" she said
Too bad she didn't realize
I'm already dead

I have been told twice in one week that I am flirting with a boy
Twice in one week I have associated with a male
I have laughed at jokes I thought were actually funny
I have given well deserved hugs
I have walked away with a smile on my face
I have been told twice in one week that I am flirting with a boy
Once by my friend, who assumed I wanted to steal her "toy"
Once by my teacher who refused to take my side
I cannot simply speak to a species with different genitals
Without being called "thirsty" or "flirty"
I am not sure if anyone realizes that maybe the conversation is actually funny
Maybe I actually understand the joke
Maybe I'm engaged in conversation because it is more intellectual than talking about quilts
Maybe there is more to me than the simple teenage girl you claim to know.

We often think that the baggage we carry
Needs to be unloaded
Onto someone else
Something else
Like a hobby
Or a lover
"You can't have me if you can't handle my past"
But what, my dear,
Does your past have to do with what's near?
Did your baggage wake you up and buy you coffee this morning?
Did it put its jacket over a puddle so your shoes wouldn't get wet
Does it whisper sweet nothing's into your ear when you lie down
Tell me,
Does your baggage watch you paint
Does it love your beauty when you are vulnerable
Yet also when you're strong
Your baggage is not you

I will not lift it off of your shoulders
(Only God can do that)
But I will teach you make it weigh less
If you'd just give me the chance

Whats the difference between me and a celebrity?
Why is his signature worth more than mine?
Are we not a created equally?
Then why does he deserve a Shrine,
In a teenage girls bedroom.
As if his name is something worth screaming over,
Making all the girls swoon.
Did he get lucky from a four leaf clover?
Because in my eyes he is the same,
Just with more fake friends
That he doesnt even know by name,
Teaching kids they need to get big or its a dead end,
As if being famous is the only thing that matters
Destroying kids dreams, leaving hearts shattered.
So whats the big deal about being a celebrity?
If money replaces family
If public drunkeness is more important than sobriety,
If the only love I could ever recieve
Was someone looking at me through a television screen.

Lit it on the stove
Went outside and smoked it whole
As the black smoke caressed her lungs
The rat poison and tar instead of oxygen
She breathed deeply
Sitting on her porch serenely
Thinking of how peaceful one inhale made her feel
And the exhales too, feeling so real
As the black smoke stung the back of her throat
There is much more to life she hoped
Than sitting on your porch
Slowly killing yourself
With things that go unseen

Oh, don't even bother.
She'll be fine
A girl like her can handle herself

Maybe I can't
Maybe sometimes I ******* fall apart
Maybe my glue just stopped sticking
It's watered down with my tears
Maybe I ran out if tape
I was using it to put my soul back together
Maybe I lost the last bandage
That ***** because I was using it to hide my bruises

Sorry
**I'm not what you expected

She is only 14
Drinking straight ***** and smoking ****
Growing up wasn't so fun for her,
The typical split parents whose love just wasn't enough for her,
With 14 siblings they didn't have enough care for her
And so they buried her
In a place in the back of their heads so far away that they just forgot her.
But some still remembered her;
The step-dad that got a little too rough with her
The step-brother that thought it was okay to touch her,
With a personality built from bruises and a broken soul,
She learned to take on the world all alone..

Such a big girl now
Almost 9 years old
You're starting to notice
That the world can be cold
And you're running out of blankets
But the wind doesn't stop
You're starting to see
That pouring rain can come from just one drop

Such a big girl now
Almost 9 years young
Still enjoying life
Still having fun
But mum's always gone
And dad can only be reached by phone
You're doing your best to remain calm
But your feelings these feelings you don't even know
There's no time to talk and no where to go

Such a little girl still
Only 8 years old
Already dreaming of hurting yourself
When you've got so far to go
But don't be like me
Grow up happy and follow those dreams
Because I don't ever want to see you fall
If you do, I promise to help through it all

You're my little girl
Sometimes I get mad
Because you touch my things
But I wouldn't know what to do
Without a girl like you, see
You're worth more than gold
And I want to see you grow old.

I prefer not to feel
It feels a hell of a lot better than being sad
I prefer numb
I prefer the silence so loud that it burns through my ears
I enjoy the nothing breathing deeper than the ocean
I'd rather feel nothing than feel that feeling of almost empty in the bottom of my stomach
I hate the twists and turns of my heart
I hate the way my gut drops when you say you love me
Because I know it isn't real and it never was
There are so many lost relationships because of my issues with trust
I don't know why but feelings just get in my way
So when you say you feel something there
Please don't be angry when I say that I do not
Please understand when I avoid the question
It's not your fault
I just do not have the answer you're looking for
I would rather say nothing
Feel nothing
**Be nothing

Watching cartoons on Saturday Morning.
Go outside to play when it's pouring.
Monsters under the bed, lava on the floor.
Monsters in the closet too! Don't open that door!
Quick! It's a race to see who gets the last swing!
Trying to accomplish everything before the microwave hits zero and dings.
Smiling, laughing, you never had to worry,
But you wanted to grow up in such a hurry,
Now that you're old you wish you were young.
You forgot what it's like to just have fun.
You're all grown up and your imagination is gone,
You're too old for games because you know right from wrong,
Too old for ice cream on a special night,
Too old for everything, that's what it feels like.
It all gets to the point where you just want to run,
Run from growing up because growing up isn't fun

Happy 4th everybody
It's too bad I couldn't see the beautiful blasts of light
That put that pretty glow in the night
I couldn't even see the sky
Past the tears in my eyes
Because I'm only here to spend time with my father
But he's at work and I don't want to be a bother
I think I'm just gonna go home
After today, I'll leave you alone.

