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Nov 2014 · 595
A Letter To The One I Love
Jay Nov 2014
Lately I have been numb
I can never write when I am numb,
and the only logical reason I have for being able to write this is the fact that it's 12 am and im drunk
but I'm still somehow able to spell out my words without constantly messing up
I dont know, maybe its magic..
Or maybe I'm falling apart again
I can write my feelings, I can write emotions, I can spell out the colors of the rainnbow in such intricate detail that you would have to read it over 3 times before you understood what I was talking about
But I wont make you do that.
Some days, I feel as if I could write a story about the way your lips curve into a smile like I've never seen before
Some days I could wrap my legs around you and bury my face it the space where your neck and shoulders meet and just relax into you
Some days I think I could rip myself apart and lay the pieces over all of your puddles to keep your shoes from getting wet,
You see, I am in love with you,
desperatly in love with you
utterly, incredibly in love with oyu.
Im hiding behind bulletproof glass windows, like the ones they have in those cop shows
and I'm staring at the mirror while you stare at me and I'm wondering what the **** is going on
I hate the thought of everyone else standing on the outside and looking in while I fall apart
And the thing is, I have no reason to fall apart,
somethimes when im riding in the car, I look out of the window and I think about killing myself,
sometimes I just tell people that im sad and i dont know why and they call me selfish
but how can i be selfish if I cann't even find myself
I got lost somw=ehwere a long time ago and I thought that I could find myself in a church on a street in a house on upton
I thought I could find myself inside a monk named bhudda, I was told he had the secrets to peace and I wanted them so badly
I though I could find myself in a book, but that only gave me a story for a few days and when I finished I was back to square one again and that kinda **** can really ******* up mentally
I thought I could find myself in a blunt and a bottle but I realized that wasn't for me when I was throwing up in showers, toilets and sinks, while a stranger held my hair back and told me not to think and when I left the bathroom some randm **** asked me if I wanted another drink, before I know it im passed out on the floor and im missing some of my clothes and thats not a good life if there ever was such a thing..
I thought I could find myself in a paintbrush but art gives me more anxiety than ever because my hands won't stop shaking from the numbness
So tonight I'll try to find myself in the bottom of a cheap dollar store wine glass, I'll try to wrap myself around the constant drum of my fingers hitting the keys because nobody seems to believe in paper and pencil anymore and tonight I will love you like I've never loved anything in this entire ******* world before,
because I think that everyone I've ever tried to love before was a fluke,
and like that one song says, they're probably broken roads that lead to you,
I'm waiting for the day I get the courage to leave my mirror and walk out of that gray walled, bullteproof window interrogation room,
The day I can finally look into your eyes and tell you how glad I am to finally meet you and ask you where the *******'ve been.
Mar 2014 · 637
Lovely
Jay Mar 2014
Today my boyfriend said he loves me
My mother always told me not to say it back if it was something I didn't mean
My father always told boys only say that to get into your jeans
Taylor Swift said a boy would make me feel this way at age 15
I keep thinking about how my life should be
I didn't even want to be with someone until like age 23
But then he came along and showed me a whole new universe I had never seen
He makes me laugh and cry and scream
And I can't help but wonder what three simple words could mean
There is so much I've been told and I don't know what to believe
Three words don't mean anything
I asked him if they did and he said what do they mean to me
I said I didn't know a thing
But if I think about it, I guess it's eggs in the morning when you're hungover from the previous evening
It's being miles away and still not cheating
It's holding hands and PDA and kissing
It's yelling and tears and fighting
It's laughing and it's crying
It's climbing the ladder together, even if there are a ton of steps missing
Maybe it's just listening
Maybe it's everything
Maybe they don't mean anything
Today my boyfriend told me he loves me
I don't love him back
I said I love you too, and it's something I didn't mean
It's not that he isn't good enough..
It's just, the word love isn't big enough to express my feelings
I am enchanted
I am speechless
I am all in, head over heels
Falling down a hill
I am taken back
I am double taking
I am walking on clouds
Words are too small
Actions are too small
The universe is too small
I am too small to be loved.

Today my boyfriend said he is in love with me
I said it back, but it wasn't true.
Jay Feb 2014
There once was a man whose name was Moonie
He was a very handsome man
His skin was sun kissed, dark like a brown bears fur, soft like a baby's curl
And oh, the way his hair curled
Moonie had hair that grew outward instead of downward
His smile was as white as the snow capped mountains
His heart as warm as the coast of Australia, all year round
He smelled like matches and Dark Horse cigarettes
Like everything warm
He dressed like a professional troublemaker
His laugh came from his stomach when he laughed real good
And I've never heard him laugh bad
He loved like a father
Protected like a brother
Teased like a sister
And worried like a mother
He cursed like a sailor
But only when he was angry
Moonie had a fuse so long that if you lit it in January, it would take a whole 365 days for him to explode
But by the time 365 days past it was a matter that didn't really matter anymore
He had a mind like a turtle
He thought thoughtfully, slow and subtle
But he spoke like he knew every wonder of the world
He kissed babies and broke bottles on the backs of ships carrying soldiers off to war
Even though he was confused about what they were fighting for
Moonie spoke of peace and of hope for future souls
He loved everything from the edges of the universe
To the coral that grows in the deepest of the oceans coves
Moonie met a girl, who brought a whole lot of sunshine to his world
She made the lips of his mouth curl
Upward, it was a beautiful sight, especially with teeth that white
Moonie met a girl, he swears by the stars that she is incredible
Magnificent
Wonderful
Beautiful
Terrific
He says she makes his heart 10 times larger, like it's flowing out so much love that it makes his nose runny,
He calls her Sunny

There once was a girl named Sunny
She was a very beautiful girl
She had curly brown hair that fell just short of her shoulders
Skin that was kissed by the angels themselves
If you believe that kind if thing exists
She dressed like an artist
The kind that like to paint masterpieces
With every curve of the brush
She smelled like summer, like home, like sunshine peaking through rain clouds
She planted roses for those she lost,
In hopes of continuous growth and beauty
She spoke with the authority of an officer
But also with the gentleness of a butterfly
Her personality was layered like a Russian doll
And as you opened up every part of her she grew so very small
But not small in the bad way,
She was wise like an owl
But she was happy like a child at play
She cared like the ocean cares for sea creatures that swim in its depths
She cried like it was always rainy season
She laughed with a sadness in her eyes that was easy to detect
But she was happy
And she loved a man named Moonie
And he made her happy
And she swears on the rings that circle Saturn
That he is the most beautiful man on the planet

