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Jasmyn 'Ladi J' Sep 2016
...I just need to vent cause I feel like all these events are relentless...never ending in my eyes so I try to disguise my pain
Being black is exhausting but I realize that my eyes are still on the prize
Synthesized in my mind that I'm less than what I am
I push forward...maximum capacity I fathom thee opening of a plethora of new beginnings
I'm a phenomenal woman but I'm beat down...torn down...worn down
My place of homage is showing me it ain't safe to live here no more
Vacate the primacies
Shut down...lock down anyway possible
Shacked down even by our minds so far deep we don't know how to break free
So being black is so freaking exhausting
Gotta make sure everyone is comfortable around you cuz your tint is slightly darker
Don't **** nobody of cuz you may not come home
Driving while black you may not come home
Walking while black you may not come home
Eating out while black hey you just may not get good service
Social injustice flashes before our eyes everyday like a virtual but it's a shame that it's become our reality that we gotta play
It's not about panda or Timmy turner cause at the end of the day that ain't real
I see reels and reels of Trayvon Martin, Sandra Bland, Michael Brown, Eric Gardner, Tanisha Anderson, Tamir Rice, and the list goes on
My people it's valid to be angry but fight with your mind
Keep your eyes on God
Even though sometimes you forget then you remember the harsh realities that consume your mind
Then you find your back in that hole that God seems to hold you up in
"Thank you Father for your saving grace that you never seem to misplace"
I can never culminate all my feelings into one shallow place
So I put my fist up till the victory is won
Even though the feeling still pierces my soul like shard glass
Being black is stressful!
Negating the fact that I'm just as good as you
Beating me down so low that I believe it to be true
So I live it
Push through it everyday
As I cry my tears I gain more strength
I'm the hulk
No time to sulk
**** them with your poise and knowledge
Don't let your anger make you be stupid
There's beauty in my brokenness
Let it bleed through these words as I emerge a serge of a glimpse of my pain
Let the towns of blackness rain through my veins as I bleed my pain on this page
I can't let my self stand and be enraged
Caged in a sound of my life's repeated tracks in my head
Yeah being black is a trying experience but I keep my soul lifted up!
So this isn't my suicide note but a warning to those who persecute me!!
Jasmyn 'Ladi J' Feb 2014
Untold Vulnerabilities Pt. VII: The Completion but Not the End
“Cause all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you”
Questions that ping around my head like a pin ball in pool hall full of the nasty smell of fugs and alcohol
I feel intoxicated…
Take back everything cause from day one I knew you were the one
But we all go through untold vulnerabilities
Hold back like a frustration building up to never be released
You though… you fill my cup with overflow
Even though it took us long to get here
Holding back the words I love you like they stole something
Even though they have in the past
I love you broke me and you time and time again
I love you made me and you resent companionship
I love you even punched me and you in the face till we were numb
Feeling like a *** on the street leading to unhappiness
So how could I… no how could we even fathom this love that has developed
We seem to know each other with even not knowing
Inner glowing that shines between us when we stare into each other’s eyes
See we were together but we were both too naïve to say it
Scars so deep they hold you back from what’s right in front of you
Man I would even ask myself…
“Hey Ladi J… would you rather have a man that loves you or commits to you…??”
I want all of you not just pieces
But hey you said it was an order to things
But till the day you asked me to be yours I continued to be skeptical
But those electrical feelings every time  I’m around you that send currents through my body that lead to every blissful kiss all seemed like a hit or miss cause I never truly knew how you felt
It was like waiting for daddy to hit me with that belt
I held my pain…owned my pain…
But all the while wondered could you even handle my pain
Whispers of love still seeped through
“Cause all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you”
They say the number 7 is the number of completion
So I end my untold vulnerabilities here
I’ve said how I felt but I know US won’t end
Team awesome…
We work together to show each other the wonders of the world
Learning lessons from each other
Treading unknown territory
Tip toeing through a battlefield called love
So I think I’m ready to cash in…checkout…cause I don’t want anyone but you
I laugh more because of you
I smile more because of you
I stand firm because of you
I live and breathe more because of you
Metaphors, similes, and personifications can’t even express how I feel about you but ima try with every word I write
To form words as perfect as you seem impossible but untold vulnerabilities aren’t easy but it got us here
This is the completion but not the end of US
Untold vulnerabilities…that leads to pillow talk
Taking long walks like Jill Scott but we don’t have to puff on trees because we get high off each other
Bonding every moment spent with you
You are like the glue that holds my brokenness together
Mending every puzzle piece of hurt
Scrapping every speckle of dirt from past clutter
It all makes sense now
So this is the completion but not the end
Souls brought together for a purpose
Captured in moments of time just for me and you
This is the completion but not the end
I won’t waiver my favor for you
I won’t bend my passion for you
I won’t over compensate for overflow of past hurt
This is the completion but not the end…
This is the completion but not the end…
“My head’s under water but I’m breathing fine
You’re not crazy and I’m outta my mind
Cause all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you”
Jasmyn 'Ladi J' Sep 2013
"Throw ur ones up in the air
Throw ur ones up in the air for him
Throw ur ones up in the air
Throw ur ones up in the air for him
Throw ur ones up in the air
Throw ur ones up in the air for him
Throw ur ones up in the air
For the ones u put up will..."
