I hate
depending on someone else
for my personal happiness.

I hate that
I can't fully appreciate the present
because half of me is somewhere else,
half of my heart is with you
because I gave it to you
and I can't fully be happy
when you're not here with me.

I hate
thinking about you all the time
I have my own needs to think about.

I hate
being tied down
to your love
unable to freely explore the rest of the world
to experience other love,
other amazing people.

I am a bird
I have always loved flying solo
but now I have a partner to carry
and I am sad.
Because I believe in freedom. in adventure. in
exploring the unknown.
But I don't even know if I want that anymore.
I would give it all up for you.

Am I not giving up a part of me too?
the part with wings,
with eyes eager to see more
the part of me that so longs to be free.

My heart is torn
between you and me.
Whom do I love more?

I am naked and wrapped in you
-- your flag, that is --
green, yellow, blue.
Green always reminds me of you.
I lie in bed, close my eyes
and remember your face --
your stupid grin,
your crooked teeth,
your eyes, young but
already wrinkled
from too much laughing.
your green grass pajamas.
Oh how you used to wrap me up
in those pajamas
in your green bed,
under green sheets,
and kiss me and hold me and
love me forever.

my insides are hollow.

i can forget for a bit;
the pain is more distant
when i'm with others.
people who joke with me,
make me smile and laugh,
bathe me in their love
in a warmth as constant as the sunshine.

alone,
i can hardly stand the pain.
the emptiness that can't be filled
with food or music,
emptiness that can only be satiated with
love.
love that is gone,
taken cruelly away
before i could prepare myself for this new void,
this hole, this missing *****
where my heart used to beat proud and strong.

how foolish i was to let it keep
beating with such force,
a happiness so strong it could not be stopped.
it's gone now
and i am counting the days until
this loneliness settles,
until my heart is refilled,
until i can breathe again without
this sharp pain
this constant reminder
of my missing love.

I was lying in bed with him
after we had both come.
In the pitch black, I had to
use my hands to see his face,
trace his
eyes, lips, cheeks, the shape of his head.
We were silent but for our breathing.
His rumbled ever slower
and I knew I had to act
before sleep captured him.

The words were so potent
I could feel them in my mouth,
A heavy weight pressing on my tongue.
I opened my mouth to
spit them out, but
my brain was too powerful
and kept them locked in,
snapped my jaw back into place.
I swallowed as
I felt his breathing deepen.

I held it in as long as I could.
But the force from my pounding heart
won the battle against my brain
and before the defeated could rise to try again,
My mouth burst open on its own
and I heard the words tumble out of my mouth
as clear as the sun.

"I think that maybe I love you."

my brain is a pile
of writhing pink earthworms
tangled up like confusing spaghetti,
pressing against every crevice of my skull,

forcing open cracks, burrowing through,
chewing out tissue and
crawling through my orifices
-- eyes, ears, nose, mouth --

here i am
spewing earthworms --
sorry i can't be in class,
i'm busy choking on my own brains.