Sunny and Moonie lived together in a cozy home by the ocean
Where it was never too hot or too cold
They had a beautiful garden, that sprouted all different kinds of things,
Pumpkins that grew tomatoes
Watermelon that grew on trees
Potatoes that grew above the ground
Flowers with yellow stems and baby blue leaves
Beautiful birds flew around, bluejays with mocking jay wings
Their family was the world around them and they wanted and needed for nothing
Moonie was so happy
Sunny was so lovely
The things that they did, how incredibly they lived
How wonderful life had become
When moonie and sunny both lived as one

Then one day when Moonie was down by the beach
Sunny was in their little green house, fast asleep
Moonie slipped on a snail shell and fell into the pretty sea
When it got late Sunny worried and went to see
She called and she called
Moonie was nowhere to be found
He had fallen asleep forever, in the ocean's underground
The sharks and the octopus found Moonie and buried him deep
The sea urchin said we must bring him back!
But the turtle insisted that we must let him sleep
The flounder found Sunny by the shore and they brought her the news
The look in her eyes was as if her heart had been bruised
She look to the sky as dark clouds rolled in
The raindrops dropped to the rhythm of the tears on her skin
Her Moonie was gone forever in the ocean blue
She threw herself into the ocean saying take me with you
The flounder, the turtles, the mer-people and creatures of the sea
Tried to stop her from suffering the same fate as her dear Moonie
But she would let them save her as she fell into the deep,
Whispering, I love my Moonie and my Moonie loves me
She sank and she sank
She fell and she fell
She floated right next to her love
In the oceans pink sand
The most beautiful death in all of the land
Moonie swore by the stars that his Sunny was magnificent
And Sunny swore by the rings on Saturn that Moonie was the most beautiful man on the planet
They died together but they're souls rose separately
Moonie rose for the night
His love rose for the day
Sunny became the Sun
Moonie became the light that snuffed out the darkness of that day
And as they lived in their respective spots in the sky
They saw each other from time to time
They might have been punished for loving too much
Or they might've loved so much that the universe needed them to take care of us
For the Moon now takes care of the oceans tide
And the Sun takes care of you and I
I think Sunny and Moonie had it right
Even though they no longer see each other everyday,
their love is something you don't have to look so far to find
Maybe that's why you sometimes find the Moon and the Sun in the same sky
They're so close to finding each other, but they have so little time
Jay Feb 2014
If you decide to buy me flowers
I may press them in my hardcover copy of Shel Silverstein
Because I know that it's your favorite book of poems to read
If you decide to kiss me goodnight
I may kiss you back
Because self-control among other things is what I lack
If you decide to hold the door open for me
I may walk through
Because that's the polite thing to do
If you decide to hold my hand
I may grab yours and hold it close
Because we fit so perfectly and it would be hard for me to let go
If you decide to tell me you love my curly hair
I may wear it that way
Because I don't get complimented on it everyday
If you decide you want to pay for the date
I will not touch the check
Because it's not classy and I'm classy as heck

But if you decide to say that you love me
I may not return the statement
Because you might not feel that way,
Once you see the demons I keep in my basement.
Jan 2014 · 1.2k
Soulless
Jay Jan 2014
It had been said that writing is the window to the soul
As if our souls have been locked in the houses of our bodies
The flesh and blood of empty shells that have waited so long to be embodied
When we die our bodies get put on the market
Our friends become nothing, we become the homes of maggots
We rot until the soil finishes our bones
Leaving nothing left but soft soil where we grow real live homes
Made of brick and of high plaster ceilings
Or we might grow temples, as we give our souls to some higher being, kneeling
On hardwood floors,
with concrete steps that lead up to chapel doors
And if you're not one for religion than we might build grocery stores
Lined with meats and cheeses, spilled milk on the floors
Because of toddlers who have had too much sugar
We may even build centers for children who flick their boogers
Or homes for the folks who can no longer walk
Hospitals for those we have deemed unfit because they chose not to talk
I suppose they may build whatever your soul has become
I suppose they may build a window to your soul, a literal one
If you could look into your window after death, do you think
That if you peer hard enough, close enough..
Do you think you would like what you see?


It has been said that writing is the window to the soul
As if we are locked in a prison of flesh and blood
Maybe it's why so many people feel less than enough
And maybe it's the universe's idea of punishing us
Because this whole house of flesh is covered in muscle and blood
Moving body parts, cells,thoughts and emotions like love and lust
Pushed all together supposedly the way we're supposed to be
Souls like caged animals waiting to break free
Like my rib cage can't hold the thousands of lifetimes sewn into my soul
Because a soul is too big for 342 bones to hold
With lifetimes yet to mold
If I truly am caged, there is just one more question I must ask of thee
Do I really want to be free?