Emancipate me
I usually throw my fist up but I throw up my one because "ur the one for me" it's conditional and its situational
Emergency...RED LIGHT
Call the authorities cuz it's fresh blood on the floor
Light crimson red oxygenated with the breath of love I feel from you every time your speak
It makes me weak to the point I fall to the floor of your arms open for me to come in but there was a slaying here
Like I said light crimson red and I'm O positive so I'm universal
Nope it wasn't a homicide...not a suicide but emergency shock trauma cuz I finally got what I want...what I was waiting for
Like a kid on Christmas Day my current need was satisfied
I'm a member of the I'm in love crew
But my arteries are getting slowly clogged from being scared
Finally it's out there
Some untold vulnerabilities have been out...out on the table
Joker...joker...king...queen...jack...10...9...8...7...6...­*****...diamond...heart that goes out to you as I lay all my cards on the table
The enchanted love story seems to be blossoming but there are still some untold vulnerabilities cuz I jus don't understand ...
Dedication and devotion and allegiance and justice for me
Question mark so I jus bask in the ambiance of a new found love that is clearly sent from above
Haha corny right
So I jus
"Put my one up in the air
Put my one up in the air for him
Put my one up in the air
Put my one up in the air for him"
Jasmyn 'Ladi J' Sep 2013
I'm into masochism
Yes masochism because I get enjoyment from my pain
My pain that bleeds with emense rage through my passion for you
Making me see through what I believe is real so I push through it
Remove it with what is seen as invisible walls constantly drawin me into you
Yup ladies and gents I'm into masochism
I'm willing to subject myself to this type of torture because I believe there is something on this horizon that will make me buy into what is in the crystal ball
Fortune telling
"Fortunate to have you boy I'm so glad your in my assure as the sky gets blue blessed the day..."
That I found you
You glowed as a bold man so I couldn't stand to not say anything
Marched right over with words so convincing
Martin said " I HAVE A DREAM!"
Dreams of you
But it's a constant battle tryna break through
So the untold vulnerabilities continue to be unsaid
Laying in a bed of unspoken words that I know are there cuz I see them in your eyes every time I look at you
So yes people of this blessed universe I announce I'm into masochism
I guess you can call me a *******
One that inflicts conscience pain that moves along my spine moving to my nervous system that moved throughout my body so I feel you all over
So it's not over...
Jasmyn 'Ladi J' Sep 2013
"Your heart is a place that hides how you feel
But it can be hard to express how you feel
Your mind can erase what your heart feels
I jus want love from you
All I want is for somebody to walk up behind me
I want somebody to walk up behind me
And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck "
I want you to trust me w/ ur heart
Not only love me physically mentally and spiritually
Love me from behind so hard it's imprinted in the forefront of my mind
You say you got love for me but I wanna feel it...hear it
Encompassed in a warp of me and you
Grant me the opportunity to pay off the debt I feel I owe you
See I mindlessly pay to stare at you
Even when I'm not around you I stare at the memories I have of you
No decoder to this mental vault
I know the code
Common realities of time spent w/ you
Moving towards life long memories
I want you to trust me w/ your heart
Hold it in my hands....gently caress it
No cutting it with an eyetooth
Standing in a booth pronouncing "Hey you...Im in love w/ you!"