I hate being in love
Because it means constant fear
They can leave
They can lie
They can get hurt
They could die
They could hate you
They can break you
Love is cruel
Its a painful fall into something inevitably soul consuming
But love is incredible
Complete and utter trust that someone can hold
A knowing, that another person NEEDS and WANTS you
So love goes both ways
But still
I Hate being in Love

I always thought that I climbed high enough to be immune to falling down
But the whole time I wasn't climbing, I was falling and I never realized until I hit the ground
And right now the ground is soft and I'm heavy like a rock
I'm afraid I've broken through, when I never saw the lock
They say when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up.
But rock bottom hit me 48hours ago and all I can do is stare into the teacup
As I watch everything I've ever known crumble into nothing
I realize that we're all afraid of something
And when that something shows its face and we have no where else to hide
when our arms become too tired and we can no longer fight
when the battles we cannot win have become too much to bear
when something is a-coming and no safety net is there
when the only option left from running from our something is to jump off a cliff
when rock bottom can't be seen, but we see hell in the abyss
when all that's left is nothings left and we don't know what to do
Just know that if you will carry me, I will carry you.

We each take a hit
1, 2, 3,
Breathe.
How do you feel?
Lifted
Faded
Gone
High
Better...
Better?
Yeah, better.
Another hit
3, 2, 1,
Breathe
How do you feel?
Higher
Smile
Nothing to worry about.
Giggle
At the smallest things
Life feels like a dream
Tingles
Across my legs
Sweet tastes in my mouth
Heightened sense
One more hit
1, 2, 3
Choke
How do you feel?
Sick
Depressed
Angry
Sad
How do I look?
Dead

I'm so hell bent on fixing him
When I haven't even fixed myself
Fixated on a boy who wants to get inside me
It hurts because he doesn't even seem to like me
He's pretty much my Novacaine
I mean the way he affects my brain
I'm all doped up on his ******* lies
Bet I couldn't get away from him even if I tried
But it's not like I've made an attempt
Some other girl owns his heart and I'm paying that ***** rent
At the same time it could be a hallucination
After all, he is my drug and I'm not to keen on imagination
He's gotta have a good enough reason
For why his feelings change with the seasons
Maybe I'm just driving myself crazy,
But as soon as we got close enough he left me and maybe,
That just means he's afraid and needs someone to save him
Or I'm making up ****** excuses so I can have a reason to crave him
Without feeling like a little kid running after someone like her dad
Someone who leaves me alone wondering and wanting what we had
The only peace I recieve is hiding beneath these tears and sheets
Because finding peace in a person just means it hurts more when they inevitably leave
But why do I care so much
I've always given too many *****
And a while back I promised myself I'd stop
Because I'm afraid of falling and life has too many unseen drops
Kind of like a rollercoaster but you can't see it when you get to the highest point
And on the way down you scream so loud you lose your voice
Then you don't know how or who to ask if you have the right to be ornary
Because he ignores you all day, then night comes and he's *****
Well ****, I guess since I live down the street
I'm supposed to come easy like a nicely cooked piece of meat
In a restaurant for guys like you
But rather than take me on a date you'd have me shoo
I mean I guess I could leave you alone and go away
But then I'd just think about you all day
And wonder why you haven't called or texted
When I know for **** sure you have your phone but everyone says don't stress it
I dont know man
I've fallen so hard it's a struggle to stand
I guess I just refuse to see him for who he really is
A sheltered cold-hearted killer of girls who happen to like him

Most of the time daddy 'ain't there
Momma don't seem to care
Your friends just wanna bash
You wanna run away but you're outta cash
Baby, don't collapse
Your almost there, don't crash
I know it's all happening real fast
Search for God's hand to clasp
Find a better way to cope
Stop smokin' all that dope
Find a reality that's easier to grasp

Little kids are the ones who always ask,
Where did you get those scars?
"My cat scratched me"
Is my favorite reply
They look puzzled at first
As if they're wondering how the cat scratched me
With such straight lines.
I don't have the heart to say I'm lying.
Then they smile and walk away
Going about they're merry day.

Cover your mouth
For the foul things which come out
Are never to be spoken again
Quickly!
Cover your ears child
For the sounds around you
Are so very far from mild
Do not let them hurt you
Hurry!
Cover your eyes darling!
For the screaming demons have ugly faces
That may burn through your sockets
There are no familiar places
Run my sweet!
For the hounds are chasing you
No where to hide
So you MUST RUN
Cover your mouth
And do not speak of the horrors you have seen

I am from Saturday morning cartoons and giant bowls of cereal
I am from footie pajamas and cozy blankets
I am from late nights, and TV screens
I am from broken locks and and shattered window panes
I am from broken homes and shattered psyches
I am from belts, and hangers, and spikes
I am from good days and bad
I am from happy
I am from sad
I am from places where the sun tries to hide, but
I am also from places where we always find the light

I know a girl with golden hair and a face so beautiful that it turns heads,
She has the oldest soul I've ever seen and she doesn't belong here with you and me.
But she stays and she loves and she'll hold your hand,
Because she knows your struggle and wants to help in any way she can.
Watch the way she moves,
Look at the way she smiles,
She shouldn't be here and knows it,
Yet she stays. Craving to give everyone true happiness,
I know a girl with golden hair so beautiful that that sun would be jealous.
She has the oldest soul I've ever seen and she doesn't belong here with you and me.