If writing is a window to the soul
Then my body must be a home
But I want you to look into my eyes and tell me what you see
Because if I'm supposed to feel at home,
why does this house feel empty.
Jan 2014 · 1.0k
Footsteps
Jay Jan 2014
We usually look ahead
Ahead to the future
Ahead to what's next
What's coming up
We see happy homes and
Financial security
We see the mark we want to make on the world
We see everyone else's footsteps
Sometimes we choose to look to the side
We see friendships that are as sure as there is snow on the ground in wintertime
We notice the beauty in a lovers eyes
We see children, we see the marks already made by someone else
We rarely look behind
We want to leave out mark on the world
We want people to remember us for something
We see everyone else's footsteps but we do not see our own
We do not see the smiles we've created
We do not see the lives we have saved
We do not see our footsteps because we do not choose to look back
"Leave the past in the past"
This statement is proven to be smart
But what we fail to see
Is that our footsteps can make art
If you take a second each and every day
You might see the impact that you've made
Because sometimes we imprint in the sand or in the snow
And sometimes it fades away. But the earth underneath will always know
You are special
You are beautiful
You are kind
And the imprint of your footsteps is something you should keep in mind
Jan 2014 · 408
You and I
Jay Jan 2014
Sweat,
Sharp breaths
Not letting go yet,
You and I
Pressed against each other,
Nothing in between.
Strokes on your back,
Kisses on your neck,
Never ready for what pleasures come next
Finishing with no common sense
Then we're back at it again.
Worn out,
Eyelids heavy
Smoke a blunt
Let go already
No feelings
No worries
You and I
It happens every time
No metaphors
No flowers
No cards, no love,
Just ***
Just smoke
Just the inhales and the exhales
Just us
Dec 2013 · 1.0k
Good At Being Nothing
Jay Dec 2013
I prefer not to feel
It feels a hell of a lot better than being sad
I prefer numb
I prefer the silence so loud that it burns through my ears
I enjoy the nothing breathing deeper than the ocean
I'd rather feel nothing than feel that feeling of almost empty in the bottom of my stomach
I hate the twists and turns of my heart
I hate the way my gut drops when you say you love me
Because I know it isn't real and it never was
There are so many lost relationships because of my issues with trust
I don't know why but feelings just get in my way
So when you say you feel something there
Please don't be angry when I say that I do not
Please understand when I avoid the question
It's not your fault
I just do not have the answer you're looking for
I would rather say nothing
Feel nothing
**Be nothing
Dec 2013 · 462
Not Lost (15w)
Jay Dec 2013
I am not a damsel in distress
I can save myself
If its ever needed
Dec 2013 · 694
I am from poem
Jay Dec 2013
I am from Saturday morning cartoons and giant bowls of cereal
I am from footie pajamas and cozy blankets
I am from late nights, and TV screens
I am from broken locks and and shattered window panes
I am from broken homes and shattered psyches
I am from belts, and hangers, and spikes
I am from good days and bad
I am from happy
I am from sad
I am from places where the sun tries to hide, but
I am also from places where we always find the light
Dec 2013 · 2.4k
Assumptions
Jay Dec 2013
I have been told twice in one week that I am flirting with a boy
Twice in one week I have associated with a male
I have laughed at jokes I thought were actually funny
I have given well deserved hugs
I have walked away with a smile on my face
I have been told twice in one week that I am flirting with a boy
Once by my friend, who assumed I wanted to steal her "toy"
Once by my teacher who refused to take my side
I cannot simply speak to a species with different genitals
Without being called "thirsty" or "flirty"
I am not sure if anyone realizes that maybe the conversation is actually funny
Maybe I actually understand the joke
Maybe I'm engaged in conversation because it is more intellectual than talking about quilts
Maybe there is more to me than the simple teenage girl you claim to know.
Dec 2013 · 1.1k
What I can see
Jay Dec 2013
Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws that we try so hard to hide
My friend once told me that she hated the color of her eyes
Just because they weren't the color gray or maybe green
Her exact words, "Brown eyes are so boring and mainstream"
My eyes are brown

Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws that we try so hard to hide
My sister once said she wanted to work out whenever I did
Even though she is just a 9 year old kid
Her exact words "I wanna look like you and weigh 103"
I weigh somewhat close to 130

Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws we try so hard to hide
My cousin said she wishes she had straight hair
She thought maybe her dad would be there
Her exact words "maybe if my hair was straight like daddy's he would love me"
My hair is also curly

Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws we try so hard to hide
I know your flaws are different from mine
And we can forget them, from time to time
But when you're around me
I want you to see what I can see
I love the fact that your eyes aren't green
Brown is a beautiful eye color to me
I love that you weigh so much more than 102
Because if you weighed any less I wouldn't know what to hold on to
And even if you weighed 95 pounds maybe minus point 5
I would find you in my sheets, your heartbeat would be my guide
If your hair didn't curl I wouldn't know what to play with
And even if it was bone straight, I might learn how to braid it
I don't love your flaws, I'm not romanticizing your insecurities
But there are more important things to care about, so many beautiful things to see