Hopefully one day I'll be able to say it
But it gets caught in the back of my tongue as the words form cuz I don't wanna be rejected...
Reflected off a thought of the worst
Cuz I jus don't understand why you won't tell me how you feel
I mean s**t jus say it cuz these thoughts I have are beating so ******* my brain like a bass drum
Giving lyrics like...
"I want somebody to walk up behind me and kiss me in my neck and breath on my neck"
Giving lyrics as long as a ******' rap sheet
Oh and it's explicit up here so please don't let your children in
I just want to walk freely along a market and pick up your emotions
Read the nutritional content
I just want to go on a shopping spree with your being
Everything is up for grabs cuz you trust me
So jus endow my eardrums w/ what I know is there
Help me understand
Help my comprehension cuz I'm starting to get apprehensive
Sensitive about my ish...
All I want is for you to trust me w/ your heart
Don't be afraid to be loved cuz that's all I wanna do
You are my friend... my confidant
Closing the door to your past seems to be your problem when all I wanna do is close it and open up a new one
I know it's hard cuz it's hard for me too
But it's harder for me to continue like this
Hey I must be a *******....
Jasmyn 'Ladi J' Aug 2013
"Blacks are so used to surviving we don't know how to live...
Blacks are so used to surviving we don't know how to live...
Blacks are so used to surviving we don't know how to live...
I said Blacks are so used to surviving we don't know how to live..."
We can't seem be be reincarnated into a better psychological realm where we understand freedom
Where we know who we are and we aren't afraid to be it
We are kings and queens
Rulers over lands but tha man took that away and recycled it as his own
Leaving us buried alone in confusion
Making many illusions of forgetting who we used to be
See it's no mystery we are all the same
But jus given different names
Beating to the same drum but departed by color of our skin
We just can't win
It's a sin and shame that we blame our state on them
We were freed but
"Blacks are so used to surviving we don't know how to live...
I said Blacks are so used to surviving we don't know how to live..."
My soul weeps immensely for my brothas and sistahs and my future brothas and sistahs
Cuz our journey is being lost in history's pages
And it amazes me how my 9 year old niece don't know about the struggle
Holding on to this as tight as a muzzle
No pieces to the puzzle put together
We endured nights and nights of stormy weather in these seas
So like frank ocean said lets pour out some champagne and lay this psychological bind to bed
It's insane how we claim to be free but we still seem to not learn the lesson of living
Being free of blaming everyone but ourselves
Free of the memories that haunt even our subconscious mind
Come on y'all
"Blacks are so used to surviving we don't know how to live...
I said we gotta learn not to survive but live"
Jasmyn 'Ladi J' Jul 2013
I salute you...the righteous
Giving a straight face to the struggle you must have endured
Hand to forehead
Feet tight together
Eyes focused on yours
As I give you all the praise you need because you fulfill my needs
I paint on the walls of your want to be in solitude
Giving irritable moods to your feelings
I see your pain through the audition you performed through your eyes
Made me realize how much you fought go get here
See I feel your pain
Running for senator just for me cuz you are important in my eyes
You can run my state anytime
Making laws and regulations for me to be yours
Making me realize I can be loved
Touched with your fingers of passion
Giving me long lasting satisfaction
Building and building of pressure for a release of passion
I feed off you
Not as a parasite
This is a symbiotic relationship
We give to each other instead of take
All I wanna do is make you happy
Not leading you in paeanistic rituals but giving you the right cup of punch to drink
No poison
So I salute you righteous  
Giving you the straight face followed by my hand to my forehead
I want not only your body but I want your mind
I don't salute the superficial
I don't salute masks
I don't salute a false sense of self
But at the end of the day...with you I see past all that
Comfort zone
Twilight zone
Another universe when it's jus me and you
Our own rules
The po-po won't get us off this type of behavior cuz it's lawful
I continue to try to show you how I feel righteous but I don't think your ready
But as I move further through life it gets harder to hold all this in
Maybe one day you will feel the burden of my love
Matter fact I hope you feel it with every kiss
I stand here with almost perfect posture to view your perfection
Molded and shaped just for me
But righteous will you ever see how much power you posses over me
I try to restrain it
Contain it
Seal it away cuz righteous you aren't mine
So it makes me hold back
I remember all the facts
Can't slip up and call you what I want
So I call you righteous
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