I know you could be so happy
If you saw what I can see.
Dec 2013 · 858
Someone Else's Husband
Jay Dec 2013
When I went to church camp, a pastor said,
"Be careful who you fall in love with, he may be someone else's husband"
For a while these words have been stuck in my head.
You might be someone else's husband, I may be another someone's wife
But I want to forget someone else, even if it's just for the night.
The problem is that when I hold you, we don't fit quite right,
I mean we used to, but not tonight,
I have to start to think,
You just might not,
Belong to me.
If you don't, thats okay
I will learn to live another day
But if tomorrow doesn't come,
Will I be alright?
Will I learn to love you, just for the night?
If my sun does not rise, but yours does after the setting of the moon,
Is it even possible to be the husband of two?
Buddha says I will be happy if I do not have desire
But **** that, and **** nirvana, only you can bring me higher.
Drake says we get high just to balance out our lows
If I'm willing to throw away my religion, is there anywhere else to go?
Because even with the drugs, even with the shame,
Even after I've lost all peace and succumbed to the pain
Will you remain?
Or will I call you someone else's husband?
Even though tonight you hold MY hand...
Dec 2013 · 584
I'm okay
Jay Dec 2013
I just don't understand
There is nobody else
No other girl
You said I was pretty
You held my hand
You used to smile when you saw me
Told me you liked me
But actions speak louder than words
And your actions have said literally nothing to me
For the past few weeks
I just don't know what to think
I know there isn't another girl
I know you saw me, all of me,
And decided it wasn't good enough,
But that's okay, because it wasn't
But it is now
And I'm okay.
Don't be sorry
I'm okay
Nov 2013 · 798
To Be Skinny
Jay Nov 2013
Only one plate? said mother
Is that all you're going to eat?
You said,
I've got to save some room for the treats.
That's a tiny piece of cake. said mother,
Are you sure you don't want another
You said,
Well, we have to save room for the others.
Are you sick? said mother
As she opened the bath room door
She saw you shove your finger down your throat
Then you threw up all over the floor.
I'm so sorry, said mother.
Your sad because it isn't her fault
She encouraged full figures
But a stomach is something you didn't want.
I knew you were getting so small, said mother.
I should've said something
And you began to cry
Because what she could've said would've meant nothing.
Mother called father not knowing what do do,
Instead of helping, father came screaming into your room,
You're going to start eating young lady! Father shouts
If you don't then we will have a problem,
Then he slammed the door on his way out.
You wonder what you should do as you sit upon your bed,
Should you allow daddy to hurt you?
Or get fat instead?
Maybe, just maybe, you think
You'd be better off dead..
Nov 2013 · 1.9k
It's okay
Jay Nov 2013
It's okay to leave your makeup on overnight sometimes,
Especially when you stumble through your front door at 3 am after forgetting to kiss the man who took you out goodbye
It's okay to wear the same pants two days in a row,
Especially after you've taken 4 finals, written 6 essays, and did a 13 page paper about the KKK.
It's okay to have a crush on the boy everyone else thinks is wierd,
Especially when he likes you back and your love makes him want to be a successful person for you when you grow up together
It's okay to cry,
Especially when your father disappeared just after avoiding a diabetic coma, do not let your mother tell you it's not.
It's okay to think you're pretty,
Especially if the other girls say you aren't (You are stunning)
Its okay to feel weak,
Especially when you're burdened with the weight of what feels like the world.
It's okay to let him tell you be loves you,
Especially when he means it
It's okay to LOVE YOURSELF,
Especially when you feel worthless.
It is okay,
When you think it isn't, read this poem,
Everything is okay,
You have to believe it will be okay,
Especially when it isn't
Nov 2013 · 489
Poets
Jay Nov 2013
I know the poets like you know your favorite rap artists
I can recite their poetry in the same way you sing your favorite song
You find peace within the intricate design of instruments playing together
Strings, drums, piano pieces sending electric, warming sensations underneath your skin
Your very bones quiver against the sound of the base dropping into your soul
I know the poets like you know your favorite movies
I can recite their poetry in the same way you quote Mean Girls every word
I find solace in words
I find remedy in the relaying of pain onto paper
There is no peace within the confines of the mind, but inside the soul there is kindness quite like it
Sometimes when the music is too loud
When the beat of the drums stops moving my soul
Poetry picks up the pieces that your base dropped
When the words become nothing but repitition
I find my release
Nov 2013 · 546
Hell In The Abyss
Jay Nov 2013
I always thought that I climbed high enough to be immune to falling down
But the whole time I wasn't climbing, I was falling and I never realized until I hit the ground
And right now the ground is soft and I'm heavy like a rock
I'm afraid I've broken through, when I never saw the lock
They say when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up.
But rock bottom hit me 48hours ago and all I can do is stare into the teacup
As I watch everything I've ever known crumble into nothing
I realize that we're all afraid of something
And when that something shows its face and we have no where else to hide
when our arms become too tired and we can no longer fight
when the battles we cannot win have become too much to bear
when something is a-coming and no safety net is there
when the only option left from running from our something is to jump off a cliff
when rock bottom can't be seen, but we see hell in the abyss
when all that's left is nothings left and we don't know what to do
Just know that if you will carry me, I will carry you.
Oct 2013 · 413
What People Say
Jay Oct 2013
People always say
do what makes you happy
but what if the things that make me happy,
also tear me down
They always say
take the road less traveled
but I lost all roads about ten miles back
or maybe forward
I wouldn't know.
Oct 2013 · 831
Why am I a Buddhist?
Jay Oct 2013
At least 4 people have asked me this question in the last 10 minutes. This is the answer.

As a child, I grew up learning that God is who I should follow. That he will lead you into paradise, and you will rest in his kingdom. At the age I am now, I'm choosing to disagree. I don't believe in a higher power. I don't believe there is someone watching over me, I don't believe someone has already calculated my every step. It's hard for me to grasp the concept of it. I know that it is a scary thought that there won't be a hand to hold throughout my life, but I can hold my own.
But Why Buddhism?
I'm assuming everyone has different goals of life. My main goal is to be happy. That is literally all I ask for. Happiness. Shooting star? I wish for happiness. 11:11? I wish for happiness. It's been that way since I was a little girl. Buddhism uses meditation and the teachings of Buddha to set a path for your life. It teaches to look into yourself to find what you need. Things like compassion and kindness come from inside. In my religion I am not put against an almighty being. I have no one to be compared to but myself and in knowing this, I can know that I can grow into who I am supposed to be. I believe in reincarnation, I have even before I learned what Buddhism was. I always thought you were reincarnated until you lived a perfect life and went to heaven. Now I believe that you are shooting for Nirvana, not some place in the sky. i am not bashing any other religion I used to believe in it. There is more to it than this, but I'm not trying to write a paper about it.

Everyone is entitled to their views and opinions. I only hope that my choices don't make me lose the friends I love and care for, but if they do, I didn't have them as friends in the first place and I understand their choices too.

Stay Peaceful,
Jay
Oct 2013 · 404
I will
Jay Oct 2013
What is religion?
The worship of a God who claims to be all merciful
Who promises paradise to the faithful
Honey, you don't need religion
You just need something to believe in
You need a hand to lift you when time gets tough
You need something to save you when you've had enough
Why do you need a reason to be good?
You live based on what a man wrote in a book
Believe me, I did the same thing
But the difference between you and me
Is that I am truly free
No longer held by a bond that says I cannot be myself
My goal is to achieve peace without His help
My books were written by men who lived stressful lives
But instead of forcing prayer and creating lies
They taught hope and peace that you can find from inside
Because one day when your God decides he no longer wants to answer
One day when your God decides it's the end for your existence
One day when his mercy runs out and your people are no longer standing
I will.
You say your God has everlasting love?
But he created you knowing whether or not you would get to heaven or hell
You are a pawn in his game,
I was too, but I became queen
I've won this game, no need for kings.
I don't mean to bash a religion that I once loved
I just wish you could see how far I've come
I'm so close to finding my inner peace
So much closer to finding me
I'll see you in Nirvana
Oct 2013 · 583
Thoughts..
Jay Oct 2013
What really ***** is when you're so sad that getting up tomorrow morning feels like it won't happen. When it physically pains you to open your eyes. You feel ******? You dont know the ******* half of it. You dont know what its like to only feel good when you're high or drunk or on the verge of losing your virginity to someone else. You have no ******* idea how it feels to constantly have to SURVIVE. You're never really living because all you can focus on is what you're doing wrong. When your future is so far away, yet so ******* close, when everything you do right now affects that future, its hard. When you actually feel sore throughout your entire body because of how much you cried last night. When you constantly feel numb and shut yourself off from everybody, then you can tell me how ****** it is that your mother loves you and your father cares about who you're with. When you feel how a depressed ,suicidal person feels, you can tell me how sad you are because your parents didn't buy you the car you wanted. But for now, leave me alone.
Oct 2013 · 804
9/11
Jay Oct 2013
I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be
but its not what everyone else wants to see
I'm being happy and I'm being me
but everyone is flying in and making me fall like the 9/11 buildings

Their fires eat away at the insides of my soul
Slowly but surely I feel pieces of me falling, all time low
As my steel barriers melt and my heart grows cold
As my bearings break and my windows close
As the pressure builds and my walls fold

I  fall into a black pit of emptiness
It seems impossible but nevertheless
I collapsed in on myself and I'm nothing but a pile of ash

I watch my own downward spiral
I'm just glad mine hasn't gone viral
its like a mid-life crisis but I'm only 15
As if Alice's rabbit hole is no longer big enough for me

Let me tell you something,
drinking with adults is not okay
When a 23 year old man says "You can smoke my **** if your friend plays her cards right" it is not okay
When your friend plays her cards right, its not ******* okay
Nothing is okay...

But in the society we live in its okay
Your life isn't that bad
You dont suffer enough,
If your normal you get no attention
No affection.
Praised for being Emotionally and Mentally disabled,
we young girls are cutting our wrists for notes on tumblr
Thinking a prince will come and make the scars go away

BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
When people ask what they're from, what parts will you share?
Life isn't fair
So meditate
Be careful
Stop trying to make sense of it
You ******* can't.
Oct 2013 · 856
Sanity.
Jay Oct 2013
Man, oh man.
Not this **** again.
Now I'll be torn between the two.
Make up some elaborate story in my head for me and you
Should I pick this guy?
He makes me laugh.
Should I pick that guy?
he's got money, even though that's not everything...
its more than half.
Lets put them on a rubric.
Whoever scores highest wins my hand.
But the boys have a different plan.
Seems like, whoever scores highest wins a hand down my pants.
But I went ahead and set my self up.
Acting like I'm surprised that they wanna ****.
Because I chose to ignore the obvious signs that they weren't up to much....

Do insane people notice it when they go insane?
Because half of my brain thinks these boys want me,
but the other half knows its really me who wants them
And half of me thinks I might be a little off my rocker
but the other half knows to keep that bolted in a locker.
Do the insane conceal their crazy parts until explosion?
As if they ****** eats away like natural erosion.
Do they feel it happening?
Can they see their own symptoms,
and hide it, until one poor victim,
glances into the soulless eyes of the crazy murderer of hearts
Saying "I allow myself to be torn apart"
Oct 2013 · 4.2k
If I should have a Son
Jay Oct 2013
If I should have a son,
Instead of mom, he's gonna call me Support
That way he knows, no matter what happens, I'll be there to hold open the heavy doors.
And I'm gonna paint the solar systems on the fronts of his game controllers
So he has to learn the entire universe before he can say "I'll school you in that!"
And he's gonna learn that this life will bury you
Deep
Underground
Wait for you to claw your way out just to throw dirt in your eyes
But not being able to see which way is up is the only way to remind your pupils how much they enjoy the beauty of this earth
And there is hurt here, that cannot be fixed by alcohol or drugs
So when he realizes Superman isn't coming, I'll make sire he doesn't have to wear the cape all by himself
"And sweetie" I'll tell him, "dont let your head get so big"
I know that trick, I've seen it a million times,
you're just looking to impress that pretty ******* the cheer squad who picks on other kids to adjust her own self worth
Or better yet, date the girls getting picked on, then dump her to adjust YOUR self worth.
But I know he will anyways
So I'll always keep an extra supply of "I taught you betters" and "Treat girls rights"
Even though all boys learn that at a young age...
Okay, most boys don't,
But that's what moms are for
They'll teach you to be amazing husbands if you let them.
When he opens his hands to catch, and drops the ball
When the girl he likes says no to going on that date with him
when it feels like the world is crashing in
Those are the days he has all the more reason to say thank you,
because there is nothing more beautiful than the way the sun refuses to stop kissing the horizon, no matter how many hours it must spend spinning away.
And yes, on a scale of one to greatest, moms pretty much know it all
But I want him to know that this world will throw curveballs that I can't see
And he can't be afraid to put on his mitt and catch it himself
"And sweetie" I'll tell him
Remember your momma is a queen, and your poppa is a king
and you are the boy with big eyes and a willing heart who never stops trying
Your aren't big yet, but don't stop growing
And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip peer pressure and sin under your door and give you hand outs on street corners of druggies and defeat.
you tell them
that they really outta meet
Your Mother
My version of "If I should have a daughter x Sarah Kay"
Oct 2013 · 392
I will be happy
Jay Oct 2013
I don't use the blades anymore
Instead, my mind becomes the blade
My psyche resembles my wrists
because I'd rather you see the blood in my eyes
Than drenching through my sheets at night
I'm getting so sick of this blood and tear stained bed
I've resolved to keep it all in my head
because I know what happy boys do when they see scars
When they see a flicker of the perfect girl being imperfect
They run, as far as their happy legs can take them
they run to the smiling girl,
But I can be your smiling girl
I won't show you my sad
I won't show you my numb
I won't show you anything that isn't perfect.
Instead, when I'm feeling down
I'll run to the bookstore
And sit on a comfy chair in the poetry section,
You'll never find me there
because you don't know that I love books or poetry
because you think I wouldn't be caught dead in a bookstore
because you think that tea is too bitter.
So I won't show you anything other than what you want to see
and when you're here to stay,
I will be happy.
Sep 2013 · 793
Know Me
Jay Sep 2013
If you really knew me,
you'd know that I hate myself
that behind the music of my conceited mind
the heart strums a separate tune
like the secrets of self hate an image
behind a broken mirror
glued together with tears
if you really knew me,
you'd know that I hate who I am.
I hate that my mind knows what is right
and what is wrong
yet I choose the rocky path to go along
and every rock is another bad decision made
until I decide to turn around when its too late
but if you really knew me,
you'd know that I sit at a small round table
just above my hell
surviving only with EarlGreyTea and poetry
coping, desperately hoping, that my fragile plastic chair wont break
so until you really know me,
shut the **** up
Sep 2013 · 700
They All Go One Day
Jay Sep 2013
Everyone eventually leaves
No matter how many times they say they won't
No matter how many forevers
Or forgives and forgets
Or this isn't over yet
Sometimes the I'll be backs
Turn into I got caught up
Turns into I don't have the time
Turns into the last goodbye
Turns into the "missed" calls
When I know you didn't bother to pick up at all
One day everyone will walk out
Like they've had enough and it's time to go
And you've been waiting since rainy season,
Now it's starting to snow
That's from spring till winter in case you didn't know
And you're still standing at that window looking for who you need most
But I promise you
Everyone eventually leaves
Like they have better things to do than listen to you
Whine
And *****
And moan
Like they have made you sit and listen to their ****
Like I just need to leave.
Please don't follow me
And everyone eventually goes
Mom, dad, the sisters you wish you had
And the ones you already have
How sad
Because strangers turn into friends
Turn into complete strangers again
Until I see you walking down the street
Exchanging how have you beens when you know **** well
You haven't been thinking of me.
Acting like you don't all eventually leave
Like the moving trucks
Ever get rusted
Knowing that we shouldn't lock them up
Soon enough their locks gonna get busted
So why waste the money.
Stop with the jokes, honey, nothing's funny
I'm not ******* around when I say they always leave
Unless they just always happen to want to leave me
If that's the case then, please
Tell me what I did wrong
To have a personality that everyone wants
To be around for about 5 minutes
Then when I'm drained out their finished
As if they ever cared in the first place
Like after they get rid of what's on their plate
It adds a double helping on mine
That might triple over time
I'm so willing to listen
But they never let Me get a word in
Like ****, calm down
Let me speak this time around
Make sure your ears are open and you hear me
Because ill be screaming at the top of my lungs
**Baby please don't leave me
Sep 2013 · 600
I think I like You
Jay Sep 2013
I think I like you
Even though you reply late at night
And go to sleep early, excusing it with "I'm tired"
And you want to have a deep conversation
But our shallow ones can't keep together, so full of complications
And I'm the only girl you need
But
You don't have enough time for me
Because homework keeps you so busy
And without Honey there are no bees
And I seem to be lacking what you consider sweet
This confusion has me standing back on my feet
Like this crap always happens to me
But
I think I like you
I think I like the movie dates
The hellos and "oh no, midnight isn't to late"
And I'm quite enjoying the "I can't waits"
For the times we'll see each other during the day
I know I like the look you give when I say hi
Friends calling it the boyfriend look when you walk by
And I don't know if you see it in my eyes
But I think I like that you make me shy
And
I think I like you
But I hate that your so much like my dad
Say things to cheer me up when I'm feeling sad
Like Jay, it isn't that bad
I mean you got me, that all you've ever needed to have
But do I have you?
Because its feeling like I don't
Like you got more important things, take note
This expression of what I'm trying to let you know
Because I think I like you
But I think I don't.
Sep 2013 · 1.6k
Nirvana
Jay Sep 2013
Someone find me peace
Find me a silence that is terrifyingly deep
Find me a white noise in the background of dreams
Find the voices and calm them please
Find the crazy and bring it to it's knees
Find a gun to shoot it between
Large eyes glowing green
Find anything that might make me feel free
If you see that I'm chained, find the key

Someone find me kindness
In the hearts of the open-minded
Find the heartless
Give them each a piece of my heart so I can hurt less
Find the tired and lonely and hardheaded
Tell them to stop making the sun shine less
Find me the the ones who make the timed tests
They need to tell me how much time I have left

Someone find my Nirvana
Sep 2013 · 983
Charlene
Jay Sep 2013
She doesn't see how pretty she is,
Especially when she laughs,
She doesn't know how happy she can be
When she isn't worried about the past
I want her to know how wonderful she is
Her company will be gone too fast
She should know that I love her
Even if she thinks no one else does
She should know that she's going to be great
Even if no one else knows
That she'll be beautiful, and create perfect things
She's the girl of the most stubborn mans dreams
Her name is Charlene
And I hope she loves where she's going
She's the first friend who will never truly leave me.
Sep 2013 · 530
Better
Jay Sep 2013
I'm doing it again
I thought I could stop
I thought I was better
I thought I didn't need anything to make me better
I thought I was happy.
But I should've known
Because once the numbness is gone
all that's left
Is the Ache
And oh boy does it ache
And im hoping this psychology class
Will teach me why I'm sad
So that I can finally get better
Jay Sep 2013
http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwrel&v;=sLgaAE0J8vw
Sep 2013 · 495
I Only
Jay Sep 2013
I only like to be looked at through foggy glass windows
Or maybe fun house mirrors
I only like to be touched with clothes on
After all these years
I only like to be looked at
Through finger painted hearts
Because looking through me when I was small
Is seeing me as art
I only like to heard through blurry cassette tapes
So you can't hear demons
Over the sounds of static hate
I only like my soul to be read
Through a written book
Because I can hide the crazy
Between the small cranny's and nooks
I only want to be felt in a painting
Hung on Golden hooks
But nobody knows I'm golden
It's all about the looks
I never want to be seen for who I was made to be
I never want you to know
The Real Me
Sep 2013 · 473
I don't understand
Jay Sep 2013
I dont get it
He's the angel child when I work so hard
There is too much blood, and sweat for me to fall down so far
Too many tears for the rope to split
Too much pain to end it all like this
But there's an invisible hand holding scissors and I don't know who it is
I'm just hoping that my rope is thick
As they saw away
Day by day
I start to get sick
There's no hope for climbing, no way up
I'm thinking my last option is to jump
Because I'm almost at the top, that means its a long way down
Hopefully I'll pass out from fear before I hit the ground
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying my best
But my best falls just short of the rest
And I'm only thinking of one way out
I could survive if this was a river, but there's been a drought
So all that remains at the bottom of my mountains
Are dried up rivers, and the seconds are being counted
In my head I'm thinking maybe if I let the thoughts win
It just might rain again.
Sep 2013 · 2.1k
What Cost?
Jay Sep 2013
They wonder why teenagers often seem to lose hope
When they shove the idea of perfection down our throats
As we get the idea that in order to be somebody we need to grow up
Because we're too young to know how to fall in love
And we're too young to know how to handle our stuff
Because our hormones control us
The therapists are asking
What in your past affects what's happening?
But it's honestly not the past, just the here and now
Seeing even the brightest of smiles turn into frowns
Taking blades to our wrists when the sun goes down
All we're told to look for is the inevitable doom
Someone tell heaven to make room
We're sending up some new angels soon
Parents are wondering how they made so many mistakes
Promising they'll do whatever it takes
But life isnt that easy, you can't heal bullet wounds with scotch tape
So if you happen to be looking for a quicker fix
This isn't it
This numbness won't be healed with your first aide kit
It's going to take more than a sorry toned in the voice of *******
Someone call the surgeons, see if they heal broken hearts
See if they mend broken families that tear us apart
Someone call the firefighters,
See if they can put out the fire
The one that burns every night
The one that scorches demons into the frames of your mind
Telling you it's okay to drag that blade
I still have my scars
But they don't come from exposed body parts
They don't come from bruises, blackened by poor excuses
And also literal ones. Ask me why I seem so far
From your reality
You don't seem like you understand me
But I guess I'm just another "Teen"
But that's what you can't see
People and animals aren't meant to be classified
Someone's fur may be softer than mine
Jealousy comes from dark parts of our minds
Bringing hate that erupts from volcanoes frozen in time
I figure you might understand if it rhymes
Because the liquor has burned holes into your mind
You've created this poorly formed shrine
Directed toward false Gods, burning your throat like wine
And I'm standing in the middle of WW3 today
It's me against my demons and they're on their way
Scream into my ears until I become deaf
And all I hear is your words telling me to crave death
But it isn't like depression is something you can play with
Does it count if sometimes my feelings shift
Is it okay if my numbness comes more often than yours
Or if my blade is hurting less than yours
If pain isn't what I crave, it's really love
Give me something to love without forcing barrels of guns
Into the mouths of innocent children in the hands of innocent killers
We're staring into the soulless eyes of the gravediggers
My graveyard shift isn't up yet
If you think this is a suicide note you're so very wrong
I just want to let you know what's going on
My head is a labyrinth and I continue to get lost
But I made it myself.
Yet at what cost?
Sep 2013 · 438
Thought Of The Day 8-31-13
Jay Sep 2013
You fall for one, they fall for another
Like dominoes we fall together.
Aug 2013 · 617
Maybe
Jay Aug 2013
I promised myself I wouldn't get high anymore
I won't light anymore bowls
Or smoke any more blunts
Or roll anymore joints
I won't French Inhale
Or show off my Cheerios
But it's a bad habit
And when I'm high I **** up
And I feel ****** in the morning
But I still smoke
Because maybe you'll love me
If I act like you
Aug 2013 · 1.8k
Fat
Jay Aug 2013
Fat
When I was in sixth or sevent grade, I'm not sure which
My health teacher gave the class some health tips
At one point he told all of us kids to look in the mirror
"Jump up and down" the next part was pretty clear
"Anything that jiggles, get rid of it, it's unwanted fat"
I mean he was my health teacher of course I believed that.
So lets do it, I'll take a look at my reflection
Jump 1, Jump 2, we're aiming for perfection
Tell me Mr. Health Teacher, does it bother you that my thighs touch
Maybe that's a sign I might be eating too much
Does it hurt you that my stomach flops around
Just hangin out there, like friends going to town
It must cause you physical pain that my arms jiggle
And I have love handles around my middle
It must really burn your ******* eyes
That you can't see between my thighs
It must **** with your heart
That when I walk it moves my lady parts
Like my ***** and my ****
BUT IT'S ******* NORMAL, so what.
I'm sorry that you don't seem to understand
That I'll eat what I want because in America I can
I'm not sorry on my behalf
I'm just sorry you must have been raised on crack
If you think you can tell me I'm overweight
Because I had an extra piece of cake at lunch today
Which is a bit over serving size
But who even invented that **** and why do they get to decide
I am not your clay model, that you can mold
What I choose to put into my body is something you cannot control
And for you to put in a child's mind that she needs to "drop a few pounds"
Is something I won't allow
Women at a young age are taught to adjust based on the ideas of a man
Excuse me Society I have a different plan
Where I love myself regardless of how "skinny" I need to be
If I excersize I will do it for ME
If I eat carrots instead of carrot cake
It will be a choice that I decided to make
Unless I'm on the verge of diabetes or a heart attack
You have no right to sit there and call me fat
Because naturally parts of me will move when I do
Even if they move a little more than you
And if I were you, I would start typing up a new curriculum
Because the one you have now is making kids dumb

That's All.
According to the hospital I'm not at all overweight. I'm 5'5 and I weigh 150 lbs which is average. In middle school I went through some depression issues and I felt disgusting, this is just ONE incident that added to it.. Why on earth would you insult a child like that?
Aug 2013 · 562
Two Sides Of Me
Jay Aug 2013
Everyone thinks I'm sad

but I'd consider myself happy

I've been in my room all day feeling kind of numb

I'm just lazy, I don't wanna get out of bed because I'm watching a good show

I haven't felt a real feeling since the start of the summer

I'm happy with you

I don't know the meaning of different moods, nothing hurts and nothing feels good

A blade? NEVER.

Maybe

Life is too good to be sad, cheer up

Explain to me why pain feels so good, explain to me why I cannot love someone, I'm purposely hurting everyone around me and I see it but its addicting and I can't stop

I'll be fine

Please, Help me.
Aug 2013 · 525
Am I Making A Mistake?
Jay Aug 2013
Like finger paintings against foggy glass
We may fade as our time runs past
Like scissors through paper, our hearts may tear
Just not as clean, not as fair
Like a deer in headlights I didn't see it coming
I didn't think I'd still be wondering
If this could actually work
Because like newborn baby's we aren't sure what to do with our voices
So we use our actions to express our choices
And we can't always get things just the way we want them
But I always feel like I have what I want with him
Aug 2013 · 596
What to do
Jay Aug 2013
I'm having trouble deciding what to do
Should I ignore this nagging sense or go talk to you
People always say
"Go for it" you won't be able to another day
But what will I even be going for?
What will I say when you open the door?
And ask me why I came
If I told you I'd feel ashamed
Because I'm the one that called it quits
But I never wanted it to end like this
When you spend a summer with someone like him
It's a pretty hard summer to forget
You made some mistakes and I just want to forgive
Because I want to be back in your arms, unaware and ignorant
You'd be surprised if I came and said hello
Because I left without warning, like get up and go
And I have no reason to be sorry but I am
Leaving wasn't really in my plans
But you hurt me so bad
And I always think about what we had
I just dont know if it's the best thing to get it back
But I want it back
I miss us against the world
Against the "it won't works" against those other girls
Because I thought I was the one
I had no idea I'd ever say we're done
But I'm stuck and I don't know what to do
Should I stay in my place or fight for you
Jay Aug 2013
The other day in therapy we talked about my fears.
She asked me why I was afraid of the dark.
At the time I didn't know, I've always been ,

I guess I've never been scared of the dark
I guess I've always loved it


But I've given it some thought and I've noticed
The dark holds untold secrets
It is something you cannot run from

You can't say I'm ugly, you can't say I'm tall

When it comes, it is usually unexpected
And it envelopes you

You'll be forced to listen to my personality and my call

Until you become enclosed in everything else you're afraid of
The dark holds your freedom

Because you can hear my voice and hear my movement
You can't hear my smile and you can't hear my touch


And refuses to return it to you

I'll always be more than enough... In the dark

At night dark becomes powerful
Because there is no escape

Everyone's equal, you don't have to be shy.
It's so much easier to cry without light


No amount of light is bright enough to ***** out the dark.

You and I have the same amount of pride.

The dark holds you
In an intricate web of danger and exposure to things unseen
Worst of all,
The dark holds me
And I, do not enjoy being held by things.

Why is everyone looking for the light?
When it's so much easier living at night.


**In the dark
Aug 2013 · 826
Loving Myself
Jay Aug 2013
I have a way of making myself feel better.
When I'm feeling down
Or when my self esteem is at a low point
There are certain things about myself that I love.
A positive spirit
A kind mind
I like my lips
And my eyes
The gap in my teeth
Is a pretty imperfection
My nose, may not be shaped like a button
But it's even and I love it
My nail beds are long
Which makes for easy painting
I have defined collarbones
It's the way God made me
They always say
If you don't love yourself, no one will
(Source unknown)
I'm finally trying.
Aug 2013 · 592
Don't Bother
Jay Aug 2013
Oh, don't even bother.
She'll be fine
A girl like her can handle herself


Maybe I can't
Maybe sometimes I ******* fall apart
Maybe my glue just stopped sticking
It's watered down with my tears
Maybe I ran out if tape
I was using it to put my soul back together
Maybe I lost the last bandage
That ***** because I was using it to hide my bruises

Sorry
**I'm not what you expected
Aug 2013 · 430
Something Else
Jay Aug 2013
Do I really need to tell you
Or do you already know

Do you have time to ask me to help you
While I'm bleeding out on the floor

Do you need me to chase you
As you run out the door

Do you need me to call for you
When I've lost my voice

Do you even need to ask me
As if I have a choice
Aug 2013 · 2.6k
My Hero
Jay Aug 2013
You have no right to say you're better than the rest
Pretending that underneath your shirt there's an S on your chest
As if I need a superhero to come save me
And believe me, I know where this is going

I've seen the Ice Man
He used to send chills down my spine
Until he froze my heart and smashed it with his bare hands
Leaving me to pick up this rigid pieces
And glue them back together
The cold still covers me on nights that are sleepless

I've seen the LavaMan
He warmed my cold, rigid soul
But one day he overheated
And left a giant steaming hole
That I can show you to this day
I'm still trying to hide it in every way

I've met IronMan
He wrapped me in precious metals to cover my bruises
When screws came undone
He made up excuses
As if his excuses could excuse my falling apart
Money can't heal a broken heart

I've felt SpiderMan
He enveloped me in his endless webs
I ended up getting lost
In the tangles of his bed
He left a mark of the smallest size
But the poison from his bite came as a surprise

I've heard the InvisibleMan
But I only felt him when he held my hand
I only knew him when I felt his touch
He didn't need me at all
Didn't even want me that much

Ive seen, heard, felt it all
So before you go on and on
About how hard I'll fall
You should know
**I don't need a ******* Hero
Aug 2013 · 1.1k
Baggage
Jay Aug 2013
We often think that the baggage we carry
Needs to be unloaded
Onto someone else
Something else
Like a hobby
Or a lover
"You can't have me if you can't handle my past"
But what, my dear,
Does your past have to do with what's near?
Did your baggage wake you up and buy you coffee this morning?
Did it put its jacket over a puddle so your shoes wouldn't get wet
Does it whisper sweet nothing's into your ear when you lie down
Tell me,
Does your baggage watch you paint
Does it love your beauty when you are vulnerable
Yet also when you're strong
Your baggage is not you

I will not lift it off of your shoulders
(Only God can do that)
But I will teach you make it weigh less
If you'd just give me the chance
Aug 2013 · 447
Silly Little Flower
Jay Aug 2013
They tell you to grow,
Feeding you and keeping you warm
Free drinks for life
They tell you you're beautiful
That the sun shines for you
That your petals are so soft
And your smell so sweet
They tell you to grow
And then they pick you
Pull you from the roots
Rip you out of the ground
Then wonder why you wilt
Wonder why you die
Wonder why you retreat into yourself

Silly little flower can't you see?
*Happy is something you just can't be
Aug 2013 · 349
Thought Of The Day 8-13-12
Jay Aug 2013
Continuously coming up short takes its toll on ones self-esteem.
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